Ted-Drakness

Ashley Hoilman, aka. Ted-Drakness, aka. a failed abortion on it's mother's behalf is a bipolar DevianTART with a certain appreciation for Johann Sebastian Vasquez, and probably friends with Katy. It is renowned for being a retard of astronomical levels and hermaphrodite skank that changes love interests as much as one changes underwear, but it's highly doubted that she's even mentally capable of even such simple tasks. It's hobbies include being batshit insane, pretending to be a dude, whining incessantly, faking it's own death, ban evasion, and pedophilia.

It's gallery is almost entirely filled with more than its share of traumatizing fanart, save for a couple of admittedly impressive original paintings which soon followed suit after her recent love affair with an internet user whose real identity still remains uncertain. Why yes, it did believe a complete stranger on the internet when he randomly approached it and told it he was Jonah Vasquiz. THEY HAD A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP OKAY.

Their relationship abruptly ended when Ted-Drakness committed e-suicide after learning the startling truth about it's true love John Vespa.

It's all for the best though - Ted-Drakness' ~~new-found~~ hobby for creating heartfelt journal entries about horrible things that happen in her pathetic life of an epic length can't allow it the spare time to leave it's parents' basement, let alone handle an e-boyfriend.

Watch out for the impending lawsuit from this: Ted-Drakness has written over 200 words about how it is going to sue ED. RUH-ROH.

Ted-Drakness was also a member of the "I Hate Encyclopedia Dramatica" club on DeviantART, both before this article was written, and before pillow-lover7 deleted fucking everything.

Emotional Raep

In an extremely TL;DR but recent blog entry posted last Thursday, Ted describes what has been going on between it and "Mr. Vasquez" for at least 100 years now. She first began to suspect that her whole life has been a lie when it messaged him and he wasn't an asshole. When they cybered as the lonely shepherd and a very naughty sheep, it still seemed somehow in the realm of plausibility, but it was when he expressed concern for fires going on in the same state as him, that things began to look shady. To it's dismay, it turns out that ZOMG! "JCVasquezTHM on AOL is NOT JV!!"

“	. . .today I found out something that has ripped my heart out and destroyed me completely. I began to get suspicious of this person when he told me he was evacuated due to the CA fires, but San Jose is no where near where they were. Today I e-mailed Dan from SlaveLabor and he contacted Jhonen and e-mailed me back saying that this person that I spent half a year in love with, half a year worrying about, getting to know, and over half a year devoted to...was not Jhonen.	„
—Ted-Drakness, on common sense

“	The real JV replied to me on MySpace and told me to stay away from anyone claiming to be someone famous, he was kind enough to answer me which made me feel a lot better. I'm trying to remind myself that the real JV did not do this to me so that it won't ruin my love for him and his fandom.	„
—Ted-Drakness, on keeping priorities in order

	“	Hey. So like... Don't talk to people who claim to be famous on the internet, k?	„
	—Jhonen Vasquez, on sympathy

Ted then begins to explain to the internet that it feels "emotionally raped" and will be needing to collect her toys and leave the sandbox for now.

Gallery

T
L;
D
R

Just think, all the time wasted on crafting this epic of a textwall could have been better spent acquainting her major arteries with a razor blade.

Internet Lawsuit

Ted goes on to say that it will be definitely be calling in the party van for the emotional damage it has endured. Mr. Anon C. Vasquez, obviously having forgotten that the internet is serious business, has unrightfully stolen the online identity of a very important person, and can be sure to see it in internet court sometime in the next week.

	“	I've cried until I can not cry anymore. . . and in the end, all he had to say was 'I'm sorry.' And then asked me not to press charges... You're damn straight I'M PRESSIN CHARGES. But no amount of charges will take back what they did to me.	„
	—Ted-Drakness, on healthy relationships with real people

Her mom assures us that Ted will be perfectly fine, saying that it had pretty much the same reaction when it found out that Santa wasn't real.

	“	Yeah, it will be fine. It had pretty much the same reaction whenever it found out that Santa isn't real.	„
	—Ted's mom, on totally seeing this coming

AnonV. can expect to face a long sentence in internet jail, as E-lawyers are relentless and Honorary Ed Lolington don't mess around. CRIME DOES NOT PAY.

Recovery

Despite the recent loss, Ted is doing all it can to BE STRONG and begin on it's way toward a full recovery from this grave online tragedy.

“	I am going to be alright, know that. It may take me a long time before I'm myself again, and I will never get over this completely, I'll always be scarred from it. But I'll press on, it's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with, but I'll deal with it. I'm going through different stages of recovery and it may be a long time before I'm myself again, but I think I'll be fine..or as fine as someone in my position could be.	„
—Ted-Drakness, on staying strong in the face of imaginary adversity

It has started by leaving DeviantArt, quitting painting altogether, and setting up a new MySpace ~~shrine~~ page. In closing, the thing reminds us all that Jihadnenon does not like his name to be butchered. So please stop raeping the good name of Mr. Vasqueeze, plzthx.

	“	Jhonen: It's pronounced fhsfwhfjk, learn that.	„
	—Ted-Drakness, on not fucking it up. Jesus, you guys.

A Heartfelt Response

Goodness gracious me! Apparently Ted-Drakness does not appreciate Encyclopedia Dramatica using this page to "[tell] lies on everyone they can think of for the lulz" (moar liek for the attention amirite?). Of course by "everyone they can think of" it means it's self, because you know,it's not the first and only beast we "tell lies on" (LIES LIES LIES AND WE BACK NOTHING UP WITH EVIDENCE oh wait shit disregard that), yet only now is it speaking out against teh haet.

Speaking out, you say? Welp, we can guarantee that this ain't lies. After finding out about this beautiful piece of prose you are reading, Ted-Drakness posted yet another rather tl;dr journal outlining THE LIES we are telling. The lengthy diatribe can be read in full here, but please allow us to quote from it for your amusement:

	“	I am [...] a pedophile	„
	—Ted Drakness

And that's no lie!

If you can honestly read all the way through that cluster fuck of words then more power to you. IT IS FOUR PAGES LONG. It is more than five hundred words longer than the article that spawned it (and only after this nifty wall-o-text section was added)! Keep in mind most of this article is quotes from Ted-Drakness hirself.

Mmmyes, you certainly have no unhealthy obsessions, Ted-Drakness.

The Vasquez Response

Upon reading this article, Hornen had the following to say amidst trying to choke down the urge of vomiting even briefly:

	“	...and don't forget to buy from Slave Labor.	„
	—Jhonen Vasquez, on ED

Hot for Granny

In more recent lulz, it has confessed to thinking Ms. Bitters is hot and probably faps to her wrinkly image in her spare time as well. Then again, who could expect less from DA's biggest bipolar lunatic considering what she already likes? Yep, you bet your fugly deranged ass we're posting it.

Not even her parents like her

As of late last year and part of early 2009, Ted had a falling out with it's parents which eventually led to them both moving out because thanks to an inside source. Neither of them could stand it's incessant bitching, bipolar mood swings and general retardedness. Certainly all of which combined must have reached levels previously thought unknown to man for even it's own parents to split if that says anything about her being able to be a part of society of EVER being able to have a half sane love interest at all. Which it really DOES.

Most baffling of all is it's relationship between it and it's father which it claims molested it as a kid, which it hates him for and has even claimed to have developed a fear of intimacy from. Even so it has been known to fantasize on it's journal and has even drawn father/son incest as well as pedophilia. One might conclude it secretly gets jollies thinking about what Papa Hoilman did to it but only claims to be traumatized to get extra special asspats from those foolish enough not to see how depraved the she-beast really is.

As for it's mother, she has ran off with a 50 something guy and contacts Ted from time to time if only to bitch it out or send it presents, which leads one to believe she does this either to toy with her retard daughter's emotions or she is just as fucking apeshit nuts as her daughter. If in fact she is toying with it, it seems to be working thus proving what a complete and astounding idiot Ted is considering that a more recent journal praised mama for remembering it's B-day.

From the looks of things, Mama Hoilman's new man was only telling the truth.

OMFG CANCER!one!!

Yes, Ted-fagness has contracted cancer of the ass from fucking her god-awful "artz" of irken sodomy. This has meant months upon months of her bawwwwwwing in her journals about how the chemotherapy sucks and how much of a douche her boyfriend that dumped him when he asked to move in with him was lol.

But of course, there has been much speculation towards the truth of this faggotry, because anyone on the internetz claiming to have a terminal illness is telling the truth because he has recently completely forgotten she has cancer and has taken up the habit of being butthurt over 11 year olds posting pics of his shitty art on tumblr and loling about how much it sucks. She has made no mention of his terminal illness for about 9001 months, so it seems he got bored of those types of tl;dr asspats, and decided to be an attention whore in another satanic form.

So she turned all his watcher TARTlets into his personal army every few days to take down the images and stroke her cancerous e-peen. She also got his on-again-off again girlfriend (that gets butthurt and deletes her dA account every few days) to spam the shit out of any artist that says anything moderately negative towards Ted or has an OC with the same name as his, even if it is complete coincidence. What's even better is she's also, completely, batshit insane. And she gets fucking pissed whenever someone "flirts" with her on her dA, because of course putting a smiley face in your comment counts as flirting you stupid little cunt :)

White Soldiers of JU5T1C3!!!1!

It is uncertain how this waste of internet bandwith has amassed a following of equally gay people but each member of this "cause" seems ever vigilant to their butthurt loving master. Whenever anything remotely hurtful or truthful of Ted surfaces, you're sure that gay squad will alert it's majesty of the thing of little importance. These "white knights" (if you can call them that) go to the trouble to create side accounts on DA so that they can "protect" their lord and savior.

Three things you should do when you see this: 1. Not give a shit. 2. & 3. See step one. These soldiers actually tire easily after a few days, mainly due to the fact they can't keep their mind on subject any longer than their master can.

Shit, if anyone on the internet could have decency enough to sit down with someone and discuss issues such as someone calling you a faggot without deleting an article, sending white whores, or even DEAR GOD writing mile long messages only to delete them at a later convenient time, maybe they could teach us all a thing or two. But nope. We got the ass fuckers.

Paintings, "Art", and Screencaps for Great Justice

Ted Drakness's Bullshit About missing Pics

Ted-Drakness is actually Thomas Kinkade in disguise.
Pirates of the Lolcow
...And Ted claims she doesn't draw porn.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Again, NOT porn!
What Ted does when she's not pretending to die
Is nothing sacred?
Did we mention that Ted-Drakness also faked her own death?
I HAET YOU I HAET YOU SO MUCH
Sometimes you just have to get away when DA reminds you of heartbreak...
Anon comes to our defense. Ted says, "NO U!!"
Ted-Drakness enjoys piss.
Oh lawd, is dat sum Mpreg?
CRAWLING IN MY SKINNNNNNNNNN
...Totally not a pedophile.
Yet more proof she's absolutely NOT a pedophile.
Ted got abducted by aliens. Srsly guyz.
Wut.
Ted talks to dead people.
DAMN THE MAN!
Ted says she NEVER pretend to be a guy...But The WayBackMachine says otherwise.[1]
Ted. Product of incest.
Because winning something at poetry.com totally means you have talent.
Ashley's supposed tattoo. For her sake, we seriously hope it's just Sharpie marker.
AND SHE'S A FURRY TO TOP IT ALL OFF.
xtreme arms
In her spare time, Ashley enjoys writing angry messages in blood on her dildos and taking pictures of them. "FUCK YOU JHONEN."
Note the lint particles stuck to the head.
what is this i dont even
How could you say she didn't draw it? You dick, she just has a talent for drawing like shit too.
Limiting pallet = painting
Her ugly dead boyfriend/cousin a.k.a. the love of her life. BAAWW!
What Ted's obsession Jimmy would look like in real life.
According to Ted Elephantiasis is sexy and Nny has a skirt fetish.
because nothing breathing or otherwise would do something so fucking ugly AND crazy.
even Mmy himself DOES NOT WANT the disgusting greasy skank that is Ted.
Another reason to hide your kids from Ted-Drakness.
The excuse of depraved lunatic psychos and pedophiles everywhere.