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Neon Genesis Evangelion
This show, commonly refered to as Neon Genesis Evangelion, Evangelion, Eva, "Ee-Van-Jelly-Un", "Evangel Lion", or sometimes What the fuck did I just watch? is about a azn emo kid named Shinji Ikari who is under the care of Misato Katsuragi, an alcoholic pedophile. Along the way, he meets an emotionless loli named Rei and a Nazi loli named Asuka. These two have become legendary fap interests for virgin otaku the world over.
The Deep, Sophisticated and Intricate Plot
The Actual Plot (if there is one...)
Constant themes deal with him subconsciously wanting to fuck the shit out of his dead mom, his problems having a vital life-affirming relationship with his father who is too busy fucking the underage clone of Shinji's dead mom to notice him, and his having to pilot an alien/robot life form (that's secretly his dead mom in disguise) in order to attempt to defeat nearly invincible, huge alien life forms (who are actually biblical angels that represent one of the paths humans could have taken if they had eaten from the tree of life instead of the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden) who are hellbent on awakening the final angel Lilith (who is Adam's slut on the side) so she can turn the planet's inhabitants into a huge ball of cherry Kool-Aid for no readily apparent reason. WTF?
In Japanese, "Shinji" means "whiny Oedipus-complex bitch boy". Also the word "plot" doesn't mean anything in Japanese and hence this show defined American film and anime for the next generation by showing how easy it is to get a fanboy to part with their money when you have convinced the viewer that they are watching something deep by looking like a bad acid trip and properly pacing the sex and explosions. It's no surprise that Michael Bae claims to be a fan.
The highlight of Shinji's career as a pilot was fapping to an unconscious Nazi loli NOT LOLI YOU FAILED ABORTION (which actually does happen during the first 10 minutes of the second film). Later, while still unconscious, Earth's defenses send her out to fight the giant alien whatevers and she gets eaten alive because Shinji was too busy curling up in a corner and BAWWWing. The show is also about a penguin who lives in a refrigerator and a blue haired dick named Rei Ayanami, who is a clone of his dead mom. Kinda like Star Wars really, except everything that goes unexplained just turns up to be Shinji's mom.
Evangelion is notable for having over 9,000 final episodes, not to mention the 2 new movies recently released with alternate, alternating endings after the three movies already released. The show was created by some 1337 azn who was put into a mental hospital because he would slam the door on his dick. Every fangirl and fanboy just hate him because of the shit endings he keeps on throwing at them like a monkey would throw scat in a zoo. One day, last Thursday, he heard the doctors talking about Latin/Greek medical terms and freudspeak. The bat shit insane director thought it was "deep" and "philosophical" so he added some shallow references to Jesus and Gnosticism and he came up with this shit. He is also responsible for crucifying the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. See Xenoshit if you would like the copied yet makes more sense version of this non-sequential bullshit.
By the end of the series, Shinji is so emo that he single-handedly causes his clonemom Rei to rape the world, causing every person on it to turn into orange tang. Good going. Also the movie End of Evangelion should be noted for having the biggest pair of tits that you will ever find anywhere. It should also be noted that in the last episode, we find out that Shinji's dad is, in fact, Shinji's mom. Go figure. Cheer up, emo Shinji.
The Characters
- Shinji Ikari: The Third Child. A useless emo loser who's only still alive because his EVA goes apeshit whenever he's in danger. When he isn't whining, navel-gazing or listening to Linkin Park, he can be found masturbating to comatose girls. At the end of the series, his psychological issues lead him to Holocaust humanity, making him lead candidate for world's biggest fuck up since Chris-chan. After causing the orange Kool-Aid apocalypse in the End of Evangelion that was Third Impact, he decided to go for rounds 2 and 3 in the remakes. So much tragedy could have been avoided if he'd just gotten therapy. He may or may not be bisexual, but he's definitely a bottom.
- Asuka Langley Soryu: The Second Child, from Germany. A typical fourteen-year-old girl who uses an arrogant, abrasive façade to hide the scared child she is inside. Why is she so miserable? Well, her mother went batshit insane thanks to losing part of her soul, and later entered a suicide pact with a doll. Asuka is an insufferable, intolerable spoiled Feminist attention whore who thinks she is the most important thing in the entire universe and that all men especially Shinji should deserve a personal kick by her in the nuts. She always subjects Shinji to Domestic Abuse but gets away with it because Shinji is so much of a pathetic incompetent wuss that he won't do what any self-respecting conservative man like Gendo will do and just fuck her brains out and tell her to make a sandwich, which is the exact same thing that would actually make her fall in love with him like she did with Kaji. Asuka even has moments of seducing Shinji like sleeping in his room with her panties on. After this enlightening fact, do we really need to explain why Gendo Ikari, Shinji's father has no respect for him? Asuka hates Rei for the same reasons ugly Feminists hate models and people more beautiful than themselves.
- Rei Ayanami aka Lilith: The First Child. The soul of Humanity's creator crucified underneath NERV's Central Dogma, forcibly put into a clone made out of Yui Ikari's genetic material. Gendo intends to use her to start his own Third Impact so that he can fuck his dead wife again. She is extremely ultra-submissive, endlessly self-sacrificial, likes to sit in corners rocking back and forth while mumbling philosophy bullshit, and when she's not getting ready for her role in the event, she stares at walls. Somehow, in the end, she becomes God, thus the religious worship of countless weeaboos of her as they buy millions of her merchandise to sacrifap to her. Because she's one of many clones, she doesn't give a shit about her life. Her first clone famously died when Dr. Naoko Akagi taught her how to play choke a bitch when the 10 year old Rei clone bragged to Dr. Akagi that Gendo Ikari would rather fuck her because she was young and tight and didn't have a snatch that could fit an NFL helmet up inside. Rei's only hobbies in life are either philosophy or getting raped by Gendo in the ass.
- Misato Katsuragi: NERV's operations director. An alcoholic who hates the Angels because of her daddy issues. She's a goofy party animal who somehow ends up being a competent tactical genius. Fanboys chalk this up to character complexity (that or mental illness), but these inconsistencies seem more likely to be caused by bad writing. She may or may not be a pedophile who wants to bonk Shinji, get into a three-way with Shinji and Asuka or play with herself while she watches Asuka and Shinja screw like bunnies in the spring.
A pretty interesting fact about this character is that Hideaki Anno the creater has admitted to being a fan of Sailor Moon and always wondered what Usagi would be like as an adult. His answer is Misato who takes her work seriously but quickly turns back into a child when the work day is over. You can see the Usagi character in how Misato is always stealing Asuka's stuff like shampoo and food the same way Usagi (Sailor Moon) is always stealing comic books and snacks from Rei (Sailor Mars). I guess this is an alternate world where Usagi was able to grow up with a positive self image and see herself as something more than just a welcome mat for boys. She also likes to seduce weeaboos every end of an episode with "lots and lots of fanservice". - Gendo Ikari: Commander of NERV and a member of a global occultist organization that rules the world, called SEELE (insert Rothschild reference here). He closed his heart off and sent his son off to live with a teacher after his wife died. At some point, he grew an ugly neckbeard. Now he has a rather disturbing relationship with Rei, his wife's clone. Being the Jew that he is, he manipulates absolutely everybody as part of a confusing scheme where he subverts his fellow Jews on SEELE while at the same time trying to start a Third Impact of his ownto become God. Why? Because he wanted to reunite with his dead wife. Couldn't give two fucks about his pussy son and puts him in a robot with his dead mother in it against his own will. Bitch Smacked Shinji and declared him dead After ripping a sleeve off his shirt when he saw the video of Shinji just laying there in bed doing nothing with a Half-naked fire crotch laying next to him, begging for it, and the video of Shinji willingly taking it in the ass and calling Kaworu Nagisa daddy.
- Kaworu Nagisa aka Tabris: The Fifth Child and Seventeenth Angel. He was sent by SEELE to replace Asuka after she went full Terri Schaivo. His purpose was to end the world, but fell in love with Shinji. Eventually, the urge to merge with Adam became too strong, so he ran into the basement. He found Lilith there instead, and not wanting to merge with her because she was an icky girl and his real goal was to troll the Bible by rewriting Genesis with Adam and Steve he convinced Shinji to crush him because he couldn't self-terminate.
- Toji Suzuhara: The Fourth Child. Shinji accidentally put his sister in the hospital. Because of this, Toji punched him on his first day of school, only to later befriend him. To get his sister into a better hospital (apparently, Second Impact fucked up the Japanese healthcare system), he agreed to become the pilot of Unit-03. Little did he know that it was infected by the T-Virus, so Gendo forced Shinji to tear the Evangelion apart, crippling Toji in the process. Then he got turned into tang at the end of the series, which was probably a mercy, when you think about it.
- Dr. Ritsuko Akagi: Chain-smoking filler character that serve's as the Fat, autistic IT guy that no one really wants to deal with them because of the holier than thou attitude that comes with them. Only shows up when there is a problem with the computers or a Rei clone needs killed. Friend of Misato Katsuragi and one of Gendo Ikari's fuck toys.
- SEELE: A cultist organization of old men with big noses who hide behind monoliths ripped off 2001: A Space Odyssey, worships an alien WTF-eldritch-horror god called Adam, controls the entire world and is responsible for Adam's resurrection, Second Impact, the Angels and every single disaster in the series. All the Evangelions and world catastrophes are part of their grand plan, the Human Instrumentality Project, a forced evolution where all humans will lose their individuality and become unified into a collective God.
Horrible Spinoffs
Since the targeted audience of angsty teenage males was reached by the show, spin offs of the series were produced in game and manga form and sold for high prices. In one of the games though, Shinji stops being a pussy and gets laid. Too bad his first time is with the gay character. So in a sense, you COULD say Shinji IS being the pussy, since Kaworu most likely was the Butch in this relationship, giving him total pwnership of Shinji's mangina.
Dealing with Evangelion fantards
Evangelion is extremely popular with useless nerds who think that throwing random Christ imagery and flashing random Japanese text on the screen in a cartoon about giant robots is deep and meaningful and who think that it is perfectly acceptable for a director to get 50 hours of screentime and still not be able to tell a story. The best way to troll Evangelion fans is to refuse to see the movie. This makes them butthurt. Not to mention that Evangelion is an uncreative rip-off of Ultraman, just with more colors and misconstrued teen angst.
Rebuild: The Return of the Emos
OMG, It's Back?!! You thought that the raving fantards had finally dropped the show after 12 years. You thought /a/ was finally done discussing how "DEEP" Evangelion was. You were wrong! Apparently, Hideaki Anno has decided to bless us with another installment of mind-raping mecha anime staring emo traps and this time, it's gonna be in the form of 4 feature-length movies. The series is called "Evangelion: Rebuild" and it's an attempt by Hideaki Anno to milk this battered and bleeding cow for all it's worth. So far, the first and second movies have come to America on DVD, with the third installment finaly released after three years of doing jack shit. The second movie introduces a new Mary Sue character named "Mari" that is fond of sniffing random crotches to see if they smell like the dirty bong water that makes up the joy juice filling the Eva's entry plug and alters the original plot near the end. This has caused many oldfags to RAGE, but some normal people hope this means the finale won't be a total mind-fuck this time.
Anno seems to have realised that nobody wants to see a show about emo faggots constantly bitching and has instead turned it into a series about people in robots who get shit done. Hawt jailbait, too. Can't forget that, can we?
Unfortunately the third installment has thrown all previous improvements out of the window. Everyone is weird and depressed again. Shinjii has also become the dumbest character in the entire mini-series. He is so fucking stupid that he actually unleashes armageddon TWICE in three movies so far. Holy shit.
Of course, some oldfags are suggesting that the whole thing is just a continuation of the batshit fucking insane finale of the original series, set in some kind of alternate dimension. If that is the case, prepare to have your virgin minds surprise sex'd once more by the gigantic, throbbing, radioactive cock of Japan itself.
Congratulations Shinji
EVANGELION 4.0
Shinjii kills himself, stopping the man-made cycle of reset. Letting god recreate earth with its regular cycle. Everyone dies and the show ends. Or Shinjii mans up (yea right) and fucking massacres angels left and right, Asuka finally sees him for what she's always wanted and shows Shinji love which is all he's ever wanted... OR ... the director fucks us again, just wait and see in 2016 (?). Nope, it's being released in 2020.
No Rei Is This Cool
The creator of this insane mess wrote the character of Rei to be as disturbing as fuck. What with being a brainwashed semi-robotic loli who is normally seen badly injured and in bandages. Even he was creeped out when instead fanboys decided that an underage child abuse survivor with the personality of a pot plant would make the hottest waifu ever and bought millions of body pillows for trillions and trillions of Jew Gold.
YouTube Gallery
Previous Video | Next Video |
Evangelion Photo Gallery
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Damn it, Shinji! -
TEH REI! 4chan's favourite waifu. -
Misato likes 'em young. -
Yes it does. It sooo does.
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You're boning your mom in the wrong hole Shinji. -
Special sexual techniques for fans to emulate. -
The truth. -
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Rape. -
Rei models official NERV underwear. -
Orgy action. -
Oh my boobs are so big, and round. -
Asuka begs the viewer to ravish her. -
Oh my rule 34. -
Lol what? (in the background dipshit) -
Enough rule 34 yet? -
Never!!1 -
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Angel Attack. -
DO IT FAGOT! -
Only on eBay. -
Service! Service! -
Only furries watch Evangelion. -
Huge hips are huge. -
SHINJI'S MOM -
HAS GOT IT -
GOIN -
ON -
Congratulations, Shinji. -
Congratulations, Shinji.
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ehh..disturbing... -
This game's level structure is supposed to resemble The Divine Comedy. The intellectual hoodlums of Evanfailrerun would love it. -
Asuka was Victim-001 of Rule 63 -
The eponymous redesign of the Evangel-Lion -
Strike a pose faggot. -
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See also
- Anime - More kiwi shit.
- D.Gray-Man
- King of Braves GaoGaiGar - LOL ASUKA GOT RULE 63'D.
- Gendo Pose - The only good thing to come out of that series, except maybe for the final credits, signaling that it was over
- Gurren Lagann - Pure, nonsensical, nonsense ... with dildos.
- Permaloli A fantasy nerds have where they can have a little girl that never ages
- Trigun - Another overhyped piece of shit.
- Super Robot Wars - Anno himself got on his knees and sucked a ton of cock to get this shit into this game series.
- Kill la Kill- Evangelion meets Dragon Ball Z & Panty Stalkings.
- Carl Macek The guy who popularized the giant robot genre of Anime in America.
- Michael Bay Makes fanboys cry because he has stated interest in wanting to make a live action version of both Evangelion and Robotech.
External links
It's real lol.Fake
[1] A Shitty Rant. from 29-year old animefag "Penguintruth" from the AnimeNewsNetwork. Who Proudly Proclaims towards the Sane-people "No, You Do Not Have More Balls Than Shinji Ikari"
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Neon Genesis Evangelion is part of a series on Visit the Memes Portal for complete coverage. |
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Neon Genesis Evangelion is part of a series on Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage. |