User:Ambient Malice/To the Moon

The actual game looks nothing like this

The game's entire plot encapsulated in a single lolcat.

Ingame screengrab used by lazy reviewers.

The Original Story

To the Moon has a totally original story, just like the Matrix. Scientists use a machine to enter into people's sleeping brains and insert new memories, just like Inception. And one of the leads is a woman with issues, just like Paprika. While real people would invariably want to have their past rewritten so they spend their entire life banging supermodels, To the Moon focuses on an old dude who wants to go to the moon for a reason he's too senile to remember.

You play as one of two Doctors who work for the Sigmund Corporation, named after a certain pseudo-doctor who was obsessed with penises.

The Tunes

To the Moon has an astonishingly shitty soundtrack which sounds like something from some indie film about a lesbian who runs away from her parents to live on a carrot farm. However, since the uncharacteristically unshitty theme tune gives people EPIC FEELS, nobody remembers how crappy the rest of the soundtrack is.

If you buy a copy of the OST instead of copying the hidden .ogg files from the game directory, you're helping disadvantaged kiddies. Doesn't that just make your bleeding liberal heart glow? Instead of just donating money to the kiddies for no reward like a conservative would, you can buy a soundtrack you already own so you can feel as if you got something in return for your phony generosity!

The characters

Fact: Nobody can remember the full names of the two main characters after a single playthrough. That's how memorable they are. (And why TV Tropes was invented.)

Dr. Eva Rosalene:

The real main character. Will do whatever is needed to get the job done. She's Indian or something. Blatant ripoff of Ritsuko Ikagi from Evangelion

It's not racist to suggest two cold women in labcoats of dubious sexuality and different ethnicity are similar.

Dr. Neil Watts: Token male. Pill-popper with a potentially lethal health condition. DOES THE TOP STOP SPINNING, MR WATTS?

John H. Wyles: Also called "Johnny". The patient character. Evidence suggests he is actually an ex-Nazi who escaped justice in the Nuremberg Trials. Wants to go to the moon because he saw that Wallace and Gromit short once.

Joey Wyles: Twin brother, lost because Johnny's brain was fucked by memory-suppressing drugs. Plot twist, doods!

River E. Wyles: Chick with no emotions. No, not the super awesome animu kind who suffered experiments which turned her into an emotionless shell who cries in the night sometimes when she's not slaughtering monsters and making out with her female sidekick. She's got assburgers, and the game makes sure to treat her condition with respect by making a major plot point out of it and bringing it up OVER and OVER again.

Coyote E. Wyles: Expected to appear in the sequel.

Tommy & Sarah: Two little kids who accidently wandered off the set of Chrono Trigger.

Nicolas: Some dude.

Isabelle: She also has assburgers, and the game also makes a big deal out of this.

Roadkill: This poor critter almost got out of appearing in this travesty when it was run over, but its mangled, stinking corpse was turned into a major plot point.

Nongame

Because to the Moon contains almost no player agency, branching plotlines, or even redeeming H scenes, many people have questioned whether To the Moon is actually a videogame at all. This is a damn good question, but the butthurt liberals who dominate videogame journalism won't hear of it.

	“	[Classifying games into games and nongames is] exactly the same as when homophobes try to 'define' marriage as between a man and a woman.	„
	—Brendan "I don't respect anyone who disagrees with my politics" Keogh.

Ambient Malice/To the Moon is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.