Lord Rexington Fear

Lord Rexington Fear is a basement-dwelling wannabe hipster living in Queens, noted for his obsessively updated LiveJournal, his run-ins with PoE editor kthor, and the gaping chasm between his supreme self-regard and the actual mediocrity of every aspect of his life. His name is a portmanteau of Teddy Ruxpin and Paddington Bear. Despite being 29, his interests are those of a 13 year old boy - childrens' cartoons, pro wrestling, comic books, and plastic crap. He is one of Portal of Evil's most consistent lol cows. Rexy still lives with his parents (again, he's 29); his employment history contains such humiliating events as wearing a "Funshine Carebear" suit for a "Carebears meet-and-greet" and being fired from a mall cookie stand. His hopeless attempts at creativity, such as the classic Swiggity Sweet Sweet (warning: sound) rap, are pure lol. Also: Hmmmmm... Also also: WHAT

Praying for dignity

Drama

Rex Fear tried for years to worm his way into New York's alternative comics scene, but succeeded only in enraging everyone with his fatness, creepiness, and a distinct odor of old meat. Matters finally came to a head when he clumsily hit on an well-known artist's girlfriend, and posted about the incident on his LiveJournal after the inevitable fail. Kthor preserved three pages of the succulent drama, plus vintage Rex photos. At the subsequent Small Press Expo where Kthor and Cheese had a booth, Rexington showed up with a knife to "protect himself", and threatened various people.

Kthor responded by organizing Dare You Enter the World of Fear. Rex was then made a Portal of Evil exhibit.

Artistic Failures

This looks all deep and artsy and shit... right guys?

Rex's attempts at drawing comics are utter shit, obviously.

Rex's attempts at making music are utter shit, obviously.

• Access Granted "I am very proud of the lyrics and the musical arrangement and even slightly my vocals amazingly, this is the closest I’ve gotten to achieving what I’d REALLY like to for a REAL album someday."
• Typical track, this one is a duet with his fucking dog
• Foxy Crazy 2 (transcription here)

Rex's attempts at writing poetry are utter, well, yeah

He somehow succeeded in getting drunk off of 22 ounces of St. Ives, and then recorded battle raps.

My poetry is serious business

I got CUD, yo I got Cud Terry Laban. I’ll bring that to you.
I got a, uh, empty bottle of St.Ives. I will bring that to you.
I got my cellphone. I got a computer fill of stuff. I will BRING. That. To you.
I got funcha tapes.
Wahdda I got, I got (Bo-What?), got the Recruit, I got Good Advice, I got (Bootsy the Worm?), got Rounders, and a Wispy Business
Terminator 3, I got Red Dragon...
Yo my UNCLE sent me those, FREE VHS!!

"Showbiz is my life!"

What you think about that, WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
Brother! Huh? Yo fucking call me a midget I will kill you, Ian.
Alright, I won’t kill ya, but I do not
I said I do not –
Do ah ah ah, ah ah ah, widget
sound like a midget!
You wanna hear a midget?
Go watch a Billy Barty film! Huh? Go watch Willow! Huh? Go watch the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Oh offfff ta see da wizzzahhh - excerpt

More desperate ranting about how powerful and special he is.

Fatness

The Man in Full

Lord Rexington Fear is not thin. He resembles a manatee made of dough and hair. A short manatee. When he walks, his gut billows out before him like a greasy spinnaker of flesh, and he somehow manages to have love handles both around his waist and under his armpits. Despite being a plague on anything near him with eyes, he writes completely unironic essays in his LiveJournal about how sexy he considers himself.

Scientists have recently found out that rex is indeed not a virgin! He engages in fat threesomes with his obese girlfriend and the dog!

Lord Failington's Response

At some point Rex himself came across this article and tried to rewrite it, but succeeded only in reinforcing his reputation for delusions of grandeur and unwarranted self-importance. Imagine a slight scent of stale meat while you read the following:

It’s more likely than you think. Butthurt? In my ED? 0

Lord Rexington Fear (note the rude and improper shortening of his name by previous editor) is a man among men. He has a love for fan art and alternative comics, and unfortunately some anal individuals that are full of their selves (par and partial for the alternate comics world) see no need to respect a fellow human being. Lord Rexington Fear's exploits go beyond enraging NY's Alt Comics scene, he is a caring, kind person, that while occasionally burdened by the pressures of society to fit in commits actions that isolate him further, but make him endearing. Hell, think of the time it took for the haters to create so much angst against someone, by the original editor's words, isn't worth the time. There lies the beauty, the splendor, and the majesty of Lord Rexington Fear. Some people love Star Trek: The Next Generation, other lambaste it and hold the original Star Trek as sacred. Some people think Sushi is the greatest food ever, other prefer chili. Some people won't eat meat and find its consumption appalling, others love to tear into cooked flesh. Lord Rexington Fear thrived and tried, and unfortunately lacked the support to take his grand visions for a comic opus to the next level. Before anorexia became the norm thanks to Paris and Nicole, weight was something to be proud of. To possess a beer gut denoted your drinking prowess. Only idiots and morons don't realize the power of weight, the joys of getting lost in love handles, or the power that can be brought to bear when someone possesses the fighting prowess and training of Lord Rexington Fear.

Rexy shows his tiny penis to the world

On October 30,2008, a valiant troll managed to get pictures of Lord Rexington Fear naked. LRF has a really shitty webcam,and was unable to take a full body picture for ED.

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Earlier Cockshots

Rex awaits his blind date, not realizing she's standing nearby.

But prior to that, a bunch of Portal of Evil oldfags with too much time on their hands conducted the most disturbing sting operation of all time, convincing Rexy that he was going to meet a hot New Jersey stripper named Lisa and have all sorts of deviant sex with her. Not only did this result in horrifying nudes (seen below), but even more horrifying pictures of the brave PoEtard "running into" Rexy while he was waiting patiently outside of the Virgin Megastore for his dreamgirl to arrive. The whole story is contained in about a zillion tl;dr chatlogs here (change the number in the URL for moar) but you just want to look at pictures of a fat fuck with his clothes off, so go wild.

Classic Quotes

Click this picture for an extra special Rex quote

i wonder how she stands his constant stench of urine,vomit and rotten meat. Bad smell fetish,perhaps?

"When trying to do my own stuff all I've accomplished RECENTLY is recording a track based on a legally allowed under amount seconds looped remix of Star Wars music over heavy breathing that is supposed to represent Darth Vader going insane"

"Is Lindsay Lohan a cow (in the BEST sexiest way)?"

"I want my nipples suckled; I want to have my bellybutton sucked as it was a bowl of ice cream. So, if your man is as sensuous and appreciative of full contact love as I am, go all out. Rub the hairs on his chest as you slide your lips around his erect male nipple. Treat his belly button as it was an endless supply of brownies that can’t get you fat."

Links

• Lord Rexington Fear's Livejournal. Note the obsession with children's cartoons.

• Lord Rexington Fear forum at the Portal of Evil

• Rex muses on the joys of oral sex. Note: will make you want to never have oral sex again, ever.
• his MySpace. He is a drunkard exhibitionist on drugs obsessed with children's literature. I'm sure his parents are very proud.
• His musician MySpace profile. Your ears will bleed.
• Rexy Wexy's obese girlfriend's MySpace. Her name is Kate and she's a magickal mecksickan
• His aim sn is ReidHCooper. Feel free to remind him of his obesity and failure at life.

Lord Rexington Fear is part of a series on Music Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage.

Lord Rexington Fear is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.