Finnish chans

If you have ever heard of, or even seen Spurdo Spärde, you are probably sitting alone in a dark room, holding tightly to a bottle of cheap whiskey with your hand, covered in cold sweat, perplexed by what you saw and pondering on who on Earth would ever waste so many minutes of their life forcing something so incredibly shitty, you've come to the right page. The answer is, a sad, sad race known as the "Finns" inhabiting a site called "Ylilauta".

It is beyond any doubt this is the greatest, most famous achievement of the Finnish race.

History

Finnchan

In biblical times, in the god-forsaken frozen wasteland known as Finland, an unnamed basement dweller fired up his steam powered modem made in a Soviet gulag by Moldavian dissents, and connected to the wonderland that is the Internet. By accident, he ended up in 4chan. He then installed Kusaba, opened Finnchan and saw it was good. Only about three people ever used it, and it is known in Finnish chan mythos as something of a heaven on earth, complete free of the curses of the modern age like GETting and Newfags, where every post was incredible OC and where OP, in fact, wasn't a fag.

In 2007 the oldest say there was a great tragedy involving 78000 password hashes from Finnish sites published on Finnchan. Unsurprisingly that led into the site being temporarily closed for police investigations, which in turn led to Kuvalauta being opened. Time went on, and Finnchan was reopened, but for some reason people did not return there. Kuvalauta started to live a life of it's own, and some time after that Finnchan closed.

Kuvalauta

That era, nowadays called the Second Age, was a joyful time too. Oldest of the old still recalled the bright days of Finnchan then, but soon most were convinced that there is yet hope in the new board. Soon everyone was happy and many great works were created.

But alas! The anonymous delved too lavishly, and awakened the horror that crept deep in the tubes of the Internet: the newfags of Jonneweb were made aware of their presence, and they would not rest until the last of the old were destroyed or marred. It seemed innocent at first: new lurkers coming in from other parts of the world, but soon they began to bring their friends and culture to our home. Many new horrible creations were made, such as the term 'jonne', which stood for a caricatyric underage newcomer, and the horrible abomination of pedobear, 'Spurdo spärde'. Already then the old were concerned of this new threat, and before long it got out of hand. Thus began the Dark Days of the Second Age, during which much that was good was destroyed and many things evil took its place.

Kuvalauta's death.

These Dark Days lasted for a relatively long time, and during them not much good was born. The jonne carried on their warfare against those of old, and jonne in disguise could be easily identified by unjustified rage towards anime and everything related to Japan, extremely bad and cancerous trolls and from general 'newfaggish' behavior. Peculiarly little resistance was to be seen from those of old, bar the passive hatred against these newcomers, and all seemed lost. Faint glimpses of light in the darkness of course emerged, such as the opening of Northpole, but they were unfortunately not enough to bring back the great and noble times.

Then, all of a sudden, when the horrible newcomers were devising more and more of their abominable creations and waging wars against each other and the small remnants of the old resistance, something completely unguessed of happened. The Creator, Gabo, got tired of their bullshit and closed their delvings for good. Thus ended the Second Age, a time of great delight and also darkness, and began the Third Age. This, in common reckoning, happened in September 2010.

Ylilauta

Typical Ylilauta user.

In great fear the jonne were scattered, without home, seeking refuge in numerous temporary fortresses formed: disketti.info and lauta.net to name a few. However, Ashlam, the owner of lauta.net struggled with technical and financial problems. In addition to that, lauta.net was very vulnerable to DDOSing, which was used with great success in the Great Chan Wars.

Enter Ylilauta. Ylilauta was used in 2010 as a test board, but was reborn in 2011 when lauta.net and another small Kuvalauta heir aspirant unificated as Ylilauta. Ylilauta is currently by far the biggest and most popular of chan, and even though, or maybe because of it that Ylilauta is just about as cancerous and newfagfilled as Kuvalauta was, Anonymous finally feels at home there.

The Great Chan Wars

Chan wars have colored the Finnish chan scene since the very beginning, and typically involve spamming, but DDOSing became more common on the latter part of 2010.

Prehistory (2007-2008)

When Finnchan went down in the October of 2007, many small chans were born, Kuvalauta, Chan.servut.us, Kuvaforum, 2zchan ja Oniichan, to mention a few, of which Kuvalauta ja Chan.servut.us got at least a couple of users. However, Finnchan.tmp appeared soon, killing aforementioned boards. Kuvalauta became the king of the alternative boards in December, causing butthurt in Finnchan, and when Finnchan.tmp went down, the Era of Kuvalauta officially begun.

First Chan War (2010)

After Northpole, a chan with extremely strict moderation opened, Kuvalauta users accused the moderators of autism, and the board was spammed to oblivion a couple of times. Nevertheless, Northpole remained as a marginal, unpopular Asperger little brother of Kuvalauta, and low-level war lasted until Kuvalauta's death.

Second Chan War (2010-2011)

The newfags of Kotilauta and Lauta.net fought for the title of the inheritor of Kuvalauta, and this conflict laster for relatively long. Propaganda spreading, DDOSsing and spam raiding appeared on both sides. As in all European fascist countries, Lauta.net's admin Ashlam had to go to serve the Armed Forces, which meant Lauta.net was immediately buttraped and stayed down. However, rather than giving up and pulling a Kuvalauta, he chose to unify with Kotilauta, and by their powers combined they became Ylilauta.

Chan War 2.5

The young Ylilauta was DDOSsed while still in its cradle. It is a mystery who was behind this attack. Some argue the Turks and/or the Germans wanted revenge, as the Finns had raped Krautchan and FIN-TV earlier the same month.

Third Chan War

Southpole raided Nyymichan, emptying most of its boards and stealing its biggest GET yet. Extreme asspain followed, as threads from during the Reign of Kuvalauta disappeared. Later the same week Southpole DDOS'd Nyymichan and Northpole's IRC. In a counterattack, Southpole's admin password was hacked, resulting in a complete obliteration of the chan. The next days involved both sides hacking and destroying each other's IRCs. Nyymichan's host contacted the police, resulting all content being hosted being wiped out. Butthurt Nyymichan user reported abuse to Southpole's admin, and also this chan disappeared to the Intertubes.

Some argue that Zeekill was somehow involved.

Ylilauta

Politics board. Every day.

Satunnainen

B. You know the deal. All Finnish memes circulate around ironic shitposting, so depending on how you look at it, it's either hideously cancerous or incredibly funny. Exported Finnish memes are all born here.

Estonia

Estonians and Finns are both descendants of Mongols that got stuck in snow and just never left, so it is only natural Ylilauta hosts a board for them. Main activities include wistfully remembering how good things were under Hitler without those slavniggers.

Seksuaalisuus

>You will never win the lottery and move to the United Arab Emirates where you will start a harem by marrying over 9000 little girls with which you will go to say hi to your rich Finnish neighbours, pretending your wife is your step daughter and while there you will excuse yourself and go to "help" her in the bathroom while in reality you're going to have a quiet quickie against the bathroom wall
Feels bad man.

Politiikka

Where the Civil War is re-lived every day.

Huumeet

Mainly discussion if you can use Ecstasy and anti-depressants together, as every Finn is on selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Also, what shrooms in your backyard you can and cannot eat.

Avaruuskulttuuri

The Universal Culture is already here. In the beginning of the new era when the age of machines begun, the Universal Culture saw daylight on earth. Ignorant of their own actions, humans built culture like ants and so all the preparations have already been made. Our generation needs only to break loose from our inner worlds, relax and focus on the outer reality. And when this happens, mankind will notice that the paradise is already here. On the atomic level we are truly immortal and ageless beings. Age is a relative phenomenon, and in The Universal Culture, I'm Zawahal, a space marine only at the age of 27. The Universal Culture is already here.

International

Where Americans and Brazilians try to figure out what the fuck Spudro is.

In Finnish Media

Guess who Fobba visited next?

Contribution to Finnish chans being filled with newfags that cannot be underestimated is Ylilauta's, just like its predecessor's tendency to be constantly featured in the media (at the time of writing, at least 75 times). Which include, but are not limited to: Getting pictures of Anders Behring Breivik and a local serial killer (and Fobba, of course) plastered near the Hartwall Arena, hacking and spreading the content of the site of a local sect of Freemasons, pointing at kids with a sniper rifle, blowing up a traffic camera, countless bomb threats, filling the sites of Socialist party with niggerdicks and Finnish Tor chan openly selling guns and drugs and spreading CP. Inadvertently due to being widely reported, the traffic of the site quadrupled.

People

Benjamin

What caused many newfriends to shit their pants.

Sopsy

Ylilauta's current admin. His trolls include actually making Gold accounts real, claiming your ISP will send you an additional bill for using Ylilauta, to which many newfags fell and faking to be a jew. Although no one believed this as Finland is kike-free and he was lated dox'd as Jukkis Hyvärinen, due to always coming up with new ways jew Ylilauta's newfags, the legacy yet lives on. Claimed to be related to Mark Zuckerberg.

Fobba

Marko Fobba Forss is the lead member of the elite Finnish internet police squad. All internet tip-offs go to his desk. While Fobba refers to this man specifically, Fobba is also a term for online police in general, originating from the word "police" being wordfiltered to "fobba" on Ylilauta /b/ in ages past.

In a notable past move, Anonymous mass-voted him policeman of the year 2011.

Sopsy

Sopsy is the creator and ex-admin of Ylilauta. He also created Northpole. He sold Ylilauta for 50 000 € to Benjamin in April Fool's Day of 2012.

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