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Bob's Game
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5 YEARS FOR A FETCH QUEST AND MINIGAME DEMO |
What does months of game development by a single person look like? Mark Griffin would tell you it looks like Bulletball, Pixel would tell you it looks like Cave Story, Mojang would tell you it looks like Minecraft, and 100s of other homebrew developers would have their own definitions to share with you. What does 15,000+ hours over the course of 5 years look like? Robert Pelloni is trying to tell you that it's the world's biggest game done by a single person. Too bad all he has to show for it is a fetch quest and a horrific body odor. This is a perfect example what happens when you don't have any friends to tell you to quit while you're ahead, or if you're too stupid to listen.
Bob's Game
Bob's Game is... well... nobody knows but Bob himself. You see, Bob's Game is actually a game within Bob's game, and he's not revealing it until the game launches. What exactly has Bob been working on these last 5 years? A pretty generic RPG Maker lookalike with a terrible sense of humor ripe with 4th wall breakage and meticulously crafted personalities for literally hundreds of NPCs. The game itself is pretty uninteresting on it's own, which makes you wonder how the fuck one person could spent literally over 9000 hours working on a game. OH WAIT, I KNOW! THE GUY IS A FUCKING FAGGOT:
—Robert Pelloni, Gamer, Coder, Virgin. |
You know who else made a game on their own by spending a ridiculous amount of personal resources and thought it was awesome? 
This guy.
The Math
Robert claims that he's spent over 15,000 hours on the game over the course of 5 years, first beginning with the Gameboy Advance. That's 624 days total, just short of 2 years. If he sleeps a minimum of 6 hours a day, that means he will have spent a minimum of 833 days at the computer. Now let's pretend he can only spend a maximum of 10 hours a day at the computer, he will have spent 4 years working more hours than someone working a fulltime job. Now, seeing as how he's 25 and probably has rent to pay, we're going to assume he spends 6 hours asleep, 40 hours at work during the week, and all his available free time on the weekend to work on the game, and we come to the conclusion that Robert Pelloni is a faggot. The only possible explanation is that his landlord is a saint, or he's living off his parents' hard earned jew gold.
It should be of no surprise to anyone that Bob is also a goon, giving credibility to the faggot theory.
The Protest
Now, for some reason, Robert is having a hard time accepting the fact that a relatively unknown one-man development team working on what equates to a one-man circle jerk will have a hard time convincing Nintendo to allow him access to the Nintendo DS SDK over companies with dozens of employees who publish and develop superior titles like Let's Play Mums and Imagine: Ballet Star. So what does a perennial recluse with a severe case of USI do? Shut himself in his room for 100 days on webcam. That'll show Reggie. Or, uh, not. It began with so much promise too.
Despite his blustery wanking, Nintendo still couldn't give two shits about his awful game and ignored him. For 30 days. Robert was soundly defeated only a little more than a quarter way through his protest. How could he have known that Nintendo doesn't want to deal with people who write shit like this?
—Shortly after this came a severe onset of troll's remorse |
His blog quickly became a trainwreck of split-personalities posting really stupid shit, pretty much giving up the ghost that it was all one really stupid fucking troll. Or not, nobody knows and nobody cares. If any of this was an example of Bob's creativity when it comes to creating dialogues and personalities, it's safe to assume that his game would have fucking sucked no matter how much effort went into it anyway. We'll all know for sure when the Steam port gets pirated, since nobody is going to buy it on the iPhone.
The Nintendo Store
On February 1st, 2009, Bob felt Nintendo was still ignoring him, so he put on his super cool leather outfit, spent hours in bed to get his hair right, and hired three asian people he randomly picked off the street in order to raid the Nintendo store in New York. Of course nothing really happened since the store was practically empty, so he had to do with just harrassing the staff, putting bunches of posters on the walls practically overlapping each other and generally act like a nuisance. Of course, the staff didn't do the logical thing and call security, since this weirdo actually worked at the store anyway.
Now unlike the other videos on Bob's channel, this has only two stars because now it wasn't only multiple accounts and complete morons sharing their opinions on Bob's mess of a life. The star system is now removed from youtube, so this makes the previous sentance null. However, the video has more dislikes than likes. And yes, the game does suck cocks.
The Denial
On February 5th, 2009, Bob's stash of bricks was shat instantaneously when he discovered a reply from Nintendo in his inbox. But not all was well in the world of Bob, for he had no idea what would happen next:
For now, the threat of Bob's Game upsetting Madden 2010 and Petz: Pistol Shrimpz on the sales charts is quelled, and maybe he'll finally fucking release the thing as freeware. However, it's highly unlikely since Bob is completely unable to cope with the word "no" and will probably continue his rampage until he's pissed off Sony as well.
The Waaaaambulance
When the realization of his rejection finally set in, Bob decided to do what any indie game designer would do: make a horribly mixed youtube video portraying the other side as the bad guy and himself as the headstrong hero. On March 3rd, 2009, Bob uploaded a mock-up video of a meeting between himself and Nintendo (the reveal is hiding behind the dialogue banner at the end.)
Of course, we all know that in reality this all just equates to Bob being told to fuck off for refusing to demonstrate his game or even be willing to show how it's marketable aside from the whole "I MADE IT ALONE" angle. The astute reader will also notice there are no negative or critical posts in this video. This is because Bob, being the humble individual that he is, has been deleting every piece of criticism that has been posted.
The "Successful" Troll
Last Thursday bob released a video that was supposed to reveal the use of the touch screen. At then end though, he makes the big reveal that his ever-so-clever blog was just a planned advertisement.
The Setup
Bob (who is still a greedy whiny egoist IRL despite of what it seems) shows proof that the "rampage" in his room and "attack" on the Nintendo Store was fake and filmed in his home, like any good independent developer
nD
Boob has gotten so butthurt at his rejection by nintendo, that he wants to make and sell his own faggy console at no profit. He wants to manufacture a game console of some sort and sell it for tree fiddy. Knowing bob, he will spend ten years designing it and then get too pissed off at nothing to ever start manufacturing.
The voice-over was done by Darth Vader
In reality, he's probably just been hitting the bowl too hard lately, like "man, I should totally make my own game system, man, I would totally sell it for only what it costs to make it, and I would let other people totally do whatever the hell they want with it, like just because, man..."
Sound familiar?
See Also
External Links
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Bob's Game is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
