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CryptoKids
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Warning! The Government wants to turn your children into wiretapping Furries!! |
Taking a page right out of Big Tobacco's handbook, Cryptokids is an insidious U.S. Government-run website designed by the NSA, who are looking to recruit the Youth of America for use in their nefarious schemes (getting in trouble for illegal wiretapping, taking part in ridiculous conspiracy theories, etc) and are using the awesome power of the information superhighway to do it. The NSA was founded sometime in the 1950s by military personnel that were bored during the commercial break on I Love Lucy so we Americans can all rest more easily at night. Unusual for a government program, they appear to understand their target demographic and use a crack squad of furries to lure in internet-addicted aspies. These oddly futuristic characters sport INDIVIDUALITY to better their appeal to the masses of teens deeply researching the hard hitting issues of America in between feeding their Neopets and watching Degrassi.
NSA project initiation
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Meet The Gang
Crypto Cat(TM)
The token Native American of the team, she incorporates elements of Native American culture into her codes and cyphers, making her codes uncrackable. Her codes are safe since we killed off so many of the injuns that she is only 1 of 100 speakers of her native language, god bless Amerika. Her codes are so well done, not even her regular school teachers can break them; then again what can you expect with public school teachers. She has a retarded sister, I guess they had to sneak a token retard in there somewhere without compromising national security.
Decipher Dog (TM)
A true American, his dad is a cop, his stepmom works for the NSA. Sometimes she works away; BUT THEY PULLED TOGETHER AS A FAMILY TO MAKE IT THROUGH. He's also a quarterback on the school's football team; setting up his "team player" ethic. He only eats apple pie and drinks root beer, he also has a rare birthmark shaped like an eagle. A fucking pro at networking, D. Dog set up a wireless network in his house after just a few weeks of research. He loves to use it to spy on network users. With all that said, he undoubtedly has a bright future in the NSA; as an underpaid analyst with no chance at promotion.
Joules
Generic ADD squirrel. Has an annoying taco bell dog who pops out at random and barks on the website, like some kind of furry screamer. Interested in engineering, possibly to show that girls can be engineers too, just to make the furry squad just that little bit more politically correct.
Slate
Math-loving rabbit with five filthy siblings. This is surprising, as he perfectly conforms to rabbit stereotypes about large families and promiscuity. For shame NSA, you tried so hard to make it politically correct then you totally ruin it all by incorporating such blatant negative stereotypes.
T.Top
A turtle with a single mother, so all the little bastard cryptographers born out of wedlock won't feel left out or ignored. Close friends with one "Uncle Mack", whom he spends a creepy amount of time with. Pedo? You decide. Mr. Top is the resident Unix beard and is hearing impaired, lulz. T. Top thinks the internet is totally KEWL BRAH. YOU CAN BET HE TOOK CSIII SO HE CAN PULL OFF GNARLY INTERNET STUNTS AND TOTALLY HACK ALL THE HATERS. DUDICALLY BADICAL!
Rosetta Stone
No furfag team is complete without some kind of fox. This is where Rosetta Stone comes in to play. She is an iPod-wielding, home schooled weeaboo who totally knows martial arts and would kick your ass. Possibly the most blatant appeal to all those fat, replica katana buying, wallscroll loving aspies who populate infect the tubes. Her name is also a totally witty pun, as she's a language analyst.
Sgt. Sam
Our proud American symbol, whose first language is Spanglish. gg NSA, gg. He is the Cryptokids handler and the one responsible for putting three .45 caliber slugs in anyone's skull whom divulges information to Al Qaeda (oops, too violent for kids, how about...) China. Some key information given about Sam is as follows, with interpretation by the 1337 EDiot(s).
"By joining the military, I was able to travel around the world. I started out by attending basic training - also called “boot camp”- where I made many new friends from all over the U.S." EDiot interpretation: join the military, it's fun, we need you because Bush and Rummy fucked the Department of Defense over with Iraq and now those whom would have enlisted are going to have McDonald's pay for their college education instead, and do not even bother to ask if the College Republicans are going to enlist.
"Some studied intelligence analysis, while others studied signals analysis. I was selected to go to foreign language school and learn Chinese." GUESS WHO WE ARE INVADING NEXT AMERICA!
"My first several assignments took me to Hawaii, Korea, and Japan. In the years I was there, I learned a lot about Asian customs and how they are different from ours." EDiot interpretation: they are Godless motherfuckers who actually work hard despite the fact they are cheap labor, they do not put up with our society's bullshit, and think the environment is overrated.
"I loved the exotic foods and the friendly people I met." Translation: I ate dog dick for dinner and did not even notice; I got syphilis from a Thai prostitute who could only say "me so horny, me love you long time!"
"I was assigned to Germany and had several temporary assignments to Saudi Arabia and Qatar where I picked up some Arabic and learned some of the customs." Translation: Arabs customs set by the prophet Muhammad, require towels worn around the head, drive a Mercedes Benz, carry the finest weapons that the Soviet Union had to offer, and follow the Quran word to word; if followed, Allah rewards you with 72 virgins.
"One of my duties at NSA/CSS is to visit local schools and teach Cryptology classes to interested students." And molest them.
"After I talked with them about their code making and breaking skills (and about not passing notes in class), I asked if they would be interested in entering a cryptography competition." As opposed to taking a field trip to Guantanamo Bay and experience life as detainee for an undisclosed period of time.
Subliminal Messaging
Not to be left out, terrorist organization Blackwater jumped into the mix with their own brand of furry influence in k-5 education.
The UrbanAssaultKids (TM) team is in development and has been rumored to consist of the following members:
PrisonRape Parrot - An anthropomorphic parrot, with his own brand of government-contracted anti Islamo-fascist justice. He enjoys sodomizing prisoners with electrodes and hanging out with his KEWL friends! He is also Jewish and bisexual.
Mercenary Mutt - A scruffy dog who excelled in school with his ability to hurt other children. Mercenary Mutt is openly gay and wanted to join the military but got bitch slapped by the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. He can still rumble in jungle and bring white phosphorouspeace to the Middle East while rolling with his Blackwater posse.
Spinny the Squirrel - Spinny met the team when they needed a PR rep to make people think they were heroes, because they totally are! KEWL! As a black person herself, no one can criticize Spinny, because if they do they are a racist, white trash piece of shit. (Redundancy is rampant here)
Bloodmoney Beagle - A jack of all trades and soldier to the highest bidder, Bloodmoney takes diamonds, food, gold teeth, rape, and because Mercenary Mutt is gay, and everyone can hate Muslims and American Express as payment, sry no discover. When he is not knotting nigra lolis in third world villages, you can find Bloodmoney Beagle doing lines of sweet cocaine off the fresh dead of Americas enemies. He is also negroid and HIV+ srly.
Self Murder
What kids need to know about Self Murder, as adopted from the KGB, and "F secret ink".
"Our agent started to open the connecting door, but the lock jammed and before he could enter Sammis escaped through the window. Sammis slipped and fell, striking his head against the lower railing. He was taken to the hospital with a fractured skull and died a few hours later."
"He was operating as an exporter to South America. But a cipher message inscribed in "F" secret ink had developed between the lines."
Other U.S. Government furry ad campaigns
- Ready Kids (Department of Homeland Security)
- Kidd Safety (Consumer Product Safety Commission)
- Smokey The Bear (USDA Forest Service)
- H.I.P. Pocket Change Pals (U.S. Mint)
- FEMA for Kids
Resources
| Featured article December 1, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by LUEshi |
CryptoKids | Succeeded by Dr4g0nK1d |
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CryptoKids is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |