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I guess my first attempt at writing an article came out a bit offensive, so I'm going to go write a few drafts out that are a lot more mild and unbiased before returning and retrying this. I'm also going to actually take time to learn the site, rather than being an absolute noob and ignoring the help pages practically thrust in my face to read.
Hopefully, my next attempt actually comes out the way it should, with a fairly calm, sardonic tone that both makes fun of the subject and gives decently accurate facts at the same time.
My apologies to admins and mods alike if I'm EDing wrong, I'm attempting to fix it, even if I'm a bit late.