Apophis

If it's any consolation to all of you that are going to perish, this actually did win him the science fair prize (really) And the translation "Sie sind falsch" is epic butthurt (really).

NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN

Apophis, destroying a planet near you 2036.

Apophis is a giant lulz-killing asteroid which will pass close to Earth on April 13th, 2029. NASA have estimated its chances of a pan-lethal collision with the planet at about 70%. That means that you are set to die.

Ever heard that one about getting a three year old to check over your plans before you go ahead with anything? Ever heard the phrase "Schoolboy Mistake?". Yeah. That's what caused this, asshole. Fuck you.

We have some really lousy news for you.

Oh Shit

Cut to Germany, holy land of excellent beer, even more excellent sausages and the pwning of Jews, Scientology and Lowtax. 13 year old boy Nico Marquardt (no really, he actually is 13 years old) examined telescopic findings at the University of Potsdam and discovered a worrying discrepancy.

Earth satellites - of which there are about forty thousand - whiz around the planet at a height up to thirty six thousand kilometers. Apophis will pass by the Earth at a height of thirty two and a half thousand kilometers. This gives it about a 70% chance of smacking into one of them.

In the event this happens, it will circle back and propel a two hundred billion tonne ball of steel into the Atlantic, instantly blotting out the sun with dust clouds before propelling killer tsunamis in every direction.

NASA examined his figures, and issued the following statement:

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

IT'S ALL TRUE

In America, we set fire to peanuts for a science fair project. In Germany, they prove Armageddon. We at NASA have advice for all you concerned citizens. Now is the perfect time to panic. This is the end, dumbass.

LOL, DISREGARD THAT

Two days later, N.A.S.A. issued a press conference saying that they never said any of that stuff, that there was no asteroid, just a goa'uld mothership that Stargate SG-1 managed to defeat and GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

On April 16, 2008, NASA News Release 08-103 reaffirmed that its estimation of a 1 in 45,000 chance of impact in 2036 remains VALID. Final conclusion: HOLY FUCK WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE. And nothing of value was lost.

On June 19, 2014, NASA announced that the asteroid qualified for American citizen ship by becoming eating 40 big macs every single day. This sudden weight gain for Apophis increased the chances of it hitting the Earth.

Legacy

Apophis is known for being the cause of your death. You will not survive this because you are not a rich kike. The Jews will be sitting on the ISS and eating popcorn while watching Earth die for the lulz. Sorry bitch.

See also

• Nibiru
• September 23, 2017
• Space
• The Sun

Apophis is part of a series on SCIENCE! [FizzlePop]

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