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Kelly Clarkson: Difference between revisions

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[[File:FattyClarkson.jpg|thumb|[[Hambeast|Not kosher]].]]


{{internets}}
'''Kelly Clarkson''' is a has-been hack [[Whore|singer/songwriter]] and winner of the first season of [[American Idol]].  She is a talentless cunt and the beneficiary of the [[Cheat|heavily fixed]] and entirely perfunctory pop culture [[Holocaust|furnace]], and so exhibits the entitlement fitting only someone who cured cancer and [[G.R.I.D.S.]] in the same week, all while rolling balls on shrooms and [[Hunter_S._Thompson|adrenochrome]].  
'''Kelly Clarkson''' is an extremely [[fat]] [[bitch]] of a no-talent singer who won in the very first season of ''[[American Idol]]'' [[at least 100 years ago|in 2002]]. She was slightly chubby then, losing a little bit of weight in [[last Thursday|2005-6]] before becoming the fattest woman (and I use that term VERY lightly) in the world.  


[[File:Fatclarkson.jpg|thumb|Kinda fat.]]
=="Discovery"==


==[[lulz|Her Singing Abilities]]==
After working the typical shit jobs aspiring singers do in Hollywood, a young [[Skeezer|upstart]] named Kelly Clarkson finally made it big, scoring a twelve song premiere with accomplished [[Jews|songwriters]] Gerry Goffin, Barry Goldberg, and Michael Blum. Curiously, she [[Flounced|walked out]] in March 2002 without explanation. Three months after [[DELETE_FUCKING_EVERYTHING|terminating her contract]] with the recording studio, she was chosen to participate in the first season of American Idol. This was in direct contravention to the rules of American Idol, which clearly stated [[shit_no_one_cares_about|that no person who has entered into a recording contract is eligible]]. Fox, which made shittons off of the show, said [[Dindu nuffin|no rules were broken]], proving once again they are a pack of lying, money-grubbing Jews.


Clarkson won ''American Idol'' despite the fact that she couldn't sing at all and her ugly teeth and [[over 9000]] rolls of fat made many a viewer [[vomit]] all over their [[TV]]. She ushered in a new era in making it in the music business by leaving it up to [[fucktard|fucktarded]] fans who don't know what good music is. She was manufactured by the Jew-dominated entertainment industry in their sick attempt to convince unsuspecting people what talented music is supposed to be. She made headlines in 2005 when the high note she sang after the bridge in her hit single [[anus|"Behind These Hazel Eyes"]] was so un-fucking-godly grating and irritating, it caused every window on Earth to shatter simultaneously. Another of her hit singles "Because of Jew" was considered so sappy and cringeworthy, it made Barry Manilow and Michael Bolton sound like [[Anal Cunt]]. Her 2009 single "My Life Would Suck without You" was an ode to food. The follow-up "I Do Not Hook Up" made sense because she's so fucking fat, she can't get a date.
==Career==


==Her Weight==
Kelly showed remarkable maturity as an artist as she constantly [[cry_more|threw temper tantrums]] every time she was asked to sing anything remotely salable. Her number one platinum hit “Since U Been Gone” is entirely the result of her [[bisexual]] Jew manager shoving his hand up her syphilitic asshole and working her gaping mouth like a puppet. Should you wish to perform this act yourself, approach a prostitute and ask for the “Jim Henson”, it'll set you back about $150. Clarkson has disputed her crybaby antics, but as her manager is responsible for tens of superstar acts, and Clarkson is responsible for none, as she is full of shit.


As mentioned already, Clarkson holds the distinction of being the [[fat|fattest]] human being on Earth, weighing in at [[over 9000]] pounds. She's a well-known pothead, which explains how she got so fat [munchies]. She is known to eat anything and everything in sight, so if you are ever unlucky enough to go to one of her shows, be sure you sit as far back as possible so you won't risk getting eaten. Her shows are so boring that many fans in the front row end up falling asleep, resting their heads against Clarkson's fat stomach. Many of them get sucked into her belly button never to be seen again.
==Talent==


[[File:Obeseclarkson.jpg|thumb|Man the harpoons!!!]]
[[File:tumbleweed.gif]]


==Current News==
==Theft==


She is working on a fifth album to be released early next year. If we are lucky, she will die of an [[HNNNNNNGGGGG|obesity-related heart attack]] and the project will be scrapped. But on the bright side, she's going to hear her music someday and die of embarrassment.  
In 2007, Kelly decided to do a cover of Beyonce's “Halo” entitled 'Already Gone', but with all the [[Fellatio|work]] she was putting into her new record, she forgot to mention that it was basically a note-for-note ripoff. Naturally, she was mortified at the misunderstanding, and proceeded to throw temper tantrum after temper tantrum to keep the song on the record, without attribution.


[[Category:Music]]
==Twitter==
 
Some [[Slave|lackey]] of Clarkson's has set up a transparently babysat [[twitter]] in her name, with every third tweet [[USI|referring to Clarkson in the third person]], with the other two exposing her for the utterly vacuous and profoundly childish sub-human she is. 
 
<center>{{morphquote|2012quote2|background-color:white;|font-weight:bold;
|{{Embedded tweet|https://twitter.com/kelly_clarkson/status/311189050734301184|username=Kelly Clarkson (Verified account)|@=kelly_clarkson|tweet=I have literally been stuck with 58 needles & did not cry ....yep, I deserve a sucker, sticker, or something from this visit to the doctor!|retweets=385|favorites=516|date=11:57 AM - 11 Mar 2013}}|[[Asking for it]]
 
|{{Embedded tweet|https://twitter.com/kelly_clarkson/status/311179511121190912|username=Kelly Clarkson (Verified account)|@=kelly_clarkson|tweet=I just found out I'm allergic to Golden Rod .....c'mon that has to be fake haha. It's sound like an adult movie, not a weed!|retweets=456|favorites=469|date=11:19 AM - 11 Mar 2013}}|Kelly Clarkson, Amateur Botanist
 
|{{Embedded tweet|https://twitter.com/kelly_clarkson/status/295276086303006720|username=Kelly Clarkson (Verified account)|@=kelly_clarkson|tweet=I just had my first flight lesson! I literally flew a plane!! I was completely terrified at first but now I'm hooked!!|retweets=693|favorites=893|date=1:04 PM - 26 Jan 2013}}|Kelly Clarkson, unwitting pawn of Jewish plot for a sequel to 9/11
}}</center>
 
==See Also==
 
* [[Fat]]
* [[American Idol]]
* [[Kesha]]
 
 
{{Music}}

Latest revision as of 12:47, 26 January 2019

Not kosher.

Kelly Clarkson is a has-been hack singer/songwriter and winner of the first season of American Idol. She is a talentless cunt and the beneficiary of the heavily fixed and entirely perfunctory pop culture furnace, and so exhibits the entitlement fitting only someone who cured cancer and G.R.I.D.S. in the same week, all while rolling balls on shrooms and adrenochrome.

"Discovery"

After working the typical shit jobs aspiring singers do in Hollywood, a young upstart named Kelly Clarkson finally made it big, scoring a twelve song premiere with accomplished songwriters Gerry Goffin, Barry Goldberg, and Michael Blum. Curiously, she walked out in March 2002 without explanation. Three months after terminating her contract with the recording studio, she was chosen to participate in the first season of American Idol. This was in direct contravention to the rules of American Idol, which clearly stated that no person who has entered into a recording contract is eligible. Fox, which made shittons off of the show, said no rules were broken, proving once again they are a pack of lying, money-grubbing Jews.

Career

Kelly showed remarkable maturity as an artist as she constantly threw temper tantrums every time she was asked to sing anything remotely salable. Her number one platinum hit “Since U Been Gone” is entirely the result of her bisexual Jew manager shoving his hand up her syphilitic asshole and working her gaping mouth like a puppet. Should you wish to perform this act yourself, approach a prostitute and ask for the “Jim Henson”, it'll set you back about $150. Clarkson has disputed her crybaby antics, but as her manager is responsible for tens of superstar acts, and Clarkson is responsible for none, as she is full of shit.

Talent

Theft

In 2007, Kelly decided to do a cover of Beyonce's “Halo” entitled 'Already Gone', but with all the work she was putting into her new record, she forgot to mention that it was basically a note-for-note ripoff. Naturally, she was mortified at the misunderstanding, and proceeded to throw temper tantrum after temper tantrum to keep the song on the record, without attribution.

Twitter

Some lackey of Clarkson's has set up a transparently babysat twitter in her name, with every third tweet referring to Clarkson in the third person, with the other two exposing her for the utterly vacuous and profoundly childish sub-human she is.

   
“ 		 


 

„
  		 

—Asking for it

   
“ 		 


 

„
  		 

—Kelly Clarkson, Amateur Botanist

   
“ 		 


 

„
  		 

—Kelly Clarkson, unwitting pawn of Jewish plot for a sequel to 9/11

Previous Quote | Next Quote

See Also


Kelly Clarkson is part of a series on

Music

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