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Usva

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Usva is a Finnish Internet celebrity that might be related to the more famous grotesquerie, the great Cthulhu.

Usva's true form.

A Brief Biography

He/she/it was born as Mira in 27.9.1974, but she doesn't want to anyone to know that, for otherwise the image she has built for herself as genderless and ageless devil worshiper by the name of Usva Dragon Samael might be endangered.

Being the ugly and stupid bitch she is, she was of course harassed in school. Usva herself has stated that she was too different and people fear difference. People also fear the thought of getting syphilis and being ass raped by a donkey, so being something people are afraid of is not always a thing to be proud of. She had no friends, because she was ugly and stupid and even her mother hated her, because she was ugly and stupid.

This of course meant that the thing grew twisted. Usva became to think of herself as a man, even though some who practice extreme sports claim that she does indeed have a vagina. She also started her own group of parapsychologists/bullshitters and claimed to have superpowers like telekinesis. Of course no-one joined her cause, for she showers only once every other week.

One of the pictures Usva sent to her prey.

After her failure in New Age religions she tried another approach and labeled herself as a Satanist, a wiccan, and a no-life loser who has problems with distinguishing fantasy from reality. In 1994 she claimed to have met Lucifer, who told to her that she shall bear him a child and that Usva must become his prophet. Ignoring the fact that she is an eternal virgin - in the astral plane as well as in the physical plane - Usva thought that she had given birth to a spiritual entity by the name of Satan's Child 666.

This very spirit possessed a sad, lonely gothic girl nearly ten years after Usva's incident with Lucifer. In the foolish landscape of her mind Usva thought that it gave her permission to harass the young girl. Usva tried to molest her and to get her to cut herself. Cutting in itself is of course a normal thing for 16-year-old girls to do, but being almost raped by someone like Usva is not. After the girl had told Usva to leave her alone, Usva started to send her naked pictures of herself via email.

Stories about Usva's exploits started to spread, for after being abandoned by her "daughter", Usva started to gather followers using the best method for such an activity: the message boards of the Internet. Because most of the people who use message boards dealing with Satanism, black magic and such have little to no brains, some actually went to meet Usva and to hear her whining voice asking them to teach her magic. To this day none of her Internet contacts who have met her have been in further contact with her.

Usva's Goals

  • To become a powerful black magician. She is going to accomplish this by trying to read occult books, but she is in trouble, for most of the books written about the subject are written in English and even though Finnish people have to study English for the minimum of 9 years of their life, Usva probably cannot read this article.
  • To gain a magical companion. Magical companion in Usva's case means a little girl to be molested while wearing plastic horns.
  • Gaining a fortune. Usva has been unemployed for over ten years now, which happens to be the time that has passed from her meeting with Lucifer.
  • Gaining friends and followers. For a creature who regards bathing as secondary to the practice of mumbling mumbo-jumbo in front of a candle, gaining friends has never been easy.


Some of Usva's Atrocities

Usva's version of the traditional corpse paint of Scandinavian black metal singers.
  • Usva usually farts during a game of Ouija, which is usually associated with girls of the age 12 or less.
  • Usva is willing to give evidence of her involvement with desecration of graveyards, for as we all know, true might comes from kicking gravestones down and stealing crosses.
  • In one festival of summer 2005 somebody threw Usva's boot to the railroad and Usva, the powerful magician and the chosen of Lucifer, started to cry.

Some Quotes by Usva

Writing down Usva's quotes is an act of extreme difficulty, for she cannot speak even her native tongue and thus her sentences are almost impossible to be translated to languages foreign to her.

  • "Do people mock me? First you say that you want be me acolyte. Then you say Ima stupid."
  • "Teach more magic."
  • "Soul is transferred to child at age three days. Younger children than three days I could sacrifice."
  • "I worship Eleth the angel of wisdom. I worship Marilyn Manson and Behexen and Enochian Crescent. These good band."
  • "At days I learn computer driver's license. At night I learn magic."

Usva Links

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