Deadliest Warrior

Have you ever gotten into a locker-room fight with the person next to you, arguing that a samurai could totally rape a spartan? Of course not, you're a weak pussy who can't do anything outside fap in your parents basement and troll on /b/. But if you get a few nerds to Google some information and cosplayers to have intense battles to the death and you've got yourself Deadliest Warrior... well at least they tried.

My logo has a helmet inside a ninja star in the center of my HUGE AWESOME TEXT! IS MY SHOW COOL YET?

Origins

It all started when a fat, disgusting thing that called itself Max Geiger was peeing next to some guy in a bathroom stall somewhere. They were arguing about ninja eggs and spartan shields, and how a ninja could beat a pirate.

After wiping the pee and sperm off its hands, it had the most delightful idea ever; to make a show about outdated soldiers killing other outdated soldiers. Knowing that one man couldn't possibly argue with himself, (Unless he was some basement dweller no-life that talks to himself on AIM because he cant make friends) it gathered two other butt-buddies to craft the show we know today as Deadliest Warrior.

The show went live on April 7, 2009. And, just like every other super-duper-mother-fucking-balls-to-the-walls-awesome show, it would be aired on Spike TV.

Cosplayers participate in a plastic battle to the death.

Procedure

The show would first start out introducing 2 historians/weapons and martial arts masters (or in the case of the Green Beret v. Spetznaz episode, two Russian mobsters that they promised free vodka and two neckbeards who spent way too much time on /k/ who proceeded to have a middle finger fight the whole time) from each side. They each introduce their warriors from different time periods that have never fought each other irl and how kewl they were afterwards. This procedure is skillfully done so they'll usually pit a faggot with a sword and cotton armor against some bitch with iron plates and an AK-47. about 1/3rd of the show will be rambling on about the warrior's philosophy and history or some shit like that. (Note that they will be repeating each warrior's culture and fighting style throughout the episode) After the introduction, both of the combat masters of each side will be competing against each other in trials (Such as slicing up the corpse of a fat chick mistaken to be a cow corpse, or stabbing jello shaped like a human's torso) while the nerds calculate how deadly the weapon's force or speed was against the object.

Typically, weapons are divided into four types; Short Range, Mid Range, Long Range, and Special Weapons

Typical Deadliest Warrior Fight Scene

Internet Controversy

Ever since the show came out, those "I wonder if a cowboy could ride a viking like a horse" questions turned into "I wonder who'll win in tonight's Deadliest Warrior", both IRL and on the net. One good example of Deadliest Warrior being one of those "HEY GUISE DID YOU WATCH THAT ONE EPISODE OF x" topics is on forums and chat boards. It is created 99.9% of the time on any forum, and guaranteed to end in a flamewar. (Just like any other forum thread) Basically, there are two types of "people" who would even bother talking about the matter, whom of which are the haters and fanboys. Just like any other fanboy, they will defend their show with a burning passion while wearing their novelty t-shirts and baseball caps. Haters, on the other hand, rant about the show either for the lulz or because its historically inaccurate.

Including that, Youtube if flooded with videos, raging about how their precious (and inherently inferior) mongrel gook samurai's virginity was stolen away by the ~~vikings~~pure, noble, Aryan warriors who are the rightful inheritors of the world. SIEG HEIL!! 14/88!!

Season 1

Episode 1: Apache vs Gladiator

The Gladiator ended up getting raped by the Apache. After the Apache dropped the finishing move, he licks his knife drenched in the Gladiator's blood, because the dumb buffalo jockey forgot to use lube. 6 months later he died of AIDS.

Episode 2: Viking vs Samurai

The Samurai effortlessly sliced the Viking in half with his katana and walked off.

Episode 3: Spartan vs Ninja

Upon discovering that the Ninja wasn’t into men, the Spartan went into a rage and smashed him into dust. Later on he killed some random Jew just because.

Episode 4: Pirate vs Knight

The Pirate couldn't defeat the Knight's impenetrable armor, and so he just opened up his visor and raped him in the face.

Episode 5: Yakuza vs Mafia

It started off pretty good, until it got to the end and the Mafia guy killed him with an ice pick before smoking a Jew

Episode 6: Green Beret vs Spetsnaz

Episode 7: Shaolin Monk vs Maori Warrior

The Shaolin Monk was too high on marijuana to attack the Maori Warrior so he hired his friend the Ninja to come and take him out. Afterward the Monk and Ninja engaged in endless celestial sex.

Episode 8: William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu

The claymore decapitated three meat heads in one swing, and cleanly cut into the Zulu ishlangu shield. The Zulu responded with quick slashes of the iklwa, managing to slice up a pig and piercing a sample of unriveted chainmail. The range of the claymore and its performance proved to be the deciding factor, giving it the advantage.

Shaka Zulu

Episode 9: IRA vs Arab

The Taliban shot the IRA thousands of times but they were too drunk to feel the bullets. Eventually the Taliban just said fuck it! and killed themselves

Back for Blood Special

Before the start of season 2 they decided to take all the winners from the previous season and ~~pit them against each other~~ complain about how that one can't fight that one because he is too weak. It was made in two parts, with part 1 having the ancient warriors, and part 2 having the modern warriors. for the ancient ones they had a spartan vs a samurai. It ended with the spartan fucking up the samurai's shit, and part two had the spetznaz vs IRA. It ended with the IRA getting fucked up by those crazy russians.

Season 2

Episode 10: SWAT vs GSG9

This one was close but the one AMURIKA prevails. Towards the middle, a GSG9 entered a warehouse occupied by a SWAT member armed with a Incapacitating electro magnetic multi projectile mechanism which is basically a made in china weapon compiled of 32 tazers glued together.

Episode 11: Atilla the Hun vs Alexander the Great

Although Alexander had a giant crossbow, Atilla managed to stab him in the fucking throat.

Episode 12: Jesse James vs Al Capone

Everyone thought the Al would win (since he has better shit) but America always wins when Italy is involved.

Episode 13: Aztec Jaguar vs Zande Warrior

The spic almost won, but the nigger had a spear and stabbed through his gut.

Episode 14: Nazi Waffen-SS vs Viet Cong

The Nazis fell for the traps but luckily they had a flamethrower so they had some spicy asain food.

Episode 15: Roman Centurion vs Rajput Warrior

The Roman guy barely got any hits in while the indian was raping him

Episode 16: Somali Pirates vs Medellin Cartel

The pirates jumped the spics, but in the end...one of the niggers fucking shot the last guy with a damn bazooka. (There seems to be a pattern when it comes to niggers vs spics)

Episode 17: Persian Immortal vs Jew

Thats right. A terrorist vs a mick ... WHO DO YOU THINK FUCKING WON!!11!11? (Surprisingly, the mick lost) ALLAH BE PRIASED!)

Episode 18: KGB vs CIA

While the CIA had exploding cigars and suitcase guns, the KGB had shoeknifes and camera guns. It ended with the last KGB guy getting choked with piano wire

Episode 19: Vlad the Impaler vs Sun Tzu

Thats right. Vlad the fucking Impaler, the guy who everyone thought was fucking Dracula, vs some 50,000 year old chink that wrote The Art of War who noone's heard of. Except some dumbass who read it and conquered Europe. It ended with Vlad shoving a pike up the chinks ass.

Episode 20: Ming Warrior vs Musketeer

The chinks lose again, this time to the french, who were actually pretty badass back then.

Episode 21: Comanche vs Mongol

The mongol brought a bunch of devastating weapons, but the indian had a bigger dick so he skullfucked him.

Episode 22: Israeli commando vs Navy SEALs

Wtf kinda match up is this, a nigger was on the SEAL team, and an Israeli-born wrestler who was never actually an Israeli commando was on the commando team. It is especially ridiculous because only the top Israeli commandos are given advanced training in the art of doing false-flag shit like 9/11 so that the Jews can blame it on someone else and have Amurka go to war against sandniggers. Aside from that, we all know that a black man cant swim, since they come from a dirty and dry continent which is just desert; they are so dumb that whenever there is water nearby, they will walk 20 miles around or away from it rather than cross a fucking bridge. However, in the end America won, and the possibility that an American show would be biased in favor of Yankees to boost the pride of drunk middle-aged tubs of fat sitting on the couch is certainly not a problem, because they say that they provide a fair and balanced view of things. In the end, after the SEALs had won, the SEALs and Jews shook hands before buttsex.

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