Ngcb

The Nevada Gaming Control Board, sometimes called the gestapo or one really tired group that should have been put out of its misery Eons ago, is a collection of the most bureaucratic, backward, inbred group of malcontents and entitlement seekers ever known. The "agency" as they like to refer to themselves hasn't quite figured out that there is a whole big world out there that can do things like deposit money in an ATM, and draw it back out again. They think a "system" is something you use with old fashioned ledger paper. They think math is hard, so they make it up as they go. Best of all, they think the Atari 2600 is some really risky shit to let out into casinos everywhere. They are still deliberating whether Pong is an acceptable piece of technology to be let on the floor.

The clowns running this outfit sorta forgot that, almost every other state in the U.S. has legalized gambling, so Nevada isn't really the only cool place to gamble, grab a nice piece of ass, and maybe have a cocktail after to celebrate. They have a "Technology" division that barely deserves the name. Those yo-yo's are still working with vacuum tubes and hand cranked adding machines.

There is also this division of lemmings that claim to be auditors. For the most part, that know how to sleep, look to others like they actually put in 8 hours of worthwhile work in a day, but in reality they're more likely reading the newspaper or playing solitaire. They really love writing casinos up for things like not having soft enough toilet paper when they go to wipe their asses, because it leaves them walking funny because their hinies are all chapped and stuff.

Some genius somewhere decided that these guys needed to have badges, and they actually use them! The board does have some really powerful people (or at least some who like to think they are powerful) who spend many hours in front of a mirror practicing the whole "flip open the badge correctly" move so they get it right in one shot. They really enjoy scaring the hell out of casino employees with that badge because without it, they'd be mostly ignored or ridiculed - just like they were in Junior High.

The Board has shown some progressive thinking in some areas, now that they realize the internets exist. They thought it might be kinda cool if people could actually play poker against each other over the internet (never mind this has been going on everywhere else in the world for years - its only what Nevada sees that is happening as far as they're concerned). So they got together, and came up with some ideas of what these internet poker things should do, and boy - talk about killing the Amazon 25 times over! There isn't a big rig or train big enough to move all the paper that would be printed for a single day, but that is of little concern to the Nevada regulators. Besides, its still cool! They just figure its the poker operator's problem. Sort of like Marie Antoinette saying "Let them eat cake!" Except without the entertainment like the beheading. You just sit back and watch a nice shrinking gaming business, lots of unemployment, people fleeing Nevada for brighter places to live, and eventually the gambling industry will die a slow and agonizing death. Then where will these clowns be? No one to push around, scare, flash a badge to, or pretend to be important for! Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

Divisions

The board is made up of 6 divisions, all of which operate as little tiny kingdoms with pissing matches going on between each. The divisions are run by Chiefs who seem to have penis envy for each other (and we don't mean the kind who have headdresses on - though at least those guys smoke the peace pipe once in a while). At least two of them drive big, expensive vehicles to make up for, what is rumored to be smaller genitalia. It has also been rumored that one of these Chiefs is likely most likely to have been a man at one time, but cross dresses attempting to pass herself off just like Cartman's Mom. Just don't mess with her - she can take your head off with her knee while she's walking - that bitch has some SERIOUS calf muscles! (For the record, we still want to know who the mother of her kid is), just sayin...

The Chief of what would normally be referred to as a "Technology" division has not been laid in so long that its rumored his pipes are really backed up. His idea of fun is kicking around old ladies, yelling at people who have to put up with his smug bullshit, and showing off his high rising "truck". The Audit Division Chief has threatened to take his balls away, but she couldn't find them. Likely this is what contributes to his perpetual bad mood and his propensity for assholiness. He specializes in tormenting women who won't put out or just simply laugh hysterically when he tries to get them to. All in all, he more or less sucks your very will to live just by being in his presence or even having to listen to him.

The Board's six divisions are as follows:

1. Administration
2. Audit
3. Investigations
4. Tax and License
5. Technology
6. Enforcement

Gaming Regulatory "Model"

So the board has these really old things they like to call "regulations". The only problem is that most of them were written when Jesse James was still in diapers. Getting licensed in the state to even piss on the lawn of the building where the agency resides costs enough to feed a small country for a decade. Hey, ya know they gotta support, what, something like 20,000 lazy hard working government employees somehow!

Then there are these ingenious things called MICS, which at first one might think stand for "Might Initiate Crapping Session" - especially after you read them. OH no, these babies take micromanaging to the Nth degree. They get so detailed, they tell you exactly step by step the process by which you may take an orderly shit and whereby one may wipe ones ass in proper sequence with a given number of squares off the toilet paper roll.

The MICS are sort of like mold in that they sit in dark places and grow, doubling their size roughly every five years. Come to think of it, maybe they evolved from an amoeba (or the amoeba evolved from the MICS). Either way, they really serve no useful purpose except to frustrate the general public and make GCB employees feel like they are contributing something to society - besides wasting lots of paper.

The board has barely figured out how to use the internets (see on-line poker up above). They started creating some forms that people can actually fill out fields in the actual form, if given the chance. Problem is, they want the form printed, manually signed, and then you have to mail the fucking thing in. Alternatively, you could fax the form in and THEN mail it in. Can we say 1990's here we come?

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in the law (hell, stealing a car might not be considered a crime at this point), but it usually takes these folks around 7 to 10 years to produce any updates or even publish something to let everyone know that they know that something changed. Except everyone knows that they know, but everyone doesn't know that they don't know how they will communicate how they know and when they know so everyone will know when to know. This is because people will start asking "What Now?!" Then they'd have to ACTUALLY answer a question, but that doesn't work see, cuz they answer your question with a question that go back to those things called MICS and Regs. Those things are so old that they just talk about the earth cooling or some such bullshit.

Licensing and Humiliation

Occasionally there are some parties who dare come to Nevada thinking that they can enter the gaming industry. Whoa, not so fast fella!! The board likes to charge these fees for investigating a person going all the way back to what kind of crayola crayons he or she ate in the first grade. The fees get so high that if you don't have at least 8 zeros following an integer greater than +1, you might as well go back to where you came from. They mean business with these investigatory fees! Hey, Nevada has to do something about its really bad budget problems, so why not assrape newcomers.

Now that the fun of being investigated into what color a newcomer's snot balls are has just begun, plan on having everything you've ever done wrong being not only uncovered, but broadcast for the whole world to hear! If you've been fucking the office slut, pray to god your wife is either on vacation or home watching QVC. It's all gonna be talked about and you will be mocked mercilessly, but if you survive the fire without spontaneously combusting you'll win your "privilege" to play in Nevada's reindeer games!

In some cases, when someone decides they want more than one type of license, registration or ticket to go on this ride, they literally ask you to bend over, drop your drawers, and spread your legs. The next thing they do is use a speculum and a pretty flashlight to decide whether or not you're carrying contraband chips or cheating devices up your hoochie. Trust us, they've gone treasure hunting on more than one poor bastard and I think only one ever walked normally again. Talk about chroming ones as out with a microscope - these mo'Fos' mean it! Bring lots of tissue and lots of preparation H to put your ass back together. If you REALLY want to see what your ass might look like at the end of this process, just Google "Pink Socks " and that will make you think twice about ever coming to Nevada.

If not, there's always someplace like the Isle of Mann where you can get away with pretty much anything.

Just when you think you're in, WAIT, the real fun starts!! You find out there are additional licenses, fees, charges, and a whole lot of other things you didn't plan on. Sticker shock has sent more than one poor bastard running to the nearest bankruptcy court.

Also, just when you think you've got it all figured out, they change the rules on you! No real reason, other than "we felt like it"... It's just a marvelous experience for anyone who dares to think Podunk Nevada is easy. You're better off going to another State and try your luck there. That's why Nevada is just now getting into the swing of things when it comes to not always using paper for keeping track of everything. They will let you take photocopies instead!! Just as good, and so progressive!!!!

Taxes and Collections

The Gaming Control Board has actually modernized one aspect of its operations, and that is collection of taxes. The state doesn't want to lose out on getting its "piece of the action". They make every casino estimate how much they think they're going to owe in 3 months and then pay that by electronic funds transfer. They tried making casinos pull the next successive three years worth of financials out of their collective asses, but that model didn't seem to work very well when everything went to hell in 2008.

The next tax they levy is on how many slot machines, table games, and other odds and ends a casino has lying around. All of it gets taxed on a quarterly or annual basis at a somewhat more reasonable rate, so the casinos don't feel completely like assramming uncle-fuckers.

Then there is the all consuming and well loved live entertainment tax. Anything that breathes and is somewhat entertaining, you have to pay a tax on. If its in a casino, then the casino has to charge an extra 10% on it (sounds like tithing for most churches). Then they have to turn that over to the State every single month. Now if you think its that easy, think again. If you think entertaining yourself could be just a show, dinner, a ride, and a room, then they come up with this impossibly complex calculation that someone somewhere smoking some really bad acid came up with. Then they try to write anybody up who doesn't calculate their bizarre and complex formula correctly (not that they can calculate it correctly either. In fact, the Board got its ass handed to it back in 2014 for interpreting the law in a really bizarre way. The Supreme Court of Nevada said they were smoking crack:

See: http://lasvegassun.com/news/2014/feb/24/caesars-palace-prevails-court-battle-over-live-ent/

External Links

To see the pathetic, outdated and ridiculous money taxpayers spent on the useless NGCB website, see:

http://www.gaming.nv.gov

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