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BakaRed
Billions and Billions of years ago or just over over 9000 years for the religious fundamentalists, the universe was a cold, empty, lonely space where nothing really happened. One memorable day, two hydrogen atoms slowly rubbed up against each other and a thought was born. Having a sudden urge for a pizza and some beer the thought realized, for the order to go through, it would need a name for a credit card and so it named itself BakaRed.
The Church of BakaRed
BakaRed is a benevolent god who has been known to reward loyal, new converts with a lap-dance from an over weight 50 something stripper and unlimited amounts of booze made from his secret prison pruno recipe that is well known for causing blindness after 3 drinks.
The religion dictates that the lap dance comes first and then all the bad booze till your blind. Other rewards include diseased whores, a kick to the balls, the deflowering of your sister and games of Russian Roulette, with a cocked and loaded automatic pistol, with you going first.
For those of you who have no chance of ever getting laid might we suggest the diseased whores followed by a rousing game of Russian Roulette, because, well, it was only a matter of time.
The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Mike the Great
Looking out upon the world, BakaRed saw that it was too orderly, too tranquil, too perfect and knowing that the newly created humans would excel best in a world that challenges him, plots against him, is always out to get him and represents constant danger - he created Mike The Great to bring a little chaos to this brand new world. Having missed out on The Garden Of Eden because the snake got there first. The Big Flood because he was waxing his surfboard and World War 2 because he started reading Atlas Shrugged and didn't finish it until the 70's because no one reads that book for enjoyment. The only people who have ever read it did so because it was course material for a class. Also, He had no hand in Rap or Disco. Things like that can only come from something so evil it would even make the devil squirm. If you're looking for someone to blame, start by going down the line of Jewish CEO's of record companies. I digress, it wasn't until Mike The Great met a young senator by the name of Al Gore, who would later invent the internet would Mike The Great's destiny become clear to him when he convinced the then Senator Gore to send a dick pic to his secretary over the fledgling internet followed by first use of the excuse, "What? OMG I thought I was sending it to my wife".
Since the whole hearted acceptance of the internet, Mike thr Great's greatest accomplishment has been passing around the slow descent into crazy that comes with the personal message boards. Press lolcow to view some of his finer work.
A Second Creation
One day, while in the middle of a beer run and stopped by a red light, Bakared had a genius idea to troll 99% of what populates the internet - the virgin male. As a member of the Church of Bakared, I need to clarify that that other 1% is men who have gotten laid and not girls because there are no girls on the internet. Wanting to create something that would make the internet babies break down in tears and cut themselves in anger knowing that it just existed, BakaRed created EroticJoe. Some have claimed that EroticJoe is a myth, created from a fevered adolescent mind as a wish they could be or something along the lines of Big Foot, because, in the words of a virgin with rage, "No one on the internet has ever gotten laid, and here we're supposed to believe that this guy can do it it once or twice a week? BTW, those pics are totally faked." There is only one truth you need worry yourself with, If Mike the Great and EroticJoe show up on your website together, prepare yourself because the End Times are at hand.
The Great Unknown PondCat
The PondCat is a mystery. No one has ever seen him. No one even knows what he is but that doesn't stop people from telling rumors or speculating. Some have said he is the ultimate Ninja or some perfect assassin. Molded from the day of his conception, by his mother who beat on her pregnant belly with hammers and brass knuckles. The legend goes that she even shot 5 grams of pure smack up her snatch, everyday during his final trimester to ensure he would be born strong so that he could save the world from the gaying of and castration of male children happening everyday in our public schools and because of the broadcasting of shit Tv shows like My Little Pony and Pre-Teen Titans Go. Others speak of something darker. Like some voodoo god, he haunts the cemetary for a purpose. First, they say, to fullfil his need for food and to sate his sexual desires and second to complete his cursed collection. When he has found the prophesized pieces that he was tasked to, he will sew them together in a Frankenstein fashion to form a golem who will devour all before him, including PondCat. Finnaly, the rest just say he's an angry old man with a bad drinking habit and PTSD from 2 tours in Vietnam that hides in his bushes with a BB gun and shoots kids in the ass when they walk on his lawn. All that we are certain of is that none will ever know what he is.
See Also
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BakaRed is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| BakaRed is part of a series on Obscure Religions  |
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