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Ouija Board
An Ouija Board (pronounced "WEEGEE board") is a board game that allows you to "talk to" ghosts and demons. It was developed by some gullible, God-fearing individuals called the Parker Brothers in the 1800s. You ask the ghost questions while holding your hand on a moving piece called a planchette and the ghost "guides" your hand to the answer on the board. It should come as no surprise to you that this is total fucking bullshit and sadly, many people are stupid enough to believe it. Some argue that you can actually be possessed by a demon while playing this game, but anyone with half a brain in their head would easily identify this as complete nonsense. Overall the game is boring, time-consuming and has no real objective, it's just a board with the alphabet and the words yes and no painted on it. If you even want to call this thing a "game", it's definitely not worth wasting your Jew Gold on. The normal people who actually bought the game were utterly disappointed that they wasted their money.
Ouija: Origin of Ouija
Spirit Boards or Talking Boards were originally invented by members of the Quanzhen School of Taoism around 1100 AD for the purpose of communicating with spirits. Eventually the Qing Dynasty that ruled China from 1644 to 1912 decided to ban these boards after realizing that they were causing the people to become lazy since they would do nothing but sit at home all day long asking random spirits to send n00dz. By the 1800s, spirit boards had found their way to numerous areas around Youngstown, Ohio, where they were used by witches and occultists to pester departed souls.
The first person to have the brilliant idea to attempt to market these spirit boards to the ignorant masses was an Americunt huckster from Maryland named Charles Wesley Kennard who, after reading a 1886 article in the New York Daily Tribune about the kewl new craze that was sweeping Ohio, decided to team up with Ernest Christian Reiche, the local coffin maker, to begin mass-producing the boards and selling them to dumb schmucks. Kennard repeatedly attempted to patent the amazing concept of a fucking piece of wood, but was repeatedly struck down by the U.S. Patent Office due to how fucking stupid "his idea" was.
Kennard's pattern of failure continued on for several years until a local lawyer named Elijah Jefferson Bond took interest in Kennard's stiff board and decided to drag his sister-in-law Helen Augusta Peters Nosworthy, a supposed spiritual medium, down to the patent office to help them shill the product. Helen chose to show off the power of the board by asking it what its name was, to which the board replied "Ouija". When asked what "Ouija" meant, the board then replied "good luck". On February 10, 1891, Kennard was finally awarded his patent thanks to Helen's display of mental illness.
Unfortunately, Kennard was an utter fucking moron and soon allowed one of his employees named William Fuld to take over production of the boards. Fuld quickly began slapping his own name on the product and even began taking credit for Helen's interactions with the board. In the public eye, William Fuld was soon viewed as being "The Father of Ouija" despite the fact that he stole the idea from a guy who stole the idea from witches who stole the idea from the rice niggers.
Now realizing that he had missed a golden opportunity to make some serious ducats, Elijah Bond also attempted to enter the talking board market in 1907 by producing the boards under the brand name Nirvana and the business name of The Swastika Novelty Company. Unfortunately for Bond, he had already DUN GOOFED and the Ouija brand could not be overtaken.
Charles Wesley Kennard
Elijah Bond, The Almighty Sideburn God of Ouija
One of these is E.C. Reiche, we don't know nor care which one.
Helen Augusta Peters Nosworthy
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Related Articles
- Board Games
- Scam - What the game really is.
- Gullible - Most people who play this game.
External Links
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Ouija Board is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Ouija Board is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured Article April 8 & 9, 2019 | ||
| Preceded by Sean Windingland |
Ouija Board | Succeeded by Bumblebee (Movie) |
| Featured Article May 26 & 27, 2019 | ||
| Preceded by The Krassenstein Brothers |
Ouija Board | Succeeded by TBD |
