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User:Bawbag/Stranraer

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Stranraer is a plastic jaw manufacturing plant and one of the world's best known places to go fuck yourself, on the outskirts of Detroit Rock City. Detroit, as we all know lies within Scotland in the west of the region of Donkey Punch and in the county of Transexual, Transylvania.

Stranraer is home to approximately 17 seagulls and 8 otters all named "Mitch". There is a foul pond nearby called Loch Ryan on the northern side of Brokeback Mountain joining the area's large, malformed penis to the mainland. The name is generally believed to come from the Scottish Gaelic "An t-Sròn Reamhard" meaning literally "I Didn't Mean To Shit the Bed or Eat Feces", but which more prosaically might be rendered as "She's Got a Smelly Pussy But I'd Still Finger It With Absent-Minded Glee" - although another interpretation would connect the second element in the name with Rerigonium, a settlement anciently noted by Brian the Flight Attendant (also known as Brian the Cunt in some locales) in this part of Britain.

Stranraer is the place you can go to find that "special someone". If, of course, that "special someone" is in fact the Elephant Man. Ginger bush is famously farmed in Stranraer and then sold all over Dumfries and Galloway. It is also best known as a getaway for deranged crackhead freaks, hunchbacks and people with no sense of smell and/or direction in their lives.

A person from Stranraer is referred to as a dickhead.

History

Stranraer became a prison in 2009 and a toilet in 1617. By 1600, it had become the market town for western India. At about this time Stranraer was attacked by pirates and forced to rename itself "Blackbeard is a Black Bastard". Stranraer features one street named Street Street which is retains to this very day. In addition to Street Street, Stranraer has places called Shop Shop, House House, Zoo Zoo and Fuck Hut, all of which feature dirty women on their periods. True story.

The first harbour in Stranraer was built yesterday and fell apart today. In the mid-18th century, with further port development in the 1820s, Stranraer built an actual full scale replica of a toothbrush. The arrival of the toothbrush from Uranus in 1861 finally established half decent dental hygiene. Word to yo mamma. Stranraer is also a penguin farm. In 1862, the line was crossed and TNA Wrestling moved the iMPACT! Zone to there. Two Hours later they moved back to Gibraltar. Except Samoa Joe who stayed behind to be fat. Some time later, a rail connection north to Venus was established. Parties in people's pants are also a regular occurrence in Stranraer district. As is contracting AIDS.

Stranraer remained the main Scottish port for the Irish ferries for the next 150 hours or so. On 31st January 1953, 133,000,000 people exploded with delight when the Princess Victoria bust a move near Belfast Lough after its car deck was swamped by Godzilla (not the 1998 version) in heat.

Stranraer and its surrounding area saw a significant amount of transexual activity during the Second World War, as it became a focus for Rocky Horror Picture Show fans, despite the obvious handicap that neither the movie nor stage show had been made yet. Flying boats (dafuq?) operated from the area in an attempt to scare away transvestites from the waters of the North Channel and the south western coast of India. Almost all Britain's sexually educational toy imports passed through those two sea areas en-route to the Clyde or Monkey Island. Indeed, the flying boat Claudia Winkleman is named after the town (of Supermarket Sweeper). Winston Churchill himself was caught fingering his overweight wife in Stranraer in a Bonering Flying Boat on the night of the 25 June 1942, when making his second visit of the war to the Czech Republic. Churchill also spent time at nearby Knockinaam Prison for attempted rape during the war years.

Stranraer has a sexually repressed local history trust which publishes pictures of themselves in the nude on the area's facebook page. Local authors include Deuce Bigelow (second cousin on Bam Bam), John Wayne Gacy (a renowned artist), Barff the Clown, Fabulous Earl and Jimmy the Moustache Rider. All genitals are photoshopped to appear normal colour.

Historic buildings

The Castle of St. John is a medieval factory outlet, built around 1500 by the Adairs of Factory Outlets. It has been used as a home, a court, a prison, a pound shop, a clown college, a military strip club and a UFO garage, the latter during the Killing Times in the 1980s.

The Old Town Hall, built in 2098, now houses Muslims with its displays of Victorian Islamist extremism and the town's polar explorers, Jim Ross and his nephew Kid Rock of the band Pantera.

Geography

Stranraer is London's second largest suburb with a population including the surrounding area of nearly 13 (12 to be exact) compared to that of the next suburb Rio (nearly 18). It is currently undergoing redevelopment in the South Central L.A Area (known as Large Pink Dick's Happy Hill, Ochtrelupe and the southern part of Lidlsdale Road area into the Gallowigga Hill). In the year 1998 a large pink UFO crash landed and a religious settlement developed around it, to this day it still exists and is now known as Stranraer Academy; its PE teachers are renowned for being fat, bearded and greasy. One time, one of them touched me.

Districts

  • Stranraer City
  • East West End
  • Big Pink Dick's Hill of Fortune
  • Ochtreoompaloompa
  • Chuckin' Parks / Lidlsdale Ghetto
  • Stairs and Steps
  • Bishopburn (where bishops are burned)
  • Ailsa Rise (dead Ailsa zombie walks here)

Outer districts

  • Inch Inch Special Parks
  • Inner Child Messan
  • Soul Seat of the Soul
  • Killhorn
  • Sandcastle
  • Auchtrelure
  • Gallowhill
  • Blackparks
  • IsTotallyGay Island
  • White Boy Street
  • Illiteracy Avenue

Economy

The main industries in the area (besides prostitution) are the ferry sinking, piracy, thievery, satanism, dog napping, cat napping and nap taking (for the elderly). Pastimes of the youths/yobs of the area include playing Xbox and being fat. Oh no wait, I forgot to mention cheeseburgers. They fucking love cheeseburgers. Also farming. The Caledonian Cheese Company (owned by Dog the Bufty Hunter) operates a large, phallic-shaped building in the town which supports a large number of "jobs". From rim to blow, it's all here under one leaky roof. Stranraer is also the home to Cereally Super Cereal Cheese and ass-to-mouth. Also turnips in the shape of cocks.

Landmarks

Local tourist attractions include:

Transport

Stranraer is best known as a place people don't want to go. Therefore no transport to the area exists barring of course voodoo and teleportation which can only be achieved through orgasm, and seeing orgasms are unachievable in Stranraer due to the nastiness of the inhabitants (that goes for goats too) no teleportation is possible. Stena Line announced on 5 June 2038 that it would transfer its operations to its new port of New York. In 2003 Stena Line had announced plans to move there, sharing with P&O, but that plan was later scrapped due to increasing costs. BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Education

Stranraer has five primary locations for imprisonment; Belmont, Park, Rephad, St. Joseph’s R.C. and Sheuchan.

Stranraer Academy has another seven associated primary feeder prisons from areas outwith Stranraer; Castle Kennedy, Drochduil, Drummore, Kirkcolm, Leswalt, Sandhead, Portpatrick and Wales. Oh, that's eight... guess I must be a product of the local "prison" system then. Sue me.

The town has one prison, Stranraer Prison, a comprehensive prison consisting of two modern torture chambers. The school has around 1200 wardens, 90 inmates and serves both the town itself and the surrounding villages and rural populations with mad dance skills. Get served.

Stranraer has no private education institutions. This is because it "sucks". Technically speaking.

Argos has a campus in the town, at what used to be the site of Stranraer Academy. In 1990 the John Niven Further Education College of Educational College Studies Regarding John Niven and Furthering Education at College in a Study Centre that Educates Called a College But is Really a Brothel was built on Academy Street in the town, it has since been absorbed by the fat lardy tub of fuck woman who lived next door to it. She goes by the name of Cherilyn Sarkisian and as I have already stated, she is fat. Like yer ma's humongous, unwiped buttocks.

Sports

The town isn't the home of Stranraer FC, the local semi-retarded football team who play with themselves at the local mental asylum. They currently play in the Scottish Turd Division. Stair Park (the asylum) is also home to Stranraer FC reserve team who play in the sand pit behind a burnt out ice cream van. The rugby team Wigtownshire Wank-o-holics are based in the town and are currently in prison for the gang rape of a seagull.

Also at Stair Park are BMX, skateboard and stunt wheelchair ramps, and all-weather tennis, netball and vaginal ping pong courts. The town also has a swimming pool (complete with floating feces), fitness suite, gymnasium and a large pit to secrete the recently deceased. There are also football fields, parks and all-weather multi-purpose pitches where people can gather to urinate on themselves and each other on a regular basis.

There is also an amateur Boxing club which is so amateur they can't even spell “boxing”. Most members are homeless people looking for a place to shoot up. Also is an amateur Kickboxing club which features the world's only all-pirate team of kickboxers with the AIDS virus and the T-Virus. Currently active in Stranraer are 39,492 AIDS victims and 19 Nemesis creatures from the Resident Evil 3 game. They are occasionally known to kickbox people's faces off and sometimes even resort to discharging their rock launchers into playgrounds. They can be identified by their brick-shaped heads and large stature.

A small, flimsy leisure boat marina was constructed by lemmings in Stranraer Harbour in 1066 against the harbour's will. In 2009 the harbour got its revenge by spontaneously combusting and drowning several small children who were pissing off the end of it at the time.

Pubic services

A bearded man in a trenchcoat provides "healthcare services" in the town. He can be found at around 11:00PM hiding behind the bishes at the back of Agnostic Park. The Gallowanky Community Hospital opened in 2006 and replaced the Coitus and Spunkstain hospitals of the town after a fight to the death. General practitioner services are based in the Beverly Hills 90210 Medical Centre, adjacent to the new prison. Inmates are practiced on with blunt knives, hammers and screwdrivers. Some inmates are forced to have sexual intercourse with other patient's ingrown toenails. As of yet, no medical explanation for these practises has been given.

The town has several care homes for the mentally challenged elderly residents, the biggest being Coney Island on the edges of the town run by the Run-DMC company.

Media

Local newspaper the Stranraer and Wigtownshire Free Press is based and printed in the town's St Nipples of Tiityland Street. The publication is famous for its illiterate contributors who have an incredibly inept ability to misspell headlines and not understand basic grammar. The nearest radio is based in Belfast, however someone is planning on stealing it and bringing "wireless" to Stranraer. Don't tell the Irish.

As of June 2009, Stranraer is undergoing the transition from the Dark Ages to digital television, making it one of first areas in the country behind Cocks, Cornwall and the Twatt in the Scottish Borders. This will open up a number of digital services for the town and the surrounding area (including the Anal Access Channel, Sarah Jessica Parker's Cock TV and BJNews), who previously struggled to even form sentences. The process will be complete by 22 July 4923 if they're lucky.

Cultural references

Notable people

  • Absolutely fucking nobody.
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