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Portal:Gaming/Featured Article/Archive
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September 2022
Friday Night Funkin' is an AIDS-riddled rhythm game that is overrated in addition to being a shitty DDR and Parappa The Child Molester ripoff, complete with an obnoxious fanbase that never shuts up. It's already an aborted fetus headed straight down the shithole forever, but not before a metric fuckton of pointless bells and whistles get slapped on top of it in a desperate attempt to make the game "better". It all started with unfunny Jewgrounds users ninjamuffun99 (Powerword: Cameron Taylor), PhantomArcade (David Brown), "kawaisprite" (Isaac Garcia), and evilsk8r teamed up together to create a game for Ludum Dare 47 in October 2020, wasting their whole time developing a game only to be awarded nothing. It's a rip-off of Parappa The Rapper combined with Dance Dance Revolution gameplay that no one still cares about.
As the game skyrocketed up to the asshole of Nu-Newgrounds, and combined with 13-year-old boys worshipping it, the four Newgrounds users began adding characters from the 2000s because none had a single idea to think of one original character. First, they added "Pico" from that poorly-made school-shooting related game called "Pico School" before adding "Tankman", a second mascot from Newgrounds. They only do that because it makes fantards feel nostalgia they didn't even grow up with since Newgrounds used to be so based and fucked up, or they're too young to enter that shitty site.
January 2022
Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy - The Inferior Edition is a somehow even shittier set of remasters of the shitty mobile ports of the already shitty and massively overrated Grand Theft Auto III, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The original trilogy despite being terrible games with shit graphics, outdated controls, and awful physics somehow still maintain a following of nostalgic Millennials missing the days of being an edgy kid shooting and driving over a bunch of poorly programmed AI. People actually went out of there time to make mods for these games to make the games actually "look better," even though the games were as realistic as a 1960s superhero cartoon.
January 2019
Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts is a shitty SNES videogame made by Capcom. It is THE HARDEST game ever made and is guaranteed to mindfuck any sane person who attempts to beat it, even on easy mode. The game is an upgraded version of Ghouls 'n Ghosts with retarded features like double jump for noobs who can't play without air control and whine when confronted to real hardcore arcade because Capcom wanted to take advantage of all the retards who actually spent $70 USD on every version of Street Fighter II.
October 2018
Red Dead Redemption is yet another sandbox game by Britfag producers Rockstar Games; this time they switch it up a little by letting the spicfags in their San Diego office shit out the sequel to Red Dead Revolver. The game became known as THE BEST GAEM EVAR!!11! by every 13 year old boy who owned a PS3 or Xbox 360. The whole game revolves around you trying to kill a bunch of Mexicans and niggers so you can get back with your family and show them your rattlesnake.
March 2017
JonTron (Powerword: Jon Jafari) is a fat, ugly and unfunny JewTube gamer that makes shitty review videos once every blue moon. He has somehow amassed over two millions retards to subscribe, in order to see him do his best Family Guy imitation skits interspersed with a lot of loud screaming and endless jump cuts in between. The only reason he is famous that makes him stand out of the four trillion other YouTube reviewers is because he was in Game Grumps and for some reaction gifs posted over and over on /v/. He also somehow thinks that stealing video content from one of our own users is somehow a smart idea.
March 2017
YandereDev (Powerword: Alex Mahan) is a weeaboo who is currently creating the game Yandere Simulator. Aside from the fact that the game is an obvious ripoff of "Yandere", Yandere Simulator is a shitty Hitman clone, except, instead of having big, open areas, location diversity and tension, it has only one area inside a school and no tension. Not to mention that none of the game's assets are made by him, he just steals them from Gmod or other games and calls it a day; but don't you DARE mention this to him, because these models are obviously just placeholders, and not realising that makes you a stupid goddamn fucking elitist snob. Really, the only redeemable quality about the game is that you get to kill school children.
July 2016
After creating the game Hatred, the team at DC released another lulzy game called IS Defense, in which the gameplay consists entirely of gunning down endless hordes of ISIS invaders on the shorelines of Europe. As usual, a shitstorm of drama and lulz erupted.
August 2014
The Console Wars are an incredibly series of boring skirmishes fought with dubious logic and an endless supply of butthurt waged by poor people. Anyone with a decent income will simply buy all three, plus a kickass gaming computer and laugh as the peasants squabble like Shia and Sunni Muslims.
April 2014
3GI Industries, more appropriately titled "Five Guys, A Girl, And A Video Game," is a crew of young misfits from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that are internet famous for their real life Super Smash Tournament video series. 3GI began its career when the crew were all just teenagers who wanted so badly to be like the guys in Jackass. They impulsively began filming themselves doing a myriad of ridiculous stunts and public trolling while wearing costumes and using props, firecrackers, and other explosive devices.
February 2014
King.com is the current, benevolent ruler of shitty mobile games. All of their content is 100% original, and totally not just clones of older games, like Bejeweled. They are most known, however, for taking an early lead in 2014's race for Biggest Douche by trademarking the word "Candy", and using it to troll the shit out of anyone who was already using it.
December 2013
Duck Hunt (ダックハント) is a title developed by Nintendo for the Nintendo Entertainment System. The title was initially released to the unwashed asiatic masses in 1984. However, it took the passing of another eighteen months before it was finally placed into the hands of a Western audience. Some argue that this lengthy delay was nothing less than a fiendishly cunning oriental ruse in order to afford them more time to adjust their spectacle prescriptions and get in some practice so that their high-scores wouldn't appear quite so shabby in comparison to those achieved through the natural latent ability of Americans to shoot and kill stuff.
November 2013
Audiosurf is a game that simulates the effects of the drug, LSD. The main point of Audiosurf is to basically "ride" the music that you listen to. The game automatically graphs out how the song will be and calculates how hard it will be. Then, after the level is completed, the score will be posted on the scoreboards. This causes much drama due to the amount of cheaters that mess up the scores for everyone. The top songs that have been played to recently are by the Jewness Brothers and Dragonforce.
The developers of the game were so arrogant about the game that they named their team of developers "BestGameEver". This is misleading though due to the amount of fail the game has.
June 6, 2013
The Xbox One is a children's computer created by Microsoft to better serve those lacking the ability to operate a real computer. It features big, colored buttons to help the differently abled use it easily, and can even be operated by voice or flailing, if buttons prove too confusing. It sports the most cutting edge technology 2005 has to offer, and is an achievement of design unrivaled by all but the best preschool finger paintings. Upon opening the prototype, it was found to contain the same fail and AIDS that killed Steve Jobs. It is claimed that this is an essential design feature.
May, 2013
Banjo Kazooie is a video game created in the 90s by Rareware while (like Mario, but to a lesser extent) under the influence of mushrooms, LSD, and several other types of hallucinogenic drugs. The game features a furry and a talking bird fighting a fat old hag while collecting talking puzzle pieces. It is thought of as a revolutionary step in video gaming by many gaming experts (i.e. fat, lonely nerds), although it only had three games including the new Xbox 360 game, which is shittier than the other two, plus a metric fuckload of horribly shitty games released on hand-held systems.