Zoklet

This article needs moar original Zoklet stuff to stop it being merged with totse. You can help by adding moar original Zoklet stuff to stop it being merged with totse.

Zoklet users are scientifically proven to have an IQ lower than 50. LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery, with an IQ of 51, is technically the smartest person on Zoklet and therefore also the coolest.

Shelbea West, queen of Zoklet. Is to Zoklet what Boxxy was to /b/, hence her new name; Zoxxy.

Photo of Unwyred's baby.

Zoklet was a BBS forum that gained internet popularity after the fall of totse. Created by Zok, a Jewish nigger, Zoklet carries on has failed to carry on Totse's legacy of free speech, and free information. It is now defunct, not that anyone gives a shit.

Zoklet Forums

Suggestions

Make him stop...

The suggestions forum is Toothlessjoe's home ground. If you can dream it, he's suggested it. Wai? Because it gives the illusion that he cares about the forums, resulting in a moderation position. Ever since 2004, Toothlessjoe has had wet dreams over becoming a moderator. Unfortunately, he has never achieved this goal.

When Totse migrated over to Zoklet in late January of 2009, Zok was giving out moderator positions left and right. Unfortunately, Toothlessjoe hadn't learned of Zoklet until it was too late, and all of the moderating positions had been filled.

Generally Speaking

In a sense the backbone of Zoklet. Contains almost 200,000 posts, and is Modded by Lanny, TCC and MizLed. As with most General Chat forums, users come here to talk about anything that does not fit in any of the other boards. Zok encourages deep and interesting discussions, however nobody on Zoklet has an IQ over 60, so that could never happen.

	“	wat i can't hav chapped lips motherfucka??	„
	—A deep and interesting GS post by Rainycity

Apparently trolling is not allowed, yet reading many of the threads one can easily see that this is a huge incorrect statement. Many "RIP" threads are created when a user doesn't post on Zoklet for more than 2 hours, most of them made by faggot user Daily, who trolls users into believing he is a hot and dirty whore who doesn't afraid of anything.

	“	Tokerface is by far the best poster I've ever seen, he's left an indelible impression on our user base and continues to set the bar high. In short, the perfect male specimen. I'd let him fuck my bitch any day.	„
	—Unwyred

Pissin' Each Other Off

Known as PEOO - Pissin' Each Other Off is where you go to bitch and whine about how you got butthurt by someone else in another thread. Reading more than one topic in here a day can cause you to lose all hope for humanity. It is mainly modded by Mizled, who shows up every now to ban people when she's cranky and on her period. It is also a well known fact that Mizled is a fat, repulsive 40 year old whore with red hair.

Bat Country

Standard quality Bat Country thread.

GS may be the backbone of the forum, but this acts like the backbone of the trolls. Containing a quarter of a million posts, it is the most active board on the forum. Boasting almost 20,000 topics, and is Modded by Euda and ShutMeUp. If you're looking for less quality posts, or have nothing worthy to say, then this board is right down your alley.

It's a well known fact that Grylls owns Bat Country is a cool guy who doesn't afraid of anything.

Love, Lust, and Relationships

Malice's harem.

Your average Zoklet poster.

A forum where virgins discuss sex and various sexual fetishes, despite having no knowledge of how to perform intercourse. Unwyred used to mod LLR, until he cheated on his wife, making Zok wise up and remove him.

	“	That's ridiculous, jerking to CP doesn't hurt anyone. I used to molest the family cat in my teenage years, but I got over it and it's not something I'd do again. I'm not ashamed of it at all and anyone that wouldn't be willing to accept me because of my past actions isn't worth my time.	„
	—malice

Blunderful thinks LLR is his blog, and is subsequently laughed at for his incredible fail at the game of mating. Despite never getting laid, he still gets more action than 95% of the Zoklet community. His lovable loser-type threads have resulted in the attention of female users on the board, thinking he is "OH SO KAWAII". IRL however, the women are fucking afraid, as he spends his dates talking about rape. Yes, really.

I said stupid things on the date though, as some of you know. I couldn't make a conversation - I talked about stupid shit like rape, etc.

Satan's Handicapped Helper (now known as MC Homicidal Rapist) fails just as badly.

I'm sitting at home getting drunk and watching The Trailer Park Boys when my friend rings me and says to go to his flat where there's a party and a girl he wants me to meet. So I'm thinking it must be a pretty ugly and desperate girl he's gonna hook me up with so I head down.

When I get there this girl answered the door to let me in, she is AMAZING. Fucking unbelievable hot, she was so hot I thought she was polish (she wasn't). I go into the party to see it's just 3 other people there drinking and I realised said hot girl was the girl I was supposed to meet. I might add that the girl was clearly disgusted by me. Her expression when she first saw me spoke of shock and horror. Anyways, nothing is clearly gonna happen so I sat around drinking and smoking hash while she complained that she wanted to hook up with someone "half-decent" (a dig at me, I assumed). This girl was offering me money and everything if I found someone for her to fuck and I said "I'll do you for free" but she declined. I even agreed to find someone for her and I took her phone and rang myself, she didn't think that was cute or funny 

Anyway, an other guy came round who I assumed got off with her (left before that to spare myself like a basic amount of dignity). On my way out I stopped at the door to listen in on everyone and they were all laughing at me and the girl said I was the ugliest person shed ever seen. 

So yeah, I've decided I'm never going to try anything with an other girl for the rest of my life. Only bad things come from it for creatures like me.

Common LLR topics include;

• HOW DO I HAZ SEXX0R!?!1
• Best way to rape my sister?
• Just got fired for sexual harassment.. did I do something wrong guys?
• I'm 12 and my dick is 20 inches long, should I get it surgically shortened?
• You want to know why I molest cats? Fuck you, here's why.

This is what every Zoklet user is like in real life.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Mugshot of BLTC moderator Panthrax, taken days before he was gang raped by niggers in prison.

This is where all the junkies and stoners of Zoklet post. A noteworthy thread includes "Bump When High", however the users are too high to realize that the thread is stickied.

The sub-section contains many stories from responsible drug users HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

My friend had the courtesy of letting me have a couple of grams of MXE/4-fa which I proceeded to binge on merciless. Both substances seemed rather innocent and uncapable of harming me due to the lack of cognitive decline so I really wasn't worried when I found myself going through a gram of MXE a day. I would spend my days snorting lines while chatting with all the losers and alcoholics in tinychat, enjoying the amazing opiate slash ketamine high. In a way I had found my own little version of nirvana but then things started to get out of hand. It happened somewhere before dawn, I'm guessing four in the morning. I had comedown from the mxe and when I looked for more it was no where to be seen. In my disassociated state I had misplaced the baggie and I started to freak out until I realized the 4-fa baggie was still very full so I layed it out in front of me and eat a really small bump. Twenty or thirty minutes later I felt a high so bizarre that I can only describe using abstract words. It felt like my muscles had been replaced with accordion like lining. It felt like I was "zonked". Haha, I'm not sure if that has any significance to anyone but that's the only word I can use to label my high. 

I started browsing 4chan and I started feeling this very strong feeling of sexual arousement which prompted to jack off to the weirdest shit on /hc/. It was all going well when I suddenly came down. The psychedelia was gone and I was left with only my limp penis so I obviously re-dosed. This is where things started to get wild and blurry. I took a bigger bump than I did last time, pretty much poured it all over my ipod and licked it off. I swear I felt high as soon as the powder started to burn the underside of my tounge. I starting spiraling into this extreme state of stimulation fueled by the need to orgasm and bleeding of psychedelia but no matter how I tried my penis wouldn't get hard. It was only when I started jacking off to some fake rape videos that I got it going again but then another hour had passed and I started to comedown. If I were to have found the mxe right there and then and had an OBE I probably would've seen myself all sprawled over my bed with my hand stuck inside my boxers, all while I'm drooling and with my eyes rolled back. I was in no state to eyeball shit so I ended up pouring the whole bag, the whole remaining two grams, unto my mouth. I felt high instantly and a few minutes later I came up.

The first I noticed was having hallucinations similar to what I've gotten after doing copious amounts of cocaine. I could hear people whispering about how high I was but I really couldn't grasp what they were saying. It was as if I were eavesdropping on their conversation yet I couldn't make it more than a few words at a time but I did piece together something along the lines of "He's really high, we should call the cops". Since this wasn't the first time I experienced drug induced psychosis(nor would it be the last), I kept my shit and put some music on. I continued to fap like a motherfucker but then I started to have visual hallucinations as well. There was the aural quality to them, it was almost as if I were witnessing my brainwaves. Somewhere along this time I either fell asleep or blacked out but I woke up to my grandmother yelling at me to get ready for school. But wait, what's school? I stood up but fell to the floor. Something was really wrong. I layed on the floor for a while in the position you would be in if you were doing push-ups and eventually I stood up and started to get a faint concept of what was going on. OH SHIT YOU OVERDOSED ON A NEUROTOXIC CAME TO MIND but I didn't have time to worry about that. The thought of being sent to the hospital and consequently locked back up with all those crazies came to mind so I breathed in and out. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE FUCK, CALM DOWN

I stumbled across my room like a fucking paraplegic in search of an amulet Ali gave me months ago. I knew I was going to need it and with that I carefully walked into my shower. My pupils were TOO dilated, not even psychedelics or mdma produced such extreme mydrasis and I got even more nervous of anyone finding me in this state. As soon as I got into my bathtub my arms started flanging against the walls, effectively knocking over a couple of shampoo bottles. I tried picking them up but I lost my balance and almost fail. I started twitching and my head started twitching badly. I got out of the bathtub before I fell and hit my head and I went upstairs. I tried putting my pants on but I had no fucking idea what they were. My brain wouldn't register what this piece of blue cloth meant to me but I somehow managed to get dressed. I started flanging my arms again and this time i knocked over a few portraits on my desk. I was surprised my grandmother hadn't asked what the noise was. I put my belt on and looked for Ali's amulet and I just sat on my bed for a while. My aunt's alarm sounded in the next room and it was terrifying because sound was extremely distorted. It sounded like someone were passing it through a fuzz box and wah wah peddle at the same time. I put on Captain Beefheart's Bat Chain Puller but I couldn't recognize the sound I've heard for so many years so I just turned it off.

I sat there shaking and I realized, fuck, school. The school bus was honking outside so I ran out and dilated pupils and all(no socks or sandals) walked up to the bus and asked the bus driver if I had to go to school. Everybody stared at me and somehow the busdriver just left. I walked back into my house and noticed my grandmother was dropping my aunt off at work so I started thinking of a half assed plan. Basically I stumbled(I was loosing control of my leg) into the basement and hid in one of the darkest corners. I was shaking and feeling very cold and I had no idea on what I should do next. Should I call up my aunt and tell her I had to go to the hospital? Should I contact herpes girl and tell her I needed a place for a few hours? Do I just sit here and hope my grandmother doesn't find me? I chose the latter and when she came home minutes later I stood still and did my best to avoid jerking uncontrollably but I could feel consciousness fading. My grandmother walked down a few times to the basement and I held my breath hoping she wouldn't feel the whimper of a dying seventeen year old and somehow this worked. A few minutes later she left for work heself and I found myself alone. By this time I had actually lost full control of my left leg and I knocked over a lot of things in my basement due to my hurriness to get into my room's closet but my leg wouldn't respond to my commands so I actually had to pull it so it'd go up the stairs. I knew this was going to be a long day so I took the time to break into my step-grandfather's liquor cabinet and stole a bottle of wine. I looked for a wine opener and with that I pretty much crawled up into my room and locked myself inside my closet. 

I started to fall asleep but I noticed I hadn't even closed my closet door so I closed it and just sat there waiting. I started to notice just how bad my right leg was. It wasn't moving at all and I feared I may have induced some sort of vassocontriction similar to that seen with bromo. I touched it and it was really cold and felt like it was made out of stone. I think the proper term would be "extremely fucking rigid". This is when the convulsions started. I would start having similar spasms like I was before only this time they were so bad I felt like I was doing some muscle damage to myself. I started biting on my lip to "gain control of the situation" and I blacked out cold. I woke up a couple of hours later with the bottle of wine still intact.

I noticed my leg was working again and I walked slowly to the bathroom to inspect my pupils when I noticed my fucking face was dripping blood. It was caked in blood. My nose was stained with dried blood, my forehead had blood, my neck had blood, and as I inspected the rest of my body my hoodie was strewn with pieces of long veins or flesh. It had whitish ripped off pieces of my cheek all over it and I was both horrified and disgusted. I considered taking a picture for future reference but I decided it wasn't the time to fuck around so I just washed my face but then I started throwing up. I've been vomiting for years but never did I SPIT shit out of my stomach. It wasn't projectile vomiting, it was more like a "SPLAT" sort of affair. The vomit was pitch black and I was confused for a moment because well, I don't eat anything black but then I saw some in contrast with the whitish toilet seat and realized it was more of a really dark red than black. I was vomiting blood. I cleaned up everything and a few hours later my grandmother came.

It's been a week since this happened I have to say I experienced the most horrible state of depression for days but this went away. The only side-effect I've noticed is mood swings but I'm not sure if that arose from my overdose. I think a good approximate for how much I took that night varies anywhere from 1.5 to a full blown 2 grams. I haven't noticed any significant cognitive decline, my stomach is perfect, and apart from an extreme state of borderline suicidal depression that followed my binge, I've been ok.

Paranormal

"Mystical and the paranoid - a combination of alchemy, crystal healing, psychic powers, Old and New Age thinking!" - Aka, the bullshit forum.

ArmsMerchant, also known as The Zodiac Killer is the moderator shaman of Paranormal, and actually believes the bullshit that gets spewed here. He believes in spells, magic, and thinks he can tell the future. To summarize, Greyfox is a 60 year old man with an ego bigger than Tr1p's nose.

He once held a contest with his used underwear as first prize, expecting people would be delighted to win such a thing.

Regulars will know that I sometimes give things away to other members--everything from rolling papers to an emerald, most recently a cockroach finger puppet.

I now have the perfect giveaway for Bat Country--Batman underwear. Yep--I have two pairs of boxer shorts--one has the classic Batman logo in black and yellow, the other has The Dark Knight. Both are flannel, size medium (32-34 waist), clean but previously owned. (I collect and distribute clothing to local low-income folks, which is how I came upon the shorts.)

So--in case you want one, post and say why. I haven't decided on the criteria for winners, but I must limit this to USA addresses only.

He once made a thread actually stating that anger was the same thing as fear, which resulted in lulz. His infamous quote, "Angry? Be advised that anger is fear announced." has become a meme on the boards. Memes? Be advised that memes is unoriginality announced.

ArmsMerchant has a number of character traits that will either make you lol, or disturb you.

• Despite promoting peace and harmony, he holds the profession of a weapons salesman. Yes, really.
• Refuses to eat canned food, due to it being "poison", but smokes JWH.
• Takes care of another man's children.
• Lives in a cabin, in the middle of the forest, with no electricity. This is more than likely to hide from the police, due to his profession as The Zodiac Killer. He has to travel long distances to get to the local library, to post on Zoklet.
• Has admitted to having sex with over 100 people (note: people, not women).

Site Features

LavaRed. Yep, this beauty has a dick.

DaGuru's threads are so unbearably awful that it's actually been proven possible to go into cardiac arrest just by reading them. DaGuru was responsible for Zyzz's death, making him an internet killer.

Pick up my rubbish, chimp!

Quality Moderators

Out of all of Zok's incredible talents, his most dominant characteristic is his ability to select knowledgeable experts to moderate the site.

• Tachosomoza: A 40 year old paraplegic with one eye who works as a high school janitor. Mods Bad Ideas.
• Hello Clarice: A divorced woman. Mods Love, Lust and Relationships.
• LavaRed: Has admitted to being a tranny. Mods Love, Lust, and Relationships.
• Zanick: A handsome, intellectual youth, feared by the wicked and loved by the righteous. Mods Religion and Spirituality and Conspiracies And The Paranormal.
• Psychomanthis: Excels at copying and pasting drug information directly off of wikipedia. Mods Better Living Through Chemistry.

	“	For real. I have always been. I've known it for years. I guess I just either don't have the balls (oh the irony) to transition, or else I have realised that living and acting as a male (what my body is like) has its benefits. But in private and amongst some members of my family I spend lots of time as a girl. I just don't feel the need to be all out and pride abt it.	„
	—LavaRed

Users who pretend to be women

Zoklet doesn't exactly attract the upper echelon of society, resulting in many 40 year old virgins pretending to be women to fulfil their repressed desires for sexual male attention.

• WAN: An acronym for "weiner and nuts". Has posted numerous threads about wanting his Bulgarian assistant manager's cock.
• Silverfuck: Robinhoody's troll account.
• Daily: Seduced Vizier over msn under the guise of being a teenage girl, resulting in him buying a plane ticket to go and meet "her" in England.
• Lanny: Actually went to the effort of creating a fake Facebook account of the girl he was pretending to be. Dresses in drag IRL and regularly faps with a belt around his neck. Molests children and is an all-round sick fuck.

Senile Users

• -SpectraL: Lives to whine about Zoklet. Claims to have all these "hacks" and regularly threatens to shut Zoklet down. Couldn't hack his way into a wet paper bag.
• DaGuru DaGayru: Also lives to complain about Zoklet. Isn't cognizant of the fact that Zoklet isn't the only forum on the internet.
• ArmsMerchant: See The Zodiac killer.

	“	When I see regulars joking and laughing at a situation where a good member has been illegitimately banned, basically scoffing the loss of a good member while at the same time laughing along with the crooked admins and patting them on the back, it really makes my stomach turn. I'll remember all the names of you scumbag takers, too, so when your turn finally comes I'll make doubly sure to throw you an anchor if you happen to be drowning in more than three feet of water. You'll fully deserve it as well. I'll be only too happy to make sure you go down in flames scoffing your stupid little asses off all the way down.	„
	—SpectraL internet tough guy

• Schplew: While not senile, is extremely autistic and will yell at you over the internet if you do not agree with him

• Duke Zion: The greatest member to ever post on Zoklet or Totse, he regularly trolls the boards while high on DXM. He has broke a new record by having the most posts in the shortest amount of time which shows he is a total winner on the internets.

Famous Zokleteers

• Snoopy
• HTS-Noob
• MR HAI (carried on as an imposter from totse)

The Zokalypse

In September 2014, tired of being trolled by feds and weary from non-stop masturbation for 5 years, Zok announced he was going to molotov everything by pulling the plug on Zoklet so that he could spend more time in his mom's basement pursuing his IV Jenkem addiction. After a brief period of huffing raid and circle jerking before the BBS became non-operational, most Zoklet users went on to fatally overdose on a combination of DXM, RC stimulants & Schplew's rancid jizz. Zok however went on to become a porkpie hat wearing Jenkem & Raid drug lord who likes to be known as "The one who cocks."

See Also

• Totse

External Links

• Zoklet
• Totse