Nintendo 64
The Kidtendo 64 or N64 is the console of choice for the bitchy 90's kids on Reddit and a variety of lists on Buzzfeed. Unlike other consoles during the 32-bit era when it was released, it was 64-bit. So, Nintendo put a 64 in the name, because they're a bunch of showoffs and think that they're so fucking cool for putting the number of bits in the console's name. The N64 was competing with the PS1 and the Sega Saturn to see which console will have the most spoiled children begging to their parents to buy which overpriced console they want for Christmas. Nintendo, for the first time in history lost the console wars to a company that made a shitty reboot of Godzilla starring Inspector Gadget and half the cast of The Simpsons. After that, Sony continued to kick Nintendo's ass with the PS2 as GTA wasn't on the Gamecube, because Nintendo cares about the children. This stopped when Sony wanted 599 U.S. dollars for a console that has no games at the time while Nintendo included a magic dildo with a shitty console that has shitty games and won the market, despite having the graphics of the Dreamcast.
The Console
The Nintendo 64 was originally named the "ULTRA 64", but Nintendo found the hardware to be shitty and not badass enough to bear "ULTRA" in the name. So, Nintendo 64 is the final name resulting in confused parents and children thinking Nintendo made 61 other consoles and not knowing about their existence.
The Controller
The N64's controller has the worst controller design in history. The controller is too bulky, has poorly placed buttons, a shitty analog stick and THREE FUCKING HANDLES. Who is going to use three handles? The design team was high one day and was watching octopus porn, when suddenly thought of a controller that is best suited for horny octopuses and 3 armed men. Thus the controller was approved by the idiotic higher ups and actually packaged it with the console without any actual quality assurance testers questioning how it will be suitable for normal human users. However, the shitty design didn't stop the Nintendo fanboys from saying that this controller "revolutionized" gaming controllers.
The Cartridges
Back in the 90's, CD's were all the rage for children because they allowed them to listen to the The Backstreet Boys and N*Sync. Every console that came out after '95 uses CDs because they offered far moar storage for FMVs and Orchestral soundtracks and were infinitely cheaper to produce than those primitve, fat, oversized cartridges. At that time, some Basement dweller wrote a shitty NES Emulator for MS-DOS that could display 1/3 of the Zelda title screen with no sound and random flashing lights for roughly 5 seconds before crashing. At the same time, Music licensing companies started complaining about early pre-Internets Pirates home-taping copying CDs. Upon witnessing both in the news, Nintendo promptly shat themselves and decided stick with cartridges for anti-piracy measures, even though NES/SNES cartridges already had their roms dumped all over usenet thanks to chinese. This wise decision resulted in the games being three times as expensive to produce, ship and sell when compared to the PS1, and the cartridges only offered a measly 64MB ROM while requiring a team of experts to design the cartridge and an entire factory line of dedicated robots to mass-produce it(along with a high risk of going bankrupt if the game didn't sell, though some developed games for it anyway), while the PS1 disks cost about 1 cent to produce and only required a cheap CD-ROM burner while offering 500MB disk space. The only redeeming factor to cartridges was that they were virtually indestructible and easy to clean, while a PS1 disk stopped working loading if a dust mite crapped on it. Unfortunately the PS1 sold better than fried chicken in some countries which allowed Sony to dump their overpriced crap everywhere they pleased, making spare copies of FFVII easy to find. By 1997 most gamers were too busy fapping to Sephiroth to care about the n64 anymore with sole exception of hardcore Nintendo fanboys and the occasional kid who didn't own a PS1 or Saturn.
The Add-ons and Accessories
The N64 had innovative marvels and utter crap for add-ons and accessories. It makes some people wonder why companies go through the effort to get pieces of shit like these licensed and waste money to get these to stores without any profit coming in. No wonder why some of these companies are dead.
- The Rumble Pak- Packaged with Barrel Roll Simulator '97, it's a good alternative for a vibrator while you shoot down animals as a Fox in space ships. Sony stole this idea and put it in a controller with analog sticks (Another idea Sony stole from Nintendo).
- A microphone- Any kid's dream back in the 90's is to interact with a fictional mouse that can electrocute anybody and kill them instantly. Then comes "Hey You! Pikachu!", a game where a manchild can talk to Pikachu and have him be his only friend other than the ones on /V/. It sounds like a very good idea on paper, but the piece of shit microphone doesn't work most of the time. Pikachu doesn't listen to you, pretend the player doesn't exist or just ignore him considering Pikachu knows about the player's MLP fetish porn. Also, it cost $90 back in the day. You could just buy a new N64 for the price of a shitty microphone and a craptastic game.
- Expansion Pak- A cheap moneygrab at Nintendo's part on the consumer. The expansion pak is supposed to fix the N64s shitty hardware by adding more RAM and making the consumer pay an additional $50 for it. Nintendo could just release the expansion pak with the console, but spending $50 extra will not hurt the customers as they think. A few games like Majora's Mask or Perfect Dark require it to play, but it's just a bunch of crap for Nintendo to recoup the costs of making Donkey Kong 64 for being a buggy mess and being a shitty game overall.
- Controller Pak- Added memory to be awkwardly jammed into the back of the controller, could be conveniently removed and stored inside of your anus where it would have as much space on-hand. Couldn't be used with the Rumble Pack or the Transfer Pak, so you had to choose whether you wanted to save your game, shake around like a spastic.
- Transfer Pak- Yet another add-on to be forcefully inserted into your controller to function. This time you could play Gameboy on the television, except that only seven games were designed to be used with the fucking thing, which meant that you were limited to playing a handful of shitty Pokemon games alone like a manchild. Other gameboy games couldn't be played in full, but were used to 'unlock' features and characters that were already on the N64 - a proper jewnosed scheme from Nintendo who sold their DLC at $40.00 before Xbox Live even existed.
- The N64DD- Don't let the name fool ya, it doesn't give the console bigger tits or ass. Only released in Anime Land, it's another attempt for Jewtendo to earn more money by making the console more like the Sega Genesis by adding an unnecessary add on that could be it's own fucking console. The DD utilizes floppy disks in a fancy case that the same amount of memory as the cartridge(but was cheaper to produce, along with destroying the disk every now and then) and could be able to play the low quality FMV cutscenes that the PS1 could play as well. You can also create custom tracks for F-Zero X and browse the internet with a proprietary internet service, but only write e-mails since the N64 hardware isn't good enough to watch porn . The DD cost more than the N64 itself and it was a shittastic failure, because you need to buy through a mail order during the time when you could buy off the internet. Nintendo stopped making unnecessary add ons after that.
Games
The N64 is very notable for all the revolutionary games that "changed gaming forever" as told by the "Nostalgia" board on Reddit. Many of the games that were considered great are just utter shit and overrated like Dunkaroos or Lunchables. They claim it's great, but in reality it's cheap junk food that benefits nothing but shortening your life and cause misery for them to think the kids of today have it worse. Worse still, it's junk food that has expired since release all those years ago - if you think any of the games below still 'hold up' today, you need to get your fucking cataracts checked.
- Super Mario 64- Developed in-house at Nintendo after Rareware was finished showing them how to make a solid platformer with Donkey Kong Country, Super Mario 64 marked the first and last time in history that the storied developer actually tried to keep up with the technology and expectations of gamers everywhere. Before thoroughly shitting the bed with Super Mario Sunshine, Nintendo gave at least somewhat a shit with this Nintendo 64 launch title, which tasked the beefy Italian stereotype with saving his prized bitch after she's kidnapped within her own castle like a fucking retard. Pushing the hardware to its limits, Super Mario 64 runs at a stunning 15.5 Frames per second, with muddy stretched textures and a draw distance that gives new meaning to near-sighted blindness. Incredible boss fights with the games camera as you attempt to point it at Mario's ass are expected, with loose controls and repetitive game design for 120 pointless Stars in all.
- Banjo-Kazooie- Taking on their tried and trusted formula of letting Nintendo innovate and then stealing the shit out of their ideas - ex. Mario Kart/Diddy Kong Racing, Super Mario World/Donkey Kong Country, Ocarina of Time/Starfox Adventures - Rareware decided to lift everything successful from Super Mario 64 and re-release it with better graphics and at least .5X the amount of furfag escapades. The result is Banjo-Kazooie, the most overrated game in the N64 library. Redditors claim the title as the pinnacle of their pathetic childhood, while snuggling with their Dad in the dark, getting ready to molest them while playing. Collect shit and explore a 3D world, this time you save your sister from a transgender witch.
- Conker's Bad Fur Day- A cussing squirrel and lots of potty jokes? Sounds pretty childish. Especially when it's the same as Banjo-Kazooie, but better. So controversial that Momtendo wouldn't publish it in Europe without THQ. What other game that lets you fight a giant, singing piece of shit?
- Mario Kart 64- An overrated racing game with nearly as much furry-baiting as Diddy Kong Racing, nostalgiafags from reddit will fondly remember the game for Rainbow Road - a cockgargling track that takes place during a pride parade with the finish line looping around to your asshole. Even more fun with four players, where four screens the size of postage stamps would cause epileptic seizures every time someone used a Lightning Bolt.
- Goldeneye 007- A movie tie-in game that came out years after the film did, causing both Nintendo and Eon Productions to shit a load of bricks when they found out that Rare was putting more time into making a game about furries fucking than they did for their James Bond license. After trolling the heads of Nintendo by releasing GoldenEye after they were told to stop developing (No, really) the N64 classic revolutionized the FPS genre while chugging away at nearly 20 FPS! Play as Porche Brosnub (Pierce Brosnan's illegitimate retarded brother with a terrifying square face made possible by blast processing N64 polygons) or Natalya Somethingrussian (Bullet-magnet death seeker with a penchant for placing the back of her head directly in front of every muzzle you own), but don't play as Oddjob - seriously, I'm sick to death of seeing that gimptastic little shit round a corner and shoot me in the fucking nuts while every shot whizzes past his bowler - it's fucking bullshit dude. Cementing itself in the anals of tourney-fag First Person Shooters on console, without GoldenEye, we wouldn't have CoD, or its shitcake whining little faggots. Damn it, Rare.
- Donkey Kong 64- One of the final post-coital huffs from Rare that managed to kill off the platforming collect-a-thon genre for good. Entirely built around playing grabass with your inbred Kong cousins, jumping into shared barrels and fucking eachother for Golden Bananas. Gained notoriety for being an unplayable piece of shit without the Expansion Pak, prompting Rare to spend half of the games fucking budget on fixing glitches.
- Ocarina of Time- Not really that great of a game either. There's huge worlds that has nothing, same formulaic story as other games and monsters trying to kill your ass are not interesting. It's boring and repetitive as the later Zelda games. The fairy is the most annoying shit ever, there should be an option to kill the fucker.
- Majora's Mask With Ocarina of Time offering too much freedom, exploration and replay value, Majora's Mask sought to up the ante with a sequel that takes around 20 minutes to reach the first fucking save point, and then makes you play the same temple ad-naseum every 72 in-game hours. Obnoxious fans of Majora's Mask will get moist talking about how 'edgy', 'emotional' 'story-driven' and 'dark' the game is - the same game which features a grown man in green spandex looking for fairies and a sidequest in which the sole objective is helping a man wipe his own ass, among others. Majora's Mask couldn't be more over-hyped if the cartridge was 10 stories tall and gave blowjobs every time it started up.
- Mario Party- Another game with Mario's greasy face on it. A board game with short minigames. The first game is notable for tearing off the hands of kids for having games where you need to rotate the joystick with the center of your hand as fast as you can. Due to the retarded A.I the game was only fun if you'd friends to play it with but we all know you don't.
- Mischief Makers- An overhyped, under-delivered abortion of a game from Treasure, who ported the game from the SNES to the N64 after they realized time was moving on without them - the result is a game that was seven years old the second it hit store fucking shelves. Appeals to asspies with its colorful pixel graphics, inferred hentai and copious assplay wherein the main character shakes the fuck out of everything she sees.
- Star Fox 64- DO A BARREL ROLL!!!
- Superman 64- RINGZ RINGZ EVERYWHERE!!!
- Super Smash Bros.- The party game that started the game that started basement dwellers to train for a huge portion of their lives winning a pointless tournament against other basement dwellers. Even though the game should be paired with titles like Mario Tennis and Mario Golf in terms of casual fodder, mention this to any Smash Bros. Tourneyfag and they'll bitch endlessly on why Nintendo's soft-play fighter should be considered a serious sport. If you get them especially butthurt, they might challenge you in a rousing game of 'Professional Smash', where all of the items are disabled, the already-meager roster is downsized to a select few 'unbroken' characters, and all the 'action' takes place on the same damn stage. The game ends when one player is knocked off the stage and runs out of stock, or one of the players shits themselves just to feel like they're living again.
- Tony Hawk's Pro Skater - Released just years after the Playstation version, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater| gave Sony another edge by censoring the ever-loving fuck out the game. When skaters ate shit and fell three stories, they didn't burst like a pissfilled pumpkin, scrapes and gashes were removed entirely with blood toned down considerably and even controversial lyrics were removed from the soundtrack lest the kiddywinks shit themselves into anarchy. One final kick in the balls was found through the Secret Tapes which would unlock skateboarding videos on the PS1, and precisely dick on the Nintendo 64. Don't worry though, you could always record your sessions and save them to the Controller Pak, which ate up all of your memory like a starved bulimic after two fucking runs.
- Glover- Inspired by the sexual act of 'Gloving', which involves clutching and squeezing the testicles until orgasm, the creators of Glover tried their best to translate their afternoon pleasures into a game where a disembodied glove rolls around his balls around. Unfortunately, the N64 game is complete and utter shit. With over 40 levels you'll never play, and unlockable extras including the ability to punch yourself in the dick, Glover offers up minutes of exciting gameplay, most of which will be spent guiding your blue balls around the levels collecting pointless bullshit. A sequel was developed but never released, fucking shocker.
- Paper Mario- The only other RPG for the N64. Save Peach from Bowser and the end. This time, it takes longer to finish the game as there's an RPG battle system attached to it and the game is in 2Dish in a 3D world.
- Pokemon Stadium- Battle Pokemon from your Game Boy games in 3D. Same battle system, but with fancy 3D animations.
- Pokemon Snap- A seemingly innocent game where players are tasked with taking photographs of Pokemon. Everything runs smoothly until Professor Oak starts demanding that you bean the little shits with apples and Pester Balls that explode in a cloud of toxic gas to satisfy his sadistic tendencies. Causing unrest and chaos around the fragile ecosystem of Pokemon Island, players are rewarded points for every photo of the distressed creatures, which Professor Oak masturbates over, the sick fuck.
- Pokemon Puzzle League- It's Columns/Bejeweled with Pokemon characters at the side of the screen. Fucking pisspoor.
- WWF No Mercy- Play as jagged, lifeless wrestlers and beat each other up. There's enough action and pelvic thrusts to satisfy the "90's WWF fans".
Classic Commercials
The N64 had some lulzy commercials back in it's day. Better than the bland bullshit the Wii U has.
|
See Also
|
Nintendo 64 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |