Alabama
Alabama was accidentally by a family of Europeans lost in the wilderness. Lacking better means of passing the time while awaiting rescue, they started a good ol' fashioned family orgy. Sadly, help never came. Centuries later, the region has become an amalgamation of brother-cousins continuing with tradition, and a surprisingly high number of upstanding black folk.
Alabama's predominant exports are family entertainment, mud, abortions, pigs and illiteracy. Much like the entirety of the south, excessive in-breeding has led to rampant retardation, the popularity of NASCAR, and ugly-ass bucktoothed bitches.
Getting to Know Alabamians
Alabamians are an interesting sub-species of Americans that managed to escape the euthanasia of the 1930s. They are almost as fond of their state as they are of lynchings.
Alabamians, butthurt at being utterly ignored during the Civil War, have decided to show their mean parents just how angst-ridden they are, by achieving the lowest SAT scores and highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the nation.
Alabamans love moonshine enough to invent sports like Nascar and the mullet toss as reasons to throw back a brew. The common stereotype of Alabamian men beating their wives is utterly untrue, as spousal abuse is far too much work for the average Alabamian.
Another fun pasttime of Alabamians is hunting. Hunting is a sport where a fat, aging redneck will sit in terrible weather conditions for days on end with a gun just to feel the thrill of taking a life. Many feel this is a poor substitute for the old jigaboo hunt, now outlawed by Big Government.
Mulattos be forwarned: Racial impurity is heavily frowned upon in the great state of Alabama and with good reason, the black race when given a chance will always try to destroy the Nobel white race.
—Uncle-daddy Roger, reciting the Alabama State Motto | ||
See Rednecks
- Whine about Big Gub'mint
- Bitch because your dis'bil'ty check hasn't arrived
- Pro Bass Shops and gun shops on every street corner - Sport and hunting supplies is like coffee is to Seattle.
- Using lead drinking apparatus (hence their slurred speech and below average IQ's)
- Recreational creation and use of crystal meth
—Upstanding Alabamian youth | ||
Government
The most famous Alabama governor was George Wallace who managed to pull the amazing feat of trolling both Negros and the KKK by promising "segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever" while also putting a whole bunch of blacks in government. No other Alabama governor has been able to pull off this since, so most governors will stick to trolling either the jungle bunnies or the Klan, but not both. All Alabama governors do enjoy to troll fags and lesbians as both white and black Alabamians agree that homos piss of the almighty God.
—George Wallace | ||
—George Wallace, realizing his mistake | ||
Favorite Past-Times
As seen in this documentary, Alabamians are crazy for rape and dreadfully fearful of flouride.
Alabama's exports include the following Southern staples:
- Bacon fat
- Bestiality
- Country music
- Cotton
- CP
- Crystal Meth
- Dirt
- High-quality, space-grade rockets and computer equipment
- Incest
- Peanuts
Alabama's imports
- Truman Capote
- Courtney Cox
- Paul Fetch
- Natalee Holloway - Also a state export
- Harper Lee
- Sammy Stephens
- Amy Bishop
- Hellen Keller
- Tim James
Language
In order to pass through Alabama with your life intact, it is necessary to learn the language. While officially English, it will undoubtedly be unlike anything you have ever heard spoken.
Transcript of a conversation from two near-simian humanoids in Alabama:
Inbred #1: WHAR YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: FIME FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: (...) UH...WHAR YEW SAIT YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: BOWAH HAIZE FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: HAH SAIT WHAR DAH HEYAL YEW BE FREM BOWAH!
Inbred #2: HAH SAIT HAIZE FREM HEW HEW HEW HEW HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW!
Inbred #1: WHULL WHAH DAH FUHK HAINT YEW SAIT SO BOWAH!
To speak the language, it is necessary to imagine yourself as a retard, but not just any retard. You need to imagine yourself as the mongoloid the other aspies at the group-home beat up for sounding like a faggot. If you can master this, you will be half way to sounding like a real Alabamian.
Education in Alabama
Education is largely nonexistent in Alabama. Everything one needs to know can be found in the |gospel and old episodes of Jerry Springer. College is frowned upon as many who leave never return to fulfill the obligations to their sixteen children and sister-wife Bobby Lee.
Trolling Alabama
It is very easy to troll Alabama.
1) Put on black face.
3) Become a NASCAR- and beer-hating Mexican homosexual.
4) Refuse to attend the lynching
5) Say that you're glad the South lost the war.
6) Say you think gays should be allowed to get married.
7) Say guns should be banned.
8) Get an abortion.
9) Wear a condom.
