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Apophis: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 05:42, 18 September 2017
Apophis is a giant lulz-killing asteroid which will pass close to Earth on April 13th, 2029. NASA have estimated its chances of a pan-lethal collision with the planet at one in forty-five thousand.
Ever heard that one about getting a three year old to check over your plans before you go ahead with anything? Ever heard the phrase "Schoolboy Mistake?"
We have some really lousy news for you.
Oh Shit
Cut to Germany, holy land of excellent beer, excellent sausages and the pwning of Jews, Scientology and Lowtax. 13 year old boy Nico Marquardt (no really, he actually is 13 years old) examined telescopic findings at the University of Potsdam and discovered a worrying discrepancy.
Earth satellites - of which there are about forty thousand - whiz around the planet at a height up to thirty six thousand kilometers. Apophis will pass by the Earth at a height of thirty two and a half thousand kilometers. This gives it about a 1/45,000 chance of smacking into one of them.
In the event this happens, it will circle back and propel a two hundred billion tonne ball of steel into the Atlantic, instantly blotting out the sun with dust clouds before propelling killer tsunamis in every direction.
NASA examined his figures, and issued the following statement:
In America, we set fire to peanuts for a science fair project. In Germany, they prove Armageddon.
LOL, DISREGARD THAT
Two days later, N.A.S.A. issued a press conference saying that they never said any of that stuff, that there was no asteroid, just a goa'uld mothership that Stargate SG-1 managed to defeat and GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
On April 16, 2008, NASA News Release 08-103 reaffirmed that its estimation of a 1 in 45,000 chance of impact in 2036 remains VALID. Final conclusion: HOLY FUCK WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE. And nothing of value was lost.
See also
