BioShock Infinite

Bioshock Infinite is the third, as well as the most overrated, installment of the BioShock series. As its predecessors it's an on-rails shooter that tries to be System Shock 2 as it incorporates cities located in inconvenient locations (i.e. space, underwater, and the sky), everyone in said city trying to kill you over some rebellion, and superpowers. But where the first two Bioshock games only featured little-to-no escort and a quick plot twist, BioShock Infinite is needlessly just one big escort mission and contains the most pretentious plot in any video game ever.

Plot

Clear and concise

<video type="youtube" id="bJl8K2qpapM" width="200" height="180" position="right" desc="Nothing makes an ending more exciting than walking for half an hour."/> The game takes place in 1912 as you play as a broke alcoholic named Booker hired to get a girl (Elizabeth) from a flying city. Booker soon finds Elizabeth only to realize that she has time-control powers that both sides of Columbia's civil war want. A ten-hour long escort mission later, Booker kills Comstock and some other shit happens but it is all literally pointless because the game does a complete recon killing you before the game starts. And then the game does a complete recon of that by showing Booker alive in a post-credit scene. Confused? you have no fucking idea.

It turns out Comstock is just Booker from another timeline, and even though Booker killed him, there's a million other Comstocks in other universes. And even though Elizabeth just said that killing one person doesn't change anything, she kills Booker. Many gamers have tried to make sense the game's ending. While most people see the game for what it is (being riddled with plot holes) it has not stopped some people from wasting their time by releasing videos, articles and even diagrams trying to explain this mess.

An attempt at explaining the stupid plot of Biocock Infinite

Characters

Some of the more famous inhabitants of the city include Wyatt Mann.

• Booker DeWitt: The protagonist. Arguably the angstyest little bitch in video game history as he can't go one hour without having a flashback. These flashbacks mostly caused by his enormous drinking and gambling, to which he inexplicably resorted after his admirable and proud career of killing Indians and cracking communist skulls.

• Elizabeth: The girl Booker's hired to get. The developers try way too hard to make the player care about her as they make her a time lord, Booker's daughter, and Columbia's heir; but in the end, she's just walking cleavage designed to get virgin gamers to buy the game. This was a huge success despite her actually looking like a bridge dwelling troll from folk novels, but no one looks at her face.

• Zachary Hale Comstock: An old guy that built Columbia to escape the nigger and spic hordes below. Respectable effort in itself, but since time-travel gave him erectile dysfunction, he decided to kill his wife and buy Elizabeth from Booker. One of the fifty million plot twists of this game is that Comstock is Booker.

• Robert and Rosalind Lutece: Without a doubt, the least memorable characters in the game despite them never shutting the fuck up. Two Autistic autophiliacs who are supposedly just alternate versions of each other. They took masturbation one step further and found out what it would be like to plow yourself. Contributing not only to alternate reality science, but to the science of guzzling your own alternative version's cum.

• Songbird: Elizabeth's guardian. A robot pigeon with a creepy pseudo-romance with Elizabeth. Elizabeth drowns him.

Gameplay

Typical BioShock content.

Nothing like a good old sip of piss mixed with vodka to give you special powers to summon some whore ghost to cause people to shoot themselves, or to have the ability to burn the flesh right off your masturbation hand. BioShock Infinite has re-defined the meta in gameplay with these game-breaking new abilities that look exactly like that of any other shit game that came out a few years before. More about the gameplay includes shooting the founding fathers right in the face, and an awful half-assed plotline that makes references to Christianity and patriotism. They tried pulling a Sonic 06, which was arguably one of the worst video games of all time, but failed even against that dingle berry of a game. If you want textures that look like its a photo of the inside of a public toilet, and the subtlety of leading some bitch hoe around for the entire game, then this kind of gameplay is straight up your alley. It should also be noted that the cunt is unkillable, and therefore serves as nothing more than an immortal dispenser with a vagina.

The game itself is a very stripped back version of its predecessors, less plasmids/vigors, less guns, shitty meaningless upgrades and boring as fuck combat. It can only be enjoyed being played on easy otherwise killing the big guys becomes tedious; unsurprisingly though, when put on easy, the rest of the enemies become insultingly simple. But it makes up for it with the way cool graphics and awesome story that is only explained at the very end without any real build up. Also, that fight with Lady Comstock's ghost three times was easily the best part that shits all over Casual Souls.

So therefore, the game is obviously 10/10 GOTYAY even though it was released only a few months into the year. If you even try to say the game isn't deserving of a 10/10, you'll be viewed as a contrarian.

Graphics

The game uses cartoony graphics, and shitloads of bloom and HDR, to mask that it actually looks like shit. With those shitty graphics it actually looks like Tales of Monkey Island. Elizabeth also has a head the size of her upper body, while looking like an 8 year old girl. She is supposed to look 17. And to appeal to the ronery anime NEET crowd, her eyes are twice bigger than any other character's.

Gallery

About missing Pics

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  This one is especially hot if your fetish happens to be incredibly weird dialogue that no real human being would ever say.
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  Autism ahoy!
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  "You're welcome Daddy!"
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  Infinite's story is very original and deep.
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  10/10
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  A poorly-made photoshop to indicate the difference in eye size on the characters.
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  Booker eating from dumpster while Elizabeth is watching in horror.
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  This is where Elizabeth got her training in riding cock.
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  What the fanbois wanted to see.
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  An accurate assessment of Bioshock Infinite

See Also

• Bioshock
• Chrono Trigger
• Inception

BioShock Infinite is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.