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Foreskin
Covering the glans, the foreskin be an addendum to the white male penis and God's way of sorting out the Semites from the gentiles.
Foreskins are known to be ugly as hell on all men (see picture at right). Most women are rather disappointed if their man gets naked for them the first time and they discover that he's sporting a horrific dog-dick. It's like when you look see a woman's pussy for the first time in your life and realize real pussy is absolutely revolting. So we men must have our genitals mutilated to appeal to women while women can get away with having flappy, smegma infested, UTI brewing, beef curtains.
Take a look in your trousers; you either have a foreskin or you're a Jew. It's as simple as that.
Its also interesting to note that your little ant eater down there has been known to house:
- Dick Cheney
- Dick Cheese
- Bill Cosby
- The TRUE terrorists of 9/11
- Your Mom (She's attracted to the smells)
Foreskin Tricks and Lulz
The following tricks are most win if performed during oral sex directly in the person's face, or at an urinal, at which point you turn, and release. This can bring major lulz. (If you think inflating your dick sounds retarded, you just need to huff some more helium, and that feeling will pass.)
The Frog
The most well known of all foreskin tricks, The Frog is achieved by clamping the foreskin closed over the glans with the index finger and thumb and then proceeding to urinate. Upon urination the penis will swell up in a manner not unlike the throat of certain frog species during a mating ritual. The results of The Frog can be widely variant, but the performance typically elicits a simultaneous response of homoerotic-love and homoerotic-awe from the hipsterdouche onlookers.
The Egg Drop
Like The Frog, Egg Drop (or ED) ’tweaks’ start in the same manner, i.e. with the foreskin being ‘digitally clamped’ to reservoir the lulz juice of choice to fashion a delivery system for unloading the lulz 'punchline' (or "Money Shot").
However, unlike The Frog, The ED requires Hubble-like focus and lightning quick reflexes for as the fap reaches critical mass the often unpredictable Sexytime Explosion needs to be ‘nipped in the bud’ as it were, with the speedy application of the aforementioned ‘digital clamp’ before your critical mass becomes a critical mess.
At this point, with Phase 1. COLLECTION accomplished, The Frog and The Egg Drop(s) part ways (and means); the ideal The Egg Drop needing the kind of precision guidance that makes The Frog look like an unpredictable Hezbollah Katyusha rocket.
For Phase 3. (after the obligatory Stage 2 of: ?) of The EDs are all about the transportation and delivery of the prenatal lulz juice to their respective targets, The Egg Drop in particular requiring a steady hand, Olympic timing, pinpoint accuracy and the patience of a sniper.
The ideal Egg Drop is performed from an open second story window onto an unsuspecting friend, ex-girlfriend, cop or baby in a crib. It may take a while, so bring something to read - but absolutely no pr0n. Bonus points and EPIC WIN are achieved if you hit anyone (primary target or no) in the lunch.
But be creative; lesser EDs can be performed in and around the house (including the Egg Drop Soup) government buildings, libraries, theaters, public transport etc. etc. For example, there’s no better way of saying “Kthxbye” to the stranger you came home from the pub with last night than an Egg Drop facial wake-up call.
This kind of Egg Drop is basically the Egg Drop Soup variant, without the ‘soup’; it’s moar personal and garners immediate reaction whereas with the original Egg Drop the fallout often has to be imagined, as a speedy withdrawal from your ‘snipers’ nest’ may be the best course of action...especially if your target has been a police officer eating a sandwich.
As for the Egg Drop Soup, well, it’s easy and a good place to start if you’re to become an A+++ IRL Egg Drop troll. Essentially the same as the Egg Drop, it’s primary target is the toilet bowl, ideally one that’s recently been urinated in and left unflushed. The freshly ‘dropped’ load of lulz juice floating in the yellowed waters gives it the appearance of a big bowl of the eponymous Chinese soup and hence the name.
This technique is especially good for the youngsters (to piss off mom), college students (to piss off roomies), and over-it-all pussy whipped boyfriends who’ve had enough of all the fucking potpourri and shit the bitch put all over the house when she moved in.
Foreskin Balloon
This requires one other person, unless you're superman and can reach your own flaccid penis with your mouth (PROTIP: the extra bit of skin makes this task slightly moar possible). Basically you get your partner of choice to blow up your foreskin like a balloon while your penis is flaccid, a hilarious party trick, especially when you pinch it closed while inflated and draw faces on your head.
If you're super special and creative, you can even try inflating your foreskin with helium and tying shut the end, just to see if your penis will float forever vertically.
Also you can pinch the end shut, not tightly, and squeeze the "balloon" to make a farting sound. For men who want to queef.
Hands-Free Masturbation
As the Victorians understood, the presence of the foreskin allows for extra friction in fapping. By sticking your dick between your legs and rubbing them together, you severely lower the risk of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome as well as avoid the painful tugging motion which flayed penises must endure. You also avoid the mess shooting out all over your hands and everywhere else by containing it within the inside of your legs. The skin itself can serve as a reservoir which you can clamp shut until you reach the toilet or nearest tissue (PROTIP: you can also use a tissue during the process by placing it on the head and then pulling the skin back over). Of course you ought to clean yourself of afterspill afterwards lest you carry the lingering smell beneath the skin.
See Also
External Links
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Foreskin is part of a series on Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage. |