Tony Abbott

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Tony Abbott (sometimes referred to as Tone Abet) is the 28th Prime minister of the United States of Australia, right-wing crackpot and rampant supporter of loving and supportive same-sex relationships. Elected into office on the 7th of September 2013 after the former labor government got their rectums resized by a series of epic failures, Tony will be leader of Australia for many long years to come until he dun goofs one time too many, at which point his former leader and arch-nemesis Malcolm Turnbull will give Tone's sphincter a workout that would make Cardinal George Pell blush, throw him back into the seminary where he belongs and become the new Prime Minister. IT'S HAPPENING - CAPTAIN CATHOLIC OF TEAM AUSTRALIA WILL BE GETTING GANG-RAPED AND DISPOSED OF IN A GUTTER OUTSIDE PARLIAMENT HOUSE BY HIS OWN PARTY CAUCUS TOMORROW MORNING AT 8AM AEST/9AM ADST: OPEN TO THE LIBERAL PARTY RANK & FILE, BRING LUBE

The most important aspects of his government's policy platform is the desire to stop the boats, criminalise poo-poking by poofters, cut spending, and discriminate against everyone who isn't a white Australian male. The biggest instance of butthurt experienced by the general public due to Abbott's ideological zealotry so far is one of his government's many social policy endeavours: forcing the wimminz of Australia to return to where they belong, whilst at the same time removing their 'rights' to access contraception and undergo an abortion. It should therefore be no surprise to anyone that Tony Abbott is a devout Catholic ready to spread his views on the rest of the population like all good Catholics do.

As of ~~September 2013, Abbott has no real power because Labor and the Greens can cockblock every change he wants to make through their control of the upper house of parliament~~ the 1st of July 2014, Abbott still has no real power even after the new Senate term commenced; the balance of power now resting with the Palmer United Party which despises Abbott and the Coalition, although ironically founded and lead by a bloke who used to be a good m8 of Tone and a now former life member of the Liberal National Party of Queensland.

Tony Abbott Quotes

Some argue that Tony's unpopularity stems from the horse shit that comes out whenever he speaks, others say that many Australians don't like his "saying it how it is strategy" whatever the case; Tony has no issue with offending migrants, Abos, women and gays as illustrated below.

	“	I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons	„
	—Tony on Women

	“	Same sex marriage? I'm not somebody who wants to see radical change based on the fashion of the moment	„
	—Tony on gay people

	“	I won't be rushing out to get my daughters vaccinated against cervical cancer	„
	—Tony on Cancer

	“	Abortion is the easy way out. It's hardly surprising that people should choose the most convenient exit from awkward situations	„
	—Tony on Abortion

	“	There may not be a great job for indigenous people, but whatever it is they just have to do it - and if it's picking up rubbish around the community it just has to be done	„
	—Tony on Aboriginals

	“	The climate change argument is absolute crap	„
	—Tony on disputing scientifically proven fact

	“	I know politicians are going to be judged on everything they say but sometimes, in the heat of discussion, you go a little bit further than you would if it was an absolutely calm, considered, prepared scripted remark. Which is why the statements that need to be taken absolutely as gospel truth are those carefully prepared scripted remarks.	„
	—Tony Abbott digging a hole for himself trying to justify why everything that comes out of that fuckhole he calls a mouth isn't bullshit, and that the talking points written for him by his Chief of Staff, Peta Credlin should be considered the gospel truth

	“	I also think that if you want to put a price on carbon, why not just do it with a simple tax? Why not ask motorists to pay more, why not ask electricity consumers to pay more and then at the end of the year you can take your invoices to the tax office and get a rebate of the carbon tax you've paid.	„
	—Tony Abbott in 2009 supporting the climate change policy he would later vehemently oppose, despite having called the science of climate change, "crap"

	“	They're very forthright remarks, and I think that they're perfectly appropriate remarks for the Canadian Prime Minister to make. Canadia, Canada, probably has more involvement in the affairs of Europe than Australia often does, but ...	„
	—Canadia

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Other memorable clichés include

	“	I'll stop the boats	„
	—Unrealistic expectations

	“	It's time for real change	„
	—Irony

	“	Let's be fair dinkum	„
	—Appealing to the uneducated

	“	This is the most important election in Australia's history	„
	—Unwarranted self-importance

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Rise to power

His political career began in 1994 when a bunch of uneducated Australians elected him to the seat of Warringah. He has held the seat ever since, how this has happened god only knows.

Under Howard

Abbott's career under Howard was one of constant cock sucking. First working as a parliamentary secretary to the ministers of employment, education & youth affairs. Before actually getting a job as a proper minister he served as the Minister for Workplace Relations, Minister for Employment and Minister for Health. Needless to say, he achieved nothing in all this time.

Of course once Howard and the Liberals lost to Rudd, Abbott was all but useless, and served as a shadow minister under the twenty or so power hungry Liberals wanting the job of Opposition leader. Unsurprisingly almost all of them can now be found on the backbench or in the line at Centrelink.

Leader of the Opposition

Upon losing in 2007 to the Labor party, the Liberals chopped and changed leaders more times than our very own ED has changed domain names. Initially the Liberals had no leader as Howard was one of the very few politicians in Australian history to not only lose the election, but to be booted from parliament entirely, having lost his seat to ~~some Labor party nobody~~ a well-known ABC journalist. This just went to show how even the people in the easiest seats for the Liberals to win were tired of their shit, not to mention Little Johnny broke his promise to keep the costs of living low for his beloved 'Aussie battlers'.

Brendan Nelson won the leadership in a very narrow ballot within the top secret Liberal HQ, only to be booted from the position less than a year later because let's face it, he's a 'red under the bed' Labor bloke in a Liberal morphsuit with budgie smugglers to match, just ask the Australian Medical Association. The new leader Malcolm Turnbull was again elected in a very narrow vote only to be booted from the position slightly more than a year later and replaced with their beloved kikeaboo overlord Tony!

The election of 2010 should have been an easy win for Labor as the Liberal Party had demonstrated in this short 3 year period that the power structure within their own party was incredibly fragile, however it came down to the wire as the Labor party had done nothing short of demonstrating the exact same thing. 2010 was lost after a bunch of attention seeking independent MPs spent weeks verbally masturbating over which party they would support, claiming that the 3 of them "ultimately controlled the next government of Australia". Labor was eventually backed as their wonderful leader Julia Gillard promised a bounty of delicious sammiches and big, red, greasy KFC dinner boxes for their support.

2013 Election

Abbott's victory in the 2013 election was more down to the failure of the Labor party than the success of the Coalition. Amongst these failures included trying to tax carbon emissions (causing much butthurt to industry as Australia pulls 487 million tonnes of coal out the ground annually), making a terrible climate change policy, not sucking up to the man that owns the majority of Australian media and last but not least bringing back Kevin Rudd as a last resort to win the election.

Unlike the 2010 election, Labor was completely destroyed with Abbott giving his victory speech long before the votes were all counted. He made a lot of great promises to the Australian people, most of which he is yet to start implementing (and probably never will implement) since his fat-arse Treasurer delivered the 2014 Federal Budget, detailing that almost all the promises the Coalition made during the 2013 election campaign circle-jerk will be broken, as well as Abbott's bottom-bitches in the Senate having to deal with a hostile Senate cross-bench cock-block. And we all know how much Tone loves cock (in and around his mouth of course).

How do I control senate?

Sadly for Abbott however, ~~Labor still controls the upper house of parliament~~ the Senate cross-benchers, particularly those from the Palmer United Party control the balance of power. Since democracy dictates that a bill must pass through both houses to become law, the Liberals are essentially powerless to make any change at all. This may contribute to the image of Abbott being a terrible Prime Minister, but we all know that Abbott would do the exact same thing in their position. This childish game will continue into the future, ensuring an angry Australian public will become even more disillusioned with modern politics. Hooray for democracy!

Government policy

Gay marriage

Despite his own sister being a lesbian, Tony Abbott is completely against gay marriage like all tolerant Catholics are. Going so far as to say he was opposed to his sister's wedding to Australia's media. Gay people do not like Tony Abbott at all, and almost all support the Labor party as they promised to legalize and recognize gay marriage if re-elected in 2013. Sadly for them, Abbott won and their plans for marriage were put on indefinite hiatus, because we all know Labor was only going to implement it in a desperate attempt to amass more votes.

For a brief period in late 2013, Tony thought about going back on his Christian ideal and legalizing gay marriage when he realized he would win a lot of support from gay people. However less than a month later he changed his mind, making a strong stand on his own Homophobia and his persistent belief that legalizing gay marriage would mean that everybody including himself would have to marry a gay person.

"The boats"

The persistent whining of uneducated dole bludgers about asylum seekers that cannot speak English taking their jobs in Australia lead to Abbott abandoning the Labor Asylum seeker plan. Before Abbott, Labor had a plan that had it's flaws, but worked. It went as follows:

Illegal boat arrives in Australian waters
Asylum seekers are taken to an offshore detention center, people smugglers are taken to mainland and treated as criminals
Each case is considered fairly, if case is legitimate then they will be taken to the mainland eventually. If not, they are deported.

The flaw in this structure was that boats were arriving faster than people were being processed. Leading to overcrowding. Media controlled by fanatic Liberal supporters also portrayed the issue as being far more important than it actually was.

Abbott took over and implemented a number of new strategies to help limit asylum seekers or at least make it appear they are being limited. Strategies include:

Much butthurt and lulz from left wing supporters has followed.

Horse shit NBN

Labor promises an expensive and slow to implement, but in the long run a faster connecting and technological advanced broadband network that would run nationwide on fiber optic cables, right up the household. Abbott argues that it would cost too much and the average Australian doesn't give a shit. He wants to run a system based on copper wiring that is also expensive and slow to implement, but unlike the Labor plan would eventually fail and need replacing over and over, costing the tax payer more in the long run. Yes Australia, the Coalition will be giving your taxpayers money to the Jewish scum who run Telstra while pedaling the same bullshit they've been spewing over the past 18 years about how the 'free market works' and private enterprise can build world-class communications networks better, cheaper and faster than governments ever can. And look at how well that's turned out - better take note Malcolm Turnbull!

Even the shittier version of the system is yet to be started. Fibre to the Node has as much legitimacy as a viable communications technology as Israel does as a country, which is NONE.

Education

One of the few things Labor actually was loved for, was their education policy in a desperate attempt to eliminate useless layabouts by 2050. All children received mandatory education until they were 17, government schemes existed to help the financially struggling and most importantly the testing system was refined from the outdated model inherited from the Howard government.

Showing typical qualities of any new countries leader, he promptly changed it back and cut millions from the education sector in favor of big business. The Utopian view of a retard free Australia has been forever compromised.

Aboriginals

Despite the view of the majority of the world that aboriginals barely count as "people" Abbott's pulling of millions of dollars from Aboriginal health care, welfare, education, housing and petrol has caused him to be completely shunned by the Australian media that once loved him. Everything Labor has done to try and integrate abos into 21st century Australia has since been reverted, leaving them back drinking mouthwash and sniffing petrol in the middle of Tennant Creek.

Abbott has promised a few jobs to the few elite aboriginals such as garbage collectors, ~~cleaner~~ revoked due to access to chemical fumes and many other rewarding careers cleaning after the white man.

Women

Abbott, showing he is a fair and rational man has implemented a minister for women in his cabinet who is, funnily enough a woman and the one and only token woman for Abbott's cabinet.

Abbott has repeatedly demonstrated he has no problem with getting on camera and making the most sexist remarks spouted by any politician (with the possible exception of the Arabian leaders). This has caused many women to be sick of Tony's shit already demanding he just stop saying things about women. Women's jobs and abortion are regularly hot topics on Australian TV because Abbott has once against shown he knows nothing about either issue.

Controversy

Butthurt left-wingers

Everybody considered left of centre in Australian politics is extremely butthurt about Abbott being in control. His policy towards women, aboriginals, gays, students and everyone under 25 has ensured he has got the support of none of these groups. Butthurt takes the form of the roughly 5,000 facebook pages dedicated to slandering Abbott, every teenager in Australia posting on election night how "they are seeking asylum in New Zealand" and how you cannot walk 5 metres into any university without being swarmed by Marxists that want you to sign their petition about how Tony Abbott is a worthless human being (which is true).

Should you encounter any of these groups, some useful trolling tips are:

Tell them you are a conservative.
He is better than Gillard. (especially if they are a woman)
Tell them you are wealthy.
Say "well, we all make mistakes"
List the pros of his governments policy
Perhaps most importantly, tell them their butthurt whining will accomplish absolutely nothing.
When all else fails, ignore them.

YouTube Lulz

Most of the stupid things spurted from this man's mouth can be found on YouTube for your viewing pleasure. Here is a small sample of the epic fail.

How do I answer question?

Soldier dies? Shit happens

As depicted by YouTube nobodies

Wimminz on Abbott

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Tony Abbott

Contents

Tony Abbott Quotes