Religion

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HOLY SHIT GOD DOESN'T EXIST!!!1

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**RELIGION;** People always shove it down your throat.

Even though The Bible is the same story the Western religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Catholicism all claim its "version" is better. Often becoming brands and using Propaganda to make the common people, like you, believe they're superior to everyone else so they tell their followers they're descended from the first man and first woman; they're unique in human history, and they're chosen by their supreme creator to rule over all other cultures. This is typical Propaganda, people who understood this and know how to make people fear the story have manipulated them for centuries, indeed millenia by manufacturing and controlling religion.

	“	Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.	„
	—C.

Religion is a poison that causes a severe mental illness rooted in delusion and causes it's victims to willingly infect other subjects or kill them if unsuccessful. Created and dispersed throughout the history of mankind by mankind, because of the greatest and everlasting fear of the unknown, in order to make up answers to questions not yet answered or questions that will never be answered, that lack meaning or importance, like why we are here or who made me. The majority of people ask themselves these questions every day, instead of getting on with their meaningless, parasitic lives and maybe try being less assholes. Since then, religion has been one of the biggest sources of drama, faggotry, and unwarranted self-importance in the world today, secondary only to the internet. For millennia, random losers believe they are the chosen one and claim they are following the one true religion of God, Allah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Shiva, Zeus, Osiris or whatever else they believe. Meanwhile, all others are infidels and this leads many gullible people to randomly go out and kill practically anyone they disagree with and they will serve an eternity in hell. (Even though these murderers ignore that killing is probably condemned in their own faith. But such common sense doesn't compute with any kind of fundamentalist.)

Religion is responsible for such insanity as Christfags believing that beating someone half to death with a 2,000 year old book will heal them and that some cosmic fucking Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a skinny rib woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree somewhere in a metaphorical paradise with animals chilling alongside each other. Muslims believe that if they blow themselves up they will get 72 virgins.

Even atheists are not immune to the psychotomimetic effects of religion; the mere mention of religion is enough to send any atheist into hours of butthurt shitfits.

History

Ancient times

In the beginning, some old stupid men who were no longer capable of ~~having sex~~ working (but in reality they were, they just did not want to for they considered themselves perfect) posed the following question to themselves: How to get ~~money~~ food but not do anything useful? Their answer was to threaten everyone to give them profit, otherwise The Gods would become angry and would come punish everyone. They also invented the natural phenomena explanation that agreed with the existence of gods so everyone believed that gods exist. Thus, they ceased to be old stupid men and became shamans, priests, and wise men.

As you can see, the aim of the first religions was to make people afraid of the made-up fierce and cruel gods and explain how the world came to be. All religions basically say, "be nice or God will get you," except in really convoluted terms (I.e, "be thou good or thy Lord God shall smite thee greatly with his almighty power"). There's usually a devil of some kind who runs hell, which is usually fiery due to lack of fire extinguishers or similar apparatus.

Two thousand years ago

After a while, as the population increased, the shamans realized that shit was about to hit the fan. If the population increased moar, shamans would no longer have influence since people would simply want to eat ~~someone who does not really work~~. So the following two main ideas were introduced in the religions:

Control over reproduction. Before, there was no contraception other than TO NOT HAVE SEX and so ~~anal~~ sex was strongly restricted. They introduced rules like "choose one woman, call her your wife and fuck her and nobody other ~~and that will soon become boring for you~~" and “it is unpleasant to speak of sex and even think of sex”. According to the new religious dogmas, the god appeared due to cancellation of real sex.

Charity. Religious authorities aimed to prevent the murder of themselves because they did jack shit. However, they were not killed during those 1500 years. Meanwhile, there were great bloody battles to find out who was the best where, after, the winner would take a woman and make her his private property. So the evolution went, until religion restricted that process. Therefore charity inhibited evoluticon and decreased the population.

The antique gods did not restrict reproduction nor promoted charity - in fact, the gods had fucked literally anything that got their dicks and cunts wet and would regularly kill thousands of humans. All these restrictions were introduced only by Christianity and Islam to complete its two previously stated goals. Anything else was deemed “immoral” or “unethical”.

Renaissance and Modernity

But people were lacking and wanted to have sex very much. So they had sex according to their applicable religious rules and the population grew. The Renaissance, the influence of the religion decreased as scientists invented contraception and everyone could have sex without having children.

And so religion faced the following dilemma: support contraception and achieve its hidden goal of decreasing the population but admit their dogmas were wrong, or reject contraception and hope that with an increase in population there would also be an increase in religion.

The latter was chosen.

For example, now, in Africa, children have nothing to eat and die. Non-religious activists say: introduce more contraception in Africa. Religious activists say: Contraception is Satan's invention. Just do not have sex. But the latter is unreal so law defenders say to the faith: Fuck you!

Today

You name a problem, religion has played a part

The Future

It is very likely that religion will die ~~hard~~ soon. If one wants to do nothing and get PROFIT, he seizes authority and uses army. If one wants to know how the world was created, he studies science. There is contraception and abortion to decrease the Earth population.

The Religions and Science

Are you a twisted pedo who wants to tear open an altar boy's asshole?
Do you like to murder hundreds of Jew and infidels?
Do you think the Jewish state of Israel is a good idea?
Do you think dinosaur fossils were put in the earth by Satan to deceive the human race?
Are you an ultra right wing, 'publican, neo-fascist, t-bagging, morally bankrupt conservative?
Do you hate facts and science?
Are you full of shit and like to be surrounded by hundreds of brainwashed people like yourself?

If you answered, "OMG! YES! R U SRS?" to these questions, then you need... Religion, the Opiate of the Masses!

God

God is a controversial figure whose hobbies include self-contradiction, racism, genocide, mind control, telekinesis, voyeurism, bondage and basic pwnage, as well as creating universes that everyone and their wife/husband/dog/strange-combination-of-all-three-that-the-very-thought-of-disturbs-me hates. He is also referred to as Brahman, Dio, Allah, Weev, Dave, Jim, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Ayn Rand. God is never, however, referred to as Chuck Norris, since we all know this would be blasphemy against Norris.

Why He Is Famous

Most famous for his creation of the universe, space, time, reality, Cheese, Toast, Doctor Who, George W. Bush, and penises (the latter two terms are semi interchangeable), as well as for getting sued by Billy Connoly. Despite the mass hysteria surrounding these original creations, he has received a mixed response ever since. Less known accomplishments include flooding the Earth, killing every first born son in Egypt and keeping Muhammad's hashish stock supplied, giving Rebecca Black vocal cords, as well as creating Hitler, something for which God has yet to come forward and apologise.

Despite this involvement many have wondered whether God is really doing it all for the lulz, considering the inexplicable randomness with which he carries out acts of healing and smiting as well as his conspicuous absences at many major events throughout history (e.g. the Holocaust). (I will add, no one has considered the idea that God is a female having mood swings, but actually this makes a lot of sense in a twisted and disturbing manner). Although millions of still-born fetuses hit the ground with a thud and millions more are ravaged by illness, it is some relief to know that his face will appear in home-made pies with alarming regularity.

Fat people love God too: one of his rules is "never be empty", means that before you finish your shiting or peeing you need to eat something, keep eating it after you finish your business, because God doesn't want people to be empty. This rule doesn't effect malestubation, but woman should never masturbate (they could run out of water).

Another Reason Why He Is Famous |

Why Some Fags Don't Believe

Some fags don't believe in God because he does not believe in himself, for believing in himself would prove that he exists and one cannot simply prove that God exists. These people are referred to as fagnostics.

There is also the notion that believing you have a personal relationship with a being infinitely more powerful than yourself makes you a crazy person. Though, this notion is only held by butthurt atheists on YouTube.

Many people also don't believe in God because they like to believe they control their own destiny, which as we all know is bullshit because the Masonic orders rule everything.

God's Fan Clubs

Notice how christfags are in last place.

God’s fucktarded nicknames include Jehovah, according to hook-nosed money-worshippers, Kryst according to fag Jesus freak fundies, and All-Hah to all the fundie slaves of Islam. They represent the three most fascist and corrupted GHOD fan clubs across the known universe (not to be confused with the multiverse, which is not as familiar.) These clubs are called religions, and they like raping small children in the back of a dark windowless building usually situated on a site where a lot of people were killed hundreds, sometimes thousands of years ago. Most of the time whole towns and cities were found, felt, fucked and forgotten by THOSE WITH THE NUMBERS. The earth around them was salted so nothing would grow for generations to come.

In modern times these scorched-earth policies come in the form of fucktarded federal legislation that is foisted upon we unsuspecting queers and like-minded folk, setting us apart from the religiously fucktarded groups whose main arguments with one another focus on God's sexual endowments (God is sexless because he only exists in the minds of the unthinking masses.)

Having a penis or vagina or fuckhole means having flesh and blood. God has none of that because he is a work of fiction created by people who had no concept of science, or even why the river ran from the mountain to the sea. Fundies and fucktards use the name of this fictitious deity to justify escalating the wars across planet Earth. The thinking populace, and not just those NPR folks, are going to have to launch a war of their own soon. Fight for your right to think. Don't accept other people's lame coincidence for divine intervention. There are other reasons why the rainbow comes out after a storm.

Only by thinking can the ignorant religious nuts that threaten to stall the human race in it's intellectual development; their murderous butthurting tendencies be put in check.

The two biggest religions are Christianity and Islam (Buddhism is for fags). Conflict has arisen over whether God raped Mary using his mind powers, and whether his illegitimate son is now fused with him and some randomer called the Holy Spirit in an eternal three-way gangbang. Disputes between Protestant Christians and Catholic Christians in Northern Ireland have resulted in numerous bombings, because there is some disagreement between the sexual attractiveness of the Pope. Fortunately however nobody cares about the marsh-dwelling Irish. Some hissy fits result in regrettable occurrences on a superlative scale, such as 9/11, The Crusades and the Thirty Years War.

Jews

Important facts:

Jews did WTC.
Jews have huge noses
JEWS DID WTC.
Hitler pwned them 39-45
JEWS DID WTC.

Islam

Islam is the most recent major monotheistic religion. It was invented by a faggot named Muhammad who wrecked the shit out of his fathers' statues and was banished from his gated community. After licking a sack full of toads, he started hearing voices that told him to exploit gullible newfags and make them obey his every will.

Five Pillars of Islam

Praise Allah
Work for 7-11 or a Getty
Hate whitey... and Jewy... and Christy
Blow up fucking everything
Avoid being V& for your horrible crimes

Christians

Roman Catholic Church
- Where pedos and homos can be priests and get up-close to little choir boys.
Southern Baptist Convention
- Feel free to preach about God and Hate against anyone not like them.
Pentecostals
- One of OVER 9000 Protestant churches out there, they split over little shit.
Mormons
- a.k.a. Latter Day Saints: where anyone can be a God in the afterlife. xD
Jehovah's Witnesses
- They don't have holidays, birthdays and nothing fun except attend a "Hall" on Saturdays.
Seventh-Day Adventists
- Saturday Adventurers, kinda like JW's and Mormons, in one way or another.

How To Start a Religion

Promise that everyone gets a load of virgin whores if they believe in your religion.
Say that those who don't believe in your religion will get the shit kicked out of them.
Campaign and speak publicly, attracting people's attention to your radically different beliefs even though you probably ripped them off from Jew.
Say that something that wasn't alright in another person's religion is alright in yours (polygamy, murder, incest, stealing, and eating meat are all good promises).
????
PROPHET!!!

PROTIP: Offer free food at every meeting (hobos will do anything for some cold-cuts)

Trolling Religious Believers

Contrary to the belief of every 13 year old boy and 16 year old girl on the internet, telling religionfags that they are stupid is not trolling.

Remember: religion-tards enjoy being "persecuted". In fact, they get off on it. This is because back when Christ, Buddha, Allah, Jewsus, and the rest were first going around saying stupid shit at least 100 years ago, people still thought they were stupid. By calling them stupid, it allows them to feel smugly superior in the belief that you are Doomed to Hell while they eat pizza with God in Heaven.
For example a Facebook post:

	“	I believe in Jesus Christ. One of my facebook friends challenged all believers to put this on their wall...In the Bible it says, if you deny me in front of your peers, I will deny you in front of my Father at the Gates of Heaven. This is a simple test. If you love God you are not afraid to show it, repost this :)	„
	—Begging to be trolled

A basic rule of thumb is, if you haven't convinced a religion-fag to change their belief, preferably to something more ridiculous, you haven't trolled hard enough.