Scott Thomas Beauchamp

Private Beauchamp, looking for that special girl with 3rd degree burns over 70% of her body

Scott Thomas Beauchamp is a fucktard American soldier currently serving in Iraq and a contributor for The New Republic, a respected left of center magazine no one reads. His most recent article, "Shock Troops", has touched off a shitstorm that has created feelings of impotent rage and butthurt on both sides of the Blawg-sphere. He is considered a Real American Hero! or a traitor worse than Benedict Arnold and John Kerry put together, depending on who you ask. Some argue that the internet bitch-fest surrounding Beauchamp's essay may be the deciding battle in the War on Terror.

Background Info

Until recently Beauchamp led an uneventful boring life and maintained a gay emo blog[1]. After joining the Army, Beauchamp approached The New Republic editor, Franklin Foer, and offered to write essays based on his experiences while deployed in Iraq. Foer agreed to hire Beauchamp on the condition that he manwhore himself out to TNR reporter and one of three FACT-CHECKERS employed by the magazine, Elspeth Reeve, which he did.

After joining the Army, Beauchamp started another, much better blawg here. This blawg is 100% true and has been corroborated with anonymous military personnel.

"Shock Troops", an Essay Which Will Live in Infamy

Mmmmmmmmm, SEXY!!!!11111

On July 13, 2007, The New Republic published "Shock Troops", the most horrific first-person account of the Iraq War, nay, any war written to date. The essay describes three incidents of evil, barbaric atrocities committed by American soldiers which resulted in no less than 0 deaths and 0 civilian casualties.

In the first incident, Private Beauchamp demonstrates that he has a way with the ladies by loudly expressing his lust for a woman with some skin problems.

The thing that stood out about her, though, wasn't her strange uniform but the fact that nearly half her face was severely scarred. Or, rather, it had more or less melted, along with all the hair on that side of her head.

Go for it, Scott!

"Yeah man," I continued. "I love chicks that have been intimate--with IEDs. It really turns me on--melted skin, missing limbs, plastic noses ... ." "You're crazy, man!" my friend said, doubling over with laughter. I took it as my cue to continue. "In fact, I was thinking of getting some girls together and doing a photo shoot. Maybe for a calendar? IED Babes.' We could have them pose in thongs and bikinis on top of the hoods of their blown-up vehicles."

IED BABES!

In the second incident Beauchamp's platoon finds a Saddam era mass grave filled with the bones of children. An unnamed evil Jew soldier makes a yarmulke out of a muslim child's remains. Lulz ensue.

One private, infamous as a joker and troublemaker, found the top part of a human skull, which was almost perfectly preserved. It even had chunks of hair, which were stiff and matted down with dirt. He squealed as he placed it on his head like a crown. It was a perfect fit. As he marched around with the skull on his head, people dropped shovels and sandbags, folding in half with laughter. No one thought to tell him to stop. No one was disgusted. Me included.

The third incident involves an unnamed Bradley tank driver playing a hilarious joke on local dogs.

A dog that was lying in the street and bathing in the sun didn't have enough time to get up and run away from the speeding Bradley. Its front half was completely severed from its rear, which was twitching wildly, and its head was still raised and smiling at the sun as if nothing had happened at all.

Reaction to "Shock Troops"

The article was initially praised for giving a harrowing account of the grim realities of war by people who have never been to Iraq and know nothing about the grim realities of war.

The veracity of Beauchamp's claims were questioned by Micheal Goldfarb, the editor The Weekly Standard, a respected right of center magazine that no one reads. The collective voices of the rightard blawg-sphere were troubled by the publication of "Shock Troops" and were all like ZOMG!! THA TERRORISTS ARE WINNING!!!!111111 An army of conservative blawggers, including the likes of Michelle Malkin and Ace of Spades, were hell bent on discrediting Beauchamp and his essay.

Reaction to the Reaction

Leftard blawggers were all butthurt that those chickenhawks in the rightard blawg-sphere dared to question the honor of Private Beauchamp. It didn't matter that many of the critics were themselves military veterans. Anyone who criticizes a soldier criticizing the war is a chickenhawk.

The New Republic Vindicated

Respected journalist Franklin Foer, "My butt hurts." :,(

The editors of TNR released a statement saying they stood by Beauchamp's article and that anonymous military personnel had corroborated everything in the article, save one detail. The incident with Beauchamp and the female burn victim took place in Kuwait, not Iraq.

No one was more butthurt by the allegations against Beauchamp than TNR editor Franklin Foer who had this to say...

“My magazine this last week has been subject of basically a smear job by the Weekly Standard and a lot of the conservative blogosphere over a piece that we published from a soldier in Iraq, which we have gone back and re-reported and it turned out to be aside from one mistake to be the case and I just wish that there was, and this sounds like a trite mainstream media criticism, but that those in the blogosphere who kind of move from one reckless allegation to another reckless allegation for once apologize when they get something wrong."[2]

The New Republic Pwned, sort of

Matt Sanchez, a faggot ex-porn star/manwhore, and the rightard blawg-sphere's agent in FOB Falcon, Private Beauchamp's base in Iraq, announced on his blawg that the Army had completed an investigation into Beauchamp's allegations and found them to be false. The TNR editors responded by crying softly and cutting themselves. But they have yet to retract "Shock Troops". Now, the blawggers of the rightard 'sphere are going nuts, because this is the closest they actually get to pwning someone.

See Also

• Iraq
• War
• Attention Whore
• Blawg-sphere
• Lies
• Stupid

External Links

• The New Republic
• The Weekly Standard
• Rod Majors(Matt Sanchez)