Stardew Valley/Characters

<Stardew Valley

Dateable

Such a way with words.

• Elliott - Not to be confused with Elliot Rodger, the game's Elliott has long ginger hair and prefers writing a novel to posting about his microcock. He also prefers an evening playing the piano in his cabin by the beach to a mass shooting. Stardew Elliott woos players with musings about love and romance like he's a JojaMart-brand Jaden Smith, arguably better than the Supreme Gentleman's strategy of calling women sluts for not screwing him. The game's Elliott will also dedicate one of his books to you if you romance him and beds you during his 10 heart event, but it's his worst book and his first fuck. What gentlemanly Elliot could do remains unknown for obvious reasons.
• Shane - Anti-social retard who lives with his aunt Marnie. When he's not tending his chickens, he's often seen working at the JojaMart in Pelican Town. If you talk to him he'll scold you and tell you to leave him alone like an asshole, though some players claim it's just his autism. People date him for the blue chickens he'll give out when you're close enough friends and after he's done with them. Marry him if you like worrying about what your man wants more, chickens or his wife.
• Sebastian - Emo loner faggot who lives in his mom's basement like most Stardew Valley players. He spends most of his time playing vidya games on his computer and cutting himself offscreen because even his family hates him. When he does go outside, he's usually seen smoking by the mountain lake. Players often marry him out of pity because no one loves him and he'd kill himself otherwise. They stay married because if they leave he'll - surprise - kill himself.
• Sam - Sam is the only reason Sebastian hasn't killed himself yet and, out of all the other male dateables, seems the least insufferable. He spends most of his time either with Sebastian playing guitar or pool at the saloon or playing vidya games on a Gameboy lookalike. With Stardew's lacking selection of single men, the way Sam seems to care for his friend and not fuck chickens will make him look increasingly datable. When you get to know him, you'll find out he only hangs with Sebastian so he can suicide bait him offscreen.

Something Sebastian actually says to you after you marry him.

• Harvey - The town doctor in Pelican Town. He spends most of his time at the clinic doing nothing but waiting for you to pass out on your farm or in the mine so he can charge you out the ass for passing out nowhere close to his clinic, using an advanced form of medical transport known as "dragging your unconscious body by the hair". If you get to know him, you'll find he's like a more autistic Shane but with less bird rape. According to his 8 heart event, Stardew Valley is in Russia.
• Alex - Originally named Josh, Alex spends his time thinking he can go pro in football (which is named Gridball in Stardew Valley) or lifting weights. His ego is bigger than the black hole at the center of our galaxy, but that's just to mask that he's a sad drunk who has Gridball in place of a personality. Right after the wedding he'll actually walk to the saloon to watch Gridball all day and spend YOUR MONEY on beer, refusing to consummate the marriage but still fucking you.

Average Penny dialogue.

• Penny - Probably the worst choice out of all the dateable characters, Penny is a sad tradwife wannabe who lives in a shitty little trailer with her barfly mom. Penny has no ambitions other than having kids with you, so she's in for a wait if your character's female. Saying no to her at some points during the dating process will make her burst into tears and you'll lose most of your friendship points with her. If you don't date her, she'll spend her days reading at the local library and tutoring Vincent and Jas, having nothing else to do while her mom's day drinking at the saloon. Penny claims she tutors them because - with no school in Pelican Town - it's the right thing to do, but everyone knows she does it because it's her only time with people outside of getting slapped around by her alcoholic mom. If you feel bad for her - not Penny, her mom - then marry Alex so he can go to the saloon on your wedding night and keep her company.
• Emily - Blue haired feminazi that works part-time at the saloon and has a pet parrot. She likes making shitty clothes with her sister Haley using the sewing machine in their house - well, their parent's house. After marriage, she'll set up a crystal garden on your farm to meditate in and to remind you she's batshit crazy. She'll babble about horoscopes and spirituality in place of a conversation, but that's because her personality is best described as untreated mental illness.

Mental illness personified.

• Haley - Emily's sister and proof that insanity is genetic, they live together. Their parents have been out traveling the world for the past 2 years to forget the disappointment that is their daughters. Haley's a spoiled rich kid who peaked in high school and stayed a self centered cunt in adulthood, but that's just to cope with her inevitable fate. If you mention she's an aging womanchild who has nothing - not to be confused with an aging manchild who earned his farm by having a dead grandpa - she'll prove you right by getting triggered and calling you "a stupid jerk". While she may seem worlds apart, marry her and you'll find you have this much in common: both your best days are now behind you.

Haley's reaction to you dropping the truth bomb on her. Somebody call a waaaambulance.

• Abigail - Like Sebastian, but female. Abigail lives in the General Store with her parents. She's the archetypal purple haired tumblr feminist who likes being seen at the town graveyard by herself and being shit at the flute she plays. During her two heart event, she'll either comment on how much you jack off if you're male or call you a whore if you're female. She's friends with Sam and Sebastian who use her for a quick fuck, and she'll keep tag teaming them offscreen after she's married. ConcernedApe only added her so losers can finally have a goth girlfriend.
• Maru - the autistic nigger half-sister of Sebastian, Maru sometimes works at Harvey's clinic so she can help steal your heard earned gold. She is obsessed with building machines and in her spare time works with her dad in their laboratory, helping him invent new flavors of Kool-Aid and cook meth. During a cutscene, her dad calls her his "special little girl" meaning she's probably retarded. Since mental disorders can be genetic, marry her if you want fuckhead kids who will bring in those sweet SSI checks.
• Leah - Leah lives alone in her cottage in the forest outside Pelican Town, spending most of her time outdoors or working on her shitty sculpture art because she has no friends. She moved out to Pelican Town to escape her ex-partner Kel, who eventually finds her and buys her shitty art to try and win her back like a fucking psycho. If you ask her for a kiss during her two heart event, she'll punch you and kick you out of her house, making you to lose all friendship points with her and also breaking your jaw. If you're gentlemanly and go slow, she'll return the favor by avoiding domestic violence until you're married.

Undateable

• Pierre - The shopkeep of the General Store in Pelican Town. Pierre is such a stupid fuck he closes his shop on Wednesdays, forcing you to shop at the town's JojaMart every Wednesday and having to deal with the screeching retard Shane.
• Gus - The bartender of the local saloon. Gus fuels Pam and Alex's crippling alcoholism while Alex leeches off you to spend your money on beer and watch Gridball with his friends.
• Robin - Robin is the mother of Sebastian and Maru and is also the town snow bunny. She also runs the Carpenter's shop (which is closed most of the time anyways since Robin cares more about sucking nigger cock than running a business.)
• Demetrius - Demetrius is Robin's husband and is the ONLY black person in the entire game (unless you count his half-breed daughter Maru.) Demetrius is a scientist who studies the Wildlife of Stardew Valley. He sometimes can be seen in the laboratory with his daughter inventing new flavors of Kool-Aid since niggers can't go less than 30 minutes without drinking Kool-Aid. Like the rest of the family, he hates Sebastian too for being such a loser faggot. At one point in the game, he sends you a letter in the mail asking you to bring him a melon.
• Vincent - The child of Jodi and Kent, who is away in the military for the first year of your playthrough. Most of the time Vincent is at the library with Jas being tutored by Penny, who only does it to get away from her sad drunk of a mother. Despite watching Penny spiral out of control in front of him, he mentions that he wants to marry her someday.
• Jas - Friend of Vincent and Shane's goddaughter. She is often found with Vincent either playing at the playground or being tutored by Penny at the library. Both her and Vincent have no real personality because ConcernedApe is a lazy fuck.
• Lewis - The mayor of Pelican Town. You are introduced to him at the beginning of the game along with Robin. You later find out he has a weird relationship with Marnie. He offers you a quest to help him find his purple shorts which he asks that you deliver to him discreetly because he's embarrassed to let the people of Pelican Town - and Marnie - find out he's a closeted homosexual. There's an easter egg in the game where at 12:40 AM in game you can find him and Marnie hiding in a bush.
• Marnie - Marnie is Shane's aunt and Lewis' fucktoy. She lives in the Cindersap Forest outside of town and south of your farm in her ranch. She sells the player animals and animal supplies all while making sure her nephew doesn't tend to more of her chickens. In her (or Lewis') 6 heart event, Marnie confirms that she and Lewis are indeed dating.
• Pam - The town drunk and Penny's godawful mother. She spends most of her time at the saloon drinking to forget her disappointment of a daughter Penny. If you spend all your money restoring the Bus Service to the desert, she sobers up and becomes the town bus driver. Which means the only person who drives you and anyone else in or out of the Valley is a known drunk with more DUIs than stars in the known universe. While it's easy to judge the town for hiring her, this is actually a touching act of kindness: if Penny ever grows a spine and leaves her, this job and her liquid therapy guarantee she won't die alone. If you hate money, you can also spend 300,000 FUCKING GOLD building a new house for her and Penny.
• Linus - No, not Linus Tech Tips or the faggot that created the Linux operating system, Linus is a homeless man who dressed like a caveman and lives in a tent in the mountains and does fuck all except sleep and collect berries. He reveals to you that he's homeless by choice and refuses to rejoin civilization if you ask him to join you on your farm.
• Morris - The game's antagonist and owner of Joja Corporation. You have the option of rebuilding the dilapidated community center in the middle of town or paying him some money to tear it down and let him build a JojaMart Warehouse over it.