National Public Radio

This article is paid for by taxpayers like you. Thanks, America.

NPR (National Public Radio) is a government welfare program used to keep liberal art, sociology, Art, African American studies, gender studies and humanities college grads off the street corners begging for money and give them the illusion that they are real journalists by having them beg for money over nationally subsidized air waves where the American public can easily tune them out.

NPR logo

CONGRATS ART GRADS, NOW YOU HAVE GOVERNMENT ALTERNATIVE TO THE PRIVATE SECTOR

They are a "non-profit" that makes a profit of $18.9 million out of their total $258 million endowment and pedals government propaganda and liberal fag shilling; proving that tricking and scamming for sympathy while convincing pseudo intellectuals they are making the a difference for a better world is the most effective way to make cash with out the pressure of actually producing anything. NPR also gainfully employs convicted pedophiles such as PAULA POUNDSTONE!

NPR is boring as fuck so naturally people think that only smart people listen to it because why the fuck else would something this shitty exist in every city in America? This however is not entirely true. Smart people who listen to NPR usually only listen to it in the car on their way to work to catch up on news, then go back to being productive and having their own thoughts and opinions. As a result of smart people having a 30 minute habit, the misconception that NPR opinion pieces are also well informed and smart has lead to the rise of Pseudo-intellectual regurgitating whatever they hear on NPR in hopes people will believe the lie they created for themselves.

NPR SNOREgramming

NPR has little to no entertainment or production value in anything they do. They occasionally license the rights to popular podcasts that would exist whether or not NPR did, which is a win win because NPR gets to trick people into thinking they are worthy of your money cause without NPR the freakenomics or car talk podcast wouldn't exist, and the podcasters get to be smug faggots and pretend that their IQ is 20 points higher than it really is. As a result everything NPR produces is boring as fuck, with the exception of Car Talk. A list of shows your tax payers dollars are paying for include:

• The PLEASE GIVE US MONEY HOUR: Tuning in to NPR, you will notice the sound of begging for your sweet hard earned money coming through the speakers. This is because NPR wants you to think they make no money and are always on the verge of non existence. In reality, they have a $258 million endowment and could easily cut costs by firing the dead weight. NPR will also remind you all content on NPR is ad free and supported by the listeners. This message will come after 5 minutes of telling us the Bill and Melinda gates foundation, BP,Bank of America, JP Morgan, Ronald McDonald house, the Dave Thomas foundation, Union Pacific Railroad, Chipotle, etc. paid for the program too. NOPE, DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ADS TO ME!

• Government Propaganda Hour: basically all the news shows on NPR are EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! Morning Edition, On Point, Here and Now, Fresh Air, etc. are all sonic recolors of All Things Considered. This is where NPR reads the official white house press release of a news story, then asks permission from their Liberal media emailing group list what is okay to talk about and how they can talk about it (which makes sense because you wouldn't wanna piss off your #1 cash cow). NPR proudly claims that Morning Edition and All Things Considered are the 2 highest rated radioshows in the country, which is a fact and impressive until you remember that they are government mandated national syndication and available in every city and never have to worry about getting shit canned in specific cities or regions for having no listeners, proving if you fling enough shit at a wall something will stick.

• Planet Money: Somewhere between news and culture, this show lies. The only informative part is where they give the slightly more indepth recap updates of shit that already happened (which you probably already heard durring Government Propaganda Hour). The stories they run are usually fluff pieces, obvious financial advice that you should already know like buy low sell high, pay dem credit cards off before interest, or save your money, or trying to downplay financial catastrophes so the public doesn't panic and pull all their money out of somewhere like apple.

• The PLEASE GIVE US MONEY HOUR 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: NPR is a lot like a crazy homeless person, they beg for money all the time, they lie non stop and they want you to believe the government is out to get them. Despite tax breaks and zero taxable income, selling shit tons of ads at the beginning of EVERY FUCKING SHOW, and having asked for money literally an hour ago, they just wanna let you know that if you do not part with those shekkles ASAP all "non-biased" news as we know it will end and fox news will rule the world. "So be a good goy, give us your money and listen to our opinions... you wouldn't wanna be a backwards racist would you?"

• • CULTURAL LIBERAL FAGGOT CIRCLE JERK HOUR: Every great nation has culture and cultured people living in it. This is why NPR has decided if you are not a liberal tranny loving, faggot guzzling, Gun hating, Black Lives Matter supporting, refugee accepting person; you are uncultured, racist, sexist, and must LOVE fox news because how could anyone possibly have a point of view not as enlightened as theirs. I mean come on, it's The Current Year!!!! Such faggotry includes:

does this look like the face of a sexual predator that would use silly antics and bright colors to gain the trust of children?

That look of defeat when told she was no longer allowed on the set of Seaseme Street.

• • Ask Me Another- A "quiz" show in the same way Wheel of Fortune is a spelling education program. The questions on this show are either so retardedly easy even a retard could guess it, or make no fucking sense are just too smart of questions for anyone on planet earth to understand. The show serves first and foremost as a welfare program for Johnathan Colton, who is a shitty musician that gets way too much credit because he wrote funny songs for Valve over a decade ago. It also employees comedy writers who aren't funny who know someone in the cool kids club that gets them that sweet welfare check to write Pseudo comedic jokes for Pseudo-intellectuals.
  • Wait, Wait don't tell me- Daily show reject Mo Rocca, convicted pedophile Paula POUNDstone, a "grumpy republican" whose name no one can remember, and some people no one cares about have a celebrity guest on this "quiz" show which is a quiz show in the same way trannies were "born the wrong gender", or fox news is a "news channel", or pedophilia is just a "sexual orientation" (right Paula?). Basically same shit as Ask Me Another except its an unfunny "quiz" about the news of the week rather than gay ass history/popculture!
  • Car Talk- This show is the only thing half way decent on NPR. The show is pretty much the same as when your gay uncle and his lover get drunk, tell you shit tons of corny jokes, then give you useful advice on how to fix your car. The Tapper lovers Brothers are lame as fuck, but they are self aware of it and shit on themselves more than anyone else. Car Talk is the only show you will learn anything from on NPR, which means they had to lie to NPR to get it on the air and sell it as a comedy show. They were also able to keep NPR from tacking on any of their unfunny shit writer friends to the project by claiming every joke is about cars so womyns studies and other college rejects need not apply.
  • Third Party Podcasts pretending to be NPR shows- Your local NPR director will choose a handful of shitty lib-fag podcasts and play them in syndication. The best example being This American Life, a show soooo good Showtime picked it up for exactly one season, realized they made a huge mistake, and shit canned it ASAP. The reason this happens is so NPR can give their 'buddies' shit podcast a licensing kickback, and the shitty podcast can brag that they are on NPR so they must be REAL SMART PEOPLE PROGRAMMING and if you don't like their failed shitty podcast it's cause you are too stupid to get it.
  • Shitty Music Hour- You know all those songs on the radio or on a streaming service that people request because it strikes and emotional chord with them that causes them to have a reflective moment to remember what it is like to be human and be excited to be alive? These are all the songs that aren't that. The music depends on your NPR director in your local area, but is usually shitty jazz, classical not good enough to be remembered, operas not good enough to sell tickets, shitty obscure weird shit like church organ music, and what ever you NPR director feels like shitting out. They don't have to worry about anyone liking the music because they don't have to have listeners. This is how NPR trolls their radio listeners.

• The PLEASE GIVE US MONEY HOUR 3: EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE! Oh, did you stick around after an hour of listening to crap music that NO BODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO in hopes that listening to NPR means you are smart and cultured? Well, clearly you must be the smartest person on Earth who is also well cultured because all NPR listeners are enlightened geniuses. I mean it's not like any idiot who live in the USA can tune in to NPR whenever they want. Well have we got a deal for you listener. Today (and only today because NPR won't exist tomorrow if you don't empty out your bank account and give it to us), you can buy an NPR shirt for $100! What a steal! Think of how smart your friends will think you are for wearing this item that shows you paid $100 for a stupid fucking T-shirt! It goes perfect with regurgitating whatever you hear on our shows to your friend in order to sound smart! For an extra $100, well throw in a tote bag that has the NPR logo on it as well. Don't you want your friends to think you are DOUBLE SMART? ORDER NOW!

• Britbong World News when you can't sleep, you filthy American OI R U 'AVIN A GO AT ME M8 I'LL SOCK U IN DA GABBA I SWEAR ON ME MUM. Usually on super fucking late. Has the news that isn't American unless some shooting happens or Obama farts sideways. Also has a segment about how beautiful and full of diversity it is in places you'll either never go or never want to go. They get a giant boner when some new malady comes along because they can fill the dead air that would usually go toward making tea or watching the telly or raging over Arsenal or Man U whatever the fuck British people do.

Target audience

NPR's core audience consists of 3 core demographics:

• Boring Old Fucks this consists of productive members of society who are just trying to get a quick 30 minute rundown of the news and don't wanna put up with the shitty sound quality of AM radio. Also includes people who haven't found a decent news stations yet cause they just moved to a new town and NPR is the only news station they know of. NPR banks on these fucks and tries to guilt them into giving money by telling them if they don't donate to NPR it will never come back.

• Advertisers NPR says they don't have advertisers, but will run 5 minutes of companies that paid for your public programming before every show. Since the majority of the advertisers are liberal "non-profit" funds (that just happen to have the companies name attached to them, and are tax deductible "donations" to those those "non-profit" "charities") they not only get advertising, but get to tell the news what to say/do and write off the advertising expense as a "donation" on their taxes. However, you don't write the check to something that is gonna hurt you, hence why they are always listening in.

90% of NPR listeners

• Pseudo-intellectual NPR's LARGEST GROUP! NPR's brand is "we are so boring that only smart people listen to us". As a result people who are desperate to be thought of as smart listen to NPR religiously in order to learn what opinions to regurgitate in front of others to seem like they know anything that is going on in the world. They often listen to all the shit no one listens to on NPR because they have no taste in culture and are desperate for intelligence to rub off on them no matter how insignificant. These include but are not limited to: College undergrads who will probably drop out, Humanities college grads who circle jerk to the culture sections, College dropouts who think this will compensate for being too stupid to pass college, and Slacktivists.

Trolling Cuntservatives with NPR

Typical Republicunt reaction to NPR's existence

Once triggered, mock them for being weak faggots and watch them become an hero

Conservatives hate NPR because they see it as their tax dollars paying for something that tells them that they are uncultured racists and sexists. In fact, many GOP candidates (such as God's hand-chosen presidential candidate R-Money) have run on promises of cutting government waste such as NPR, so be sure to repeat the following to cause maximum butt hurt.

• Remind them the Koch brothers are one of NPR's largest contributors.
• Call them racist, sexist, and uncultured for not liking the progressive programming.
• Tell them NPR is fair and balanced.
• Remind them NPR doesn't actually get a check from the government, rather they get a tax break for being a non profit, the same as any other. Their fees are paid for by viewers and selling merch.
• Say you weren't in favor of paying for a war you didn't vote for, and the moment you get your refund for that you will gladly cut them a check for the cost of NPR.
• If a Cuntservative begins talking about how we need a strong unified country, ask them how they plan to get a strong unified message across. When they inevitably and predictably invoke the free market, point out how the free market has only caused tribalism with Fox, MSNBC, CNN, and HLN, and that NPR is the only rational answer. When they say free market works over time, ask them how long will it take, then ask if the civil war was solved by the free market or decisive government action.
• Bring up that NPR produced Car Talk. Seriously, even hardcore republicunts like Adam Carolla can't deny that this is a show worth government money. If they don't concede Car Talk is worth the money, accuse them of being gay and hating bitchin' hot rods and American muscle cars.
• Say nothing is more American than a neutral channel of information that informs voters, and ask them why they hate America.
• Be an SJW faggot, no matter what you say at this point you will piss off conservatives as well as everyone else. Then accuse non-conservatives who hate your bullshit of being conservative.
• Say NPR is more accurate than Fox News.
• Say the liberal media is a bullshit conspiracy theory perpetuated by right-wing retards.
• Compare the amount of money NPR recieves in tax breaks to the amount of money the US Military gets with ZERO OVERSIGHT. Then ask if they think there is any waste in the US Military. Relish the sight of their brain melting before your eyes as they wrestle with the cuckservative's ultimate Sophie's choice of criticizing the military or admitting they're wrong.
• Inform them the average NPR listener is is 461% more likely to have a PhD.
• Inform them that NPR users are 20% more likely to have an income over $100,000.
• Remind them that the people who work at NPR are useless to society and that letting them leech off of NPR's well of public contributions keeps them from begging on the street corner, makes them easy to tune out, and is only welfare in the same sense as the arrangement enjoyed by any other nonprofit; furthermore, no one listens to NPR, so in a way these useless libfags are dying alone in obscurity and will probably commit suicide in the end, leading to a net benefit to humanity

Trolling Libtards with NPR

prepare for mass triggering

Stage 1: Soooo Problematic

Stage 2: The Triggering

Stage 3: FULL BLOWN PTSD. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Libfags love NPR. It is everything they could want in a news station and is considered the GOLD STANDARD of the liberal media because they appear "unbiased" while pushing commie propaganda. Not only that, they employ pedos, hate capitalism, push state-sponsored propaganda, take bribes to push ideology, and piss off Fox News. Liberals are used to defending NPR's standard cuntservative attacks, so here is a list of God tier trolling strategies you can use to refill your bottle of liberal tears.

• Say NPR doesn't fact check anything. When asked for an example, bring up how Planet Money ran a story saying Tesla was wrong, Edison was right, and that we should ditch Tesla's power plans. Remind them this is a debate that was solved over 50 years ago.
• Ask if it is acceptable that nepotism is used to shill products like books/documentaries/indie music/software on "news" channels that are not part of the cultural/editorial programming. Remind them that not even Fox news pulls that shit.
• Bring up NPR defending taking away 1st amendment rights when talking about Black Lives Matter.
• Say they are racist for firing Juan Williams .
• If they say firing Juan Williams was justified because he was an Islamophobe, remind them that the only thing he said is he was not comfortable around Muslims in the situation of being on an airplane and even acknowledged it was his problem and not a view others should not hold. Even liberal darling Jon Stewart defended Juan Williams and thought NPR DUN GOOFED. To press further, ask them if they believe people should be fired for having irrational fears that do not affect their job.
• Remind them that NPR (a "non-profit") makes $18.9 million in profit.
• Ask why the ads running at the beginning of every show on NPR should be a tax-deductible write off.
• Ask why tax dollars are paying for child sex criminal Paula Poundstone. Then ask them if they support pedophilia.
• Remind them that Fox News and NPR have the exact same amount of editorial and news content, except Fox pays out of their own pockets for their editorials rather than begging for shekels every three minutes.
• Compare NPR to a dirty hobo lunatic and call them conspiracy theorists for thinking the republicans are trying to kill them.
• If they say the tax breaks aren't government funding, ask them why it's okay for liberal billionaires to dodge taxes through a nonprofit that pushes their political agenda but the Koch brothers are evil assholes for doing the same.
• Ask them what the cultural value of playing shitty music is. When given the "culture isn't always what is popular at the time" speech, ask how any of the music from the classical era is a reflection of what survived for modern culture. If presented with the "it's a historical archive" argument, ask why you should foot the bill for culture that was deemed not worthy of survival over 100 years later and why they choose not to archive unpopular racist artists like Johnny Rebel. If they say "because he is a bigot" say "So should we rewrite history to pretend these issues never existed? Doesn't whitewashing the transgressions of the past enable bigotry?" Then watch them flip shit, because you finally pointed out that they are racist in libfag language they understand.
• Remind them NPR are slaves to their union masters and that the only reason Fresh Air canceled an interview with Mumia Abu-Jamal, a journalist convicted of murdering a Philadelphia Police officer in a controversial trial, is because the police union pressured them into never airing it. Then ask what the point of commercial-free radio is if sponsors still control the programming.

Paula Poundstones "community service"

Poundstone began serving as a foster parent in the 1990s, fostering eight children and eventually adopting two daughters and a son who we are 100% certain she totally hasn't been diddling 24/7.

A fellow progressive liberal comes out in defense of Paula

Sentenced to a cushy government job for diddling kiddies? Pedobear approves!

In October 2001, Poundstone was found guilty of felony child endangerment in connection with driving while intoxicated with children in the car. She was charged with lewd acts upon a child younger than 14 and reached a plea agreement for probation and community service since, as we all know, child molesters never repeat their crimes. Luckily if you are the 1989 winner of the American Comedy Award for "Best Female Stand-Up Comic" YOU TOO CAN GET A PLEA DEAL WORKING COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR A "TOTALLY LEGIT" "NON-PROFIT" such as NPR. In other words, be a funny enough degenerate faggot and you too can get off with a sentence of receiving welfare checks from NPR.

FUN FACT: There are two videos that were going to be posted from YouTube; a video where she breaks someone's cellphone on stage during a comedy special, and a Family Guy skit where she is doing stand up for kids while trying to lure them backstage. These infamous moments with Paula Poundstone are nowhere to be found online anymore. I WONDER WHO COULD HAVE HAD THOSE TAKEN DOWN.

YOU CAN TROLL PAULA BY

•  Tweeting Paula and asking her what her thoughts are on sexually molesting children.
• Hit her up on  FaceBook and post messages on her public wall about child sex crimes.
• Publicly accuse her of abusing DMCA requests to remove anything that may make her look bad in the current year.

Parents, she knows what kids really need.

See Also

• liberal media
• fox news; the boogey man of NPR
• pedophilia
• Pseudo-intellectual

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Featured article February 24 & 25, 2016
Preceded by Bill Schmalfeldt	National Public Radio	Succeeded by Jenny McDermott