Keycorp

Keycorp CEO Joe Bonen relaxing with a friend after tense negotiations with a mirror in his office

A Keycorp board-member lubricating the skull prior to a heavy session "I mainly do it for the lulz, but jeez, it does feel really good!"

This victim lived to tell the tale. Unfortunately her memory was pretty fucked...never can remember where she left the eye-patch, let alone the parrot.

A pissant private company located in Ausfalia. There were, until recently publicly listed. Some gullible venture capitalists got sucker-punched in the 'nads and while they were on the ground, writhing in agony, Joe Bonen (alleged CEO) and his merry band of cunts grabbed the contract and forged these venture capitalists names. From that point they were no longer answerable to shareholders and their delusions of grandeur firmly took hold.

Keycorp or as it is often referred to, Cuntcorp is 'managed' by a group of grade-A tossers. You would be hard pressed to find a stingier,meaner and more morally bankrupt bunch of drop-kicks this side of Australian Politics. Actually they would make excellent politicians as they are forever making promises they fail to keep. Essentially they're just a bunch of miserable cunts who delight in exploiting the steady stream of workers. I can't think of any other nice things I can say about them as a group so I will complement them individually:

- Joe 'where's my mirror' Bonen. The CEO...Chief Excreting Orifice. He does not like denim so no casual Fridays at Cuntcorp. A vain, egotistical and arrogant tool of a bloke who would have been right at home in Hitler's Nazi regime.

- Craig 'I can almost tie my shoelaces up' Little. The trusty lieutenant to The Bone. Enough said.

- John 'I'll save you $10,000 on that one JB' Bridger. A strange specimen with a hormone imbalance and the resulting 13mm clitoris. Has jew-gold hidden up his arse coz he is a fuckin' jew cunt.

- Cathy 'old age and treachery always triumphs over youth and skill' Livingstone. A small, fat, ugly, talentless, toxic cunt of a woman. At least I think it's a woman. It may be just a big, talking turd.

- Jackie 'SMILE' Suey. Always has a sunny disposition and willing to help new staff with any questions or problems. A pure delight to be around. NO, not really. Just another miserable cunt of a thing.

This crude assembly of people and resources which some may refer to as a 'business' is situated in one of the more crappy parts of Fairfield, the inner northern suburb of Melbourne. Appropriately, it is currently situated on an old rubbish tip. Many ex-employee's are buried in the foundations of the new premises...after their skulls have been thoroughly defiled by management at one of their Black Masses. Aboriginals, though not common in the area after they were used for veterinary experiments in the 1950's, can occasionally be seen stealing petrol from cars parked in the local streets.

So when management isn't skullfucking the remains of some unfortunate ex-employee who failed to make it out the building, they are fucking with the minds of present employees. Their philosophy as an employer is too push people too their limits. Therefore the 'rotating-door' policy on employing new staff. Where most normal organisations treat people as individuals with feelings and emotions, Keycorp's treatment of their staff is on a par with how the cattle are treated in Indonesia prior to slaughter. We are all waiting for some disgruntled ex-employee to return to the building, a blank look in his eyes, an AK-47 with many spare clips in a sports bag and the desire to share a little love around. High-velocity hollow-pointed love.

FOUNDATION VALUES

Why don't you REF PFS this, cunt!

- Lie to and deceive staff,just don't get caught. - Pass the buck as much as possible. - Distort the facts to weasel- out of any promises made. If that doesn't work just fuck with their head. Eye-sockets are particularly pleasurable.

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External Links

• keycorp.net