Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?

Is Your Son a Computer Hacker? is the name of a eight year old magnificent essay on Adequacy.org. Written by a wonderful human being with many redeeming qualities, the lulzy article is infamous for exposing hackers for who they really are: 13 year old boys who aren't really hackers. However, anyone under the age of 18 knows that it's nothing more than the misinformed musings of a concerned parent. They were, of course, wrong and posted hate mail, proving themselves to be idiots. Also notice how the names are characters from the Brady Bunch.

Eleven signs little Billy is a computer hacker

Child asks to change ISP's.
Child installs programs which aren't AOL or Calculator as all others are Autorun.gen.
Child wants to upgrade his computer.
Child wants to read books without the words Playboy or Bible in the title.
Child wants to waste more than 30 minutes on the computer.
Child plays Quake.
Child swears.
Child installs Lunix.
Child dresses differently from others.
Child sucks at school.
Child is a furry

Quotes

“	I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	[...] If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school. If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

In your internet, corrupting your children.

“	Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to YouTube on the internet without using a telephone.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

If you see this image, your computer is FUCKED.

“	If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

“	If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku" hacker association.	„
—T. Reginald Gibbons,

Responses

	“	~~~WTF!?~~~ j00 5700p1d musca domestica! A 'son' raised by a control freak like you CANNOT be a haxor!!! ~~~ This is the BIGGEST LOAD OF ROTTEN SLUG INTESTINES I HAVE EVER F*ing READ!!! Go castrate yourself!!! You are a lying, self-serving hypocrite that does not deserve any bandwidth!!! Wait, isn't BANDWIDTH a hacker tool?! And you should RESPECT the intellectual BRILLIANCE of a true haxxor, you moron! Oh, and tell your son the EASTER BUNNY IS NOT REAL!!! -Hexxen ~~Haxxor the World ^_^~~ jo 7o 4ll (v)4 1337 \|-\|4xx0rz !!!	„
	—Anonymous Reader, [1]

	“	The author of this article must be a Jew.	„
	—Anonymous Reader, [2]

	“	Ok whatever your name is, you are a moronic piece of shit. I bet your dad raped you as a kid, and dont even bring Jesus into this, him and computer hackers have nothing to do. You attend parties with your kids? Come on you little piece of shit, are you afraid that your shitty mormon kids are going to have sex? Yeah right. And where the hell did you get this "how hackers dress"? Your son is probably just wearing bright clothes to get attention because his self conciouss parents ignore him because he is a "hacker". God, you fucking moron parent.	„
	—Anonymous Reader, [3]