Baby
Babies are noobs at life, and are very tasty to eat. Found attractive by pedophiles, sub-Saharan Africans and women; Babies are completely dependent on their guardians until they are old enough to get married, or back in the kitchen. The defining characteristic of a baby is the tendency to exaggerate its problems. The primary goal of all babies is to kill their parents.
It is part of evolutionary biology for the new and improved generation to replace the weary old and boring one. It has been this way for since the beginning of time. In return, most parents try to find subtle ways to kill their babies. In India, the usual means is to take the fussing baby for a motorcycle ride through the teeming city streets. Babies are so fucking stupid that they will put anything in their mouths that you put near them. This includes boobs, cocks, shit, guns, drugs, Pedobear, and much moar. Babies are so retarded that the only thing more retarded (and funny) is a baby retard.
Babies are the other primitive degenerate form of humans, after niggers. They come from vaginas and are generally considered useless to society while alive, but dead babies show significant promise to developing countries as a source of food and energy, and to normal, not-shit countries as a potent source of lulz and drama.
The United States has been slow to catch on to the potential of dead babies to its economy. Signs of progress are in the wind; in 2003 Planned Parenthood opened its first Bar + Grill.
Babies are formed from pure accident on the part of both parents. Most of them look exactly alike, except for the extremely ugly ones that look like jack-o-lanterns. However, estrogen and Babies-r-Us have conspired to fill women's heads with thoughts of maternity, and their boobs with sexy-killing milk.
In order to get their baby to stop whining and complaining, many parents find placing an infant in front of the television will:
- Make it stop crying.
- Make it look better.
- Get the noisy fucker out of their hair (child protective services).
Babies are well known for sitting around and doing nothing except pooping and expecting you to fix it. They are the ultimate example of sloth. Babies can't eat by themselves because they have really short arms, and when they do eat, it's processed food that stinks. They like to wave their arms around and try to look cute, but don't let that fool you, these babies are vicious critters who will cry for no reason so you can pick them up and they can throw up on your shirt.
The Church of Euthanasia opposes babies on ideological grounds. Response from babies is not expected to be forthcoming, because babies are useless bags of shit.
Pwning a Jew baby gives a 1d20 to immortality throw with a -5 to save. Pwning a black person gives an automatic +5 to crime prevention.
Despite popular myth, babies are in fact ugly.
Babies are also lucky as fuck, and they don't even realize it. This is because all they have to do is BAWWWWW and they get to suck on a nice pair of tits.
Babies for 2 meals of the day
Babies are also considered a delicacy by rappers such as Chip tha Ripper- creator of Interior Crocodile Alligator
Ugly Babies
Despite what many would like to believe, not all babies are cute and cuddly little packages of sunshine and sugar. In fact some are downright elephant man-baby ugly! Often those who have horribly ass-ugly spergs are the first to declare that all babies are cute and likewise the first to blow up in a fit of indignant froth-rage at anyone who points out otherwise.
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step 3: Bring the corners in so they meet. step 4: Twist the corners as tight as they will go. step 5: Wait until baby stops moving. step 6: Remove baby. -
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Baby Black Heart says "have you seen the Dead Babies page on Encyclopedia Dramatica?" -
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That wasn't a nipple, that was a dick! -
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By smart I mean unforgivably ugly. -
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A rare case of 'Big Tongue Syndrome' -
Bizarrely, both parents have very small tongues -
Deformed Infant -
Gallery
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And now that child is psychotic.
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Tremendous, now put it in the oven. -
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Proper parenting -
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Babies are excellent material for loft insulation. -
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Man, now I really wanna bury my face in that! -
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Mothafucka stole ma cheez its! -
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![How to pwn Columbine style [1], using babies.](/images/thumb/f/f4/Statueguy.jpg/81px-Statueguy.jpg)
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Aww isn't it the cutest thing you've seen? -
Even Nazis make tasty babies -
A baby, or Chinese food? -
A typical baby -
A baby after its second tour of duty in Iraq -
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Babies make people go "awwwwwww" -
Smearing your shit all over everything is a sign of intelligence at a young age. -
Non-white babies come out of buttholes, instead of vaginas, and are produced by rape. -
A baby can be easily suffocated, as shown above. -
Capture babies when they are camwhoring. -
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When not in use, babies should be stored as shown. -
Microwaved baby can make cake -
pwnd -
Innovative Babby Produkts -
Gore Babby -
Babies have even learned how to use /b/. -
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QUICK, SOMEBODY GET ME A BABAH! -
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Mmmmmmh. -
If this makes you feel uncomfortable, you have trypophobia and must seek immediate psychiatric attention!! -
They also star in short cultural black and white periodicals. -
Do it up proper! -
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Awww.... So Kawaii!! -
Kim De Gelder will make your baby stop crying. -
War babies are bad for your health -
The mother was a furry. -
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![How to pwn Columbine style [1], using babies.](/File:Statueguy.jpg)
Born Free Baby
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The stuff that babies turn into a revolting slurry of light brown shit comes from these! -
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Naming Babies
Excerpt from Go Buy a Baby Name Book
- "..."Bhushan" means ornament! That's an actually name! What if the family was celebrating Christmas and they were decorating a tree. When the mom says, "Get Bhushan," does that mean get ornaments or that loser emo kid cutting himself in the corner!??!" -- Coloring with Nelson
Teen mothers tend to name their children pretentious or just plain gay names such as Destiny or The Stillness In The Water Of Contempt Knocks At Your Door As You Walk Down The Winding Hallway Of Life. These kids tend to, rightfully, kill their parents when they are older.
If your surname is Johnson, you have a keen sense of humor and you have a boy, by all means call him Robert. Other suggestions for lulz names can be found here: [2]
Now Not to Name Baby
Celebrities and whitetrash alike have a tendency to name their offspring in the most attention grabbing sense. To quote the parents of Hitler Jr:
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U2's Edge and his son Blue Angle #6. -
Michael's Jackson's son Blanket. -
Gwyneth Paltrow's offspring Apple. -
Penn of Penn and Teller's fail of a baby name: Moxie Crimefighter. -
Frank Zappa's Moon Unit. -
A baby named after the EverQuest mascot, Firiona Vie.
If you are considering having a baby and calling it an unusual name, we here at Encyclopedia Dramatica would suggest that you ask yourself a very serious question - Do you really want a baby? Or do you just want to name something?
If it's the latter, have you ever considered buying a dog? They're much cheaper and less hassle than babies with the added advantage that they'll love you forever, as opposed to babies who inevitably won't like you when they grow up.
People who hate babies
- Hugh Jidette
- Biting Beaver
- Childfree
- John McAuley
- South Koreans
People who love babies
Babies on Livejournal
Fun things to mix with babies
- Cats
- Coat hangers
- Depleted Uranium Buttplugs
- Dicks
- Dogs (see below)
- Fire
- Gasoline and oily rags
- Niggas
- Pillows
- Plastic Bags
- Staple Guns
- Your mom
See Also
