Mac OS

Mac OS, (also known as System Software, Macintosh Operating System, BSD 2: Electric Boogaloo, Whack OS, or Crap OS) is Apple's abomination of an operating system that was created for the sole purpose of making the first OS with a GUI (supposing the Xerox Star 8010 never existed). Originally shipping with Apple's crappy computers known as "Crapintosh", the Macintosh OS is apparentally a bait-and-switch scheme to promote overpriced Mac hardware. Unlike Windows, Macintosh OS will refuse to install on a non-Apple machine. You can only install it on "Mac" hardware. (Ironically, Windows may be installed on an Intel-based Mac. Most semi-tech savvy Mac users; which there aren't many of granted, end up dual booting Windows with Mac OS anyways which pretty much defeats the purpose of owning their aluminum clad piece of shit over a Windows PC to begin with.) Also, Apple is also known to have an outstanding cat fetish (Panther, Tiger, Leopard, Snow Leopard, Lion, Mountain Lion...).

Classic Mac OS

Typical screen on Classic Mac OS

In 1984, Macintosh System Software 1 was introduced with the Macintosh 128k, which to this day still rapes people with the "This program has unexpectedly quit for no fucking reason. All information was lost. Haha." message. The machine that it was installed in was overpriced, had no color, had no hard drive, and its only appeal was that it made everyone want to join an Orwellian totalitarian regime. No one bought it. Jobs therefore blamed the Pepsi salesmen for not doing their jobs. Subsequently, Jobs has been kicked out of Apple.

The Mac OS was also just as useless as the Macintosh. The interface was only in black and white, only ran one application at a time, and often crashed for no reason. Apple Mac OS users were prone to getting a "Sad Mac" screen within a the first few minutes of use, proving how useless the Mac OS was. The Mac OS, whenever there is a new release, requires more resources and specs per release, and therefore, a person's mac would become obsolete within 3 years. As a result, a Macfag is forced to buy at least 100 macs in their lifetime.

After years of ignoring all the bitching and whining from their faithful Macfags, Apple decided to fix all the problems that the System Software had. System 4 introduced multitasking, but was still useless because Apple's crappy low-spec machines could not handle multitasking well. Mac OS was finally in color starting with System 6, and the crappy machines that were also introduced upon its release. Apple later renamed the System Software to Mac OS (Starting with System 7.5) because Macfags, like the complete retards they are, wanted to give the OS a name in order to avoid confusion with other OSes.

To milk their Macfags out of more money, Apple decided to make the transition from 68K chips to PowerPC chips, thus rendering all existing Mac OS apps useless and forcing all Macfags to buy new software one of Apple's overpriced $2000 PowerPC-based computers with less specs than that of a PC. Despite these "improvements", The Mac OS still had no protective memory and was still prone to crashing during startup.

Apple's failed attempt at adding protective memory and preemptive multitasking to the Mac OS was started with Project Copland, which was a completely rewritten version of the Mac OS. It was never completed due to over 9000 drawbacks and delays. Apple's last resort for creating a new and improved Mac OS was buying NeXT, rehiring Steve Jobs, and using NeXTSTEP to create Darwin and Mac OS X.

Mac OS X

Typical boot screen on Mac OS X

Linux users typically try to fake "The actual thing" to look hip and cool.

Mac OS X: computing made simple

FAIL!

Macs have been proven to be very stable.

Still better than MacOS

Mac OS X is ripped off from the BSD and Mach kernels (both of which are free and open-sourced). Mac software consists entirely of stolen Windows software from the 1970s, redesigned to be even moar homosexual and retarded, and about 50 times as expensive. Somehow, this poorly-coded, rehashed software takes up as much hard drive space as one hundred installations of WoW; also the reason your 120Gb iPod Classic can only hold roughly 110Gb from the day you get it. To make matters worse, Steve Jobs decided to name every release's codename after cats in order to make Mac OS X appealing to furfags, therefore resulting in furfags making up at least 50% of the Macfag population. For this, you can thank Steve Jobs for his landmark contribution to the world of computers and digital technology.

Public Beta

To address all of the Problems that the original Mac OS had, Apple accidentally deleted Mac OS 9 and replaced it with three new, and untried version of OSeX - Kodiac, then Cheetah, then Puma. The Public Betas constantly suffered from thousands of bugs and Kernel Panics (the OS X equivalent of the BSoD) for every time it booted, was extremely slow, did not support any printers, Carbon was incomplete and was incapable of running Classic apps. All these problems caused massive bawww among the beta testers, and the problems were ignored by Apple upon the release of Mac OS X 10.0. After two years of shipping homosexual macs and yet NO useful software, Apple gave up, and just released OS X Jaguar. Mac fags loved it ever since, even though it still hasn't been fixed.

Mac OS X included a "great feature" that stores all your passwords in a nifty program to let you organize and view them all. This of course means that anybody you let use your computer can see you have logins for biggayassfuckings.com, oldmensuck.org and hotpreteensluts.net, thus confirming their suspicions that you're a sick fuck. Also enjoy having your facebook raped in the ass every week and having your name officially changed to Dick McSuckerton.

10.0 Cheetah

Despite the name "cheetah", it was a very laggy and slow OS, printers were still unsupported, was incapable of playing DVD movies, still suffered from kernel panics, and could not sync to iPods. Only 3 people bought it and anyone who bought Cheetah was entitled to a free upgrade to Puma.

10.1 Puma and 10.2 Jaguar

Puma was made to milk even more money from macfags and was labeled as "an improvement to Cheetah". It included more printer drivers and a DVD player, but in reality, it was only a minor improvement, still had bugs, and was just as slow as Cheetah.

10.3 Black Panthers

Nothing significant was introduced. The only improvements were a redesigned Aqua interface, Expose (which crashed all your apps when attempting to switch to another), and the introduction of Safari.

10.4 Tiger

Massive rage ensued from Apple when news of Mac OS X Tiger was leaked on the Internets, including screenshots of Tiger. Apple tried to sue everyone in an attempt to cover up the leak.

Apple Inc. later announced that it would port its OS to the x86 architecture, thus causing macfags who previously bought a new PowerPC system to slit their own wrists.

The GNAA trolled over 9000 macfags and OSX86-fags when they "released" a "leaked copy of Tiger for x86" via torrents. However, that "leaked copy" turned out to be an ISO containing the word GNAA in ASCII and repeated over 9000 times. The ISO, when booted, showed Hello.jpg rather than an installation screen, thus crushing the dreams of those who wanted to run OSX on their PCs (thus causing many to become An heroes.)

10.5 Leopard and 10.6 Snow Leopard

Leopard and Snow Leopard included over 9000 shitastic and useless features. For example:

Leopard/Snow Leopard have redesigned aesthetics, but people have still failed to give a shit.

Leopard/Snow Leopard magically (and intuitively) turns all your Bluetooth devices like wireless keyboards and mice into useless intuitive paperweights. It does this by intuitively ignoring the built-in Bluetooth modules and intuitively pretending you don't have Bluetooth installed. It also negates any hopes you had of synchronization with your iPhone.

Leopard/Snow Leopard will intuitively deactivate all your USB peripherals like digital cameras and intuitively restore their factory setting to whatever year you bought it. Alternately, Snow Leopard will intuitively fail to recognize anything you plug in.

Leopard/Snow Leopard will intuitively reset all of your system preferences every time a minor patch comes down the tubes. Anything you customized or changed on your machine after installing the intuitive original, 10.6.0, will revert to the factory settings. As a bonus, 10.6.2 will intuitively randomly change your settings and preferences to the defaults on any of the (now deactivated) peripherals .

Leopard/Snow Leopard's radical Time Machine intuitively backs-up all your stuff, (factory) settings and applications automatically so that you don't have to worry about it. However, since Snow Leopard will either intuitively ignore or reconfigure the external disc you've chosen for backup, you'll have to use your intuition and back your shit up elsewhere too.

Leopard/Snow Leopard's Rosetta intuitively 'translates' all your PowerPC and pre-OSX 10.6 applications for seamless integration with the Intel/10.6 environment. As an optional installation that comes with your Snow Leopard software, it eliminates migration hassles since you can't actually install it.

Snow Leopard cannot be installed on PowerPC machines, thus causing many PowerPC users who cannot afford the new Intel machines to rage. As a result, PowerPC users are forced to make many cuts in their budgets to afford the newer Intel machines, they can just build a fucking Hackintosh like every other smart person. or switch to the dark side.

Snow Leopard comes with the brand-spanking-new QuickTime 10 -whether you want it or not. And since QuickTime 10 doesn't come with a browser plugin, you'll have to use your imagination when trying to view instructional vidyas on Apple's website.

10.7 Lion

Lion is Apple's latest craptastic service pack that is set to came out in July. Just like its predecessors, it will require double the specs that your current Mac has. Also, since its a 64-bit only OS, Macfags with early Intel macs will rage because they don't have 64-bit chips. Steve Jewbs decided to make the Mac OS's interface appear more like iOS's interface because of his iPhone and iPad fetish. Lion will include at least 100 new bugs, including:

Multi-touch Gestures: Just like an iPhone/iPad, this feature lets you zoom in by pinching, double tapping, scrolling with two fingers, swiping to the next page/app with two fingers, etc. The feature is fucking useless because all Macs lack a touchscreen (unless you bust your ass for a $100 USB tablet from Wacom or Crapple).
Launchpad: A grid that appears on the Finder's desktop and assorts your apps, just like how an iPhone or iPad would. This feature is also fucking useless because the Finder already has an application sorter: THE DOCK, YOU FUCKING RETARDS. Its been there since Public Beta!
App Store: A place where you can buy new apps for your Mac. It also gives discounts for some apps. It is Apple's new scheme to brainwash their Macfags to get apps this way rather than using DMGs. When all Macfags finally use the App Store, Apple restricted the manual installation of Apps, meaning that you will no longer be able to pirate your softwares.

Also, OS X Lion will drop support for Rosetta, meaning that people who are still using PowerPC apps on their Intel Macs will no longer be able to use them. This means that you are now forced to buy a new version of that app you use. As a result, classic Mac OS X games like Bolo are no longer playable.

NEW! 10.8 Felch Cat

Variations of Mac OS

Newton OS

Newton OS was the system that powered Apple's failed attempt at creating a PDA. The PDA itself was horrible because it ran on AA batteries, was twice as expensive as a PDA, the handwriting recognition could not interpret handwriting well, and its was in black and white. Nobody bought the Newton, but Apple attempted to make another portable device by creating iOS and the iPhone.

Darwin

Typical iOS functionality.

Darwin is basically a complete copypasta of FreeBSD that Apple used as the open source basis of Mac OS X. It is twice as hard to use as FreeBSD and is so buggy, featureless, and so unstable that it would make any BSD/UNIX/Lunixfag want to blow their fucking brains out. When Mac OS X was released for x86, Apple decided to repeal the open source label on it and closed off the Darwin source from the intranets. Their reason for doing so was "to prevent anybody from attempting to make a clone of Mac OS X".

iOS

Moar info: iPhone/iPad.

iOS is a dumbed-down and half-assed version of Mac OS X for iPhone/iPod touch/iPad and Apple TV. The interface is just as horrible and shitastic as the desktop version of Mac OS. The App store is always being patrolled and watched by Apple's legion of Nazis, who banhammer decent apps like Google Voice from the App Store. Apple iOS also infringes people's right to privacy by tracking down the user's location. No, seriously.

Mac software

Apple shows its support of the homosexuality of its users in the 70's, when if you hadn't had sex with a man, you were below 10 or above 70 years old.

LEST WE FORGET

iMacs typically come installed with 500 gigabytes of Hentai.

Apple likes to brag about the fact that you can write and chat online with all your "friends", as though this were an impressive accomplishment, despite the fact that Macs fail at performing even these rudimentary tasks. Trying to get a Mac program to run properly, or even run at all, is only slightly more difficult than teaching your Chia pet to do calculus. Fortunately, Macs have a total of seven software programs available to date, so you won't have to worry about this problem much.

Need to run a program for that college class you are in? You failed to realize that in the real world, everyone uses a PC, thus programs are tailored for them. So be cool, get your Mac, show up to class, and then run to the bookstore and get a $70 mirroring software bundle so your shitty Mac can run programs built for the PC. But it's all good, because the software comes with a healthy dose of USI.

In addition, Apple has a strange ability to conjure up all of the smug in everyone, and as such, their software will physically and mentally alter their users to believing anything that Apple says, and claiming that Apple software is always better, much more secure, and whatever else their enlightened brains are told. To this day, complementing Apple's professional hardware is one of the most enjoyable things to do. Much self-righteousness will ensue.

Mac Viruses

Ever wondered where all the viruses for Macs are? Mac fanboys will bullshit you, saying that it is due to the Mac's enhanced virus protection. However, 1: Macs are almost as vulnerable to viruses as Windows. And 2: For a virus to exist, someone has to be around to make it, and nobody uses Macs. That's right, Macs can't even get negative attention. Nobody gives a shit about them. Even Linux has better security than Macs. Pretty damn pathetic.

As of September 2015, Apple has less than 5% global market share. So the reason why Macs get less viruses is because, since almost nobody uses Macs, there's little incentive for adware companies to make viruses that target them. So when iDiots try to convert PC users, they're shooting themselves in the foot because if they make Macs more popular, they also make them a bigger target for virus makers, and that "security" they like to brag about won't seem so great anymore due to the fact that, in reality, it doesn't exist.

Anyway, Apple's idea of "virus protection" is not letting you install half of the programs that exist on the internets.

Contrary to popular belief, a few viruses do exist on all Apple machines ranging from old to new (except for the ones that are new, give it a week or four). CVE Details listed about 163 Apple security vulnerabilities in October, 2015. Apple keeps the ones it discovered secret. A newer one fucks with gravity sensors inside the MacBook (which further proves they are insane) and ejaculates your MacBook to space. Users of this virus simply plug in a USB flash drive and if autorun is active on said MacBook, it is fucked. Unfortunately for said virus, autorun does not exist on OS X, rendering this virus somewhat useless, relying instead on the "honor system", whereby the user must erase their hard drive manually. Mac-loving faggots/Fanbois will constantly complain about this, claiming that this is not a virus but a "prank which fucks up your computer".

OSx86

Installing OSX on a PC - only something a stupid n00b would do.

Due to their high price (due to Steve Jobs' hunger for jew gold), many people cannot afford Macs. As a result, some 1337 h4x0rz and script kiddies resort into hacking Mac OS X in order to install it on their PCs (due to the fact that they were too poor to buy a real Mac). PCs that run the Mac OS are known as "Hackint0shes". However, it is nearly impossible to run the Mac OS on your PC without having Steve Jobs lawyers ramming you in the ass with over 9000 lolsuits. Steve Jobs reason for suing anyone's ass (for those who do hackint0sh) is that "Mac OS X is intellectual property and installing it on a PC is copyright infringement and because Mac OS X's EULA states that OS X cannot be installed on a PC and doing so is a violation of a contract and because violating contracts is a violation of the constitution".

Note: Because Hackint0shers are running Mac OS X on their PCs and love Mac OS X, they are technically closet macfags, or macfags-in-denial. The fact that they believe that Mac OS is superior to Windows, although they cannot afford to buy a real mac or because they don't want to buy a real mac. When they finally buy an authentic Mac, they become full-blown Macfags.

Breaking news! Studies have confirmed that OS X users are gay!

Things that Mac OS X is incapable of doing

Typical Mac users enjoying the only Mac game available.

Avoid the debates. This sums up everything in one picture.

Wikipedia on the iPhone 4

Run Games - To date not even Battletoads, one of the most profound and popular games ever invented, is available to play on an Apple computer, because each and every NES emulator for the Mac is shareware, that happens to cost $30 bucks, just to play in fullscreen and/or with a gamepad. In order to play any game besides BOLO, Glider Pro or Marathon 2: Durandal, you would have to simply forget about it, and buy a new computer that isn't a Mac. For those who still wish to be elitist douchebags, you can use the commercial program CrossOver Mac to try and run Windows games on a Mac, though the only game proven to work through this method is Furcadia. (Only $69.95 for all the pixellated yiffing you can stroke your dick at!) Aside from emulation, or buying a new computer, the second-most effective last resort Macfags have discovered is to install Windows itself on their overpriced toys through a utility called Bootcamp developed by Apple themselves. The result more or less resembles a functional Windows PC (but with a gay, white case), but if you're going to do all that, why not just buy a real computer? For the same price as the only low end, bottom of the barrel iMac one can afford, a standard PC with some decent hardware can easily be purchased for much less, and thus you will not be doomed to game on a pathetic 128mb video card that you can't remove or replace, because Macs aren't upgradable.

Be inexpensive.
Have ads that aren't annoying or insulting.
Have users who aren't uptight douchebags.
Have programs that "Just Work."
Play any game besides BOLO.
Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair. (spoiler:your logic board burns out within it's first year)
Have repairs that cost under $100
Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with).
Play any one of the few macgames available without overheating and getting a mere 2 fps.
Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house.
Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer.
Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight.
Think of something you want it to do, then substitute here.
Become heterosexual; there's no chance of this happening.
Have owners who know how to turn it on and off without being told how to do so
Close a program with one button

Things that Mac OS is capable of doing:

Not getting any viruses when you look at pr0nz.
Getting viruses when you install that pirated version of photoshop you couldn't pay for because you wasted all your money on a useless mac.

Featured article May 27, 2011
Preceded by TMI	Mac OS	Succeeded by The Great Em/b/assy Security Leak of 2007