Comcast disease

Comcast disease is a term commonly used to describe a debilitating condition, known formally as Goldstein-Feinberg Proletarian ISP customer relay chat sclerosis, which affects the customers of a certain large internet provider in the United States.

Signs and symptoms

The onset of symptoms is usually within 0 minutes to -5 minutes from the time that a Comcast connection is set up at a residence or office. The disease is characterized by constant ping-outs on IRC, intermittent connection failures lasting an hour or more, occasional day-long internet lossage and hallucinations that Comcast is a good ISP, during which one who is affected might exclaim "It's Comcastic!" from hearing the phrase in Comcast's relentless television advertisements.

You are more susceptible to the disease if you rent your modem from Comcast.

Diagnosis

Diagnosis of GFPICRCS can be based on a simple clinical test called 'staying connected to IRC'. A healthy customer's session will look like the following:

01:03 -!- noway [[email protected]] joins #internet-elitists
01:12 <noway> you guys suck shit
01:34 <noway> fuck off, bitches
02:11 <noway> eat shit and die

A Comcast Disease sufferer's session will often look more like the following:

01:03 -!- noway [[email protected]] joins #internet-elitists
01:04 -!- noway_ [[email protected]] joins #internet-elitists
01:04 -!- noway [[email protected]] has quit: Ping timeout
01:05 -!- noway_ is now known as noway
01:05 -!- noway_ [[email protected]] joins #internet-elitists
01:06 -!- noway [[email protected]] has quit: Ping timeout
01:06 -!- noway_ is now known as noway
01:07 -!- noway_ [[email protected]] joins #internet-elitists
01:07 -!- noway [[email protected]] has quit: Ping timeout
01:10 -!- noway_ is now known as noway

A trained professional is required to make an official diagnosis of Comcast Disease. Cake, and grief counseling, are provided after the test.

Causes

Intensive investigation has led to a generally-accepted theory on the origins of GFPICRCS, namely that Comcast is a shitty ISP run by Jews. A more in-depth analysis of the disease, submitted by Nathaniel Goldenblumfeldschwartz to the Journal of IRC Studies, postulates that Comcast's infrastructure has not kept pace with its rapid adoption and constant cap increases, leading to an overburdened network that repeatedly fails.

Witty commercials attempt to shroud the true fucking Comcast customers receive.

Another camp exists on the fringe of IRC studies which posits that Comcast disease is not a function of Comcast's network itself, but rather of the shitty spyware-laden computers that belong to every prole customer too cheap to use a better Internet service. Top scientists have gone to Bermuda to take part in an ongoing study on this previously shunned theory. Cake will be served.

Prognosis

Comcast Disease is not terminal, though it may lead to users offing themselves in frustration.

Treatment

Comcast Disease is treatable by switching to a better ISP, such as TalkTalk or DSLextreme. Another cure is to be butthurt, and whine on F-Comcast.com.

If all else fails, you could document your lulz for the world to see by venting your anger and frustration on some poor sweatshop worker trying to do their job, like this guy:

Related Disorders

It has been postulated that Comcast Disease is related to the Verizon "Walled Garden" Flu, though no peer-reviewed journal articles have yet to make this claim.

The Comcast Challenge

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£€ Comcast disease is a part of a series on Money $¥