Pillow Angel

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Even it wants to quit IRL.

The Pillow Angel, also known as Ashley X, is a 9 year old girl, but you wouldn't know it by looking at it. Ashley suffers from at least 100 types of retarded, leading to it being permanently a toddler, development-wise, essentially confining it to round-the-clock care forever. Its attention whore parents, much like Mr. and Mrs. Wetmore, decided to give it a hysterectomy and full mastectomy, essentially rendering it asexual. According to their lawyer and their website, its parents decided to have these surgeries to ease Ashley's transition into puberty, and to remove unnecessary weight from Ashley's body, purportedly to make it easier to carry her, but everybody knows that it's really because they're pro-ana. Despite their previous statement, however, its parents later admitted offline that they did it for the lulz.

The Controversy

Ashley X was born in a shithole backwater piece of nigger country. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. X, were fundamentalist Christians, and thusly, as is the case of the sad and disgusting Juliana Wetmore, did not want to humanely do away with their dysfunctional hell-spawn. The only difference between Admiral Ackbar and the Pillow Angel is that one looks like shit and one isn't smarter than shit. As of all people who are fundamentally wrong, you know, as a human, their parents strive to keep them alive as much as possible through the most inhumane acts possible.

Ashley X was born with something called encephalopathy, which means, Hayr Brain Dun't Wurk No Moar. She will forever have the mental capacity of a two month old baby, narrowly beating George Bush by a few IQ points. However, her parents, instead of considering her born dead, thought it'd be cool to keep around the house and score a few emo points for themselves, or failing that, have a constantly pooping piece of kinetic art.

Ashley is NOT a porn star

Despite its suggestive pseudonym of Ashley X, the Pillow Angel is not a porn star...yet. Some popular theories as to why it chose to go by the moniker of Ashley X exist, including:

• Anonymity, however this contradicts the known attention whoring of its parents
• It's a cocktease
• The Pillow Angel is straight edge
• It's hardcore, and will kick fuck your ass up

However, all you Ashley fans out there can breathe a sigh of relief, as Rule 34 should kick in shortly.

Ashley is NOT divine

Pillow Angel? Moar like Pillow Demon, amirite? lol

In another attempt at drama whoring, its parents decided to call it the Pillow Angel, because as it can't walk or talk or wipe its own ass, it spends all fucking day in bed resting on a pillow. Nobody really knows where they got the 'angel' part, but in the picture to the right it sort of looks like its pretending to have wings, and is vaguely reminiscent of something like an angel. Or a bat.

The only thing remotely divine about the Pillow Angel is that it is a reminder that God hates us all, and that only Raptor Jesus can save you from the imminent rape of The Rapture. However, even Raptor Jesus cannot save the sick fucks who conceived this Angel of Satan, and neutered a girl to make it easier for them to keep it at home and not in an assisted-living facility somewhere, lest trained professionals and quality medical care get in the way of their attention whoring.

It could also be argued that its parents did it a favor, so that now it can't breed and have retarded children.

Ashley is NOT a pillow

I mean, holy shit, couldn't they get anything right? Christ.

PROOF that its parents are attention whores

According to its parents' shitty blog:

We find the worldwide attention to Ashley’s story both gratifying and overwhelming. Since we’ve published this web site the night of
January 2nd, the story:

    * Has topped the Health section of Google News for several days – there have been more than 400 articles worldwide
    * Prompted more than 1.6 million hits so far – more than a million in the first 48 hours
    * Generated more than 2,500 private emails – more than 1,500 in the first 48 hours

Hence, they are attention whores.

QED.

Ashley's parents are also pedophiles

When its parents described home life with Ashley, saying that:

As often as we can we give her position changes and back rubs, sweet talk her, move her to social and engaging places, and manage her
entertainment setting (music or TV). In return she inspires abundant love in our hearts, so effortlessly; she is such a blessing in 
our life!

This is a thinly-veiled admission of pedophilia, and is the missing link in the puzzle that is the Pillow Angel. Why would anybody spend $100,000,000 to make sure that their ex-daughter stayed young and nubile? Furthermore, why would they cut off all of its naughty parts? BECAUSE THEY LIKE LITTLE BOYS!

THEY PATROLLING AND TRYING TO CATCH ME RIDIN' DIRTY!

Ashley X: Daughter, Friend,black person?

Ashley X is also a suspected Crip, and has been spotted rolling with (moar like being ROLLED BY since it's about as motile as a prokaryote, amirite?) fellow Crips Snoop Dogg, Christopher Reeve and Tookie Williams. It has also been implicated (but nevar indicted!) as the real shooter of Tupac Shakur.

How YOU can help

There are many things you can do to help out the Pillow Angel, not the least of which is trolling her sick parents (OL or IRL, you can CYOC!) to the point that they want to suicided with bricks. Srsly. If it could talk, I'm sure the Pillow Angel would thank you. Their last known location was "somewhere in Washington", and are described as being white, college-educated, and fucktarded. Or you can just troll the shit out of their MSN space [1].

You can also send it noods for entertainment, but you should first insist that it sends-to-receive, as it will try to rip you off, since it is after all an Angel of Satan, amirite? It would probably get away with it too, because who do you think people would believe: you or the kid in the hugbox?

Law and Order: Pillow Angels Unit

On November 27, 2008, Law and Order featured a storyline involving its own Pillow Angel, showing that NBC a) was trying to cash in on the lulz of this freak of nature, or b) lurks on ED for story ideas. In the episode, the mom and dad wanted to scoop out the spastic nine-year-old bitch's tits and vagina so she wouldn't grow up (i.e. have periods and orgasms they'd have to clean up, I mean come on, she already shits herself and drools). Assistant District Attorney Mike Cutter tried to get them convicted of attempted child abuse for this, but his boss, wily motherfucker Jack McCoy, said NO U and had the case against the parents dismissed.

NEGROID POETRY

I saw a hottie yesterday her name was Ashley X,
and all I could think about was havin' nasty sex.
I can't wait 'til that girl reaches age eighteen,
explore that six-year-old body and keep my slate clean.
Now I hear Democrats sayin' "that ain't right bro,"
but they be missin' out cuz that ass is tight yo.
I wanna yank down her panties and eat that meal,
pedophiles on 12chan be keepin' it real!

MOAR PICS

• 
  Ashley's siblings were born with hideous black rectangle deformities on their faces. Their parents need to stop having kids.
• 
  When pillow angels grow up.
• 
  It's an angel. On a pillow.
• 
  Old meme with a new twist.
• 
  So I herd u leik pillows?
• 
  Ashley goes 8-bit...HOW POSTMODERN!
• 
  Ashley X - ManChild Literal
• 
  Pondering on the questions of life.
• 
  "A precious sisterly hug"
• 
  "Keeping dad's company at his office"
• 
  "Fun with siblings"
• 
  "Enjoying a swim with dad"
• 
  "Getting drenched on a hot summer day"
• 
  "Enjoying a train ride in dad's lap"

See Also

• Juliana Wetmore, the Pillow Angel's BFF and primary partner in lulz.
• Mitchell Rasansky
• Terri Schiavo
• Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
• Lake Angel - another child suffering a horrible, undignified fate and nicknamed an Angel.
• Lizzie Velasquez
• Myah Walker's ZomBaby hopes to grow up to be a pillow angel

External Links

• Current website.
• Ashley's official Internets pillow.
• Want to buy your very own Pillow Angel?
• Jessica Simpson sure does.
• Ashley's MySpace
• Picasa gallery: 2007
• Picasa gallery: along the years