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Dead Rising
Dead Rising is your typical zombie game, except you can rape the zombies with everything. The game was one of the most over-hyped pieces of trash of 2006, and the only remnant of the series is a shitty mini-meme, "He's covered wars ya'know", which only 13 year old boys find funny.
The Story
You are Frank West, homosexual photographer that likes to play in mommy's closet, and you're investigating a scoop in the shit hole known as Willamette. You discover that the town has been infected with AIDS, and has caused all the townsfolk to turn into Zombies. While there, you're aided by two Nigras, Brad and Otis, and a White Woman to help take down some Beaner Scum named Carlito, who spread a bunch of zombie drugs around the town, because the Government killed everyone in his Mexican village for conspiring to border-hop.
Half-way through, the Beaner's sister, Isabella, decides to aid you, because he shot her in the arm for not making him a sandwich. In the end, Brad and the white woman get infected by AIDS and die, and you're stranded in the mall forevar.
But wait, that wasn't the TRUE ending. In the true ending, you find out that Carlito raped 50 orphans around America, and soon, they'll become contagious enough to spread their zombie AIDS throughout the entire world. Frank and the Beaner's sister eventually escape from the mall after beating up military personnel. Frank's closing line was "Fuck the Po-lice."
But no really, this is the real ending. Frank is killing the zombies harder, better, faster, and stronger than ever, later inspiring Two shit French DJ's to write their shit album. Frank then gets a call from his boyfriend, Carlito, who confesses to have dropped a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima. Frank calms him down, but then gets very very angry because he remembers that his mother was on vacation there. Frank takes out his cock and chops it off, causing him great pleasure. "The cock is so hurting." he shouted at the zombies. At this moment, the lead singer of the popular Japanese pop band Avenged Sevenfold falls down from the ceiling. He pulls out his cock and chops it off. "Here, replace your cock with mine, you deserve it." he moaned to Frank. Frank follows the fucking directions like a bitch and attaches the cock with glue. This cliffhanger ending has left many fans wanting a sequel, but creators of the game felt that they should just skip to the sequel of the sequel and released the game "NFL Head Coach", one of the most successful video games of all time.
Why the Game Sucked
AI
In a strange showing of accuracy on Capcom's part, the zombies in Dead Rising were actually much smarter than the survivors. This is 100% realistic, since the average American is a white blooded Christian. Most of the game consisted of escorting survivors back to your rumpus room, which often went horribly awry, since your survivors displayed a fetish for being eaten alive and running into crowds of zombies like a herd of them just shat a mound of Jew gold. Why the game encourages you to save these faggots is a mystery, since the world would be much better off without these fucktards making the gene pool look bad.
Save Slot(s)
During development, some dipshit decided it would be better to only give the player one save slot. So when you save the game and then don't have enough time to get to the next objective you have to start the whole thing over. That requires you to sit through the same awful story over 9,000 times, unless you decide to just return the shitty game.
Otis
A nigger troll that lives in the mall, he haxx the game by making Frank stand perfectly still when spewing worthless information. Otis' only purpose in this game is to let you know when some dipshit trapped in the mall needs saving, and to black person. Otis finds it perfect that he can piss Frank off by calling at the most inappropriate times to give the most useless information ever. Otis has used his MIT degree to modify the radio given to Frank to where, when he is talking on it, it will send an electrical charge to Frank's brain to make sure he can't put down the radio or do anything except jog. You can see in Frank's eyes that he wants to shove that radio up Otis' ass, but he chooses not to, because Otis may interpret that as a sexual advance and rape him, and the fact that he's a black ass black person and likes buttsecks and other moar black kinky secks.
Psychopaths
The bosses in this game are basically a bunch of insane fucks tripping on acid. Said fucks include a fat lesbian cop that molests under 18 year olds, a butcher, a checkout guy who screams THIS IS MY STOOOOOOORE, boarder-lining a mini-meme of sorts, and A FUCKING CLOWN. DUAL WIELDING CHAINSAWS. No, srsly. When designing the boss battles, Capcom decided to be lazy, and go smoke meth instead of adding a shred of creativity to the game. Because of this, every boss battle is over in less than 10 seconds, since you can just cut the fuckers in half with a chainsaw. The end boss somehow manages to be more broken than all the others, by only letting the player defeat him by running in a circle and kicking him in the face for five minutes straight until he falls into a sea of zombies. The Convicts in the park are known for starting a mini-meme unto itself, which the opening lyric of Lifeseekers song "Gone Guru" WWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL HE AINT MY BOY BUT THE BROTHER IS HEAVY
Frank is gay.
Carlito/Frank; rooftop
“How’d you get up here?” Frank’s fists clenched at his sides as Carlito’s lips twitched into a sinister smile. “Don’t just grin at me, I want an answer!”
With a pivot Carlito took a few steps toward the photojournalist; his locket swinging carelessly against his sculpted chest that was particularly visible through the plunging neckline of his shirt. Bringing a hand up to stroke down his slick black hair, he brought his eyes to face Frank’s. “Do you believe now that this is Hell?”
Frank scoffed. “A Hell that you caused.” Carlito grunted in response.
“Isabella knows I’m right you know,” he said, resuming his stroll, circling Frank like a vulture. “And deep down, I know you know I’m right as well.”
“What are you saying?” Frank inquired angrily. Carlito beamed, bringing up his hand and stroking his long fingers down Frank’s neck. The journalist lurched away and put his hand on his camera.
“Don’t be stupid,” Carlito shifted his walk again and pressed his front against him, causing him to back up until his back met the wall. Carlito still pressed on, against him, his sharp nose touching Frank’s. “Isabella will turn, she knows what’s right, she knows that it’s important Santa Cabeza be avenged.” He paused, watching a bead of sweat drip down Frank’s face. “And, she’s taken quite a shine to you, Mr. West.”
“What?” Carlito’s hand grabbed Frank’s arm and slammed him against the concrete wall, making his head lurch forward.
“Join us,” the Latin-American drawled. “You would like to get that scoop right? I can tell you everything you need to know about Santa Cabeza, the zombies, everything!” Frank’s teeth gnashed together at this offer. “You would make Isabella so happy,” Carlito’s tongue flicked outward and ran over his thin lips. “You would make me so happy.”
He further tightened his grip and crushed his lips to Frank’s, letting out the months of restricting his libido and obsession with revenge into the photographer’s mouth. Frank’s arms grabbed at Carlito’s shirt, despite the other man’s attempt at pushing him down and shoved him off, pulling him up to face him angrily. Frank was red in the face and could taste the other man on his lips, he tasted like blood and honey and it made him sick. For a few moments, he held Carlito to him, his hands shaking and a blush highlighting his cheek. He stared down into Carlito’s stormy gray eyes and it hit him hard how much he looked like his sister.
He hadn’t been thinking when he did it, but he returned his lips to Carlito’s and allowed himself to be seduced by the dark side for just a moment. And quite literally as well; as Carlito pushed him against the concrete wall of the rooftop and pulled against his clothes Frank released a groan of satisfaction. His arm wrapped around and pulled the other man’s hair, meeting his tongue as well and the hand that went lower. Carlito reached inside his pants and then into him, squeezing the part of him that made his body shiver and ache. As his calloused fingers played over Frank’s erection, his teeth nipped at the journalist’s neck, making his back arch and his body convulse with pleasure.
It wasn’t as if Frank wasn’t doing his own exploring. His hands slid inside Carlito’s top through the neckline and tweaked his nipples, making the other man huff against his neck and suck on the tender flesh, demanding continuation. Frank obliged, pressing upward and grinding against Carlito and giving him a complete hand full of him. It wasn’t until the two of them were necking once again that Frank felt himself shudder hard and release himself into Carlito’s palm. He ended the stroking, pulling out his hand and holding it out for a second to shake it off.
“You know,” Frank scowled, and in a method to assure his own mindset he said “I only did it because you look like your sister.”
Carlito, for a brief moment, felt like killing him where he stood, but instead a better way of revenge came to mind. “That’s alright, because now, you have to face my sister.” Frank looked down, his red cheeks paling at the sight of the stain on the crotch of his pants. Small, though noticeable, he was too busy staring in horror as Carlito made his leave. “I take it back, you stay with the Americans, I don’t need your sexual tension dragging me down.” He turned his head back to Frank, “Isabella will come back on her own, because she knows it’s the right thing to do.”
As Frank watched him leave (cursing his lack of a long ranged weapon), he grabbed his pants and pondered, amongst revenge, how he would get into the security room unnoticed.
Destructoid's Number One Zombie Game!
Once again Destructoid just proves how much they love nothing but shit. Their top 10 zombie games, is nothing but an advertisement to Dead Rising while still making Left 4 Dead look bad at number 10 and Resident Evil 4 is at number 2 just to piss the fans off that it lost to Dead Rising. Somehow a sandbox game with piss poor gameplay and shitty story is alot of fun and nothing is more fun than saving idiotic survivors, getting pestered by Otis and wearing a bunch of children clothing or woman's clothes just for the lolz.
Videos
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Trolling butthurt fanboys
- Say that the zombies are too dumb to even be a threat to your character.
- List any zombie game that is better than Dead Rising.
- criticize the poor AI, shitty story line and lame boss fights.
- In Dead Rising 1 mention how not every item in the mall can be used as a weapon or item.
- Anyone that plays dead rising to dress up in girl clothing is secretly a gay cross dressing fag, no exceptions.
- Game is over rated.
Dead Rising 2: Electric Boogaloo
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Dead Rising 2 takes place a few years or something after the events of Dead Rising 1, and once again there's been a zombie outbreak. But wait, this isn't the first outbreak to happen since the one in the first game. Turns out that no matter what ending you got in the first one, it didn't make much of a difference. You play as some kind of motocross zombie killer who makes a living by participating in some game show where he and a bunch of other unimportant assholes ride motorcycles with chainsaws attached to them around an arena cutting up zombies. This is the only interesting part of the game. After this, the nigger who hosts the game show releases all the zombies causing another outbreak, blames it on you, some more crap happens, and then your character finds himself in a mall with 3 days to prove his innocence. Basically, after you do the game show part, you're back to doing the same shit you did in the first game. Bullshit bosses and all. There are a few major differences though, only one of them being even remotely good.
- Zombex Your daughter was bit by a zombie a few years ago and has been on a drug called Zombrex.
However, your character doesn't have any and must buy some from some douche bag each and every day. It's extremely expensive and raising the cash to buy it can be pretty annoying.Unless you're smart enough to actually find the stuff lying around on overhangs and on top of giant slot machine like tossing Zombrex onto hard to reach spots is a fucking national sport.
- "Improved" AI Acknowledging the complaints about the horrible AI from the first game, Capcom decided to make some drastic improvements for the civilians. The first major difference is that they no longer run into mobs of zombies. They simply wait there and let the zombies come to them. Some of them are also armed with firearms too. To balance this out, Capcom made it so they can not distinguish you from zombies and shoot you in the back constantly.
- They did not fix the retarded zombie AI. The zombies still can't attack anything that moves and they can't see you if you are 2ft away from them.
- Improvised weapons If you get the right weapons, as well as unlock the combo cards for them, you can create improvised weapons, such as a bucket with drills in it that tears zombies' heads to pieces when you put it on them, a baseball bat with nails attached to it, and propane tanks that have nails sticking out of 'em and shit. This is probably the only good change they made. The result is also fucking unrealistic, for example, if you use only one chainsaw and another weapon that goes with it, you always get two chainsaws for the resulting weapon. This is exclusively for lazy fucks who don't want to "waste time" getting more weapons for the appropriate result. Also the only weapon you'll probably use while playing is the nail bat since the parts for it are right outside the safe room and you don't exactly have much time to waste to build anything else since you're on a time limit.
- Terror Is Reality* TEH BEST SHOW EVAR. Is actually extremely important to the plot point. In it, you get to Shoot balls at zombies, put dresses and flower pots on them, grind up zombies and feed the guts to giant metal heads, and that thing you did at the start of the game.
- Worse Psychopaths Psychopaths include a closet gay Terror is Reality contestant, a fat bastard with a fucking TIGER for a best friend, an aging singer with a nice ass, a protester who is a living irony, a fatass chef, 4 lonely hunters, a fat bastard with a huge pink chainsaw in a gimp suit that resembles Chris-Chan, and many more.
- Multiplayer The multiplayer sucks, nuff' said. Except for the end of every match where you get to rape the zombies with motorbikes equipped with chainsaws.
See Also
External Links
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