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Hutaree

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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File:Huttaree nutjobs.jpg
Mixed nuts.
File:Hutaree bunch.jpg
The Hutaree Bunch

Hutaree is a group of whack-nut wing-job "Christians" that got their asses busted by the FBI in a giant raid in Michigan on terrorism and gun charges after they formed a militia and started threatening Muslims and planning to kill police officers. At one point, after the raids had begun the leader nut called a legitimate militia nearby and asked for help. Their leader, who is of Muslim descent, told him to go fuck himself.

All the shit hit the fan when the feds showed up and started raiding 'tards in three different states. Seven people have been arrested but nobody knows why for being complete fucking douchebags and failures at life. Local people have been quoted as describing the situation as if an army had descended on their towns.

Captain Hutaree Thinks Up a Plan

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Capt. Hutaree
File:Hutaree flag.JPG
Hutaree Flag

David Brian Stone, also known to his followers as "Captain Hutaree," has some kind of big bug up his ass with the government. And not just the feds! He hates all government. Deciding that his hometown would be much improved by turning it into Afghanistan, Dave gets his wife and kids together and hatches a plan to kill some fucking cops. The Stone family and their closest friends from church decided that the best way to do this would be to kill one cop, and then take out a whole bunch more by ambushing the subsequent funeral. With everything decided, the group went about the business downloading plans for IED's off the Internet, gathering the parts, and finding some schmuck to set up cops the bombs. All for Jesus. Just to make sure they did it in style, they all went out and bought matching outfits and sewed on their own flag and nut-job merit badges. After this, Dave's plan kind of goes nowhere, so it was off to the woods for an adventure filled camping trip featuring fun activities like setting up booby-traps and waiting, armed to the teeth, for the attacking SWAT teams and rampaging hoards of sinners in the final battle between good and evil. Just like the Boy Scouts (but without all the sodomy)! Somewhere along the way the authorities, no doubt spying on the God-loving Hutaree (by answering the phone calls from the locals who told them about their forum posts)(and because EVERYBODY in town FUCKING KNEW), got wind of Dave's clever plan and decided to shut the whole thing down.

   
“ 		 
After such attacks, the group allegedly planned to retreat to "rally points" protected by trip-wired explosives for a violent standoff with the law.
  		„
  		 

—Yahoo! News

And Some Ranks

File:Militia custom.jpg
David Stone's House IRL

The Hutaree insignia includes a sword, crossed spears, and the letters "CCR" which stand for "Colonial Christian Republic." Hutaree members use a unique system of paramilitary ranks with titles from highest to lowest: Radok, Boramander, Zulif, Arkon, Rifleman (three grades), Lukore, and Gunner (three grades).

   
“ 		 
"I don't see basis in biblical or military history for Radok, Boramander, Zulif, Arkon, and Lukore. They sound kind of like Pokémon names (e.g. Arbok, Charmander, Zubat, Rokon), but there's no precedent there, either."
  		„
  		 

—University of Pennsylvania linguistics professor Mark Lieberman via TOW

FBI Raid a Wake

File:Cops searching a house.jpg
Cops searching a red-neck fort

Just to be extra lulzy, the FBI decided that they'd beat them at their own game by raiding one of their funerals instead. This is just more evidence of how twisted and evil all forms of government are! What kind of sick bastards would attack people attending a funeral?!

   
“ 		 
Sources from the Michigan militia community said one of the FBI raids took place Saturday during a wake for a Hutaree member who had died of natural causes. A Hutaree leader was arrested during the wake while at the same time agents were conducting raids at other locations.
  		„
  		 


And A Pizza Store

   
“ 		 
George Ponce, 18, who works at a pizzeria next door to a home raided in Hammond, Ind., said he and a few co-workers stepped outside for a break Saturday night and saw a swarm of law enforcement.

"I heard a yell, 'Get back inside!' and saw a squad member pointing a rifle at us," Ponce said. "They told us the bomb squad was going in, sweeping the house looking for bombs."
 

„
  		 

Captain Hutaree Calls For Reinforcements

Once it was pretty clear that the man was going to kick his ass, Dave called a neighboring militia to send in more red-necks and was promptly told to go fuck himself by a traitor commie Jew in league with the Illuminati.

 
“ 		 
Michael Lackomar, a spokesman for the Southeast Michigan Volunteer Militia, said one of his team leaders got a frantic phone call Saturday evening from members of Hutaree, a Christian militia group, who said their property in southwest Michigan was being raided by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives.

"They said they were under attack by the ATF and wanted a place to hide," Lackomar said. "My team leader said, 'no thanks."

The team leader was cooperating with the FBI on Sunday, Lackomar said. He said SMVM wasn't affiliated with Hutaree, which states on its Web site to be "prepared to defend all those who belong to Christ and save those who aren't."
 

„
 

The sand-nigger was promptly kicked out of the militia.

It's NOT Us!

At one point, after the media picked up the story, a law abiding yet unrelated militia group was mistaken for the crazies. Shortly thereafter, they put a big disclaimer on their website:

Neither MICHIGANMILITIA.COM nor the SMVM have been "raided" by the FBI. We do nothing illegal.


   
“ 		 
Both The Southeast Michigan Volunteer Militia and the staff of Michiganmilitia.com condemn attacks or threats of any sort directed against our elected representatives or law enforcement officers. We also condemn those who would use these attacks to further their agenda. We are pleased that the arrests were made without incident or injury; the difference can now be settled in a court of law, not a bloody shootout.

A well-armed citizenry is the best form of Homeland Security and can better deter crime, invasion, terrorism, and tyranny. The intention of this website is to inform, promote and facilitate the development and training of the militia. Everyone is welcome, regardless of race, creed, color, religion or political affiliation, provided you do not wish to bring harm to our country or people. If you are a United States citizen (or have declared your intent to become such), who is capable of bearing arms, or supports the right to do so, then YOU ARE the militia.
 

„
  		 

Joshua Stone On The Run

After all of the gunfire died down somebody decided to do a head body count and found they where one short. Joshua Stone, taking the teachings of der fuhrer to heart, took to the hills! (We assume, because nobody knows where the fuck he is) The cops have set up a tip-line for you to phone your tips into.

This has the potential for much lulz in the near future.
Place your bets on which lunatic outcome we'll see from this:

  • Josh Surrenders (pussy)
   
“ 		 
Joshua Stone was arrested late Monday after he walked out of a mobile home in southern Michigan's Hillsdale County and surrendered without incident
  		„
  		 

—CNN

  • Josh gets dragged out of bed
  • Josh gets dragged off the toilet
  • Lunatic hostage situation
  • Lunatic hostage situation ending in shootout
  • An Hero
  • Dramatic shootout with the authorities
  • Some crazy heroic adventure where the Hutaree philosophy comes dominate mankind thanks to Josh's amazing efforts and the world becomes a conservative utopia free of Muslims, terrorists, liberals, homosexuals, and Jews ruled by Zombie Jesus.

Meanwhile, On YouTube

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Riding the Train to Fame

At one point, before any of the above hilarity, an unrelated nut job wannabe calling himself Pale Horse (b&'ed) for no apparent reason, posted a video featuring his mad skills with a voice scrambler and Windows Movie Maker. Then a conservative talk-show host wannabe with an Internet radio show, named Alex Jones, interviewed Pale Horse after rumors were spread that he was somehow associated with the Hutaree. This was quickly cleared up when Pale Horse explained that he was not involved with Hutaree, but instead was a member of a legitimate, unrelated, militia group and proved once and for all that they're all fucking crazy. Alex was quick to backpedal his ass off and eventually come out saying that any real conservative wouldn't be associated with a militia because we all know they've been secretly infiltrated by the feds, and they're just wanting to set you up. He went on to mention that the federal agent infiltrated militias were always eager for new patsys for their domestic terrorism/false flag programs. We know it's all true because it's in the bible. Read the parts about the Illuminati and Jews!

Meanwhile, on the real Hutaree YouTube Channel all of the comments and ratings have been disabled. By the fed. Because they want to take away our freedoms. And they don't love America.

It's A Conspiracy!

Turns out all of those stories about secret government agents from the FBI sent to spy on the freedom loving, patriotic, Americans were true. This is proof that the government is planing on taking away our guns and forcing us to buy health care insurance! If the liberal agenda is allowed to happen then the country will be ruined and society will fall into barbarism! We need to start a civil war to keep that from happening!

   
“ 		 
An undercover agent played a role in the investigation that led to Monday's indictments. Grand jury testimony by a law enforcement officer referred to an "undercover FBI agent" who worked on the case. The FBI declined to comment, but infiltration is a common tactic for law-enforcement officials targeting domestic militia groups.
  		„
  		 

—The Wall Street Journal

On top of that, it turns out that the feds may have fucked it up. When our merry bunch of lunatics got to their arraignment, it turned out that they didn't really do a whole bunch of anything. Dave mainly ran his mouth off and called for open war against fucking everybody, and they talked about how they where going to do it, but never got around to really doing anything. We also found out that the patsy that was recruited to make the IED's was the undercover FBI agent, and Dave's directions for making a super-awesome-mega-killing-bomb that he got from the internet was nothing more than wrapping a fire-cracker in a cut up street sign. They used most of the ones they made in their super-awesome-mega-videos on YouTube. They did find a few stolen street signs in the back of someones car though.

   
“ 		 
The only bombs built by the defendants were apparently made from cardboard tubes containing explosive material -- no shrapnel -- and used in demonstrations and training, Waterstreet said, citing videos.
  		„
  		 

—CNN

Somehow, all of the Huteree figure it's better to look like incompetent red-neck's on a misadventure, as opposed to uber-scary militant red-neck's preparing to wage war against everybody, and shut their mouth's. Now their lawyer's are saying that it was nothing but jibba-jabba and their clients God given right to freedom of speech as outlined by The First Amendment is being violated and everyone will be vindicated by the criminal justice system. Unless it's been corrupted by the New World Order and everyone in the jury is a Nazi or a Jew. This is socialism! What kind of a country are we living in?!

   
“ 		 
David Brian Stone Sr.'s attorney, William W. Swor, said the government had shown only that his client had talked.

"It's legal to speak out in America, it's legal to have opinions in America, it's legal to assemble with people in America," he told CNN. "The government has to show more than that, and if they don't, you can be sure that we'll hold them to their obligations."
 

„
  		 

—Freedom loving patriotic American defending civil liberties

Then, we find out the real reason they where all so pissed off!

   
“ 		 
A member of the Hutaree militia charged with federal crimes was upset because she thought that President Barack Obama had signed into law this month a bill that would spend $20 billion to help the terrorist group Hamas settle in the U.S.

There was never any such legislation, but Tina Stone believed it was the truth, according to her Facebook account.
 

„
  		 

Turns out, Tina forgot to check Snopes.

   
“ 		 
Stone, part of a Christian militia busted by federal agents this week, apparently got the false idea from fake e-mails and Internet chatter that claimed Obama and Congress had passed H.B. 1388 to help Hamas.
  		„
  		 

But the judge won't let them out of jail because he's a Jewish Nazi Illuminati in league with the evil liberals and Obama. Never mind all of the planning and training for "protracted resistance to federal authority" and "hidden caches of supplies intended for their use in evading capture."


   
“ 		 
U.S. Magistrate Judge Donald Scheer said each defendant posed a flight risk and "would constitute an unacceptable risk of danger to the community at large, and to the law enforcement community in particular" if released on bail.
  		„
  		 

—Reuters

later a bunch of Libretarian intelectuels like Alex Jones who exposed the ILLUMNATI JEWISH COMPUTER GOD ZIONIST LIZARD MAN nwo CONSPIRACY TO ARREST THESE BRAVE PATRIOTS

Wait, umm...?

As of May 3rd, it looks like all of their talk about free speech and jibba-jabba is being taken seriously. A judge has just said that even after the FBI have gotten the Hutaree charged with "seditious conspiracy, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, teaching the use of explosive materials and possessing a firearm during a crime of violence" they can still get bail! FUCK YEAH! AMERICAN!

   
“ 		 
Nine people federal prosecutors say belong to a "Christian warrior" militia can be released on bond until the criminal charges against them are resolved, a judge has ruled.

A federal grand jury has indicted the nine on charges of seditious conspiracy, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, teaching the use of explosive materials and possessing a firearm during a crime of violence.
 

„
  		 

—CNN

This means that in about a week, each of the Hutaree members will be paying a $30,000,000 full-cash bond. Then they'll be free to go about living their normal lives while their cases are quickly and justly dismissed by the legal system. God fearing, Jesus loving Christian Americans from all over The United States of America and Texas are eagerly awaiting Congressman Stone's release, exoneration, and election to public office. We have yet to hear from Senator Stones campaign office, but we're sure that they'll have all the information we need as soon as President Stone is back in Washington.

Oh shit...

   
“ 		 
A federal judge in Detroit today ordered the release of nine members of a Lenawee County Christian militia group freed on bond over the objections of federal prosecutors.
  		„
  		 

—Freep

They Got Trolled

Turns out that the FBI wasn't even interested in the Hutaree until another group of nut-jobs decided they where going to do some IRL trolling.

   
“ 		 
Law enforcement officials tell NPR that it may have been this low-grade concern about what the Hutarees were up to that led a member of one local militia to infiltrate Stone's group — just to keep an eye on them. That militia member ended up becoming a cooperating witness in the case.
  		„
  		 

—NPR

Major success!

Again

File:Ray stone.jpg
Go Figure

Just before The Man was about to let everyone out of jail... they changed their mind.

   
“ 		 
The U.S. 6th Circuit Court of Appeals temporarily halted the release of nine Hutaree defendants Thursday, just moments before they were scheduled to be set free.
  		„
  		 

—detnews.com

And it turns out that David's dad, Ray Stone, is a long haired hippy nature worshiper.

On The Phorum O' Nut-Jobs

On the Phorum o' nut-jobs you'll find exciting topics of conversation such as:

  • Public Forum - Anyone may post here without registering. Mods reserve the right to delete, ban or whatever they feel like doing to anyone for any reason. Since the media hit, this has pretty much turned into /b/. Surprisingly it seems the Hutaree retards did invest in a robust web host or just bought a shitload of extra bandwidth. The forum has withstood the /b/ onslaught for over 24 48 72 over 9000 hours now without breaking. This defied expectations that the lulz would run out prematurely. To compound the awesome, it seems the only existing mods are currently being sodomized by veiny drifter cock in the Southern Michigan Federal Lockup. However, it is inevitable that the site will crash, implode under the weight of trolls or be taken down by the FBI. See the lulz while you can- and screenshot that shit!
  • Evil Jew Forum - Talk about being an evil Jew and how we are taking over the world in our own private forum where no one else can see. Shalomi or something. (srsly!) Nobody knows what goes on behind these sealed passages. Presumably, they're counting their Jew gold and plotting their eventual domination of the world.
  • Chaplain's Corner - "Resistance to tyranny is obediance to God" Repent! Repent! God's gonna get ya! Blow up the damn hippies if you want to get into heaven! Obama's the Anti-Christ and must be destroyed!
  • And other gems...

In Their Own Words

File:Hutaree about.png
From their website.

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External Links

Hutaree
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Christianity
Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]

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