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Legend of Zelda

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT Majora's Mask is the best game in the entire series and nothing else has beaten it's superiority!!!!1
Not a problem, princess!
FACT: Link hates Jews.
Link is an asshole.

Legend of Zelda is a video game by Nintendo in which you play as a gay elf, usually prepubescent, dressed up in tight green underwear. Considered a masterpiece, this series has spawned an endless stream of unnecessary sequels, as well as an endless stream of old memes.

Characters

Link likes to fist his fans before each battle.


  • Zelda - Princess of Hyrule and the dumb cow Link has to rescue all the time. He should get a new job because all she does is cockblock him. The series is named after her despite the fact all she does is get her ass kidnapped every game she's in, usually by Ganondorf, not to mention that she is always the character that makes the least number of appearances. The Legend of Plot Device would be more accurate. Attempting to make her look like a strong, independent princess is usually a big waste of time on the creators' part: in Ocarina of Time and SSBB she can apparently turn into a man named Sheik, but this never helps Link and she gets pwned and abducted anyway. In The Minish Cap, she possesses the light force--a shitload of magic--but gets turned to stone anyway. Holds the Triforce of Wisdom, meaning all she does is speak in poetic riddles instead of getting to the damn point. She is decent fapping material ONLY in "Twilight Princess" for Nintendo's recent graphics update: To enjoy her otherwise, you need to have a weird fetish or be a pedo.


  • Ganondorf aka Ganon - A Gerudo desert sorcerer slash pig monster and antagonist of most of the games. In Ocarina of Time, he was as tall as Sephiroth with a Jew nose; in Twilight Princess they made him a fat bastard. Has a cult following of killer Arab lesbians to help him steal shit. Due to this his orientation remains ambiguous due to the fact it's common knowledge that any guy with an army of lesbians would be more interested in making them make out than steal shit. Holds the Triforce of Power, which isn't saying much considering battles against him are horribly easy.


I feel a slight Tingle in my gaydar.
...
  • Impa - Tits. Fat momma titties. She's Zelda's babysitter. Huge ass tits.


  • Malon - Although only seen for all of ten fucking minutes of gameplay, people believe that this is Link's bitch forever, due to the fact she called him a fairy boy the first time they met. Seriously, that's all the proof they can muster. One faggot nickname. Appears as a redhead who goes emo in OOT due to the fact her old boss became an hero and she's sick of her new boss violating her when she goes to sleep, and begs you to save her from the awful Luigi ripoff. You do so, which is another thing fangirls of this pairing often bring up (although let's be honest-90% of us did it so we can have our fucking horse back. The other 10% were hoping that she would then show Link her tits.)
  • Dark Link - He is the same fucking thing as Link, except evil. In one game, Link has a nightmare that HE is Dark Link, and that he wants to rape HIMSELF! Gets slashed with Link by fangirls naturally.
O rly?
  • Kaepora Gaebora - He is an owl who will never STFU. The developers obviously saw the lulzy potential in this, because after 4 years-worth of dialogue, the bird finally asks you if you understood everything. Naturally, by the time you get to this part, you aren't even paying attention to the fucking game and just mash the A button to skip it all. Well, it just so happens that the developers put "No" where "Yes" normally is, thus causing the owl to repeat his bullshit ALL OVER AGAIN. He also adds "HOO HOOT!" onto the end of everything he says.
Vaati is a bad enough dude to have wings on his penis.
  • Vaati - He is the pussy bad guy of the Four Swords and Minish Cap games that looks like a bat. He used to be a midget, but now he is a bat. Oh, and he's also a one-eyed monster.
  • Majora's Mask - Was used by a tribe in ancient hexing rituals. Manipulates some brat hoping to cast ZA WARUDO on Termina by summoning a giant pissed-off moon to fall on it and kill everybody, and also fucks a lot of shit up for Link to fix. Would probably be considered a better boss than Ganondorf if the game didn't allow the player the option to make the final Boss Battle a complete joke by literally allowing the player to god-mod. Turns into a tentacle monster and attempts to rape Link while throwing one-eyed exploding spinning tops of death at him in the final battle after fireballs and running around like a chicken prove ineffective. Also, Majora is a female mask... It has three forms (personalities) where one shoots you with lasers from its eyes, another loves to dance, and the last one will whip you to death. It uses other people for what it wants, when you hit it, it screams like a girl, and if you piss it off, it will destroy you in the scariest fucking way ever. Also you have to go through it's friends just to get to Majora.
Legend of Zelda is also sauce of meme phrases
  • Old Man - He is an Engrish-speaking genius who saves Link's ass all the time by giving him cool shit and advice, like "DODGONO DISLIKES SMOKE" or "THERE ARE SECRETS WHERE FAIRIES DON'T LIVE." If you piss him off, he will shoot fireballs at you and pwn you.


  • MidnaSPOILERS MIDNA IS THE TWILIGHT PRINCESS OMFG!!!! Dumb nigger bitch that straddles onto Wolf Link and grabs shit with her hand-like hair. Uses Portals and magic to fuck herself and Link at the same time. Wears a helmet everywhere and constantly bitches about some "save the world" bullshit (obviously to instigate drama). Also turns into a tentacle monster at the end of the game and rapes Ganon. Is a favorite among lolis and furries alike. Turns into a blue-skinned, marginally hotter Zelda (despite having a really fucked up hood and haircut) at the very last 30 seconds of the game, allowing for some decent fapping material, and people always raging about how "OMG SHE AND LINK DESERVE EACH OTHER!!1". She goes back to the twilight realm to fuck all of her new nigger slaves/minions, thus removing the only chance Link ever got at getting pussy. Hardcore fans think she'll make a return, which is lulz-y.


The Happy Mask Fetishist Salesman, better known as Shigeru Miyamoto


  • Linebeck - A greedy pedophile who sticks rupees up Link's ass.
  • Malladus - A blue skeleton like thing..... or maybe he's a train. No, he's a girl, due to stealing Zelda's body, and he's also gender confused.
  • Shadow link A shitty character but a much more eviler version of toon link. He'll raep your ass with his special spell.

Games

Similar to Final Fantasy, every single Legend of Zelda game is the same but with better 8-bit graphics and more elaborate gameplay. In the beginning of each game, Link tugs one out while the princess inevitably becomes the sex slave of some stupid ass sand nigger pig. Having the Triforce of Wisdom, you'd think this bitch would have the sense to stay in the kitchen where she fucking belongs, but instead she decides to run into an open field and let pigfuck snatch her ass up in a crystal. This doesn't just happen in one exclusive title, but in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM (with the exception of the srsly fucking strange ones). Thankfully, she has a small green retard with no dick come to her rescue every time.

Due to the nature of the plot similarity of many Zelda games, the plot of most can be efficiently determined using the following paragraph, conveniently filling in the blanks with the table. It is well known within Nintendo that using this old Mad Libs trick, one can easily write a whole new chapter of any Nintendo game!

In (1), (2); so Link must (3). He must collect three (4) to get the (5). However, (6). So Link must do moar work to collect (7). He then gets the (8) sword, which he uses to defeat (9). However, it did not end here, as he still had to (10).

1 Ocarina of Time Twilight Princess A Link to the Past The Minish Cap The Wind Waker The Phantom Hourglass Spirit Tracks
2 Ganondorf must be stopped Zelda was kidnapped and the Twilight must be stopped Zelda was kidnapped Zelda got stoned Aryll was kidnapped Zelda's alter ego, Tetra, was kidnapped Zelda gets fragged
3 stop him save her save her restore her save her save her tell her where to go
4 Spiritual Stones Fused Shadows Medallions Elements Goddess's Pearls Spirits or four train tracks
5 Master Sword Master Sword Master Sword Picori Blade Master Sword GPS navigation plot to advance
6 this helps Ganondorf Zant takes the Fused Shadows Agahnim flees there's another element the blade is dull Tetra's a rock there's another dungeon
7 the Sages the Mirror Shards the Princesses the Wind Element two Sages the Pure Metals Byrne tells you about a fucking light compass
8 same Light Golden Four sharp Master Phantom Lokomo
9 Ganondorf Zant Ganon Vaati some puppets Bellum Johnny Two-hats
10 beat Ganon free Zelda and beat Ganondorf three times listen to triangles for real beat Vaati beat Ganondorf save Linebeck Kill Malladus

Note that in Twilight Princess, steps 5 and 6 occur in reverse order.

I liek trains

Link is on another adventure except this time, they are TRAINS. With the annoying Niko around again, Link apparently shares a house with an old pedo. To be a official engineer, Link goes to get his certificate. Instead of ships, Link finds it much better to use a train. When Link gets there, a stupid guard tells him to gtfo. Suddenly, Chancellor Cole comes and tells the fag to stfu. YESH! You have gotten your certificate! But Zelda wants you to meet her in her room. Later: Zelda gets fragged. It's kind of the same people, except this time it's her own Chancellor and a fucking buff random guy. Oh goodie! Instead of killing Zelda completely, they want her to coax Link into getting her body back. And after arriving at the tower of spirits, Anjean tells Zelda about what shit she is. But the thing that pisses most noobs out there is, "OH! THAT FUCKING BOSS WAZ EASY!" or, "Why did Byrne die?!" Who cares? Enjoy the fucking game, you lards!

Fanboys

Considered to be the savior of the series. Fanboys worship and receive orgasms over Majora.

Just as with every other game series that was invented at least 100 years ago, there are a legion of fanboys who love discussing the game (and what Zelda, Link, and Midna would look like naked) while having a circle jerk.

Gannon-Banned

A minor GameFAQs meme originating from a guy taking Zelda way too seriously. He started a website detailing all of his "rules" for the Zelda fandom, and threatening anyone who transgressed with a GANNON-BAN. Note that the text at the top proclaiming it to be for the lulz is quite recent, and obviously a reaction to a severe case of butthurt. He also calls /b/ his army to invade Nintendo, which has an inherent flaw.

The Zelda Timeline is Serious Fucking Business!

Since the Zelda games are intentionally made out of chronological order, many fans of the series like to discuss their timeline theories. When these people try to "win" a debate, most of them yell, cuss, and analyze every detail of their story to avoid continuity errors and plotholes with other games, as the developers did when writing the games' stories, in order to prove their theory is correct, and all others are wrong.

Series Heads/Epic Win Trolls Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma Speak

Regarding the issue of the timeline, series heads Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma have both said that they have documents describing the the timeline in detail, but they are top secret and can never be viewed by ANYONE, EVAR!!! In order to mess with Zelda timeline theorists, these expert trolls purposely put contradicting evidence in each game, then sit back and watch the heated debates.

   
“ 		 
For every Zelda game we tell a new story, but we actually have an enormous document that explains how the game relates to the others, and bind them together. But to be honest, they are not that important to us. We care more about developing the game system... give the player new challenges for every chapter that is born.
  		„
  		 

—Shigeru Miyamoto, 2003, Zelda Series Creator/Troll

There Is No Spoon

A certain virgin by the name of ocarinahero10 wasted countless hours compiling a video on JewTube about his take on the timeline while furiously masturbating over Zelda figurines. He sent his video to Nintendo, and asked them what they thought about it. The reply from Nintendo crashed down upon him and every Timelinefag's world and shattered their dreams and years of dedication to this faggotry.

How to troll Zelda fantards

  • Go On to /b/ And Say Imagine if Zelda was a girl. (It pisses them off srsly)
  • Be a newfag about the story-line.


The Chronicles of Zelda Universe

See: Zelda Universe

Videos

Link's faggotry

Moar faggotry

Parents Will Help You Set It Up

The best Zelda games ever conceived.

Previous Video | Next Video

Gallery

It's Dangerous to Go Alone! View These! About missing Pics
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Triforce 34

The Stockpot Bordello About missing Pics
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Midna and Link About missing Pics
  • Hot
    Hot
  • Ooooh Midna!
    Ooooh Midna!
  • Link and Midna escape using jet propulsion.
    Link and Midna escape using jet propulsion.
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See also

Video Links

External Links

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