Spending too long on the internet

Look at all the internet stored away in those fatty folds.

This poor creature was rescued far too late, it seems.

Spending to much time on the internet makes you amazing and cool.

Spending too much time on the internet will make you find this fappable.

The internet is a horrible force. It can even blur the lines between real and furry porn. You're masturbating, right now, aren't you?

The internet is the retina of the mind's eye. Therefore, the internet is part of the physical structure of the brain. Therefore, whatever appears on the internet emerges as raw experience for those who watch it. Therefore, internet is reality, and reality is less than internet.

Spotting afflicted individuals

It's relatively easy to single out those who spend too much time on the internet. here are some simple pointers that can help any normal, sane person identify and study this interesting phenomenon.

• 1. Subject has bone white skin, and cannot tolerate sunlight, much like an albino.
• 2. Subject is beyond obese, having transmuted into a creature of pure, weapons grade lard. Or subject is beyond skinny, having turned into an emaciated twig comparable to a starving Ethiopian.
• 3. Subject has little to no tact when dealing with attraction to the opposite or (far more likely, as the internet is a huge sausage fest) the same sex.
• 4. Subject's e-penis is bigger than it's real penis. (Although this is a given, it needed to be said.)
• 5. Subject has fapped to something, or everything on fchan.
• 6. Subject is Korean.
• 7. Subject engages in the sexual activities related to their disgusting fetish in public, as though they have no shame, or that somehow normal society approves of someone fucking a dog in the ass on the street corner, while wearing a badly constructed fox suit.
• 8. Subject refuses to consume anything but Pocky and Red Bull.
• 9. You have porn of it. (it is Steam Locomotives)
• 10. Subject has the distinct scent of bedsores about it.
• 11. Subject knows how to initialize it's dialup modem using the Hayes command set (reserved for those in the final, usually fatal stages of internet use)
• 12. Subject knows what the Hayes command set even is.
• 14. Subject has taken a picture of your cat and captioned it.
• 15. Subject has raped your cat and captioned it.
• 16. Subject thinks it really is a giant flying anthropomorphic taco.
• 17. Subject is internet poor
• 18. Subject takes pride in it's "alternative lifestyle", and lashes out at anyone who calls them on their appliance fetish.
• 19. Subject starts developing internet troll personality disorder and gradually loses the ability to distinguish between trolling and acceptable behavior.
• 20. You made this list.
• 21. You read this list.

As one would naturally assume, you are spending too much time on the internet. Become an hero and thin the herd a smidge, would you? HA just kidding we both know if you've made it this far into the article that you have spent too much time on the internets.

See also:

• Serious business
• Internet disease
• Basement-dweller
• Culture on the internets