Encyclopedia Dramatica:Article of the Now/January 6, 2026

Nautica Malone

Nautica Thaddeus Furches Malone was a horny black guy who didn't have the spare change for an inner city, Port-A-Potty prostitute and decided that it would be better if he performed a drive-by masturbation at a bikini coffee place obviously named Bikini Beans, in Arizona.

After realizing that he seriously fucked up when the Barista working at the coffee shop Cruely realized that justice would be better served by posting the video that she made of Malone only wearing a hoodie and rubbing the bark off of his tree on the Internets, Malone decided that it would make more sense to be known by his friends, family, neighbors and his children's classmates as that Sick fuck that was caught playing pocket pool in his car and An heroed because the world was rightfully laughing at him. It was 3 days after the video went viral that Nautica Malone chose to part his hair with a .38 in an empty parking lot in Goodyear, Arizone.

The embaressment and shame made him incable of doing what most rational people that felt the itch and had to scratch it in public would do. Most would change their name, move to a new city, in a new country that doesn't have the internet such as a jungle village in the deepest Heart of Africa. France would have made for another good hiding place because those Frogs lack the discipline to not give into their primal urges and will Fuck or take a shit on populated streets as people watch.

Evolutionary biologists like to refer to the French as the White Monkey because of their smaller brains and lack of self-control when compared to superior races like those decended from Germanic people and Scandanavians. Having 90% monkey DNA, because he had to misfortune of being born black, Malone would have fit right in.

Nautica has been nicknamed the Goonlord by his fans and became a martyr to gooners everywhere.

He is goon but not forgotten.

This event which occurred on January 8th, 2025, has been referred to as the "Drive-Thru Goonicide" as it is generally agreed upon by his family and fans that those Bikini Bitches and their perky tits were the ones that drove Malone to suicide when it was decided to Wank Shame him by posting the video of him taming the beast on the internet because he An heroed a mere 3 days later on January 11, 2025.

(( Let's Give A Big Round Of ED Applause For 2025's Golden iPod Winnar ))

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