Valkyrie

By wearing the eye-patch Cruise is one step closer to admitting he is a total ass-pirate.

TOW vandalism

Self-shopped Cruise

Why won't Tom Cruise and Captain Jack Harkness come out of the closet?

Valkyrie is the latest attempt at a comeback film for Tom Cruise. We could go into detail, TL;DR: TOM CRUISE IS GOING TO DRESS UP AS A FUCKING NAZI TO TRY AND GET CRITICS TO LOVE HIM AGAIN!!!! In 2008, when ED's articles were already dangerously close to writing themselves, this came as another bag of sugar tossed drunkenly into the cotton candy machine of lulz like a smiling, happy god with a fatherly grin looking down on Anonymous.

ED Review: Bursting at the seams with Godwin and hilarious accents. 4/5, would troll again.

The Plot

In recent years, Tom Cruise's career has sunken faster than your grandma's tits due to flopped movies like Mission Impossible III and Lions For Lambs, the latter being aired one night before all copies were burnt in a huge pile. In order to remind critics why they loved him (and to respond to those who've mocked him for his batshit crazy behaviour and refusal to come out of the closet), Tom Cruise decided that he'll play a Nazi with a heart of gold.

In a piece of irony which has been completely un-lost on the critics, Cruise plays a member of a sinister, uniformed, militaristic sect which is trying to take over the world. Until, of course, he loses an eye when he falls off a skirting board ladder and lands face first on a door knob, starts bawwwwwing that the Nazis are going to lose the war and they have to kill Hitler to get the Allies to go easy on Germany, once the Holocaust becomes public knowledge.

The Nazi officers in the movie played by Kenneth Brannaugh, Eddie Izzard and Bill Nighy all speak in upper-class English accents, except for Hitler who speaks with a thick German accent and Cruise who speaks in his normal voice. Come on, it's got to be worth seeing just for that.

In real life, Stop-In-Burger was sent to place a spider mine under Hitler's big important-looking war table. The bomb went off while it was under the table and Hitler was leaning over the top of it, and instead of being vaporized he was simply lifted comedically into the air. The end result of the whole conspiracy was that Hitler twisted his ankle when he landed on the ground, which is rather lulzy, as the four unfortunate Nazis standing right next to him got blown into a million pieces.

Von Dangermouse then shat himself, as he was then promptly arrested and tortured and killed off in the most gruesome fashion imaginable to the Nazis.

Actual Fun Fact: While being tortured on a meat hook, one of the July Plot conspirators mentioned Erwin Rommel (part of Hitler's Fab Five) as one of them. Rommel was then pwned by the Gestapo.

Delays

For the millions who have waited for Tom Cruise's latest cinematic masterpiece, they would have noticed that the release has been delayed numerous times. Many reasons have been given, ranging from adding in scenes to make it better and Germans destroying parts of the film to Tom personally looking for a man who farted during a moment of silence. However, this excuse sounds pretty rational:

	“	The release date was moved to avoid competition with WALL-E.	„
	—TOW article

Yes, WALL-E is now the only thing that Tom Cruise would not fuck with. So much so that he delayed his movie by at least 6 months after WALL-E should be out of theaters and on DVD, and let me tell you, when you're up against these celluloid juggernauts, the ones you have to look out for are the ones that aren't even in theaters. But hey, that's typical Hollywood logic for you.

Concerns

In Germany, where Fifty Hitler Posts are extremely serious business and nobody has a sense of humor regarding the thriving cult of greed and power, the decision to allow Valkyrie to be filmed at historical locations in Germany has pleased few. Anti-cult activist Antje Blumenthal is particularly furious that the government have subsidized the film, which he sees as a direct endorsement of Cruise's beliefs.

All this was, of course, small concern to Anonymous, who dutifully began charging their lazers.

Pre-Raid Planning

1. A bunch of Moralfags turn up drunk and Protest. Anonymous forgets what he was there for. Nobody notices, and nothing of value was lost.
2. Cruise, unaware that anything exists outside of his need to prove he's not gay (which he is), doesn't notice the peaceful protesters. Real Anons up the ante to get attention.
3. Bunch of Moralfags get v&.
4. ????
5. PROFIT

Whatever happened, sociologists agreed that the premier of Valkyrie should be a fun day out for the whole family.

SJW's and Valkyrie

Social Justice Warriors were already butt hurt and had plans to boycott the movie before even seeing the first trailor or hearing what the plot was about because a secret law passed by Israel in 1949 and enforced by the Illuminati says that no German person being portrayed in a WW2 movie is allowed to be seen as sympathetic or anything other than a murderer.

Cruise Divides By Zero

When Valkyrie got to Europe, security was tight. In London, Tom's route was diverted when eagle-eyed OSA agents spotted Anons in the crowd. In Amsterdam, six anons were v& under the Dutch Riot Act which allows police to detain anyone without charge for six hours (LOL ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM, EUROFAGS).

In Germany, however, one Anon got through the ranks.

Yes, holy fucking shit, Cruise actually took the mask from the OSA guy, signed it and returned it.

For the next week protestfags collectively prolapsed as they tried to figure out who had been trolled, and whether Cruise touching an EFG mask actually constituted a Time Paradox.

However, some argue that noting what tom signed the mask with is significant, as he drew a peace symbol as his "autograph". Is this a cryptic message to Anon that Cruise wishes to enter a state of detente with Anon? Remote though the idea may be, it still merits consideration, since Cruise knows that a part of his declining fame can be laid directly at the doorstep of Anon and their diligence in refusing to allow him to get away with his cult shilling bullshit.

Valkyrie Theme Tune

The official theme tune.

Quotes

	“	It's bound to be rubbish. Cruise should keep his hands off my father.	„
	—Berthold Maria Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg

	“	Tommy boy used to be good in bed once, but now he has more wrinkles on his balls than my goatse.	„
	—Your mom

	“	There's a whiff of pointlessness hanging over this whole affair.	„
	—Total Film

	“	All the dramatic oomph of a History Channel re-enactment.	„
	—Kansas City Star

	“	Wicked suspenseful (for anybody who didn't pay attention in history class).	„
	—Philidelphia Weekly

	“	What's next, Clint Eastwood as Gandhi?	„
	—Metromix

	“	Not only is Singer’s filmmaking aesthetically frustrating but his juvenile regard of the plot to kill Hitler -- one of 15 documented attempts -- is intellectually insulting.	„
	—New York Press

See Also

• Hitler
• Nazi
• Tom Cruise
• Scientology