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Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero (Or GheyTard Queero or Guitar An Hero, lol amirite?) is an unoriginal video game that requires you to glue your eyes to the television and hit the same damn buttons for the next 5 minutes. Guitar Hero is the game of choice for all 13 year old boys, as well as emos, punks, stoners, and pedophiles. The only real reason that it's popular is because faggots with Down Syndrome think they are the best guitarist ever. If you see somebody getting 100 percent on expert mode at a GameStop make sure to troll them by pressing the frets while they're playing or "accidentally" bump the guitar.
The fourth (and subsequent) installments branched out into drums and vocals, undoubtedly an attempt to compete with blatantly plagiarize Rock Band. Yup, nothing says "Guitar Hero" like banging on plastic drums. It also has the ability to record your own songs and send them to others.
Gameplay
The idea of the game is to destroy real rock by having 10 year olds become "fans" of Slash, DragonFucks. etc etc. and of course also to hit colored notes falling down the screen which correspond with guitar sounds in the song you're playing. Star power is implemented by shoving the guitar in your ass and playing notes with your dick. If you can play expert at a decent level it is said you would be able to play a guitar in real life, so long as it's plastic, only has five buttons to hit, no strings, and is hooked up to a gaming system. If it is not anything like the device described above, then you will undoubtedly end up doing it wrong. The game is also known for it's drug-like effects it has on the player; finish a song and look at either a wall or your roof. Does it appear to be sucking itself in?
Warning
It's been scientifically proven that becoming good at Guitar Hero will give you the mistaken impression that you have talent. Seriously, it's not a real guitar; this is for wannabees who play too much air guitar or DDR. The fact of the matter is the better you are Guitar Hero the worse you are at IRL guitar, and vice versa.
Also of notable mention is that this game provokes an awful lot of unwarranted self importance, and you may find yourself boasting about how you just scored 92% on "Through The Fire And Flames." To keep yourself in check repeat this phrase 3 times after every play through of "Through The Fire And Flames;" "DragonForce is no good at guitar and neither am I."
Ignore this warning and suffer.
Live Streams
Of course some tryhards think they're so good at this extremely serious game that they actually post live streams of them playing solo.
Feel free to stop by and remind them of how cool they are.
Example: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/guitarhero11395-live-stream
Exemplar
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Guitar Hero as a Trolling Technique
This game has great potential for pissing people off in a quick and efficient manner. Here's how it works:
- Step 1: Find someone who knows how to play drums.
- Step 2: Mention that you play and enjoy Guitar Hero (regardless of whether you actually do). This alone should get a reaction. If your target has enough common sense to realize that it's just a fucking game, and therefore not give a shit about what video games you like, continue to Step 3.
- Step 3: Imply that you are skilled at Guitar Hero and (here comes the important part) that this skill makes you as worthy of admiration as someone who has learnt how to play an actual instrument. At this point, your victim should explode and launch into a lengthy rant on music, art, effort, dedication and merit.
This game therefore has superior trolling potential when compared to all the other games out there, because playing Counter-Strike doesn't make your friends say "think you're hot stuff, huh? I bet you couldn't really shoot a real terrorist," and playing Gran Turismo doesn't make your friends say "what a waste of time...learn how to drive a real car, you pathetic piece of shit." In other words, Guitar Hero is just as good a drama generator as any conversation on abortion, creationism or Linux...actually, it's even better than any of these three examples, because they are all easily identified as trolls and will be met with "not this shit again". Guitar Hero, on the other hand, is fresh enough that most people will take the bait.
An alternate trolling technique is to find a random YouTube video of someone playing a song with any instrument. Every single one of these videos has at least one comment telling the video's maker to learn how to play a real instrument.
- Step 1: Reply to their comment with something to the effect of "You don't know how to play (instrument in question)." The more recent the comment, the better.
- Step 2: Go do something productive for an hour. Maybe a few songs on Guitar Hero.
- Step 3: Come back to a lengthy rant about the poster's guitar playing skills.
- BONUS LEVEL! If said poster offers up a video of his guitar playing, you can troll further by insulting his shitty Led Zeppelin cover (PROTIP: That's what it's going to be) or by denying that that the poster is the person in the video.
Quackadilly
Here is another example of a real Guitar Hero, except he is not azn or obese. Template:Ytlink2 is obviously an attention whore and enjoys making videos to show off his skillz. The numerous comments that Quackadildo's fans leave him are proof to remind him that he truly is a Guitar Hero. His long fingers suggest that he is quite talented with his hands. This would help score him some chicks, but since he plays Guitar Hero, he is obviously just a faggot.
Guitar Hero on South Park
South Park made an episode on Guitar Hero called "Guitar Queer-O," which can be viewed here.
There's also a fascinating attempt at recreating their parody of said game here that's also a piece of shit to begin with.
Rock Band
In 2007, the same game company who created Guitar Hero created a game called Rock Band. It's just like Guitar Hero, except with different songs and a variety of instrument controllers, much like Konami's Japan-only Guitar Freaks and DrumMania.
It is said to be "more real" than Guitar Hero, but the people who say this are the same people who have to be picked up by their mom from middle school and form bands with their fellow playground buddies, hoping to be featured on MySpace Music.
Trolling Rock Band fans actually isn't necessary because Harmonix takes care of that; they troll different fans every week with the downloadable content they offer. Every Tuesday, the Rock Band Forums get lit up with complaints that the week's offering wasn't what they wanted. Those comments are immediately followed with at least 100 replies telling them to STFU, and then a flame war commences. The most lulz are achieved when Harmonix releases songs from local bands around Boston (because giving undiscovered bands a chance to reach a new audience isn't as important as pleasing one fanboy) or bands made up of their employees. Every forum section will have at least one complaint such as "OMG IM TEH CUTSOMER HMX SHULD MAKE TEH SONGZ I WANT!!!!!!11" from a guy with Metallica, Slipknot, and Led Zeppelin's entire library in his DLC wishlist.
A side by side comparison of Guitar Hero and Rock Band
- Emofags generally prefer Guitar Hero to Rock Band due to only requiring one person to play. They prefer not having to associate with other people or (Heaven forbid) going outside to visit someone who forced their parents to blow at least 100 dollars on this box of gay.
- Weeaboos don't openly admit to playing either game as they are both American creations, however, when no one else is looking, they can be found furiously failing "Through the Fire and Flames" on
ExpertHardany difficulty. If it's not a Japanese RPG or Super Smash Bros.BrawlMelee, they're screwed.
- Because Rock Band was developed by Harmonix, occasionally you'll find a band that can actually play worth a shit. Guitar Hero, however, packs the highest amount of both failure and AIDS seen in a video game since Final Fantasy X-2. Don't believe me? Korn. The Used. Slipknot. AFI. Foo Fighters (in both fgt). Coldplay. And for fuck's sake, I Am Murloc. Did anyone ever stop and think "Wait a minute, this song is even more completely fucking gay than the Village People!" (although in Guitar Hero's defense, Rock Band features Fall Out Boy and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, resulting in roughly equivalent fail).
- Rock Band is the only of the two games which features songs that are able to be played with only one's penis:
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- To date, Rock Band has released at least 100 downloadable tracks.
Of these tracks, only three are worth your timeNone of these tracks are worth your time, as absolutely no part of the game should be played.
- Rock Band comes included with a Fender Stratocaster game controller. Despite the name, the only thing this controller manages to copy from its counterpart is
its complete failure to work properlyeverything; It's a complete piece of shit that only faggots play, and it's shoddily made. Get a fucking Ibanez.
Guitar Hero: World Torr Tour vs. Rock Band 2
Shortly after Rock Band was released, Activision realized that nobody was going to care about how hard their Dragonforce songs are when they could commit the unspeakable blasphemy of convincing people to visit their basements and pretend to be a band. World Torr was announced soon after as the successor to Guitar Hero 3: Legends Of Cock, and everything was fine and dandy. Until you look at the game's song list and see that 18 of the songs are already available on Rock Band 2, making Guitar Hero the video game equivalent of a deviantART tracer.
Oh, and the list has Michael Jackson's "Beat It." Seriously. But "Beat It" has a sick solo. But Michael Jackson is WAS (HAHA HE'S DEAD) a pedophile, faggot and an all-around bundle of gay so it still brings about fail.
Guitar Hero also beat Rock Band for the "honor" of featuring Metallica's new album Death Magnetic as DLC, and three songs from Tool. Nothing of value was lost.
Meanwhile, Harmonix is giving away 20 free songs just for buying Rock Band 2. Good deal, amirite? Maybe so, assuming you've actually heard of any of the bands on the list. Enjoy adding classics like this to your collection:
Since fans of either game can't convince their mom to buy both games for them, they often take up arms in defense of their choice in typical basement-dweller fashion. This serves as a potential source of lulz for trolling the fuck out of them.
Guitar Hero Spamming
Activision has elevated spamming to an art form, ensuring that you are no more than ten feet away from a Guitar Hero game at any time. Eventually, they plan to have 12 Guitar Hero games for each other game that gets released (or until you idiots stop buying them, whichever comes first).
Guitar Hero on Nintendo DS
As if releasing an entire game based on the winfest that is Aerosmith wasn't bad enough, Guitar Hero has made it's way onto the DS with two exciting new features to the Guitar Hero experience. First, Activision decided that the guitar controllers weren't retarded enough, so they added a worthless hunk of plastic that forces you to hold your DS in the most convoluted, cramp inducing way possible, ensuring the only thing you accomplish while playing is looking like a tool. (Which is technically the whole idea behind the Guitar Hero series anyway, amirite?) Second, they decided that the song list wasn't Gay enough, so they finally did away with Harmonix's tradition of adding a few bands that can actually play worth a shit. Therefore, out with Bang Camaro and Queens of the Stone Age, and in with such venerable rock legends as Smash Mouth's "All-Star" and Maroon 5's "This Love". FAIL. Bawwwing is expected to commence when Nintendo releases the next version of the DS, which does away with the cartridge slot that you need in order to plug in the worthless hunk of plastic. In short: you won't be able to play Guitar Hero on the DSi.
Guitar Hero: The Black Album
After realizing that 8 months of European DLC probably wasn't the best idea, Activision and Neversoft abandoned World Torr altogether in favor of a new band specific game every three months. While potentially a good business move, they forgot the one thing that keeps Rock Band in business. Instead of allowing you to have all your purchased songs in one centralized location, the game focuses on Metallica-specific features like instantly suing you once you download songs from your console's marketplace. The best songs on GH:TBA are by all the other bands on the list (except Turn the Page).
Guitar Hero: Smash Hits
Guitar Hero: Smash Hits features tracks from every previous Guitar Hero game. Every song on the disc except Through the Fire and Flames is from a pre-GH3 game, proving that GH3, World Torr and every game afterwards were never worth playing in the first place.
Guitar Hero 5
Five weeks after World Torr and two days after The Black Album was released, Activision continued their spamming with Guitar Hero 5. This game offered nothing truly noteworthy to the series and will only be remembered for Kurt Cobain playing right handed on non-Nirvana songs and rapping to Public Enemy. In between chugging Valium and alcohol and hunting for Kurt's killer, Courtney Love posted a barely readable rant about his likeness in the game.
Guitar Hero: Van Halen
Seriously? Nobody fucking listens to Van Halen anymore. The only notable thing about these games is that there could be a new GH game every month for the next 4 years, and they still couldn't catch up to all the songs available on Rock Band.
The game is jam packed with songs by bands that are not Van Halen. This was a necessity because Activision decided that Sammy Hagar was a faggot and none of his songs were any good anyway, so you only get David Lee Roth's songs. And don't think they've forgotten Michael Anthony's faggotry either, he's been kicked to the curb and replaced with Wolfgang Van Halen. You can also look forward to classic rock staples such as "Stacy's Mom," "Pain," and "Best of You."
After the staff at Activision and Neversoft woke up from their drug induced comas and realized that people stopped giving a fuck about Guitar Hero, they responded the only way they could: by taking a game nobody wanted in the first place and giving it away for free if you preorder or purchase Guitar Hero 5 in September, destorying any potential sales the game might have made. Oh, and this offer only applies to people in the USA. Suck it.
This game also broke a new boundary at IGN, it's fail surpassing their normal 8.0 to 10 rating scale and receiving the lowest score ever given out by the website. Read the review.
DJ Hero
DJ Hero is Guitar Hero for n wiggers.
Band Hero
Due to possibly a small amount of paranoia, Guitar Hero now times it's game releases to every Rock Band game release, every new DLC addition, and every Harmonix announcement. Thus, when Lego Rock Band was revealed, Activision and Neversoft threw a bunch of random songs on a disc and timed it to compete. Fitting with the series theme of multiple games in a short period of time and having the same band on the disc three times, Band Hero's setlist includes three Taylor Swift songs and two Fall Out Boy songs.
Harmonix
Contrary to popular belief, Harmonix is not actually run for profit. It would be more accurate to call them a trolling organization. Every business decision the company makes has the ultimate goal of lulz, wether it comes from Activision and Guitar Hero, or from their own fanbase.
Last thursday, Viacom announced they were selling Harmonix and Rock Band because they are making way for a Snookie video game. Many fanboi's are worried Activision may buy it and shit all over this genre. Other companies that people are afraid of are Microsoft, Sony, Apple (WTF) and Konami. Most Guitar Hero players would've been taking the news as a chance to make their shitty game look good, but Activision announced Band Hero 2.
Weekly DLC
At first, Harmonix tried to listen to their fan's requests, delivering early on with classic Metallica and other highly requested bands. Sometimes fan requests doubled as lulzy opportunities. After Guitar Hero fanboys celebrated the arrival of an Iron Maiden song to their series, Harmonix responded with twelve of their songs, despite the band's apparent dislike of MTV. They succeeded again with 12 Queen songs. But as time went on, Harmonix began to realize that all their efforts at getting hit songs were going to waste. No matter what was offered, they received the same whiny backlash every week. 13 year old boys who have no idea about concepts like song charting and licensing figured all you needed to do was ask for the song and push a button to get a chart, so there was no reason to not have every song from Avenged Sevenfold in the game. They eventually realized that nothing was going to please the pasty basement dwellers that comprised their forum regulars, so now they exploit their songs for maximum butthurt and lulz. Lady Fucking Gaga has now got his own track pack. Great one harmonix!
The Beatles: Rock Band
When Harmonix announced The Beatles: Rock Band, fans were genuinely excited that a classic band was going to be added to their series. But few realized how badly they were going to be trolled:
- The Guitar Hero series on multiple levels; cutting The Beatles off from ever appearing in their games, and actually putting work and dedication into faithfully representing the band, making the Metallica and Van Halen games look like the half assed cash-ins they were. Successful Troll is Successful.
- Their own fanbase by not allowing The Beatles songs to become part of the full Rock Band series, causing immense butthurt over having to take 2 minutes to change a disc. Their forums were further trolled when a flood of newfags spammed requests for single band games for epic, history making groups such as AFI, U2 and Paramore.
- Yoko Ono by not even telling her they were working on the game.
Visions
However, none of their trolling efforts come close to matching the drama and butthurt generated by the inclusion of Abnormality's song Visions on the Rock Band 2 disc. The song was recorded when Harmonix abducted four Jews from New York, trapped them in a recording studio and informed them that if they did not record a metal song in five munites, they were going to be gassed and their Jew Gold stolen. Valuing money above life, the Jews were able to record Visions with 30 seconds to spare despite not knowing how to play the instruments. Harmonix gassed them anyway, took the song and added it to the disc with charting done by a 6 year old Aspie banging his head on the keyboard.
Shortly after the game's release, players who couldn't grasp the concept of a setlist including every song in the game jumped right into the final venue, the Endless Setlist 2. Their 1337 skillz got them through 81 of the songs until they were stopped dead in their tracks by Visions. This began the spamming of Visions hate threads on the Rock Band Forums, which still continues today as people complain about not being able to get that last achievement and beg for a feature to block or delete the songs they can't beat.
- A collection of the stupidest Visions hate quotes. The retardation in this thread was so excessive, it prompted the lead singer of Abnormality to register for the forums and comment.
- Oddly enough, Billy Mays had no problem breezing through Visions.
Rock Band 3
After two years Harmonix decided to release yet another main title in the series. This time they decided to take away about half of Rock Band 2's content and add a keyboard that is not supported by some songs in the game. They also tossed in an over priced guitar with Over 9000 buttons on it which is fucking imposable to play. Regarding the missing content mentioned before, it includes but is not limited to, the removal of all duel biased competitive modes and the removal of an actual career mode. If the OMG NEW INSTRUMENTS!!1!11! wasn't enough of a reason to make you run out to buy this game, Harmonix decided to do give their fans reasons that will force them to buy this new version. See, Harmonix decided to make all future DLC for the series only be compatible with Rock Band 3. So all of you Rock Band 2 junkies will not be able to even play the new songs by hit bands like Linkin Park. Oh, and those songs you bought before that were re-released to add in the pro and keyboard functions, well you will have to buy them all over again without so much as a discounted price or anything.
PROTIP: There is a cool glitch that affects your score. When your nearing the end of a song, rapidly hit the start button to pause and un-pause the game at least 15 times. Do this until the game stops rewinding the track, then return to playing. Your score will be insane!
Unfortunately Scenes you will never see in at Guitar Hero or Rock Band Game
The Who at the Riverfront Coliseum in Cincinnati Ohio in 1979
Great White preforming Desert Moon at The Station nightclub in Rhode Island Feb 20 2003.
Jim Morrison whipping out his penis to the paying crowd at the Dinner Key Auditorium in Miami Florida.
A song where the Jonas Brothers suck each other off.
A special mode where you can rent a luxury hotel suite, do drugs, fuck whores and trash the place and get scored on how much damage you leave with.
Rolling Stones at the 1969 Altamont Music Festival, where you get to hire the Hell Angels for security, for the price of $500 and beer, then a nigger gets killed.
Gallery
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Pedobear wants to play with you... -
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Big John -
Kurt Cobain is an Guitar Hero. -
John McCain is A GUITAR HERO!!! -
I am teh GH hero lol -
Guitar Hero games are praised for their accurate simulation of playing music.
See Also
- Dance Dance Revolution
- Dragonforce
- Frets on Fire
- Metallica
- The Beatles
- Bang Camaro
- Hipster
- Indie
- Faggot
- Nerd
- Otherkin
- Basement dweller
- Shit Nobody Cares About
External Links
- Guitar Hero Official Site
- Rock Band Official Site
What "Guitar Heroes" have to do when they meet.- When toy guitars and real basses meet.
- The inspiring tale of a boy who drops out of high school to pursue his dream of playing Guitar Hero professionally. - No, srsly.
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Guitar Hero is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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Guitar Hero is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |