Straight Edge

Hay guys, am I an ~~overrated wrestler~~ chris crocker yet?

some sXe fags thought they'd rebel and take this on 420

	“	I won't do drugs, I don't drink unless my mom has wine and she's like "hey want a sip", and I don't think you should have sex unless your married	„
	—Every "sXe" 15-year-old, ever.

Straight edge (sXe, pron. essex-ee, also written fag) is a Mormon cult for 13 year old boys created by Ian MacKaye (pronounced Make Gay) of the band Minor Threat as a means of rebelling against the concepts of sex, drugs, and rock & roll (because the cool kids, who drink, smoke and have sex, choose not to associate with these fags). In other words, they are to the sea of piss that is punk music what moralfags and mods are to the interwebs. Reeking of butthurt and unwarranted self importance, incapable of separating their whiny, self-absorbed personalities from their music, it was MacKaye's straight edgers who, after a brief period of closet dwelling as punk musicians, eventually came out in order to give birth to the dreaded abomination known as emo ("emotional hardcore"). This is proof that all straight edgers are simply closet emos and will surely end up dying of AIDS.

Acting as young, elitist republicans, Straight-edgers believe that if they do not drink, smoke, think, do drugs, have fun, or have casual sex, they will be granted special powers and buttsecks with semi-divine level-18 dickgirls when Ian MacKaye returns from the dead as an all-powerful zombie monarch. They are also often vegans, vegetarians, and always retarded. Straight-Edgers can all be very proud of the fact that they made a militant "movement" spanning nearly three decades out of a 48-second song written by a man who later decided that a little weed here and there couldn't hurt. Many straight-edgers populate LJ and can be spotted from time to time in indiefucks, when they're not practicing shitty three-chord songs in their garage with the rest of the band, xNutsackx. It is a firm belief of all straight-edgians that to be the biggest badass among the scene they must obtain the perfect trophy girlfriend. If said girl cannot be found, they must indulge in gatherings where members remove their shirts and wrestle.

It is worth noting that 99% of all sXe kids break edge by the time they turn 18, and end up becoming self-loathing alcoholic sluts before they turn 30.

sXe Language, Internet Culture and Netspeak

	“	Oh you're straightedge? I'll drink to that.	„
	—Anonymous

	“	I may be drunk, but you're straight edge. Tomorrow I'll be sober, but you will always be a stupid faggot.	„
	—Anonymous

	“	Ohhhhh, you don't think for yourself; I mean Straight Edge.	„
	—Anonymous

	“	Some people go out and get completely hammered and act like douchebag twats. These cunts do it sober.	„
	—Anonymous

The Xs

In the olden days, if someone had X's around their name (i.e. xfuthmanx for futhman), that would mean they are sXe. However, non-sxe individuals very quickly adopted this as a way to make their name look cool or be able to use an otherwise-taken username.

Nonetheless, it is pretty much common knowledge that the Xs around the names are synonymous with sXe. People often mock sXe usernames by using other letters, such as Y (yfuthmany) or Z (zfuthmanz), or by being cute and ironic (xvodkax or xigetlaidx). However, if you try doing both (yredmeaty) it is unfunny.

sXe kids put Xs on their hands to show they're speshul. Members of this movement claim that in the USA, if a minor goes to a venue serving alcohol, the bouncers would mark their hands with black X's indicating to barstaff that they are not supposed to be served booze. This entire concept is practiced outside of some clubs in the Washington DC metro area. Still, the story is perpetuated because it sounds so fucking hardcore. Even so, marking your hands after you are of drinking age makes you look like a tool. Furthermore, marking your hands in countries other than the USA makes you a tool whether you're of drinking age or not, unless you're in a nightclub in the UK, which routinely stamp punters hands to shown that they have payed. He had marked his hands with Xez while trolling some sXe'rz. His father was a carpenter though and was used to hammering nails in the spots where he'd placed X'ez. This is how the accident happened.

Slang

sXe kids that are committed to being sXe are known as being true. A common sXe battle cry is "true till death", i.e. they will never abandon the sXe ideals. Yeah right, just wait until they turn 21. (19 or 18 in Canada)(18 in Australia)(4 in Mexico) (2 in Russia) (Still as a sperm in Germany)

Street-Cred

Being sXe adds +100 points to your emo street cred. It shows how dedicated you are to your image. Much like vegans or vegetarians, sacrificing something EVERYONE enjoys to be different makes you a more viable candidate to be crowned King Shit, the most hardcore emofuck of all. It is also well known that sXe is also employed by Christians in order to get some street/punk/hardcore/non-Christian cred. But Jesus turned water into wine and not the other way around, so they're fags both in their religion and out.

NetSpeak

Some sXe kids, tend to take on abbreviations and other internet slang IRL, claiming it to be their own. Whether it is while conversing with another sXe mate in FYE, battling about who has bigger gauges at Hot Topic, or even naming their own shitty songs from their own shitty bands internet slang. (Commonly overused, uncreative, and still shitty song titles include: ROFLCOPTER, LOLERZ, PWNZORED, and FTW) None of which did the band members spend hours in a a deep meditative state to come up with, but rather just copying it (which they always seem to have a knack for) from internet forums, other bands, or just World of Warcraft (which they all play and is the sole thing keeping them from breaking edge LOLZ).

The sXe curse

Photo of a straightedge tattoo, taken in the toilet of a gay bar

It is well-known in the sXe scene that if you get a sXe tattoo, you will soon abandon your straightedge ways. Also referred to as 'irony'.

Variations

hXc

Kewl kid speak for hardcore.

Hardcore is an off-shoot of punk rock that encourages anyone stupid enough to listen to it to flail their arms like a fucktarded ape (which is supposed to make the music "more aggressive"), and eventually gave birth to other really terrible kinds of music like emo.

HXC has a prominent Internet presence, as many adherents are underemployed, troubled, social rejects in their teens who want to be a part of something and have plenty of spare time to whine about it.

Typical Hardcore Shows

And another one

mXc

Typical Straight Edge scene kid feeling good about his lifestyle

Spike TV for Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Originally an azn game show from the 80's (entitled "Takeshi's Castle") made of lulz and win, hosted by Takeshi Kitano. Later stolen and pussified by inflicting shit dubbing on the viewer by such hilarious comedians as Mary Scheer, who hasn't worked since the mid-90's. If you need to experience something like this, and are to fucking unsophisticated to immerse yourself in the pure win of Japanese pwning themselves in some of the most embarrassing ways possible, just push some Japanese guy into the mud, then make a penis, anus or vag joke.

Hardline

Apparently, there are some people who think the straight edge movement is way too liberal and further measures must be taken. In addition to not doing any of the totally cool things straight-edgers refuse to do, hardliners won't drink coffee or eat meat products. Additionally, they are are pro-life extremists and think jacking off to pr0n and being gay or bisexual are unnatural; acts of violence against anyone who is gay, has an abortion, and/or touches themselves is encouraged by these people. They do, however, love engaging in a bizarre synthesis of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Taoism, and a bunch of other random shit. Basically, they're either nutbags or Mormons trying to get some scene cred.

No, I'm not making this shit up. Also, ~~here.~~ baleeted

The Painful Truth

sXe kids are sXe so they have an excuse for failing at life, for example the sXe kid will claim he is a virgin not because he's a loser who couldn't score to save his life, but rather that he's somehow beyond such carnal urges. As for drinking, drugs etc., it's because they're too much of a pussy to risk sweet buttsex with Bubba for booze and drugs, so use this lame fascia of restraint and iron will to hide their self loathing and inadequacy.

Straight Edge

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