Jmerkey

Jmerkey, whilst brewing another genius addition for PC science all over the world.

Jmerkey or Jeffrey Vernon Merkey (better known as JVM or Jeffro Q Merkustitty to the few people who actually pay attention to him) is a self-diagnosed genius computer programmer and internet lawyer who occasionally moves one of his many internet lawsuits from fantasy to reality.

Jmerkey, Novell Employee

In the 1990s, Jmerkey worked for computer software company Novell, where he diddled around on the internet and during his lunch breaks produced a shabby second-rate file system for the Netware operating system, which he christened the "Netware File System" (NSFW) in one of the many moments of sheer creative brilliance that have come to characterize his career. His bosses (one of whom he later accused of sexually harassing him) fired him anyway, and in retaliation, he wrote an operating system called MANOS that could run both Netware and Windows 2000 applications. However, Novell executives later threatened to destroy his family, so he decided it was better that his vaporous creation would never see the light of day. He killed MANOS and retreated from the world of men.

Jmerkey, Linux Supergenius

Jmerkey later de-lurked to offer the world an act of great generosity and benevolence: he would save the Lunix operating system kernel from evil trade secret and patent infringement lawsuits by shielding it under the invincible aegis of the Cherokee Nation. He also offered to buy the whole of Lunix for $50,000, and once everyone had stopped lulzing, he ran away again.

Jmerkey, Internet Lawyer

In addition to producing fictitious software programs, Jmerkey ran a full law firm out of his research group including a team of multi-talented paralegals, and had filed a series of internet lawsuits intended to protect himself from defamation by others. To date, he has sued:

• A family with the same name that ran a semi-private forum because they made fun of him.
• Members of a Yahoo message board (GONE) who made fun of him.
• The proprietor of a web site whose users made fun of him.
• Bruce Perens, one of the leaders of the Open Source Software movement, who had suggested that people should stop paying attention to him (despite being a programming genius, he mistook a 'killfile' for a "file of people to be killed").

Jmerkey is such an expert lawyer that he settled a lawsuit against his employer by paying $200,000 and promising to pay another $100,000 if he ever made the terms of the settlement public. He accidentally made the settlement public by filing it as an exhibit to another lawsuit he filed against people who he claimed were committing hate crimes by pointing out how stupid he was, and then sued someone who downloaded the publicly available settlement agreement and gave it away to other people.

Jmerkey's lawsuits were laughed out of court about three months after he filed them, which provided scientists with important new clues about the speed of justice.

Jmerkey, Substance Abuser

Jmerkey has a long history of using lots of different kinds of drugs, most notably peyote, a behavior with which he thinks he can get away because he pretends he is an indian. (In fact, Jmerkey alleges that he was adopted into the Native American Church by Darrell Gardner, that group's religious leader, whose blood family thought so well of him that they failed to mention Merkey at all in Gardner's obituary.)

In 2001, Jmerkey offered to "help" victims of the September 11 attacks in New York by "sending enough peyote to trip out half the city". Inexplicably, he posted this offer on the Linux Kernel Mailing List, where he has also hinted at his abuse of toads with hallucinogenic secretions, for which he is now legendary.

Jmerkey, Wikipedian

In 2007 like most internet nut cases, Jmerkey eventually found his way to that hallowed internet institution Wikipedia. Unfortunately for him, spending years on the internet threatening to sue everyone (see Jeffrey V. Merkey v. The Internet et al and many other frivolous Internet lawsuits) makes you enemies, a lot of enemies. So whenever Merkey tried to add garbage to the Mormon articles to get back at those bastards for massacring the Indian tribe he supposedly belongs to, waves of sockpuppets of all his old friends would come out of the woodwork. Let the edit wars begin. Eventually even the admins on TOW grew tired of all the bullshit he stirred up, and everyone got dragged into Internet court [1], oh noes. Merkey promptly lulzed Jimbo Wales' internet judges to death with crazed rants about a gay conspiracy of admins that were out to get him [2] Lol even though Kelly Martin and David Gerard retired a long time ago, given the admin demographic this went over real well.

Everything was going swimmingly (except for the above), until in the middle of an intense e-court session Jmerkey threw a massive tantrum, and threatened to sue all editors, Admins, the Arbitrators, Jimbo Wales, and the Wikimedia Foundation for an insane Internet settlement. This was such bullshit that it even pissed off Fred Bauder. However according to Wikipedia policy, threatening to sue is grounds for an instant ban oops. Jeff was promptly sentenced to 2 Years for Trolling and was ban set.

Unfortunately as part of his final solution Jeff Merkey dragged down some true martyrs with him in flames. Let us pause for a moment to remember the fallen.

Jeff's claims in no particular order

• He mines rhodium in his backyard and smelted it in his kitchen
• He runs the Utah ACLU branch in his basement
• He is worth $350M
• Novell is afraid of him
• He is a war hero
• He has effectively three brains and an IQ of over 200
• He can inspect postings on Yahoo! message boards and tell where people were posting from
• He is going to revolutionize physics
• He is an American Indian, of any flavor. Cherohonkee!
• He isn't a closeted gay man

External links

• Jmerkey ridiculing someone else?
• Pretty much all of these

Jmerkey is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.