O'Reilly James Flowers/Fool's Journey

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Fool’s Journey

I think it’s safe to say I’m finally over my ex-partner Jasper. At least, in terms of the relationship.

Any relationship.

For those of you who don’t know the story, I’ll briefly catch you up. I met Jasper in high school when we were 16-going-on-17 (he and I are the same age). We were together on the day we met, and by together, I mean we were telling each other ‘I love you’ at the end of the day, talking all night on the phone, attached at the hip. This went on for two years, during which time he became pretty verbally and physically abusive towards me.

So I did what any intelligent, logical person would do when their physical safety is threatened: I married him, of course (well, handfasted – Pagan marriage). That lasted another two years, during which time the abuse escalated; his thought content became a lot more disturbing, and he made attempts on my life. Eventually, I got tired of living in an environment where I was constantly preparing to die against my will, so I got a filed a police report on him (well, another one) and obtained a restraining order (read: I found someone stubborn enough to put up with my whiny, bitchy bullshit and drag me into the court-house).

After that, I didn’t hear from him again. He turned up every now and then in places where he knew I liked to hang out, but after he was arrested (due to one of my police reports) and spent some time in jail, that seemed to knock him down a notch.

Honestly, up until a few months ago, I considered going back to him. I bitch a lot about my ex, but he had a good side. There is a reason I loved him in the first place. He has a lot of pain in his past. He’s got scars all over his left shoulder from being used as an ash tray. He’s told me some of the worst horror stories I’ve ever heard. His parents were awful people. I wanted to help him move past that. The problem is, I’ve seen him around here and there (always while in my car), and I automatically starting getting that ‘flight-or-fight’ feeling….

I just can’t be with him. Ever. Again. He did way too much damage to my trust. Looking back, I started wondering why I stayed with him so long. He treated me like shit. He tore me down, he hurt me when he was angry, he acted like I meant nothing to him. Why would I stay with that for so long?

I think part of it was that I loved the idea of Jasper more than Jasper. For one, he really was the perfect partner for me. I don’t really like sex and Jasper’s impotent, so that was never an issue. We talked about getting our own place and settling down. We talked about having kids, we both really wanted to do that. I’m a huge family person and I have a very broken family. So I think my longing for that made me blind to everything else. Not entirely. Obviously, I did not go through with having kids with the guy (thank god), but I wanted too. I think I also figured that Jasper was the only person who would ever accept me for me. I’m weird and hard to deal with, and I know that. Jasper was the same way. We could put up with each other because we understood each other.

And for a while there, he really was my best friend. As I stated, Jasper didn’t start out an asshole. When I met him, he was weird, yeah. But he was also friendly and outgoing and warm and funny. Neither of us fit in at school. We were both Pagan, both queer in a Christian-dominated community. For a long time, neither of us really had any friends or social lives to speak of. We just had each other. So when the abuse started, I had no one else to turn too. I just accepted it as the price I would pay for companionship. And after a point, having him out of my life was just unacceptable. He had always been there. He had always been my partner. It was me and him against the world, and that felt right to me.

And I relied on him. More than I should have. Doesn’t help that I was already programmed to accept abuse because of my upbringing. He was my constant. No matter how things in my life got, or how many people stabbed me in the back, there was Jazz. I could always call Jazz, and I knew he would be there. No matter how bad things got between us, I always knew he would come back to me, and I have abandonment issues. I didn’t want to lose that sense of security… yeah, he was an asshole, but he was my asshole.

And he relied on me. There were times when I was his only anchor to reality; he had these elaborate fantasy worlds he’d created in his mind and he would just lose himself to them. I was the only thing that kept him tied to the mundane. I was the only person who consistently dealt with his mental illness for four years. I didn’t judge him, I made him feel comfortable. Without me, he became very lonely and anti-social very quickly. And that stopped me from leaving him, too. I worried so much about the state of mind he would slip into.

The thing is… I would have put up with so much shit from him. I would have dealt with the verbal abuse for the rest of my life if I had too. I would have helped him with all his mental illnesses and I would have accepted all his disturbing behavior… I would have let him live off me for the rest of his life if he had too… if only he had sought help for it. I begged him to go to therapy, multiple times. He’d either refuse and we’d get into an argument… Or he’d agree and then back out at the last minute because he was ‘busy’.

He didn’t want help. He didn’t want to stop hurting me. He didn’t want to get healthy and find happiness and have a life with me. He wanted someone he could control. Someone he could take his rage out on. I enabled him, and that’s all I was doing. He doesn’t need a relationship. He needs help.

And I could never go back to him. Someday, I’ll forgive him. But I’ll never be able to forget what he did to me.

We don’t love each other anymore, and I still can’t say if what we had was ‘love’. We never trusted each other, and relationships are built on trust.

I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship. Being with Jasper was Hell. I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to offend him. Any little thing could set him off, any little quarrel could turn violent. Everything about me was flawed; he never ran out of insults. Obviously, he did not want to be with me that badly. Someone who really wants to be with me isn’t going to treat me like that. They’re going to love me for who I am, instead of always seeing what I am not.

And I want someone who’s actually going to be interested in me, and interested in my life. Jazz was always devoted to his video games or exploring one of his head-worlds. My life held very little interest for him because it was mundane and boring. I often felt like I was just there to be his soundboard. I didn’t feel valued or irreplaceable. Most of all, I didn’t feel loved. If I’m going to dedicate my life to someone, they need to love me….

Lastly, I need someone who’s gonna be loyal and not stab me in the back. I have no problem with polygamous relationships. I have seen them work well for many people. But Jazz’s idea of an open relationship was that he was allowed to go and sleep with other people, but if I did it, it was a big issue. As much as he didn’t like sex, Jazz used it to control me. When I didn’t want it, he was pressing the issue. When I was open to it, he was hooking up with other people online (or saying he was). When I was around, he always treated these people with kindness and respect, while constantly making ‘jokes’ about how stupid and inept I was. I know he got abusive with them when I was gone – I think they were mostly there just to make me jealous. At one point, he brought a girl into our relationships. I barely knew her, and he didn’t have my permission, but suddenly, we were family.

No. If you want to be with me, you’re going to be with me. I can’t do the poly thing. It just doesn’t work for me personally.

God, I can’t believe I let him put me through so much shit. I’ve felt so much better since realizing that I’ve released him. I’ve accepted that it’s over, that I’m not going back. There’s a sense of peace that accompanies releasing the idea of us. I never have to go back to that nightmare again, I’ve finally woken up.

On that note, I probably have more to say on this, but I haven’t slept yet, the sun is up, and I want to catch a nap before I have to head to work. So…… I’m ending this abruptly.