Newgrounds/theflashportal

The Flash Portal The ever-declining quality of Flash Portal submissions and the voters who view them The Newgrounds Flash Portal is the access point to the site's archives of Flash movies and games. There are few places on the internets which blatantly condone such levels of stupidity as are encouraged here, at what is essentially Jewgrounds's "claim to fame," the point of origination of such timeless classics as AGNRYMAN ANTICS (in which a clearly irate fellow prances around an animated city, eventually stealing a dildo from a store and sodomizing himself), Freezepop's JEM (in which a 13 year old Jewgrounds user gyrates seductively to a song by a group of homosexuals, and the unforgettable Pico's School (a late-nineties tribute to Columbine, of rather dubious intentions). Pico's School was one of the first cartoons showcased on the website, as it was created by Tom Fulp himself, when young Tom was a Disturbed Loner in the days before Jewgrounds' popularity level was over 9000. In his angst-filled formative years, Tom espoused communist ideas -- much to the chagrin of his Nazi worshipping elder brother -- and believed in the ability of all people to have an equal amount of space in which to be as stupid as is possible. Thus, Tom was inspired to create (along with the existing Flash Portal) a Voting System and a Review System, in the ultimate trifecta of idiocy. These days, though, the Flash Portal is a wholly different beast. It is governed largely by Flash groups, such as the intellectually active Lock Legion and Clock Crew, who are likely to submit anywhere from at least 100 to over 9000 Flash animations on a daily basis, each one lowering the bar just a little bit more on the creativity scale. Each of these crews, of course, has a dedicated fanbase and even legitimate websites to coordinate their efforts through, often teaming up to produce steaming piles of excrement, unidentifiable as anything resembling entertainment. Because of the large followings of these Flash groups, it was quickly ascertained by the leaders of the groups that it would behoove them and their inevitable descendants to establish their groups' reputations as circle jerks of unfunniness. Thus, they decreed that all members of their groups were, as a condition of membership, required to VOET FIEV and RAET TEN on all Flash movies and games submitted by members of their respective groups, no matter how bad the quality. This was exacerbated by Tom Fulp's official recognition of an annual "Clock Day,"[1][2] [3][4] whereby hundreds of Flash "artists" submit hundreds of Flash "artworks" of terrible quality - all of them involving characters central to the "Clock Crew" cause, and all of them being easily saved from "blamming" by orgasming Clock Crew members, eager to proliferate their own shittiness, which has existed and been expanded significantly since the group's founding in 2001.
Voting System	Review System	Teddy Spam War	Other Trolls	"Blammed"	Achieve #1 All-Time
[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]	[+]

Voting System

Don't be fooled! 0 and 5 are the only buttons that work!

The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit, is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3 and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.

HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew submission, but none are more effective that these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.

Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.

The Review System

Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a waste of voting power and most likely get your review deleted.

You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.

• Actual User-Generated Reviews

	“	YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING ASSHOLE! Fuck, that was some of the sickest piece of mthrfcking shit I ever saw! You got NO sense of humor you bitch! This ain't like a litlle destructibe, It's fucking revolsing! Overall score: 0	„

	“	That show was reaaaaaalllllyyy FUNNY! Way didnt sye pik cell it is a good fighter! Overall score: 10	„

	“	Fix yout flash Need do fix your portal Overall score: 2	„

	“	OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK That was ok but WAT WAS IT ALL ABOUT THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD I MEAN HOLY S#$T NO ONE CAN GET OUT TROBLE JUST BECAUSE..AWW FORGET IT Overall score: 5	„

But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that are a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backwards.

And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".

• The Infamous B Review

	“	Absolutely brilliant. When looked upon by inexperienced critiques, one might wonder why such a work of art deserves a high score. But, if one looks in depth and with a high degree of intellectual insight, we can see exactly what makes this work brilliant. My interpretation of the piece, as follows, regarding the very structure and sustenance in which art like this thrives; will be -- I believe, revealing to those that fail to understand the beauty of the B. The first thing that strikes me as I look upon the B is that one notices it is not quite to the centre of the canvas -- in fact, the B is maligned and off-kilter, slightly to the upper left of the centre of the piece. I believe that this was done on purpose to convey the underlying theme of the piece, that of chaos and unorthodoxy, that of irreverence and rebellion. The artist is trying to convey the message that our world is not perfect, that each one of the many peoples of this earth must work together for a humane, constructive effort to ensure the betterment of our civilization, and our future. This theme is predominately reflected by the simple choice of colour for the B, that of a pure, mathematically perfect red. When viewing the piece, the average audience member might simply interpret red as fury, anguish, and aggression. But, due to the exact and calculated nature of the red used in this work, I offer that it portrays itself moreover as knowing and confident, acting out of will and intellect, not arrogance and bravado. This is where the genius of the artist comes out, that such as rebellious and vulgar colour can be seen as precise, and civilized. As for the white background, one might interpret it as more of a clear, sterile, and forced utopia. I recall images of Huxley's and Zamyatin's nightmares as they reflect upon the background. It portrays the B, almost as a lone child wandering off into the wilderness, being pushed to perform inhumane tasks by his cruel masters. The emptiness and lack of conscience is contrasted by the will and soul of the B. A nightmare indeed, but one that haunts us all. When we notice that the choice of the letter, B, out of all twenty-six in the English alphabet was chosen, we must wonder why. Before I get into that, let me offer some rationale and evidence from further examination of the B itself. When looking at the typeface, we immediately realise that it is of a serif font, most likely Times New Roman or Bookman Antiqua. We also notice that the B is a capital B, not a lowercase one. Thus, I suggest that this implies a struggle for power and control, over the most likely antagonist: A. Because of its Roman nature and status, we assume that the B is of a high-rank lieutenant in some corporate atmosphere, but has the desire and will to become the very best, to overthrow the A and in turn, become first. B does not settle for second place. B does not accept anything other than perfection. B is disgusted by the corruption and inability to function by A, and B plots to end the reign of the A. This is the horrible truth, the truth that all of us hold true. For yet, life is only a struggle for more and more power, control, and wealth. This is but my interpretation. Yet, I would argue that many more would hold this opinion as well. Although close to perfection, I do not believe that this work deserves a perfect ten for a few reasons. Despite its succinct and flawless simplicity, it lacks of literary elements that give more power and gusto to the artist's voice. Though violins and cellos alike can perfect a string quartet, the clarinet is left in the dark, as its own timbre holds back its performance. Though this work is like the clarinet, struggling to match the power of the strings, it does come very, very close. Though, through wavering willpower and diminishing strength, it does not achieve the goal it set out to reach. But in effect, I bow to the beauty and elegance that enriches the entire performance, for it is this work of art that truly dominates the entire concert. Overall score: 10	„
	—An actual review of the letter B.

STRAWBERRYCLOCK'S B The avante-garde, single-frame, "masterpiece":

The Teddy Review Spam War

Recently, a group of retards and fags emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:

	“	Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?	„

It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-black person he is, has not deleted any of these reviews(save for mine) and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple billion times to piss off the meatspin lovers on Jewgrounds.

Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss the off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.

• The Full Teddy Review Text

Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?

• Case 1:

Patty Buckles Got this e-mail. She doesn't believe in chain letters. Well, Foolish Patty. She was sleeping when her TV started flickering on and off. Now she's not with us anymore. Ha ha patty, Ha ha! You don't want to be like Patty, do you?

• Case 2:

George M. Simon Hates chain mail, but he didn't want to die that night. He sent it to 4 people. Not good enough George. Now, George is in a coma, we don't know if he'll ever wake up. Ha ha George, Ha ha! Now, do you want to be like George?

• Case 3:

Valarie Tyler She got this letter. Another chain letter she thought. Only had 7 people to send to. Well, That night when she was having a shower she saw bloody Mary in the mirror. It was the BIGGEST fright of her life. Valarie is scarred for life.

• Case 4:

Derek Minse This is the final case I'll tell you about. Well, Derek was a smart person. He sent it to 12 people. Later that day, he found a $100.00 bill on the ground. He was premoted to head officer at his job and his girlfriend said yes to his purposal. Now, Katie and him are living happily ever after.The have 2 beautiful children.

Send this to at least 12 people or you'll face the consequences.

0 people- You will die tonight

1-6 people- you will be injured

7-11 people- you will get the biggest fright of your life

12 and over- you are safe and will have good fortune!

Do What Teddy Says!!!! Hurry, you must send to 12 people before midnight

tonight

In fact, now that its full text is available here on ED, you have no excuses not to waste several fruitless hours of your life relentlessly posting the review into every single Jewgrounds submission, evar. Get to work, faggot.

File:Coop83 lolpwnt.JPG

Typical Moderator preventing someone from getting rid of furfags.

Other Trolls

In addition to Teddy, "Sarah" spam reviews have also begun to clog up the Jewgrounds Servers, as well as many other long, and unintelligible chain letters from people who actually believe the stupid shit that's been written in the letters.

• The Full Sarah Review Text

SCARY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!! One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important. Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, "I am breaking up with you, you awful ........!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your .............. life! DUMB ............ ........!!!" He laughed and drove off. It was a very cold day. Sarah climbed out of the lake, freezing cold, and feeling the worst she had in her entire life. She got home went in a hot bath, and slit her wrists and died in the bathtub. Her parents yelled and screamed at her to get out until they finally broke the door down. They saw no body, but the entire bathroom was dripping with her blood. Her mom went insane and killed herself three days later, her dad is in prison, accused of murder. Later that week, Sarah's exboyfriend was taking a shower when she came from the drain, rotting and bloody, with a razor in her hand and said "Goodbye Jason." She cut his throat before he could scream. If you do not repost this, you are a heartless ..............and Sarah come to you in the shower from the drain, and will kill you the same way she killed her boyfriend. 24 ppl have failed to send and died Repost this to over 15 games You have 13 minutes close.

The following links will take you directly to an endless series of spam messages, which can with little to no effort be copypasta'd many times, thereby perpetuating the shittiness.

1. Jewgrounds Rumble reviews: The real rumble is in the spam, lol.

2. Dad's Home reviews: Ironically the dad is a pedophile also.

3. 8-Bit D-n-D: Pissing off those fag RPG fans will really be worth it

Of course, the ease with which Jewgrounds users, as evidenced in the Spam reviews abov, and the Forum example below, are able to be trolled should have been an indicator that the Teddy reviews would become a ubiquitous and successful trolling attempt — Jewgrounders are so head-slappingly gullible that even the most blatant of trolls will fool a good percentage of users.

• The Epic Fatty Troll and its Aftermath

This trolling attempt was exposed in the first few pages, but it continued for another seven before anybody realized it wasn't truth

A wise old man once said while lying on his deathbed, in the process of filling up his Depends to the point of leakage, "Stupid begets stupid." If ever there were a statement more perfectly descriptive of the Jewgrounds Flash Portal environment, it should be considered a personal challenge to discover it, copyright it and then sell it to Jewgrounds's webmaster to use as the site's slogan, for massive profit.

The current slogan of the site, while generic and and reeking of corporate decision-making, is hardly a universal or even a half-truth about the site, because "Everything" would seem to imply that alongside the endless stick figure brawls, video game parodies and Alliterative Flash group efforts, there might actually be something of quality.

In reality, there is not, and in all likelihood, there never will be.

Current, post-"redesign" slogan: EVERYTHING, BY EVERYONE

Old, pre-"redesign" slogan: THE PROBLEMS OF THE FUTURE, TODAY!

"Blammed"

Although the majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances which indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.

• Typical "Blammed" Submission & Author Comments

THE SWORD IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR BECAUSE IT'S SCILENT.

These turds among turds can easily be identified by author's comments consisting of begging for high scores, the grammar of a 6th grader with a D average, the phrase, "this is my first attempt at flash," beginning every sentence like a dumb cunt with words such as "so," "liek," "um," "err," and "yeah," and overall cum-gurgling faggotry.

How to get to "#1 All Time" on the portal

The Coveted Spot.

The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position though Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:

1. First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity.
2. Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap.
3. One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality.
4. Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13 year old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal.
5. One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?)
6. It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups.
7. Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta?
8. In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or any thing related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status.
9. Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality.
10. To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive which cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters.
11. One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms.
12. Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha.
13. If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders.
14. Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work.
15. ????
16. Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)

Examples:

• One
• Two
• Three
• Four