Warhawk

The only game that was available for the PS3

Warhawk, or Warcawk, but not Warrock, is a nerdier (and unfortunately more popular) clone of Crimson Skies. The premise of the game is just like any other: Shoot shit and die. However, there's a twist! You can also go in airplanes so you can shoot shit and die in the air. Just like every other 3rd person shooter game in the entire world, the story is about a never ending war between 2 factions. In this case, the faction's names are the Eucadians and Chernovan. You, the player, assume the identity of an unnamed soldier from either faction. Arm yourself to the teeth with the latest technology Asian engineers have to offer, and get ready to start fagging up land, sea, and air.

Humble Beginnings

Warhawk was a game which was originally shat out of Sony's company, Incognito Entertainment, in 1995 for the PlayStation 1. However, no one gave a shit about it because all you could do was fly around and fire some poorly animated lazers. Unlike it's descendant, the only game-mode was campaign. Several CEO's later, Incognito's director, Dylan Jobe, had the brilliant idea of rebooting the series from scratch, since the first one was such a smashing clusterfuck of pure win. After 48 hours of intense fighter jet-induced masturbation, Jobe came to the conclusion that Warhawk was, and remains, the single greatest game EVAR. Thus, Jobe begged Sony to have the game remade. Out of pity and annoyance, they gave him the green light. Warhawk was released in closed beta status around 2006 exclusively to basement dwellers, who collectively shat their pants in ecstasy. At first, the beta was a steaming pile of horse shit, suffering from loading problems and ridiculous mid-game freezing, neither of which were ever fixed. The full game was later released in 2007, and many lulz ensued as over 9000 people flooded its servers, pissing off thousands of whiny, acne-scarred faggots.

Weapons (Get a weal gun!)

• Note: Each weapon must be fired in excess of A BILLION FUCKING TIMES to kill your opponent.

Machete - Shit sonnn... Now you're a real gangsta

Wrench - Basically the fusion coil from Battlefront 2; you fix your shit vehicles and fuck up your enemy's.

Pistol - Might as well fight with a fucking bow and arrow, about as useful as BF 1942's pistol.

Assault Rifle - The most basic and frequently abused gun in the game.

Flamethrower - KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Rocket Launcher - Typically used to troll everyone, especially players in vehicles.

Mine - Useful if you want to delete fucking everything or generally be an asshole to unsuspecting players.

Biofield Generator - Energy bubble that heals your shit and hurts the bad guys while standing in it.

Binoculars - Call in God to shit all over your enemy for the added lulz.

Sniper Rifle - Terrible accuracy, however now matter what you do this gun will pwn anyone in one shot anyways- even if you miss them.

Vehic-lulz

Jeep - Basic mode of transportation. Needs two or moar dudes to do a drive by or you can simply run over people and crash.

Warhwak/ Nemesis - the planes in this game, because it wouldn't be Warhawk without the plane the game was named after. Shoot, drop bombs, and shoop da whoop from the skies. The planes are as strong as CopperCab's self-esteem, so they can even be taken down by the fucking wrenches. They have a ridiculously high difficulty curve too, so you're basically going to get your ass kicked unless you've been playing since release.

Tanks - Most abused and undeniably the most lulziest in teh game. It takes one shot from the tank to kill anyone on foot...or in the air.

Dropship - Slow ass and useless carrier. You would need infinite patients to ride these, but when you do, it wouldn't matter since your ship will probably be blown to smithereens within 0.-1 seconds. Only useful in capture the flag.

APC - A truck that can carry many and spawn a few. It has a deployable shield which cannot be penetrated (except by walking through it lolwut) and has a charged turbo that lets you run shit over. If you decide to blow up a shielded APC while your in a plane, the best way to destroy it is by crashing into it.

Jet Pack - Only the coolest mode of transportation evar. It's a fucking jet pack, it can't get more awesome than that.

Fans climaxed at the sight of this picture. Too bad this isn't Warhawk

Mounted Weapon

AA-Guns - A mounted hunk of metal that has dual guns to shoot down planes. However, just like everything else in this game, it's a piece of shit that doesn't have a wide range to shoot the fucking aircraft down from far and takes a billion shots to take it out. Seriously, after you manage to get some shots, your target will always fly away like a bitch and shoot at you from a distance until you get out on foot so he can come back and rape you.

Missile Launchers - Same shit as the AA-Guns but this actually contains lulz. Basically it locks on to aircraft and launches fucking missiles and will follow them until the end. Blow the fuck out of the fags on the other team. The con besides taking forever to reload is that the enemy might be a ballerina in the sky and dodge the missiles while others use chaffs to fuck shit up for you. Another shit is that your completely fuck once you enter because during your hunt, some fag will take advantage of the situation and use his TOW missile or binoculars on you to fuck up your day.

Mounted Machine guns A complete waste of time and effort. Seriously who the fuck uses those besides noobs? It leaves you vulnerable to the world so might as well pull your pants down, bend down, and let the other team take turns gang banging your ass.

Lulzy Quotes

	“	Dear Warhawk players, Recently we have observed a bump in the number of "stats padding" games (games where players artificially pad their stats). Please be forewarned that this practice will not be tolerated and players engaging in such actions will be subject to the Sony EULA banning rules. We will wipe the offending player's stats and institute a 1 day ban. If the same behavior is again observed these players will be banned for much longer periods. Thank you for your continued cooperation and support. Sony Computer Entertainment of America, Warhawk Monitor	„
	—A real OG and Internet toughguy, the Warhawk Mod. Respect!

	“	putting tha pimp hand down.	„
	—Dead1yAssass1n

	“	yeah baby, crackdown......Sic em , sic em real good :D there is a WARHAWK GOD !	„
	— aviles

	“	Yay! thank you! However i think you should look at the people who clearly have already done this and clear their stats. It's making hard for legit players like me and many others here to get higher in the global ladder.	„
	— ShArPaeShOoTeR, a true honest player.

	“	I still dont understand what it is lol	„
	— Some n00b.

Griefing in Warhawk

This what keeps Warhawk going. You can almost tell why the servers are so stable

- In Warhawk, Stat Padding is one of the many forms of trolling because your sticking it to the man as well as metaphorically ass fucking players who actually work hard for the money.*

-Make a clan and call it KKK, put as a clan tag and enter a server and start to yell "KKK RULES!" or "SEIG HIEL!". You will be greeted by the easily offended. Added lulz if you rally up your friends

-Turn the voice synthesizer high and start talking shit. The other players will go nuts hearing your high pitched voice.

-Create a room and name it Stat-PaddingRnkUP.*

-Complain about lag.

-Complain about hax.

-Destroy vehicles located in your base at the beginning of a match, your team will appreciate it.

-Create a road block to block your teammates from getting the flag to the base.

-In team based modes, fit your teammates vehicles with mines. That way, you can kill enemies and your teammates or have your enemy kill easily kill your teammates. Mines are sensitive to about everything in Warhawk.

-Enter a vehicle (except planes), when a teammate(s) hitches a ride, bolt quickly to a cliff on the edge of the map and quickly jump out the vehicle. If done right, your teammate will still be in the vehicle plunging to his/their death(s). This will count as a suicide and one point will be deducted from them, watch lulz ensue.

-In rooms that contain the Fallen Star pack, grab a jet pack and get in a plane. One member in your team is bound to hitch a ride with you without grabbing a jetpack first. Fly in to enemy territory or stay in the middle of the sky and leave the plane midair. If done right, you will escape while the dumbass in the plane is stuck in the sky awaiting to be shot down or to commit suicide if they don't know they can switch seats. Great for trolling.

-Enter a room and set your audio options to open mic. Proceed to put on a song loud like Party All the Time by Eddie Murphy, music from the Spice Girls, Miley Cyrus, Ricky Martin, BackStreet Boys, Justin Beiber or Soulja Boy. For more interesting results, turn the voice changer into high pitched.

-Find some gay porn and turn it up loud with open mic when in a room. NOTE: If you get distracted and watch the gay porn, then you are gay.

-Enter a room and complain about the PS3 sucking, and how the ecs-bawkz 360 is way better

-Host a room, and when people join, kick them one by one.

-When playing on someone's server on a Team Death Match or any other team mode, kill your team members. Switch teams and do the same.

-Pick up the flamethrower, as your team mates are sniping with binoculars or a sniper rifle, block their line of sight by spraying them.

-???

-Profit

The Death of Warhawk

Pussy shield, activate!

With all the money generating from Xbox360, Sony wanted to make a Halo-killer of sorts. Haze (release after Warhawk) was hyped up and supposed to be that deterrent to knock gamers socks off and have them burn $600 off an overpriced dvd player. But like any Sony game, Haze proved to be another over hyped piece of shit that went directly into the bargain bin within a month. After that, Sony went back to fuck with Warhawk some more since it was receiving more attention. Incognito decided that it would be a smashing idea to release DLC for players to buy, however Sony released them 2 years after. Despite this, basement dwellers still hanging on to Warhawk proceeded to rack up some bills on their parents credit card to buy even more over priced content for Warhawk. The fact remained that Warhawk was the only thing that kept the PS3 on a limp. This remained true until Metal Gear Solid 4 was announced and everyone who was about to trade their system for an X-Box fapped to Old Snake and decided to keep their PS3. After all, it was an exclusive. After MGS4 came out, Warhawk became forgotten. Today, you will find noobs, 13 year olds, emos, and New Jersey residents still playing on the servers. Jobes has since left Incognito and started his own company. He claims that the successor to Warhawk, called Starhawk, will be released soon. It's been 2 years since then.

tl;dr No one plays this shit anymore, don't buy it.

Conclusion

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