Red Sox Nation

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What the average member of the Red Sox Nation looks like.

“	Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of shit that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.	„
—Hank Steinbrenner, owner of the Yankees Universe.

<video type="youtube" id="tJiKPgRwWoM" width="200" height="200" desc="Terry Francona attempts to explain why the Red Sox suck." frame="true" position="right"/> Red Sox Nation is a loosely organized group of pedophiles created in the Autumn of 2004 that live in the greater Boston area that enjoy watching terrible baseball. It was once thought (circa 2004-2007) that this organization was larger, even extending out from the Massachusetts area, however, new information has been gathered, shrinking the originally outrageous membership numbers down to a much smaller base of kiddie touchers.

Description

Sharing a dual love of baseball and young boys, Red Sox nation members can be seen in such wonderful places as the Yolo County jail and on the set of the wildly popular television show “To Catch a Predator.” This pack of goons can also be seen in about any bar or tavern in town. Wearing their favorite baseball cap, beer/vomit stained jerseys, and understanding nothing about the actual game they profess to love.

Warning Signs

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There are several symptoms noticeable when you first encounter a member of the Red Sox nation. Aside from the undeniable stench of failure, there are many other abnormalities evident:

• Complaining about how much money other baseball teams spend.
• Wearing a t-shirt that says "Bucky Fucking Dent" even though Bucky Dent hasn't played professional baseball since 1984.
• Sucking up to Kevin Youkilis, who, despite the fact that he has not been proved to be a pedophile, certainly looks like a one.
• Putting forth the theory that a baseball team can be effected by a curse...rather than just playing really bad baseball for the last 86 years.
• Cried during Fever Pitch.
• You are the shortest person in Major League Baseball.
• You have the "Ortiz" jersey on, but you don't know what country he's from.
• Your favorite slogan is "Losing builds character!"
• If you have ever had a "Manny Moment" ever in your life.
• Your favorite movie is Gigli.
• The mere mention of the words "babe" and "Ruth" in a sentence gives you a sickly cold shiver along your spine. a tingle up your leg.
• Your name is Bill Simmons and you work for ESPN.
• Your 2004 starting World Series roster has nobody from your system.
• You are quite skilled at blowing it more than one time.
• You have racist tendencies.
• You PAHKT YAH CAH VERY FAH FROM THE BAH. Translation: "You parked your car very far from the bar."
• Despite being called "the greatest hitter of all time," you only managed to hit .200 in post season play...and even worse in World Season play.
• You can somehow rationalize a 30 year old athlete throwing a 70 year old man to the ground.
• You wear a capital "C" on your jersey, proving that you have confused hockey with baseball.
• Stephen King writes a horror novel about your shitty team.
• You feel the need to re-create "STOMP" in your bullpen with a set of spoons or an empty water bottle.
• You can't stand seeing a CC Sabathia jersey.
• You are as funny as Jimmy Fallon...or a morgue.

The Hobbit Reacts

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Frodo Baggins

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Brett Pedroia's home. He doesn't live there currently, as he is incarcerated for putting a child's penis into his mouth.

Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox second baseman hates his hometown for several reasons. Before the incident where his brother was arrested for sucking an 8-year-old boy's penis, he harbored deep loathing for the small town of Woodland, California if only because they wouldn't bow down and worship his short ass for actually making it in Major League Baseball.

“	It's a dump. You can quote me on that. I don't give a s***. Everyone wants to get out of there. You don't want to stay in Woodland. What do you want to stay in Woodland for? The place sucks. The newspaper there, I don't really get along with. I come from your town. You should embrace me. I play for the Boston Red Sox. You haven't had a lot of major-leaguers come out of your city.	„
—Dustin crying about his hometown's treatment.

Jilted by his hometown and angry that the county put his brother in prison, Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox hobbit second baseman had this to say:

“	So bad news my brother Brett Pedroia is going to jail This sucks. I told Brett to get a better lawyer and not use an Auto Accident lawyer after he was arrested. A car accident lawyer in Woodland California aren't really the best. Here's a Brett Pedroia picture if you want to see him. Prayers be with you. I'll get re-trial with my best Boston lawyer soon.	„
—From the Dustin Blog.

Kevin Youkilis

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	“	THE RED SOX SUCK THIS GUY LIKES IT UP THE BUTT HES A JEW LOLS HITLER HAHAHAHAHAHAH YOU SHOULDNT EVEN BE HERE DAMN JEW YOU SUCK AND SHAKE YOUR ASS FAG	„
	—Kevin Youkilis Sucks Forum.

Kevin Youkilis, who never knows which position he will play for the Red Sox, is a roid-raging monster of a homosexual. Of all the arguments that state that "baseball sucks," Kevin Youkilis is the only one that has a shred of truth. From his ridiculously homo-erotic batting stance, all the way to his beat down by a pitcher who was 100 pounds lighter than him, he is the posterboy for the Red Sox nation.

“	Where do I even begin describing my disgust for this man? He is one classless attention-seeker, who leaps farther than his stubby legs can carry him. And that facial hair... don't even get me started on that dead animal he has on his face. Forget about being beaten with the "ugly stick", Kevin Youkilis was beaten by a forest of ugly trees. He has one of the most stupid and annoying batting stances in the history of baseball. Then, when a pitcher throws at him (probably because he was distracted by the homo-erotic nature of the Youk Stance), he goes out and bitches about it to the media. "Blah blah blah, they have it in for me at every game, blah blah blah, they always throw at me because they hate me, blah blah blah, I'm like Paul O'Neill". You, sir, are NO Paul O'Neill. Let's just clear that up. Do not compare yourself to Paullie, you are not, and will never be, anything like him. How about the next time you charge the mound, you leave your bat behind and put up your fists ya big baby? It's easy to charge the mound armed with a bat, when the pitcher has nothing but his fists and a glove to defend himself. I'm a small woman and I can charge the mound with a baseball bat and feel safe. Furthermore, if you're going to charge the mound, do something other than just TALK a good fight. Either get into a real fight, or don't charge the mound in the first place. To half-ass it like you always do, pretending that you're tough when all you're thinking about is getting home and cuddling with your Wally The Monster toy, is just plain pathetic. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the Yankees' way.	„
—From "Why I hate the Red Sox.

Jonathan Papelbon

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	“	Jonathan Papelbon embodies everything I hate about the Red Sox organization: lack of class, lack of a brain, lack of restraint, and lack of logic.	„
	—BeeBz Effect.

Besides being the largest douchebag in baseball, Papelbon himself and the whole Red Sox Nation believe that he is the greatest closing pitcher ever to grace the vaunted mound of Major League Baseball. Other noted opinions do not share this same view.

“	Papelbon, already branding himself the best closer in baseball, seems to think that he's in the same league as Mariano Rivera. I don't care who you are, if you say that Jonathan Papelbon is equal to Mariano Rivera, you need to get your ass kicked. What an idiot. No one who knows anything about baseball thinks that Paps is equal to Mo. Which explains why Red Sox fans seem to think so. In 2008, Papelbon even had the audacity to say that he should be the All Star Game closer. The All Star Game that was being played in New York, in the House That Babe Built, when the best closer of all time, our Mariano Rivera, was right there. Even Terry Francona knew that Paps was being a moron. After all the talking, saying that he deserves to close and that he's equal to Rivera, Francona puts Papelbon in to pitch in the 8th. Paps gives up a run. Mo gets robbed of a save. We sit and watch for 14 innings. Children, thank Jonathan Papelbon for ruining the All Star Game.	„
—Even when he's trying to be smart, Francona fucks up.

Jason Varitek

Jason Varitek is the catcher and the captain of the Red Sox. He will tell you all about how he is the captain...but he doesn't need to because he wears a very large "C" on his jersey to SHOW you just how cool he is. Besides being about the most snobby move any baseball player has ever made, it is also pretty stupid because a baseball team captain really doesn't do anything. So, in summation, Jason Varitek basically runs around with a large "C" on his jersey to denote his douchebaggery.

Fenway Park

Fenway Park is a very old hunk of shit where the Red Sox play their home games. It is dominated by three physical barriers that make playing there quite a terrible experience:

• The Green Monster - A massive wall in left field.
• The Pesky Pole - A very short porch in right field that is dominated by a large yellow foul pole.
• The Obnoxious Fans - A group of loud retards that make more noise than a pack of howler monkeys on Meth.

How to make Fenway Park a quiet place:

2004 World Series

Now that members of the 2004 Red Sox team has been outed for using steroids, David Ortiz and several other players have had to "play clean." Is it any wonder they suck now?

Quotes

“   As heinous as internet porn and terrorism are they don't come close to Red Sox fans. Fortunately for me the Yankees have just swept the latest three game series. Unfortunately for me I have to spend the weekend in Cape Cod where I will be surrounded by these intolerable people.   „     —Tom Schreck, from his book: "On the Ropes, A Duffy Dombrowski Mystery"     “   Teddy Ballgame batted .200 in his 25 playoff at bats...   „     —Signed: PROUD FOLLOWER OF THE EVIL EMPIRE     “   How pathetic is a team whose ENTIRE identity is based on their hatred of another team. Take the Red Sox out the AL East and they are no different than the Milwaukee Brewers or Cincinnati Reds.   „     —About as pathetic as going 18-1     “   Red Sox Nation? Please...All the bandwagon fans. As recently as 1998, the Red Sox ranked just ninth out of 14 teams in the American League in attendance.   „     —Good Will Hunting likes the Sox too.     “   where exactly did all these nouveau Red Sox fans come from? The Cubbies are lovable losers….and I hear Chicago is a great town. But Boston? The natives?…’enuff said. Watch a Sox game at Fenway on TV. Do you see any black people in the crowd?   „     —Not to mention every seat in Fenway faces the green monster.     “   Logan Airport. Even before the terrorists were taking off from it, it was a fucking joke. Has anyone ever arrived or departed on time from there? It makes Philadelphia's airport seem as if it's run by the Swiss. Not even flying in or around Boston, I've had connections delayed because of some late plane in or out of goddamn Logan.   „     —And the Boston love affair continues     “   Ted Kennedy. Boo-hoo, he died. Boo-hoo, he was such a great senator. Boo-hoo, now give me free government healthcare because this rich fuck died and he wanted you all to have it. Look, without even going into the whole character issue and Teddy's famous foibles, did his death really warrant all that gavel-to-dirt nap media coverage? You'd think he was Michael Jackson or Princess Di or Anna Nicole Smith. Jeez!   „     —This doesn't even explain Dane Cook     “   your right im a sox fan and joined this group just to write on this im from boston and go to school in providence and ive been a sox fan since i could walk and after the 04 WS it seemed like everyone is a sox fan i hate it now i understand when u win this happens but it just sucks i watched my dad for years see the sox lose in the playoffs and now all of a sudden we win people wanna cheer for us fuck them also girls who wear the pink jersey shirts can fuck off 2   „     —From the Red Sox Bandwagon Jumpers Facebook.     “   It isn't journalism if it isn't biased. Just look at NBC and their green bullshit. Bias in the sports world for the red sox is ridiculous. Just look at Peter Gammons every time he's on ESPN and you can tell he would much rather be blowing Pedroia   „     —More from the Facebook     “   It's not his fault. Youk's head is so big that it has its own gravitational field and the ball just veers towards it when thrown in his direction.   „     —Even Met's fans make fun of Youkilis.     “   America hates Red Sox fans because they're classless, juvenile, douchebag idiots who believe in curses and can't name their entire 40-man roster this year, nevermind try to remember last year's 25-man roster. America hates Red Sox fans because they are the biggest media-whores we've ever seen in Major League Baseball. They will take any opportunity to shove their Red Sox down our throats and talk about them like they're God's gift to humanity.   „     —Massholes! LOL.     “   It's fun to rub your success in others' face, but when GLOATING about your success becomes more important to you than your actual success, you're a Red Sox fan.   „     —More.     “   The Red Sox. The main reason I hate the Red Sox is becuase of the balligerent Boston fans that insist on yelling “Go Sohox!” Learn to freakin talk you degenerate bastards. I can only hope that the Red Sox go eighty more years before winning another World Series.   „     —A Few Reasons to Hate Boston. Previous Quote | Next Quote

Gallery

• Ben Affleck likes small children.
  Ben Affleck likes small children.
• Good Will Hunting may be the only member of Red Sox nation to have memorized the Sox bullpen.
  Good Will Hunting may be the only member of Red Sox nation to have memorized the Sox bullpen.
• Big Papi, the cross dressing steroid user.
  Big Papi, the cross dressing steroid user.
• Pedroia's hometown shows some love for the baseball star.
  Pedroia's hometown shows some love for the baseball star.
• ROR me rikey led sox!
  ROR me rikey led sox!
• They named the little retard "Yastrzemski."
  They named the little retard "Yastrzemski."
• 
  Red Sox pitcher Tim Wakefield.
• 
  Average Red Sox Nation Hogbeast

Video

Some dipshit members of Red Sox Nation in the backyard.
Wait until the end for the Kevin Youkilis batting stance.

Just listen to this meatheaded faggot.

Getting his ass kicked by a pitcher.

Just how bad do you have to be to lose to Johann Santana
and the Mets?

Tampa Bay Rays win 2008 ALCS.

Yankees win 2009 ALCS.

A bunch of Yankee fans sing "Sweet Caroline" at Fenway.

Manny, the hypocrite, suggests that everybody who uses steroids
should be banned for one year from baseball.

Josh Beckett getting trolled by a reporter.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE

Previous Video | Next Video

External Links

• Dustin Pedroia Blog
• 12 Reasons to hate the Red Sox Fans Facebook
• Kevin Youkilis Sucks forum.
• Baseball Prospectus accidentally calls Jewish Red Sox player "Youkike"
• The Boston Massacre.
• Jason Varitek Sucks Forum.

See Also

• New York Yankees
• Baseball
• Sport

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Red Sox Nation is part of a series on Psychology