Hellsing

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

This is pretty much what the whole series is about.

Major is drop-dead gorgeous!

Typical male character in Hellsing.

Myth: This is a beautifully drawn anime with a well-developed intriguing plot and character growth and no furries whatsoever. Religion is realistically portrayed and this series is not at all goth or emo. Guns are all normal-sized.

Fact: Religion amounts to a bunch of random namedropping and a Catholic priest who can throw hundreds of knives at people in milliseconds. Guns are bigger than most army trucks. The villains are baby-eating Nazi vampires which, some argue, is a very entertaining thing. It's still about 100 times better than Twilight though.

A creation of someone's sickening imagination, probably driven by a mix of depression, gayness, and LSD mixed with rubbing alcohol. A script was not involved in the creation process. Interesting details: One of the few anime series that actually looks painful (knife licking, knife through neck, fork in eyes, etc.) The good guy is made of blood, is immortal, the biggest fucking Mary Sue since Enoby Dark'ness, and can turn into a big, black, eye-covered blob. The "master" figure is confirmed as a female in episode 10.

As of sometime last Thursday they were making a remake of the OAV that is supposed to pwn the original 13 episode series. The new OAV follows the manga more closely than it's disowned counterpart. Really, though, it's just the same thing with more knives and over 9000 people getting stabbed.

It's being done by Korean sweat shop children under the supervision of Disney and is complete and utter crap. Coloring is being done by a trained pack of Scottish Terriers who throw bucket-loads of color at once at the papers, making all the colors mismatch or otherwise make absolutely no sense.

They did it for the lulz.

Also Seras gets raped by zombies. Twice.

TL;DR? Episode Synopsis!

Your average episode follows the following formula. I fucking dare you to challenge this flawless logic:

1. There's a brutal murder.
2. OSHIII VAMPIRES!!1111
3. Call Hellsing/Alucard.
4. Vampire challenges Alucard to exhibit its strength.
5. Alucard initiates the hax
6. Alucard gets shot, cut, burnt, raped, etc to no visible effect.
7. Vampire shits itself and Alucard literally eats said zombie.
8. ????
9. PROFIT!

Before Hellsing, author Kouta Hirano used to make his living off of beautifully drawn hentai such as this.

Main Characters

• Alucard: The main character and protagonist. Alucard is lame Vampire with a great big perpetual shit-eating grin on his face. Despite this, however, he possesses the power of God and cannot die. Unfortunately by some cruel twist of fate he is to be a servant to Lady Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing for the rest of his days. Since his name is "DRACULA" backwards (OMG SUBTLETY!) there is perpetual fan debate over whether or not he is Dracula himself, Dracula's son or in fact, a mere Jew. Was revealed in 8th volume that he is Dracula. SPOILER ALERT! ALUCARD DIES BY ABSORBING SCHRODINGER

• Seras Victoria: also known as Ceres, Celes, or Police Girl (because people are too fucking stupid to ever agree on names) is a 16-year-old slut cop who gets turned into a vampire. She becomes Alucard's servant after she gets a hardcore anal rape from him in volume one. Seras carries around a huge fucking gun called "Harkonnon" which possesses the spirit of Jon Stewart, whom talks to her while she sleeps. The only thing bigger than her gun, is her tits, which are size of Seattle on a stormy day during the second coming of Christ, making her the only fuckable character in the entire series. Surprisingly, she claims to be a virgin.

• Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: A woman who dresses like a man. It should be noted that it takes the average reader AT LEAST 2 volumes before they discover she is a woman. This isn't helped by a fucktard translator mistranslating her title, combined with a suck-ass fanbase who refused to accept a more accurate translation because they thought insulting Integral by calling her 'Sir' every time they refer to her was totally okay. Many fanbois speculate that she is in love with Seras, and demand that Kouta Hirano write a new manga series to explain how much hot lesbian sex Seras and Integral had during Alucard's absence. Because as we all know, hot women immediately turn to each other in the absence of a hot, virile man. Most fanbois are as stupid as fuck, and never comprehend that Integral is a staunch Anglican.

• Walter C. Dornez: A Jew who fought Hitler with fishing line. He is Integra's personal servant, saved from a life of getting ass-raped as an Anglican choir-boy. He gets the shit pwned out of him by Alucard over 9,000 times for great justice.

• Father Anderson: Alucard's rival (which is fucking pointless, since Alucard can't be killed). He is a Catholic pedophile priest who works for the Vatican, and speaks with a fucking retarded Scottish accent. He fights with knives and pieces of paper, and is the only human character who can't be killed. Fortunately this is proven wrong in Volume 8 when he is brutally fucked by Alucard and turns into a tree, which is then turned into a polished wooden dildo.

• Captain Pip Bernadotte: The leader of some group of the mercenary group called "Cock of Cheese". He is a porn star who faps to Seras on a regular basis. It should also be noted that his accent and ethnicity changes every third day of the week.

• Major Whatshisname: The reincarnation of Hitler with hideous eating disorder, also known as Drew Carey's twin, who inevitably ignites World War 3 just for the lulz of it. He's also a cyborg. Seriously.

• Luke and Jan Valentine: An heroes who decided to go on a killing spree at Hellsing HQ. Unfortunately they only last for 1 volume because the interesting characters always die first. They are easily distinguishable by the fact that Luke looks like he can power through a 10-hour buttsecks marathon and Jan is actually a pretty cool guy. Eh fuckin' skullfucks the fuck out of fuckin everything and doesn't fuckin afraid of Alucard's fuckin dyke of a fuckin boss. Fuck.

• Rip Van Winkle: Despite the name, she's female. Her speech consists of quoting old Operas that nobody gives a shit about. She is nearsighted, and has the same dykish fashion sense as Integra. Despite being over 9000 years old she still looks like a 16 year old japanese schoolgirl. Because she considers herself to be serious business, she attempts to act like an opera star by caring around a musket as a weapon (which is instant fail since muskets are complete shit). Luckily, Alucard arrives to beat the shit out of her. Though to his dismay, the musket actually works. Fortunately it isn't enough to stop him and he ends up impaling her with his cock. In the OVA, her voice actor cums buckets as she dies. SUBTLE.

• Zorin Blitz: Yet another dyke character. She takes steroids and carries a huge fucking scythe. She kills Pip, rapes Seras' mother and forces Seras to watch. Which is pretty typical behavior for an angry lesbian. Soon after, her head is literally ripped open by Seras who is mad for some strange reason.

• The Captain: A skyscraper cleverly disguised as a Nazi that no one even knows exists. Earned his prestegious position of standing around strung out on meth all day by killing over 9000 Jews. Aliases include 'Ze Kapitain' by Major, 'That guy I want inside me' by Seras and Schrödinger, and 'OH MEIN GOTT ITS TOO BIG' by Rip. Weaboos have officially decided that his name is 'Hans Günsche' because nobody in this series can have just one fucking name. Despite the fact that legions of greasy-ass cockhungry fangirls have supplied the internets with at least 100 sketches and fanfiction (moar like fanFAIL, AMIRITE?) of him railing Schrodinger like a bullet train, he is arguably the only straight character in the whole series since he never did, or will, say anything that can be made fun of. Oh yeah, he's also werewolf.

• Schrödinger: Another character whose gender isn't cleary defined. Although argued by many, he's actually male. Schrödinger is a catboy, invented by the Nazis. Apparently. He is the only character who cannot be killed by Alucard due to the fact that he can be "Everyvhere und Novhere" at the same time.

Longschro is LOOOOOOONG

• Tubalcain Alhambra: The wetback version of Gambit from X-Men. He attacks with exploding playing cards. Because of his immense faggotry, he is killed after only 1 volume.

• Incognito: An aborted fetus with AIDS. Gets fucked in the ass with a long pole. He is the least important character since he only appears only in the shitty TV anime which nobody watched.

Rating

• Action: 23 Stabbin' n' shootin' n' 'splodin', usually to a single person and all at the same time.
• Lulz: 3 Almost five minutes worth, mostly people getting violently murdered for no reason, which under few circumstances can be extremely funny. There's also baby eating, which is always a knee slapper.
• Furry Gayness: 1 there is a were-dog thing near the end. (5 if you count the catgirls in the manga and Schrodinger).

How to Troll Hellsing fans

For those of you who are big Hellsing fans, you know it's not hard to troll those who take it too seriously. Also, like most fandoms it is SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS like no joke if you get ANY detail wrong you must not be a fan. If you have ever talked to a serious fan it's quite easy to troll. The BIGGEST thing you can do to piss them off is to say any of the 'canon' pairings are wrong/don't make sense/are retarded then proceed to make up pairing you can explain better, cause they'll deny any say on your opinions, cause your opinions don't matter.

Steps to begin trolling:

1. Tell them Integra and Alucard - isn't the most HAWT thing EVAR. Tell them they don't even belong together. You'll create the biggest shitstorm ever by saying this pairings is dumb.

2. Tell them Integra X Seras or tell them Seras is better with Alucard.

3. Write Hellsing fanfiction with original characters

4. Cosplay Hellsing (God they hate that)

5.??????

6. PROFIT!

How to Troll Hellsing Roleplayers/ writers

1. Pair your character with Alucard

2. Make your character more original than Alucard - This means making them a more bad ass character, therefore, trumping Alucard. But you can't trump Alucard...no you can't you n00b! Alucard however (contrary to the fans) is a Sue, so make your character NOT a Sue

3. Making your character better, stronger, older than Alucard...biggest shitstorm right here. Remember! You can't make ANYONE better than Alucard!

4. Write anything other than an Integra/Alucard fic

5. ????

6. PROFIT!

Gallery

You might think that with his vivid, detailed art style, busty heroines, and affinity for domination, Kouta Hirano would make an excellent hentai artist.

Not!

Gallery of Hirano's Wonders About missing Pics

• 
  Catboy lieks the tasty cock.
• 
  It is a little known fact that Hitlol deeply enjoyed raeping catgirls in his spare time.
• 
• 
  AIIIIIIIIR

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Perfect anatomies.
• 
  Alucard started his career as a homeless Michael Jackson impersonator.
• 
  JUST RELAX, AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE BEING RAPED.
• 
  Math is not important when you're a vampire.
• 
  Baby eating Nazi vampire.

See Also

• vampire
• Rosario + vampire
• anime
• Hellsingripvanwinkle

Not To Be Confused With

• Hellsing920

External links

• Hellsing on LJ - Full of self-important wankers who like telling each other "OMG! GET OUT OF MY FANDOM PLZ!!!11!one!!"

Hellsing is part of a series on Anime Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.