Matt Shizzle

Did you know? 9 out of 10 internet virgins could get laid if they go to a church. If you are a Christian, Jesus will love you if you toss Matt Shizzle a "sympathy fuck". If you are an atheist, someone will give up religion if you give Matt Shizzle a sympathy fuck, and he'll have one less thing to whine about. Inane rituals and Jesus Wafers are far cheaper than psychological treatment, and easier than thinking for your self.

Matt "Shizzle" Gorman - Note the pic on the wall

Matt "Shizzle" Gorman

Matt Shizzle is Dawk-fag and a former member of the elite squad of butthurt atheists, the Rational Response Squad. He's your typical 34yo unemployed loser that lives with his grandmother in Bernville, Pennsylvania. He looks like a young Ron Jeremy but lacks the huge winkle. He spends all his time at home posing for pix wearing branded t-shirts including The Ramones[1], the Pittsburgh Steelers[2], and various atheist slogans[3]

Loser clearly lives with his grandmother

What Matt Shizzle wears to job interviews

. He also seems to play The Sims, and he was active on the forums at Mod The Sims until he ultimately got banned for posting Goatse on random threads after a dispute with a moderator.

Social Networking sites

He's presently a member of Meetup[4], [5]Berks County Atheists Group[6], Frappr[7], YouTube[8] The Rational Response Squad[9], Communities.com[10], Stickam[11], Mod The Sims[12]and Amazon[13]. However in spite of this he's never been laid.

Youtube

A good meter of sanity is whether you can make it through a day without yelling wearing underwear on your head.

His YouTube account is dedicated to intelligent witty humor.

1. I'm a Mad Pimp
2. Pimp Walk
3. Pimpin' and Basketball!
4. Pimp on vacation
5. Pimpsterpiece Theater 2
6. Advanced Pimp Slappin'
7. The Roo Song
8. You Are the Wind in my Bunghole
9. Cat throwing up

Relationships

Matt Shizzle's ideal woman is Penelope Pitstop

Relationships are difficult for Matt Shizzle. Rather than spending time to improve himself, or even leaving the house, he has tagged all women as being bitches[14] for not giving him the time of day. He has managed one internet romance with Carla, which has been pretty limited to jacking off on the phone.

	“	I'm desperate enough I'd be with any woman who would have me. I'd rather be with a woman that beats the shit out of me on a daily basis than keeping on being alone. In my case it's way beyond the regular not so successful guy - I'm 34 and still a virgin. I've never been on a date in my life and have never even kissed a woman[15].	„
	—MattShizzle looking for sympathy

He has this delusion that he's a pimp[16].

	“	Let us Pray the Pimp's Prayer. Lord, please pray for the soul of this beyotch and guide my pimp hand and make it strong Lord, so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.	„

While Carla is pursuing real relationships, Matt Shizzle is still buying her crap[17]. This shouts "I'm desperate, pay attention to me!"

Most grow out of the phase of buying tacky themed crap by age 11

	“	I actually found her exact address (when I sent her flowers almost 2 years ago) by doing a background check. [18].	„
	—MattShizzle being psycho

Matt Shizzle is clearly reading from the book "How to Scare Women Shitless in 60 Seconds (Even if you live 3000 miles away).

He also managed to piss off the moderators at one of the few forums on the internet with a significant amount of female participation by being himself.[19] He was also described as "creepy" by some members of the forum, one of whom he called a "cutie".

Living with Grandma

He claims to have some health problems and can't live alone.[20] However in due consideration of his YouTube videos and postings he should be able to qualify for welfare and "Special People accommodations". Special People buildings always have handy dandy light switches when flipped will call in a fleet of ambulances, the

People with real Asperger's Syndrome are like Rain Man. Actually good at something. Matt Shizzle isn't good at anything, not even generating lulz. Defiantly not. Doesn't shop at K-mart. Defiantly Cafepress. Yeah.

fire department, swat team, and the boy scouts. The odds of getting laid in a Special People building are very very high. The truth is he's just lazy and has no social skills. He managed to get a $13,000 debt chatting with internet hookers.

Claims to have Asperger's Syndrome

Mid 2007 he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He was most pleased as this is what he thought he had the first time he heard about it[21]. Here is some basic diagnostic criteria

1. Lack of Empathy - NO
2. Prefers playing alone - NO
3. Avoids eye contact - NO
4. Talk a lot, about something - NO
5. Have heightened sensitivity - NO
6. Lacks Emotion - NO
7. Talks formally or monotone - NO

He fails to meet the most basic criteria for the disorder he claims to have, and as he plasters it everywhere he can, it's clearly a ploy to get sympathy. This also explains why he's the first to start a flame war yet cries that he's suicidal.

I'm not a smart man, but I know what attention whoring is.

	“	He needs to get out, exercise, watch what he eats, get involved in a social activity and interact with people IRL instead of through a cable running to his bedroom. He needs to see a doctor and work out a diet and exercise regime. His social skills may be awkward, but these are things that can be learned.	„
	—--Nialler

Or in less clinical terms, he has got a burger & beer ass, not Asperger's.

Leet computer skills

Matt Shizzle claimed to have a BA in Psychology from Lulztown PA[22] yet had no idea what a circum vitae (CV) was. To prove he had a degree, he scanned his diploma at 300dpi and posted it here[23]. He had no idea why why people were annoyed that he posted a 8.5x11 image at 300dpi on a message board and just couldn't figure out how to resize it. In fact, he considered the image removal to be an "abuse of power"[24], accused the moderator of being "a serious fascist"[25], and asked the site owner to punish the moderator.

He also can't figure out how to charge his cell phone while it's on[26], or how to check his voicemail on his TracFone[27].

Getting laid - Join an atheist cult

He doesn't have a 6-pack nor does he have the technical ability to program a VCR. He also doesn't have the penis of Ron Jeremy, nor is he willing to get off his lard ass and actually be social.

He joined a tree house cult known as the Rational Response Squad, which is an organization that claims it's more rational to obsess over not believing in irrational shit and reason over superstition by being brainwashed by over emotional demagogues. But no one will fuck him there either. Being butthurt atheist is about as rational as being an evangelical Christian.

It should be noted that your chance of getting laid in at church are far higher than spending all your time at home wearing activist t-shirts.

Typical butthurt atheist sheep

Your regular atheist is a control freak who doesn't need a god to find their place in the world. People like this need religion in order to find their own imaginary place in the numinous, or at the very least get told what to think. They won't get off their lazy asses them selves, but they'll do it for Jesus, Allah, or Yahweh and have the added bonus of meeting brainwashed chicks who want to make babies. Without religion, Matt Shizzle is just a lethargic fuck and an epic fail as a person.

Learn moar

Matt "Shizzle" does have the hypnotoad effect going for him

Read these threads to learn more about Matt Shizzle

1. For the Bitches
2. Mattshizzle timeless classics.
3. "Pimp of the year" Thread
4. *For the Bitches
5. More MattShizzle

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Matt Shizzle is part of a series on Cults