Red Dead Redemption
—Edgar Ross, commenting on your massive amount of fail. | ||
Take GTA4, now add Fallout: New Vegas, and then add Brokeback Mountain and what you get is Red Dead Redemption.
Red Dead Redemption, a.k.a. GTA 1910s, is yet another sandbox game by the Britfag Game Producers, Rockstar Games; this time they switch it up a little by letting the Spicfags at Rockstar San Diego crap out a sequel to the shitty game they made, Red Dead Revolver. The game is now known as THE BEST GAEM EVAR!!11! by every 13 year old boy that owns a PS3 or Xbox 360. It takes place in the 1911 in Texas and Mexico, what technically makes it not a Western, but a World War I shooter. The whole game revolves around you trying to kill a bunch of Mexicans and niggers so that you can have your wife and son back so you can lock them in a dungeon and show them your rattle snake. The game is full of nutty Libertarians talking to you too long didn't listen while riding on horseback about how the darn dirty gub'mint is up to no good, because we all know how awesome the old west was.
Also full of glitches (see below).
The Plot
Most of the gameplay includes taming wild black stallions to use as your mount. The Outlaw Josey Wales uses A Fistful of Dollars to buy Two Mules For Sister Sara, and then goes on to Hang 'Em High For a Few Dollars More, all while fighting The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly... Okay, okay, enough Western movie jokes, here's the real plot:
You are Clint Eastwood John Marston, a retired outlaw and serial rapist who was sent to Texas by the government to hunt down every member of your old gang so that the government can give you your family back.
The game starts off with you getting off in a boat in the city of Blackwater. After five fucking minutes of watching yourself walk down the street, you finally get aboard a train, where you watch the landscape as two grannies talk about how Mexico is full of retarded donkey lovers and Injuns, and how glad they are that Americuh is finally occupying that "savage land". On the train, you also hear a priest talk to his daughter about how everyone who isn't Christian will go to hell but then says that "there's a great difference between an innocent and a savage", while John barely contains his rage. After arriving in a shitty town called Armadillo and meeting a retarded redneck, you start to ride a horse along with him to your gang's hideout, which is a big fucking fort in the middle of the open desert. After talking to the person you're supposed to be killing, he gets impatient and shoots you in the fucking face.
Amazingly, you survive and wake up at a ranch and greeted by a whore by the name of Bonnie McFarlane. You then start to become her bitch, doing the ranch work, which usually consists of sodomizing her horses and shooting niggas who try to steal the horses. The developers somehow thought that a game where you round up cattle for three hours is fun. The whole rest of the game includes you trying to round up a posse to help you kill the rest of your gang and trying to liberate Mexico.
In Mexico, you meet an Oldfag who teaches you how to really shoot a gun. Then you go work for the army. When you walk up to the gay Mexican army commander he acts all butthurt and threatens to shoot you, then reveals he's trolling and welcomes you in. After riding with him (in more ways than one), he eventually betrays you because you've been working with the rebels too. Just as you're about to take a revolver round to the head, your new rebel friends kill all the army fags. You then spend about 10 missions working for the rebel leader where you get to see saggy Mexican tits, enact your horrible vengeance on your betrayers, and find the Mexican and the guy you're after. Victory? Not yet...
After killing the Mexican and your ex-best friend, the darn dirty gub'mint decides to let you have your family back kill your family. At this point, instead of just continuing mowing down wave after wave of enemies without any effort, the game suddenly decides to take over for you and gets you heroically killed to save your wife and son, and you realize why your enemies were so ridiculously easy to shoot all the time: The game just sucks at playing itself. Your emo son Jack then takes over play and sets out to avenge you, and we are deeply moved, because John Marston was very close to him.
Fortunately this very fail ending can be avoided if you equip the High Power Pistol and press Right Trigger/R2 + A/X repeatedly before the final cutscene. It triggers an alternative ending: John Marston doesn't get shot and we watch Jack grow up as a happy, emotionally balanced child, until John and and his wife Abigail decide to divorce since they feel they drifted apart emotionally. John then becomes a mailman, his wife returns to her previous life as a prostitute and Jack start synchronizing funny cartoon sounds.
Main Characters
- John Marston, the gay cowboy trying to get his family back. He loves to hunt for rattle snakes.
- Bonnie McFarlane, the whore who saves your ass and then makes you her bitch for the rest of the game. Wants to bang John, but he's a MARRIED MAN.
- Marshal Johnston, the possible leading actor in Brokeback Mountain, is a guy who sends you to hunt the local gang, and bring their leader back as a sex slave.
- Nigel West Dickens, an 180 year old scam artist who pisses in a bottle and sells it to people by claiming it cures cancer. Also known as "Westley Snipes' Nigger Dick" or "Nigel It's-Time-For-A-Dickings".
- Seth Briars, a scrawny bum who's very much enthusiastic about finding some Jew gold. And please note, he puts his bodily fluids into the virgin anus of your now dead grandmother.
- Irish, an aptly named, limey drunk with a shiver-me-shamrocks accent. Has two friends, imaginatively called Welsh and French.
- Jack Marston, John's son. You play as after he dies, but don't find this out until the end of the main storyline. Oh, by the way, spoilers. He also has a voice that sounds as though he has garden peas between his legs.
- Dutch Van Der Linde, the leader of your old gang who looks like a mix between a homeless vampire and The Comedian.
- Bill Williamson, balding, neckbearded rapist who used to run in the same gang as you. He also fucked your wife. Pwns you at the beginning of the game. You get him back by sneaking into his hideout with a fucking minigun, and then later on, pwn him in Mexico.
- Abraham Reyes, a Mexican revolutionary leading of the Mexican drug trafficking niggas against the government. Possibly best Mexican ever.
- Harold MacDougal, an old-timey, racist anthropology professor who does cocaine. No, seriously.
- Edgar Ross, a fat, pasty, moustachio'd fed who hates John Marston because he refuses him any buttsex.
- HERBERT MOOOOOOOOOON, an old time racist bastard who runs the shop in Armadillo. Quite possibly the lulziest character in the game, he plays poker and you can kill him, then buy something from him right after, and then watch him take on the fucking army and never die while shouting his name constantly or blaming everything on gay nigger Jews.
Multiplayer
Rockstar games introduced a new and original way of multiplayer, which they named Free Roam. It lets you choose a gang/character skin out of 12 categories (see list below). Once you choose your character, you are now set free to do whatever the fuck you want in the single player world, except that there are other people playing with you. You can then group up with people to create posses, so that you can go around the map spawn camping every player with a name that starts with xXx running around shooting birds wearing a sombrero (98% of the game population). Your posse can also go and rape random gang hideouts for experience so that you can level up and get better loot. Sound familiar?
Although, in reality, you'll be fucked over badly by the same high level player, whilst riding your shit donkey.
Multiplayer Characters
- Miners. In the multiplayer, you are guaranteed to never find a player playing as a miner (Unless its that fat aspie that you unlock last), maybe it's because it's not as appealing as the others, or maybe it's because they look like homeless people who somehow got a hold of a weapon.
- Rebeldes. Ugly Mexicans who wear ponchos. 69% of the people who play as Rebeldes are people who like to solo gang hideouts (why not use singleplayer(?)).
- Dutch's Gang. Dutch's gang is mainly all full of Injuns except for one blond drunk who doesn't fit in at all and a large-eyed nigger.
- Walton's Gang. Niggers who wear top hats and unbuttoned shirts. 80% of the gang hideouts include you killing them. All of the characters wear the same clothes and look the exact same, except for their skin color.
- Cattle Rustlers. The true Texans Almost everyone plays as a cattle rustlers as they all want to look like "super kewl caoboyz". If you do play as one, you will most likely get spawn camped by a misc. Mexican.
- American Army. The True heart of AMERICUH. This group is full of Sgt Heartman lookalikes. In the multiplayer they can usually be found in the town of Plainview making sure all the Jew oil is getting off the ground.
- Federales. ...*Lawmen. The cops of the west. Nobody cares about them, or plays as them.
- Misc Woman This skin group was created so that Rockstar games wouldn't be boycotted by feminist women. This, though, didn't help as all of the female characters they created are either Ugly Mexicans or whores (with the exception of one granny in Legendary). Besides, everyone who plays a female in the game is actually a guy.
- Misc Mexicans. The Misc Mexicans are what you expect from stereotypical Mexicans. They are brown, have mustaches, wear ponchos, and all of them wear a sombrero (no, srsly).
- Misc Criminals. The playable "bad guise". Notice how most of them are black
- Legendary. The character skins you unlock at legendary mode. The normal skins are probably a lot better as the ultimate reward for beating the ultimate level cap for the multilayer is an ugly granny and a zebra donkey.
Awesome Programming
Last Thursday, an Xbox kiddie was peacefully playing a game, while he stumbled across a minor glitch. Sorry, he actually stumbled into a Donkey Woman. That's right, Half Donkey, Half Women and Half Mexican (Result of bestiality). He then posted a video of him riding his new mighty steed across the great plains.
The Same Xbox Kiddie found another interesting glitch. This time, it was a fucking cougar man. Although this glitch is not as bizarre as the Donkey women in terms of visuals, it looks like it's something out of Silent Hill, or a bearded Mexican midget.
But creating a donkey woman and a cougar man wasn't enough for Rockstar, no, they wanted moar retarded human + animal combos. So they created flying people with fucking wings that you can shoot and turn into crows.
And that's not all - they even created a snake person in order to appeal to the people that think furry porn is to lopsided toward furry things and that even cold-blooded creatures need some loving too. Also, this one is good for sucking your dick.
Fucking cougars (and other wildlife)
The main thing in Red Dead Redemption that doesn't make it Grand Theft Horse is the animals other than your horse. This beautiful wildlife observation simulation offers you at least 100 animals to observe in their natural habitats, including Bears, Dear, Elk, Sheep, foxes, Snakes, Wolves and -amazingly- wild purebred Race Horses to name a few. There are also buffalo which you can drive to extinction, showing white man doesn't respect the land.
However, the worst of them all, the force of nature that makes bears shit themselves, are the almighty cougars. Motherfuckers sneak up behind you and kill your horse, then while collecting yourself they kill you, too. You can sometimes find cougars chasing bears and killing them. Go into Tall Trees in multiplayer, you'll understand where you belong in the food chain after they fuck you up your horses ass. This sparked a fail meme: fucking cougars, as you'll be screaming that has they murder you.
Cougars also turn picking flowers into a manly thing. Only the toughest men survived the search for a Violet Snowdrop.
At least they kill Mexicans too...
See Also
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Red Dead Redemption is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |